I Pit 'The Onion' and Their Insanely Stupid 'Ask The' Columns".

The BBQ Pit
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I read the weekly satire paper The Onion like many people do. It is generally pretty funny if not a little uneven from week to week.

However, The Onion has an insanely stupid and unfunny ‘Ask the’ column sometimes. For those of you that haven’t seen it, it goes something like this.

ASK THE FAX MACHINE:

**Dear Fax Machine,

I just found out that I only have a year to live. I want to make the most of it. Do you have any advice?

FAX MACHINE:
BOONCH BEEEP BONCK PRINNGGGG BOOMPP BOOMMP BOOMP CHINNG…

and that is the end of it. Then, they repeat this exact same thing with another letter.**

[This week’s ask the column](Ask A Man Who’s Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller’s Pussy) is ‘Ask A Man Who’s Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller’s Pussy’. Now the title and premise for that is much funnier than most of them but they still pull the same stupid shit. Read it for yourself.

People on this board have done ‘Ask The’ parodies many times with funny results. Today’s ‘Ask the 50’s Dad’ for instance is pretty cute and that is just some Doper writing replies in near real-time. The Onion has professional writers and weeks to come up with something good and the 100%, completely fuck it up and then repeat the mistake over and over.

Is there anyone in the world that finds these remotely amusing? I know you are going to say that I don’t have to read it and you are right. However, it is not the reading that pisses me off but the fact that something so horrific gets published repeatedly in a popular newspaper. Its very existence is screwing with my worldview.

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Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph… MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm… Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God… MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant…) (gurgle!) MMMPH!

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I liked the one that was something like “Ask the kid who just got a new book of knock-knock jokes.”

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The Onion gives me free beer several times a month. Therefore, they are above any and all criticism you may attempt to hurl at them.

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Anyone else revelling in the near perfect symbiosis of content and username in Go Blue’s post?

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Seriously, though, you have to admit that must be just about exactly what it sounds like to be jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller’s pussy.

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Best Onion thing. Evar.

You fail.

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I was going to mention my own favorite, “Ask the worker bee drone,” but yours blows mine out of the water.

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Found it!

I bet this thread isn’t going at all the way the OP planned.

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People are posting so-called great examples and I am not seeing it at all. I get more pissed every time I read another one hoping that will be the one that makes everything clear. I guess these things must be like one of those Magic Eye 3-D posters. All I see is two non-sequitors cut and pasted together in an annoying way. I usually have a good eye for comedy of all types but this one just baffles me.

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I have to agree with Shagnasty. I can see how it would be a funny parody of “Ask Whoever” columns, but to me the joke just doesn’t really work as a running column. I generally skip them. Also, I can’t see those damned Magic Eye 3-D posters, either! :mad:

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Imagine. Jokes on a humor website. Sacrilege!

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The Phyllis Diller one was last week. It’s funnier than this week’s “Hitler was a Taurus” one IMO.

My favorite was Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman.

WHA—!!! When and where, please.

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I think this feature is usually unfunny, but sometimes it’s worth it. I liked “Ask a Traffic Cone.”

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I’m with the OP on this one. The Onion cracks my ass up, but the “Ask the whatever” articles never did anything for me.

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I hate to tell you this, but SDMB “Ask The” threads are not parodies of Onion “Ask The” columns. matt or somebody started the “Ask The” threads years ago, with “Ask The Gay Guy”, because he wanted to be helpful and informative. Or he was tired of answering questions in every other thread, I forget exactly. Anyway, SDMB “Ask The” is not usually supposed to be funny, and even when it is done for humorous effect, they still don’t use the non-sequitur gag. Anyway, how do you parody a parody?

:::Rilchiam grumbles because she can’t find “Ask the Dauphin” and “Ask A Frat Brother Who Let A Pledge Drown During Hazing”:::

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Ask the Dauphin
Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry

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Thank you!!!

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And I hate to tell you this, but he never said they were. :stuck_out_tongue:

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In my vain search for “Ask a Traffic Cone,” I’ve read a bunch more of these. Despite what I said, the ones I’ve found are pretty good.

Ask Someone Who Writes To Advice Columns