I agree with this. This situation is horrible for all involved, and I know I too would feel terrible if I were in this situation, but try not to direct your anger at your dad. This is not the act of someone who is trying to be malicious or dishonest, but of someone who is ill and not thinking clearly. Blaming someone with dementia for not acting appropriately is like blaming someone with diabetes for not being able to keep their blood sugar down. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t recognize how inappropriate this behavior is. I definitely agree with the idea of asking the neurologist for resources. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to look into support groups for dementia caregivers to see if you can find other families who can relate to how traumatic is when someone you love starts acting like they’re a different person.
Even though this doesn’t sound like Alzheimer’s disease, I think it would be worthwhile to contact the Alzheimer’s Association ( http://www.alz.org/ ) to see if they can direct you to some support groups or other relevant resources for other dementias.
I read the title, then I read the first paragraph of the OP, and was thinking, “how deluded is this person?” Then I read the rest. Well played.
When trolls troll trolls, trolls troll forever.
I think I just conjugated Troll?
[QUOTE=Cat Whisperer]
No kidding.
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Jesus, give him a break. It’s not like his parents are making a lot of effort to hide it.
I’m sure it’s the weirdest one I’ve seen.
And I thought it was bad when I first caught my dad looking at porn on his computer. I hope your dad gets the help he needs, cwthree.
I think OP is implying that this behaviour is not typical of their parent. Grude seemed to miss that.
Just going to reiterate the sentiment that OP blaming their parent will fix nothing, more for grude’s sake than anyone elses.
Who the hell said anything about blaming their father, I said they should accept it whether it is typical or not(and for their own sanity not investigate their father’s sex life anymore lol).
Except it’s not just who the OP’s father is, it’s that dementia is robbing him of his ability to maintain discretion, to determine what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, and putting his own life and possibly his wife’s life at risk.
I think if it was just a case of “I uncovered dad’s playing on the downlow with mom’s approval” or “Dad has just come out to us after 60ish years, he can’t live a lie any more” then the OP would probably be upset, but less distressed, if that makes sense.
Regardless of whether dad is gay, straight, bisexual or wants to fuck a car, the fact is that he’s losing his ability to make safe judgements. If he’s not bothering to be discrete about trying to hook up with men, but still denying that he is gay and trying to make excuses about the evidence, then as mentioned upthread what else is he not bothering with? Condoms? Giving someone his house keys or bank card? Suddenly deciding to leave the state without telling anyone where he was going?
There’s already been a non-sexual situation where dad has made a decision in poor judgement that could have had serious repercussions financially for him and the OP’s mom.
There is a nonzero chance that the OP’s father may decide to invite one of these nice boys home one day. Best case scenario is that they have sex and the guy leaves. Great, good for them. Worst case scenario is that he is a predator and realises he’s got someone who’s not all there any more at his beck and call. And the OP’s father may not realise he’s being taken advantage of and as I mentioned, he could end up destroying not only his own life but his wife’s life as well.
This thread isn’t about the OP’s father being gay. This thread is about the distress that comes from watching someone who is meant to be a stable force in your life slowly self destructing as their brain eats itself and changes who they are on a fundamental level.
Wow, I feel lucky. My dad’s dementia just meant he wandered away… oh, and drank soda with soy sauce in it.
I can’t imagine going through what the OP is.
Well you certainly demonstrated the diversity of the term.
Pics?
Assuming the OP is happy to be alive, wouldn’t that be an odd thing to pit?
I had the same question. And not only that, but it’s not necessarily the culture’s fault. I’ve at least heard of people claiming that their preferences in orientation change over time, so maybe he just got more interested in men in his later years. Or maybe he was always a bit mildly curious and, with the type of dementia, just sort of decided to just experiment. Or maybe it was a repressive culture and he felt compelled to marry a woman to be normal.
Regardless, I don’t think this is really the place for that since really his dad’s sexuality is essentially incidental to what the OP is pitting. His dad’s dementia is leading him to behavior that is, without judgment of the behavior in other contexts, cause harm to his loved ones. If it were something else, like the phone example, or like as simple as an affair with another woman instead, or gambling, or substance abuse, it might be more apparent.
To the OP, that is an crappy situation, but I’d agree with most of the advice you’ve seen. It’s unfortunate that you’ll probably end up only getting in a little deeper dealing with the possibilities of STDs and your dad’s potentially deteriorating condition, and more uncomfortable conversations.
