I pit the person who is using my Dad's picture to pick up men (long, whiny)

The BBQ Pit
#1

Someone - and we’ll discuss the possibilities in a minute - is using a picture of my father to create profiles on gay hookup/dating sites.

Backstory: A few months ago my Mom was using my Dad’s computer for something or other and she came across some naked pictures of my Dad. She asked him about and he said he’d been fooling around with the camera on his phone. Juvenile, but not really weird.* She said she’d also walked in on him apparently taking a picture of his ass with the camera on his laptop (he said he was adjusting his junk). She’s also seen him looking at pictures of naked men online. He says that he’s been getting unsolicited email with these pictures attached, and claims that he’s embarrassed by them.

I checked his browser history, and sure enough, there were lots of visits to gay hookup sites. I created a couple of profiles on those sites, searched for men matching my Dad’s age and location, and sure enough, each site had a profile with a face shot of my Dad and a description (age, height, non-sexual interests, other physical specs) that matches him. On each site, the profile used the the handle that my Dad uses on other sites (message boards, that sort of thing).

I sent a message to one of the profiles, saying, “Hey, let’s meet.” The reply was, “Sorry, I’m on vacation in VacationLand until ReturnDate.” My parents were, in fact, vacationing in VacationLand and planning to come home on ReturnDate.

So here’s my first pitting: my Dad. Dad, the evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of you using these sites to hook up with men. I’m not pitting you for being gay or bi; in fact, Mom says she’s wondered for the past few years, what with your total lack of interest in sex with her.** You wouldn’t even be the first person we know to come out at your age. I’m pitting you because you didn’t just man up and admit that you like men. I’m pitting you because you didn’t own up to looking for partners on the side. I’m pitting you because your dishonesty is catching up with you and hurting your wife and my Mom in the process, and that’s not fair.

Here’s my second pitting: Dementia. Following a couple of years of increasingly odd behavior, my Dad was evaluated and found to have “impaired executive function.” That is, he has mild dementia. He can handle the activities of daily living, but he has diminished ability to understand the consequences of his actions. If he’s gay, it’s entirely understandable that he can’t fake being straight any more. It’s also likely that he is not capable of understanding why my Mom is upset. I understand that Dad can’t control this, but dammit, it’s hurting people and I there really isn’t anyone I can dump blame on. The neurologist isn’t sure what’s causing the dementia, if it will get worse, and how fast. Dad’s on some medication that’s supposed to improve his mental function, but it can’t fix him. Fuck you, dementia. Fuck you sideways with a pineapple..

Here’s my final pitting, because I believe that one is innocent until proven guilty: the mysterious “other guy” who is impersonating my Dad. I don’t really think you exist, but if you do, you’re one mean bastard. The joke was funny for about 5 minutes. Now it’s not. Find someone else to embarrass by filling his inbox with full frontal shots of middle-aged men.

  • I told her that with the proliferation of phones with cameras, there’s proabaly a 90% chance that any given guy has taken a pic of his penis. Whether he has saved that picture is another story.

** Let it be known that my Mom is a healthy, fine-looking woman who, I think, can reasonably expect to be the object of sexual attraction.

#2

…huh?..
Your dad is looking for men on gay hookup sites, deal and move on.

#3

Next time, try reading for comprehension.

My Dad, who has dementia that impairs his ability to make wise decisions, is inviting strangers to his home for sex. It is unlikely that he has the ability or desire to evaluate potential hookups with regard to safety. He’s also still married to my Mom, who - reasonably, I think - feels betrayed.

#4

How old is he? It takes a bit of sophistication to create profiles and post and hook up sites, I’m wondering if he isn’t using it as a shield.

Your mom has the right to feel angry, but it isn’t going to change anything. I’d say her best bet is to realize as far as sex her marriage is over, and seek a relationship if that is what she wants.

#5

You know way too much about your parents’ sex lives.

#6

No kidding.

#7

He’s in his late sixties. He was evaluated by a neurologist and a neuropsychiatrist, and they felt that his cognitive problems were limited to “executive function.” That is, his ability to look forward and anticipate the consequences of his actions is limited. For instance, he gave his cell phone to a stranger, who “borrowed” it and never came back. Stolen phone - no big deal. Not thinking to stop service on the account - big deal. Mom only found out when the bill, full of excess charges, came in. But Dad’s ability to socialize and converse is fine, he enjoys doing the things he always has, etc. I suspect he’s been hooking up for quite a while, but his cognitive impairment has made him less able - or less interested - in hiding it.

