Someone - and we’ll discuss the possibilities in a minute - is using a picture of my father to create profiles on gay hookup/dating sites.
Backstory: A few months ago my Mom was using my Dad’s computer for something or other and she came across some naked pictures of my Dad. She asked him about and he said he’d been fooling around with the camera on his phone. Juvenile, but not really weird.* She said she’d also walked in on him apparently taking a picture of his ass with the camera on his laptop (he said he was adjusting his junk). She’s also seen him looking at pictures of naked men online. He says that he’s been getting unsolicited email with these pictures attached, and claims that he’s embarrassed by them.
I checked his browser history, and sure enough, there were lots of visits to gay hookup sites. I created a couple of profiles on those sites, searched for men matching my Dad’s age and location, and sure enough, each site had a profile with a face shot of my Dad and a description (age, height, non-sexual interests, other physical specs) that matches him. On each site, the profile used the the handle that my Dad uses on other sites (message boards, that sort of thing).
I sent a message to one of the profiles, saying, “Hey, let’s meet.” The reply was, “Sorry, I’m on vacation in VacationLand until ReturnDate.” My parents were, in fact, vacationing in VacationLand and planning to come home on ReturnDate.
So here’s my first pitting: my Dad. Dad, the evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of you using these sites to hook up with men. I’m not pitting you for being gay or bi; in fact, Mom says she’s wondered for the past few years, what with your total lack of interest in sex with her.** You wouldn’t even be the first person we know to come out at your age. I’m pitting you because you didn’t just man up and admit that you like men. I’m pitting you because you didn’t own up to looking for partners on the side. I’m pitting you because your dishonesty is catching up with you and hurting your wife and my Mom in the process, and that’s not fair.
Here’s my second pitting: Dementia. Following a couple of years of increasingly odd behavior, my Dad was evaluated and found to have “impaired executive function.” That is, he has mild dementia. He can handle the activities of daily living, but he has diminished ability to understand the consequences of his actions. If he’s gay, it’s entirely understandable that he can’t fake being straight any more. It’s also likely that he is not capable of understanding why my Mom is upset. I understand that Dad can’t control this, but dammit, it’s hurting people and I there really isn’t anyone I can dump blame on. The neurologist isn’t sure what’s causing the dementia, if it will get worse, and how fast. Dad’s on some medication that’s supposed to improve his mental function, but it can’t fix him. Fuck you, dementia. Fuck you sideways with a pineapple..
Here’s my final pitting, because I believe that one is innocent until proven guilty: the mysterious “other guy” who is impersonating my Dad. I don’t really think you exist, but if you do, you’re one mean bastard. The joke was funny for about 5 minutes. Now it’s not. Find someone else to embarrass by filling his inbox with full frontal shots of middle-aged men.
- I told her that with the proliferation of phones with cameras, there’s proabaly a 90% chance that any given guy has taken a pic of his penis. Whether he has saved that picture is another story.
** Let it be known that my Mom is a healthy, fine-looking woman who, I think, can reasonably expect to be the object of sexual attraction.