I Pit my inconsiderate peanut-feeding neighbors

[Kimstu]

@Troppus

I sure wouldn’t label any version of outrage over small amounts of natural detritus in one’s yard to be “reasonable”. I would, however, label the OP possibly the most hilariously represented example of a first world problem I have encountered. Oh noes!!! There’s yard stuff in my (gasp!) Yard!

Well, you and the OP can bicker about what qualifies as “small amounts”, if you like. However, you seem to be missing the point that peanut shells aren’t actually “yard stuff” or “natural detritus” in the sense that dead leaves and twigs and bird poop are. What they are is food refuse.

Just because some food refuse consists of (ultimately) biodegradable vegetable matter doesn’t mean that having it scattered over your lawn looks “natural” or that being annoyed about it makes you a “tight-ass” trying to “sanitize the outdoors”. Peanut shells, like watermelon rinds, potato peelings, grape-bunch stems and other plant-based food refuse, belong in the compost pile, not scattered across the lawn.

[JackieLikesVariety]

have you considered getting a cat? discourage birds & squirrels in general. plus, plenty of cats needs homes.

[Troppus]

@Kimstu

Peanut shells, like watermelon rinds, potato peelings, grape-bunch stems and other plant-based food refuse, belong in the compost pile, not scattered across the lawn.

Ah. So your suggestion is to instruct the local wildlife about the merits of composting and proper waste disposal as well as lawn grooming? I imagine such creatures will be receptive to those suggestions, and will implement the plan somewhere between laughing furry and feathered little butts off at the hungry human who spends hours picking up empty shells and providing entertainment to the kindly elderly neighbors. Good luck, OP!

[bengangmo]

I vote for getting a BB Gun, air rifle or similar and learning how to cook roasted squirrel with peanut stuffing.

And yeah - there must a be a fuck tonne of peanut shells for it to matter. I don’t think I could carry home enough peanuts to make an impact on my lawn - let alone feed that many to birds.

And doulbe yeah - my wife eats unshelled peanuts, she sounds like a squirrel and I fucking hate it with a passion. Perhaps I should get a gun…:eek:

[scabpicker]

If you’re not careful, you’ll starve with that air rifle. I bought one to exterminate the squirrels living in my attic. I shot one in the middle of the day in front of about 3-4 other squirrels. They moved out that night. If you’d told me they would react that way to realizing they lived above a predator, I wouldn’t have believed you. Who knows, it might really be the thing to fix the OP’s problem.

The air rifle’s still good for target shooting, and targets are a lot easier to clean. They don’t cook so good though. Peanuts might help.

[PunditLisa]

My parents, who’ve turned completely soft in their old age, used to feed the squirrels dry-roasted peanuts every day. After a few weeks of this, they noticed that one squirrel showed up regularly. It was easy to pick him out, because he was the one with the extra 3 pounds on him. They named him Sammy. And they were delighted with him.

This turned into a nightly routine. After dinner, they’d line up 5 peanuts in a line, and watch the squirrels gaily hop to the deck to get their reward. When Sammy showed up, they were especially pleased, because he was their favorite. He’d scamper off, his mouth full of peanuts, and they’d say, “Oh, isn’t he cute?”

On occasion, they’d get distracted from their routine, and Sammy would show up in front of their sliding glass door, and stare at them and wave his tail around, until they got up and threw out his peanuts. They thought that that was a hoot. We warned them that they were raising a brat, but they didn’t listen.

Then he began scuffling with the other squirrels. Even if he had his mouth full of peanuts, he’d attack any squirrel who tried to get close to “his” spot on the deck. One day, he attacked Suzy the Squirrel so viciously that my parents actually began to consider that maybe they had a “problem.”

Then, one day, they made the mistake of running out of peanuts.

Sammy did his usual routine - staring at them, chastising them, and waving his tail at them, for a half an hour straight. Then, clearly pissed that they weren’t bending to his little rodent will, he climbed up on the screen to their sliding glass door, and pissed all over it.

My mother is a clean. fanatic. And that was the last peanut that that little shit ever got. That didn’t stop him from pissing on the screen nightly for 2 weeks solid, until my meek and mild mother finally borrowed my brother’s BB gun and started taking aim.

So, my advice is to wait for the inevitable change of heart, and duck when you hear the shooting.

[kayaker]

We live in the middle of nowhere without close neighbors. My gf feeds the wildlife on a large scale. Each week she picks up 25 pounds of cracked corn, 50 - 100 pounds shelled corn, 50 pounds sunflower seed, 25 pounds or less of thistle, etc. Every three weeks she gets a box (25 ponds?) of food grade peanuts in the shell.

You would think our lawn would be a mess, but we bag the grass clippings from the front yard and it is pristine. In fact, one of the big three lawn tractor companies shot some promotional video and stills using our yard.

[tomndebb]

I think the OP needs to approach his neighbors with a suggestion: since they are obviously bored and lacking in entertaining activities, they should shell the peanuts before tossing them in the feeders or lawn. Then they can bag up all the shells and put them in a compost pile. (Maybe the OP could offer to maintain it?) The seniors get to take their minds of the ennui of their lives for a few minutes each day and the OP gets some compost with which to enrich his lawn or garden or, in a burst of neighborly friendliness, he could offer to return the finished compost to their lawns or gardens.