Yeah, you know this and I know this, and I think in her heart of hearts my Mom knows this. She is looking for a therapist or counselor to help her work through this and decide how to handle it. Meanwhile, I’m the one she talks to because this involves “guy stuff” and I’m the son.

Tell me about it. Where’s that pukey smiley when you need it?

#8

Dementia or not, you should have a frank conversation with your dad about his choices here. Not to judge him or make him feel bad - but just to find out what his take on all this is. He should know the jig is up.

Then you might want to contact his doctors and ask if this constitutes new information which changes their opinions of his progress. It might not. It might be that’s he’s simply decided he’s almost 70 and he’s doesn’t want to pretend any more - he just didn’t know how to start the conversation.

If the doctor’s think it’s time to reevaluate, then you should probably talk to your parents about their plans for power of attorney and long term care. Sadly, dementia only gets worse. You can’t wait until the last minute to discuss these things.

Sorry about all this.

#9

That’s fucked up, man. I’m sorry. For everyone involved :frowning:

#10

I’m sure it’s tough, and I’m sorry, but I hope you spare a few minutes to hate on the culture and ethos at that time that led your dad to marry a woman when he’s more interested in men. Not that it makes what he did okay, but it makes it a bit more understandable.

#11

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It really, really sucks, for you and your parents.

#12

That’s fair. I can definitely spare some ill will for that.

#13

That is a really tough thing to have to know and deal with regarding your parents. I am sorry about it all, and hope you can find some grace and wisdom to help both your parents, and yourself, too. I hope venting here helped, and I wish all the replies were supportive.

#14

It also takes a level of some less-easily defined form of sophistication to NOT create profiles and post on hook-up sites. If I’m reading the OP correctly, that’s the one that his dad’s dementia is interfering with.

Sorry to hear about what your family is going through, cwthree. Here’s to getting to the other side of it in as close to one piece as possible.

#15

My dad and I had a kind of rocky relationship, he tried to overcompensate sometimes for abandoning me when I was younger and never seemed to know how to relate to me. In my late teens he decided he’d try just relating to me as a guy friend and talked about this red head he dated at my age in GRAPHIC DETAIL including when they were drunk and chased out of a diner for under the table activities. I asked him to please never again talk about sex he had had.:eek:

#16

Echoing this.

I think your best bet, for your own peace of mind, is to try to take it to heart that your father is not responsible for his actions. He’s mentally ill. Thinking of it in terms of dishonesty and betrayal isn’t fair or accurate, and it’s not likely to be effective in changing his behavior.

You and your mother may be able to get information from the neurologist about resources that are available to instruct and assist in the care of an adult suffering from dementia. Your city or county government may have some sort of elder services office, too.

#17

cwthree, this is an unpleasant bit of advice I’m going to give you, but it might save your mom’s life:

For the love of God, tell her never ever ever to have sex with your father again.

If his executive ability is so compromised that he’s posting nakie pictures on gay pick-up sites and looking for hookups, there’s the real possibility that he’s out having sex with other people, and - hey, lack of executive function? - he’s probably not using any protection. HIV can’t be cured and does still kill. Herpes, while not deadly, is incurable, a complete pain, and totally changes your sex life gameplan. HPV, if not caught, can cause cancer. (It’s not that your dad is probably a closeted gay man. It’s that he’s a man who cannot connect behavior to consequences and take precautions.

I’m sorry. The whole thing sucks, and depending on what type of dementia your dad has (frontal-temporal, vascular, or Alzheimer’s), he may stay the same, gradually get worse, or plateau until the next stroke. If at all possible, get him back to the neurologist to assess his condition and its progression and talk to him about durable power of attorney, advanced directive, and possible conservatorship.

#18

This may be the weirdest Pit thread I’ve ever seen. Sorry you’re dealing with this stuff.

#19

Thanks, phouka. Yeah, that’s a conversation I don’t want to have, but I’m going to have to. Even if Dad’s intent is to use protection, I don’t trust him to stand up to someone who refuses to use it. Hell, for all I know he’s been screwing guys since before anyone thought condoms were necessary for anything but contraception.

I’ll need to talk to Mom about this. I think she’s taken some steps to protect assets, but there’s a lot more to be done. Getting Dad back to the neurologist is going to be fun. I wonder if we can get him to see his regular doctor for a round of STD testing as long as we’re arguing about it.

#20

:eek: is right. At least Mom has apologized for pulling me into this and for the TMI quality of our conversations.