Something's crapping in the basement window

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I went down to do some laundry on Saturday and thought I smelled something weird, a little funky- dead fish- dead animal- moldy laundry smell.

I opened up the dryer because I had left some sheets drying in there a few days earlier. This is when I got a face full of the stench. I took the sheets out, smelled them and decided that they would definitely need to be washed again.

I call my husband down and we begin to investigate.

The dryer vents to a basement window. The window is below ground level so it’s surrounded by a brick window well 3 feet long, 1 foot wide and about 18 inches deep. This enclosure is covered on top with aplastic bubble meant to keep snow and leaves out of the window well. The plastic bubble is held down on three sides by bricks. (I’m having a hard time describing this but I’m thinking if you have a basement you get what I’m talking about).

OK so Mr. Jones goes up to see what’s up with the window well and then comes back down and says that he found the problem. We look into the window well and there are several very large piles of shit laying on top of some dead leaves in the window well.

The poop is large. People size large or very big dog large. We have a 19 lb. cat and he doesn’t produce poop this size and we’re scratching our heads wondering what the heck is big enough to leave a steaming pile that big and still fit into the window well…racoon?

Plus how is it that the plastic bubble is undisturbed? We recently fired our lawn guy and originally suspected him but he’s really not bright enough to come up with something this diabolical. Plus, my mother in law, who lives with us, would have pushed the plastic bubble back if she saw it moved without looking into the window well.

So we got a shovel and a double layer of garbage bags and gloves and scooped the poop out of the window well. I squirted Febreeze in the dryer and it smells nice again.

Next day, we check and sure enough, the bubble is moved and there’s a new pile of shit in the window well. :eek:

I haven’t checked this morning yet. I’m almost afraid to look but we certainly don’t want it to linger there since it’s tainting the dryer.

And we’re still trying to figure out what’s big enough to create such a generous amount of crap while still being able to fit down into the window well. Unless the beast is hanging his hiney over the edge.

Weird.

2

On three, everybody. One. Two. Three…

IT’S YOUR HUSBAND. :smiley:

Short of installing a cam or something, I have nothing to offer. Sorry.

3

You have my deepest sympathy. All I can think of to help would be to mount a camera somewhere and try to get some footage of whatever the Phantom Pooter looks like. If things go well and it’s something you might want to share, go viral with it.

Sounds too clever just to be some critter. Any homeless live nearby? Naughty kids? Vindictive neighbors or co-workers? Unfriendly cops?

ETA: Didn’t see Olentzero’s cam idea until I had posted. Looks like a popular enough idea.

4

I have no idea. I can’t imagine it’s an animal; while they might push the bubble aside they’d most likely not replace it.

Can you rig some sort of non-lethal booby trap? Maybe something that would make lots of noise, or dump a bucket of water on them or something?

Please post when you find out. I know it’s not funny to you, but…

5

It’s just the homeless person living in the back of your garage.

6

Subscribing, cuz I wanna know the outcome of this mystery.

suspects:

  • miscreant teenagers
  • the fired lawn guy, who isn’t as dim as he seems
  • husband
  • Someone that velvetfam has really torked off, not counting the lawn guy
7

I’ve had another idea on who might be doing this. Somebody trying to sell you and your neighbors some sort of protection plan. Housekeeping service, pest control, some other homecare service. Creating a need sort of thing.

8

Isn’t that the title of a song from “Abbey Road?”

9

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, its the Hurlihy boy!

10

Maybe you have a neighbor that’s confusing your window well with one of these.

11

I read it to the tune of “I’ve been working on the railroad”.

12

Fits better to “Chestnuts roasting on an open fiiiiirrrreee.”

The smelly crap would point to a carnivore of some sort. Definitely a camera is what’s needed here. If it was a miscreant trying to bug you, they’d most likely have noticed their previous work had been disturbed and move on. It’s either an animal or a very sick person - mentally ill or serious addict. Crack addicts are known for pooping all over the place, I think the stuff makes you go when you take the first puff or something. We had a bunch of them using an aprtment stairwell once. Ick!

I woudl call the police. Not 911, but the local office and just talk it through with someone. If it’s an animal, it’s a large carnivore, and if it’s a person, they are most likely dangerous.

13

Raccoon(s). They tend to go back to the same spot. Bet you have a family of 'coons close by.

14

Perhaps a possum, they have the stinkiest poop around, but might not be big enough…

15

Update du jour:

Last night my husband rounded up as many extra bricks we had laying around the yard (we’ve been doing some yard renovations so there is no shortage of bricks at the moment) and he pretty much put a double layer of brick around the entire window bubble to make it harder to disturb.

He also scooped the latest poop out of there and threw it in the far corner of the yard behind the shed with the thought that if it is a raccoon maybe they’ll decide to poop there instead.

And just to clarify, we live with my 90 year old mother in law who is one of those old people who’s constantly tidying things and putting things back where they belong and who gets very confused if something is out of place. It is entirely possible that she has noticed that the window bubble was disturbed and just put it back in place without considering why it had moved and without noticing anything or even looking in the window well. (Of course she claims that she never touched it but her short term memory is shot so she’s not reliable).

Mr. Jones has threatened to sleep on the porch but for now the bricks seem to be discouraging whatever or whomever is the phantom pooper.

16

Does anyone else think “The Phantom Pooper” would be a great superhero name? :smiley:

17

That’s superior to the Phantom Pooter that I mentioned. We had a gal at work (years ago) who could drop a cloud as she was walking down the hall that would peel paint. But never a sound. Your world-famous SBD. Everybody at that place referred to her as PP or just “The Phantom.”

18

Is she spry enough to be the culprit?:stuck_out_tongue:

19

My dad would tell a story of a Phantom Pooper that he would encounter at work on an occasional basis. Dude would leave a load in a toilet so big that it would not flush, about once a month. He was astonished that TPP didn’t rip open on delivery…

20

Wow, I can’t believe I know of this site… but, there have been many times that I’ve needed to identify a phantom pooper.

http://icwdm.org/Inspection/droppingfeces.asp (Look for the redirect to the current page)

Here is the direct link to a decision tree on scat: http://icwdm.org/Inspection/Identification%20Key%20to%20Scatdferraro.htm