[perfectparanoia]

I don’t really get the tirade about the shells on the lawn but one of my neighbours feeds whole peanuts to the squirrels.

Now, we have about a hundred squirrels in our tiny complex.

They eat any vegetables I try to grow.
They bury the damn peanuts in everything. Including under things in the garage.
They antagonize my cats (okay, I kinda like that part.)

Please stop feeding them!

[TriPolar]

@tomndebb

I think the OP needs to approach his neighbors with a suggestion: since they are obviously bored and lacking in entertaining activities, they should shell the peanuts before tossing them in the feeders or lawn. Then they can bag up all the shells and put them in a compost pile. (Maybe the OP could offer to maintain it?) The seniors get to take their minds of the ennui of their lives for a few minutes each day and the OP gets some compost with which to enrich his lawn or garden or, in a burst of neighborly friendliness, he could offer to return the finished compost to their lawns or gardens.

It’s possible the neighbors intentionally use unshelled peanuts because it keeps the critters around longer as they uncover the treat inside. The solution would be to teach 100 squirrels and 100 birds a more efficient way to shell the nuts, and leave the shells on the neighbors property. Once that is done, all the other birds and squirrels in the neighborhood will instantly pick up the process.

[ladyfoxfyre]

@Troppus

Ah. So your suggestion is to instruct the local wildlife about the merits of composting and proper waste disposal as well as lawn grooming? I imagine such creatures will be receptive to those suggestions, and will implement the plan somewhere between laughing furry and feathered little butts off at the hungry human who spends hours picking up empty shells and providing entertainment to the kindly elderly neighbors. Good luck, OP!

Local wildlife? I guess I didn’t read the part of the OP where the squirrels are feasting on wild peanuts. You’re a fucking moron.

[purplehorseshoe]

@otternell

I can sympathize somewhat, as peanuts when they decompose can have a detrimental effect on plants and growth. Husband dumped a bunch of peanuts out for squirrels and there were a lot of shells left right there. The grass stopped growing in that area. Although on the plus side, the creeping charlie did too. . .

I can almost guarantee they were salted peanuts. Hubby went all Biblical on your ass and salted the earth.

[Debaser]

The posters giving the OP a hard time all sound like the type of idiots who toss an apple core out of the car window because “it’s natural” and will just decompose.

Yeah. In a long time. Meanwhile it’s in someone’s front yard rotting.

Some people actually give a shit about their yard and work to make it look good and don’t want it to be filled with other people’s trash.

My sympathies to you, OP, for your asshole neighbors.

[Troppus]

@Debaser

Some people actually give a shit about their yard and work to make it look good and don’t want it to be filled with other people’s trash.

Let me guess, your yard has dyed mulch, one row of shrubs color-matched to your garishly painted non-operable shutters, and you raise a din for hours each week-end because you use a leaf-blower each time you mow? Grass in a perfect rectangle and groomed to resemble astro-turf? Also, is there an uptight ninny wandering about picking up dandelion seeds by the individual floss? Your yard looks sterile, plastic, and ridiculous.

You know which yards look good? Those which best replicate a natural environment, attract wildlife, and strike a happy medium between human and wildlife occupation.

[Debaser]

@Troppus

…you use a leaf-blower each time you mow?

Mow? I haven’t mowed in years.

You pay people to do that.

[Enderw24]

Go over and ask them to stop using peanuts. Be nice. If one of those old geezers gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won’t walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can’t walk him, one of your neighbors will help you, and you’ll both be nice. I want you to remember that it’s a lawn. It’s nothing personal.

I want you to be nice until it’s time to not be nice.

[ladyfoxfyre]

@Troppus

Let me guess, your yard has dyed mulch, one row of shrubs color-matched to your garishly painted non-operable shutters, and you raise a din for hours each week-end because you use a leaf-blower each time you mow? Grass in a perfect rectangle and groomed to resemble astro-turf? Also, is there an uptight ninny wandering about picking up dandelion seeds by the individual floss? Your yard looks sterile, plastic, and ridiculous.

If there’s anyone we can trust on the subject, it’s clearly the guy with such a solid command of the concept of nuance.

[Troppus]

@ladyfoxfyre

If there’s anyone we can trust on the subject, it’s clearly the guy with such a solid command of the concept of nuance.

So your shutters… maroon, right? Got a little smug soldier row of crimson pygmy barberry alternating with variegated euonymous? No? Dwarf nandina? Little row of liriope? Brick nuggets corralled in black plastic edging? And the beautiful arching limbs of forsythia at the end of your drive… you trim that bad boy into a 1950’s flattop, dontcha? Good job girl, tame that shit! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that symmetry is an abomination in nature. Keep on contrivin’!

[Autolycus]

What the fuck are you smoking?

[kayaker]

@Autolycus

What the fuck are you smoking?

And pass left.