I pit roofers who poop in my yard.

[Ambivalid]

@MOIDALIZE

I worked a construction laborer job one summer during college. I worked for the builder, driving a truck around the homes under construction in their various developments and cleaning up after the contractors. Generally, I’d find a big, empty cardboard box laying around somewhere on the build site, load the box up with trash and debris, haul the whole box back to the truck and heave it into the bed, then took it to the dumpster.

At one house, I was down in a basement, picking up after the HVAC guys. These particular fellows had left behind a case of empty beer cans and a huge mess. So I fill up my box, heave it into my truck, and drive it to the dumpster. I would usually stand in the bed of the truck and try to chuck the whole box into the dumpster, but it was near the end of the day and I just didn’t have the strength left to do it, so I started picking stuff out of the box individually to throw away to lighten the load. At one point, as I grabbed a small box stuffed with empty caulking tubes, I noticed the bottom was wet and the box was about to fall apart, so I tried to hurriedly throw the box away, but I was too late. The bottom fell open, and out fell a big, smelly beer turd that one of the contractors was kind enough to leave behind for me, hidden in a box. Like treasure. Only this treasure fouled my work glove, plopped down onto my work boot, and slid down the side of my truck, leaving behind a nice, stinky poop streak to bake in the 92° heat.

The moral of the story is that residential construction contractors are rotten, God-forsaken scumbags.

That is just truly, truly horrendous. A very traumatic experience I’m sure.

[Whatever4]

@Malacandra

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[Muffin]

Well, I’ve learned something new today. The people who install soffits and eavestroughs do not consider themselves to be roofers.

This morning I’m installing radiator grille inserts on my Jeep that I made from aluminum evestrough leaf guards. A couple of fellows arrive to install soffits and eavestroughs on my neighbour’s house.

Me: “Did you guys do the shingles a few days ago?”

Installer 1: “Some roofers did. We’re with the same company.”

Me: “One of them left some shit behind by bedroom window.”

Installer 1: “We’ll take care of that. Show me where their stuff is.”

We walk around behind my window.

Installer 1: “Where’s the stuff? Where’d these wet wipes come from?”

Me: “Probably out of the roofer’s ass. It wasn’t his stuff that he left, it was his shit.”

Installer 1: “Shit! That fucker shit here! Fuckin’ roofers. That’s typical fuckin’ roofer behaviour for you. I’m so sorry. They’re just different. Really fuckin’ different. Fuckin’ roofers. I’ll call the boss and have him make Brian come pick up his shit. That’s just unacceptable. Shit.”

We walk back to my neighbour’s place, pondering the mysteries of the roofer’s mind, or lack thereof.

Installer 2 to Installer 1: “Where’s Brian’s stuff?”

Installer 1 (trying not to laugh): “Behind the other house’s window.”

Installer 2: “What shit did he leave? His buckets?”

Me: “No. He didn’t use his bucket.”

Installer 1: “Go see for yourself.”

Installer 2 walks behind my window. Installer 1 and I try not to crack up until Installer 2 is behind my house. Installer 2 returns with tears running down his cheek.

Installer 2 (laughing) to Installer 1: “Shit, man. That’s so fuckin’ wrong. Get Brian back here and rub his nose in that shit. Fuckin’ roofers.”

Installer 1 calls his boss.

Installer 1 (to me and Installer 2): “Brian’s in a lot of shit now. He’ll come clean it up. Shit. Fuckin’ dumb roofers.”

We then talk Jeep for a few minutes before I set off for work.

[Kimballkid]

The funniest part was that they knew exactly which guy it was. Apparently he must do it a lot.

[Muffin]

Bingo.

[Sattua]

Muffin, you need to publish that as a lost Charles Bukowski short. I mean, really. I’d be fooled.

[OneCentStamp]

That exchange was such a great payoff for reading this harrowing thread.

[Labrador_Deceiver]

@Muffin

Well, I’ve learned something new today. The people who install soffits and eavestroughs do not consider themselves to be roofers.

Just so you know, neither does anyone else. The exterior trim guys take care of the soffit.

[Siam_Sam]

Or maybe they’re all in on it, and this is the schtick they go through every time someone calls them on it.