Look dude, I know you didn’t really want a job. It was either this or your girlfriend kicks you out (again). It wasn’t my idea to hire you but hey, they figured you couldn’t possibly be any slower than our other cook. Plus your girlfriend told us you’re “such a great cook at home.” I’m starting to think that translates into “It takes you so fucking long to make dinner that everyone is starving by the time you get it done.”
Of course, you may be a good cook. But then I’d be a great cook too if I had all day to fart around because I wasn’t working. Not to mention the year you just spent in prison. Probably had lots of time to read cookbooks and watch the Food Network, eh? Too bad your girlfriend won’t clue you in about how slow you are but then she really doesn’t give a shit as long as she doesn’t have to support your beer habit.
Anyway, you are a LOT slower than our other slow cook. I didn’t think that was possible. It just took you 23 goddamned minutes to make two breakfast orders. That’s TWO simple orders. That was the only table we had at the time. Two things! Luckily they were regular customers so they took it in stride when their server told them how ungodly slow you are. Oh, and breakfast orders are supposed to out in seven minutes. It took you over three times as long to get that easy order out. What the fuck, dude?
I’m at a loss. I really am. I am also sick and tired of having to literally babysit your sloth-like ass. I shouldn’t have to check on you every time you get ONE ticket. How is it possible for one human being to be move so slow? Are there lead plates in your shoes? Did you step in super glue? Sniff too much super glue? Are you cold-blooded? Do we need to turn the heat up? Did the boss not rip you enough times?
I know you’re poor and all and your girlfriend’s twenty-something daughter is on her fourth pregnancy (hey, she just got out of prison, too!) and her 16 year old juvenile delinquent daughter just got knocked up, yadda yadda. So yeah, it’s not all good times at home. But you’re in your late thirties and you can’t handle this shit?
I like to think I’m more enlightened now that I’m older and I do have sympathy for the poor (especially since they’re so demonized by the Republican party) but goddamnit, you really make it hard. You’re not retarded, you don’t have any physical ailments that I know of. What you do have are all the attributes exploited by the Repubs when they diss the poor. Dude, you suck.
How…can…one…person…be…so…slow?