“I sent a meetup request to one of my dad’s gay hookup profiles” might possibly be the most cringeworthy thing I’ve ever heard, if not for a joke I heard Ricky Gervais tell in one of his standup specials.
Thank you, Sierra Indigo, for articulating my concerns better than I could.
Absolultely. Had we found out that Dad had a series of one-night stands (with a man, a woman, a melon, whatever), there would be anger and disappointment, sure. If he’d been having a long-term affair with some guy because men are what turns him on, Mom would have been bewildered but able to accept that it’s not a comment on her. Hell, if he had come out and said he wanted to enjoy some guy sex before he gets too old to do it, she might even have told him to go get it (from someone clean and safe) while he still can.
This is what upsets Mom (and me, and my sister) the most. As far as we can tell (more on this later), he’s not even meeting these men in a safe place before (or instead of) inviting them over. A clearly-thinking man would have a chance of understanding the risks. He’d either meet the guy at a motel for a quick fuck or meet someplace neutral, try to assess the the situation, and then bring him home or send him on his way.
Dad has indeed invited at least one of the nice boys home. The most recent “nice boy” was actually me:
[QUOTE=cwthree]
I sent a meetup request to one of my dad’s gay hookup profiles
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He suggested a time when my Mom was likely to be out. He confirmed the time almost as soon as my Mom told him she was definitely going to be out. He provided a phone number which is my Dad’s real phone number and told me to meet him at my parent’s address. My sister, who lives in town, went over to the house at the appointed time and told him that his date wasn’t going to make it. When my Mom came home, she asked him about what happened. He denies setting up anything.
What I’ve come to hate about dementia is its lack of predictability. My MIL died a couple of years ago, 10 years after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. When I think about it, I realize how different it was than what my Dad’s going through. MIL lost her ability to form new memories, had zero short-term memory, and was perpetually confused about where she was (“What room is this? What room is this?”). On the other hand, her basic personality didn’t really change - she had none of the rage or paranoia that I’ve heard about from other people living with a parent with Alzheimer’s.
Dad, on the other hand, seems to be well-oriented as to place and time, enjoys socializing with friends, and looks forward to activities. On the other hand, he’s become careless with his safety and his possessions. He adamantly denies that he is looking for sex, denies that any of the communications came from him, and insists that he has nothing to do with any of this. Last I heard, he was hanging out in the living room acting as though nothing unusual had happened.
Mom is furious and trying to figure out what to do. She doesn’t feel safe in the house, since she has no way of knowing if he’s going to invite some other stranger over. She wants him to see a therapist, although I don’t know if that’s going to help a man who is truly no longer in his right mind. She assures me that she hasn’t had sex with him in years and isn’t going to, so I think she’s safe, STD-wise.
I’ve urged her to take Dad back to the neurologist. I think he’s changed since he was last evaluated. Perhaps the dementia is worsening, or perhaps the medication is exacerbating it. Regardless, we clearly need a better idea of what’s going on inside his head.
I think I’m going to need some professional help as well. On the one hand, I feel like a shit for helping provide the final bit of proof that Dad’s being dishonest. On the other hand, Mom says he’s been hell to live with for the past year or more, and she *did *ask me to help her find out if he’s really messing around. On the *other *hand, Dad seems unfazed by the whole thing, so maybe I haven’t really made life worse for anyone but myself.
Be careful what you ask for. If you’re safe, sane, single, drug-, disease-, and drama-free she just might take you up on it. 
Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
Depending on the nature of your father’s illness, he may be dissociating to a point where he genuinely believes what he is saying about not having sent the messages, etc. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
How sure are you that your father’s denials are the result of his diagnosed dementia? Maybe his rational fully functioning mental capacity is thinking he’s in a shit-storm and denying is his best option at this point. Maybe it’s easier to blame it on his condition instead of thinking your dad is a shit heel.
Your dad has been taking risks that could hurt him and your mother quite badly. It’s in his best interests and your mother’s that you all found out now rather than later when he invited the wrong guy into the house. I get why you’d feel like crap anyway, though - upsetting the apple cart does not feel good, even when it deeply needs to be upset.
What a spectacular way for someone to lose their sanity. Ouch. 