I texted Dad shortly after my last update here. Following a series of increasingly irritated messages from me, Dad started replying. Since at that point we knew Dad hadn’t yet gotten himself killed or maimed, Mom declined to make a missing persons report for him and asked me not to either. Since then, I’ve been keeping tabs on him via text messaging. Dad agreed that he would respond to queries and keep us updated on his whereabouts, and in exchange I wouldn’t call police and have his sorry ass hauled back home.
He made it to (Distant State). He spent the weekend walking around the capitol city and has booked himself into a motel for the next week. He’s very taken with it - says the weather is warm and things are inexpensive. I think he really has this idea that he’s just going to drive around until he finds someplace to settle down.
I asked why he chose this opportunity to take off, and he said, “Mom was making too much fuss at home.” It’s just as well that I’m 700 miles away, because if ever a comment merited a response with a clue-by-four, that’s got to be it. He also seems to have owned up to creating the gay dating profile (“seems,” because I’m not sure that his response was to my question or to another comment I had made). He appears to be totally clueless as to why Mom might have been a bit upset by the whole thing.
Mom’s holding up quite well. She says the last couple of years with Dad have been really unpleasant, what with him being so withdrawn and uncommunicative and all. I won’t say she’s glad he’s gone, but she’s in no hurry to have him come back, either.
Meanwhile, I harass him via text a couple of times a day to make sure he’s alive and to get a sense for what he’s planning next.
I guess the real question is, what is your mom planning next? Is she assuming he’ll get bored/run out of money and head home? Waiting to see what his next move is? Has she spoken to his doctor about this?
Mom is meeting with their lawyer to see what she can do to keep Dad from committing too much financial damage.
I think she’s assuming that eventually he’ll get bored or he’ll decide that taking care of himself in a new place is too much like work (they’ve had a very egalitarian relationship with regards to money and childrearing, but Mom has always done laundry, cooking, and organizing). Depending on what happens with the lawyer, Dad may run out of funds that he can access without Mom’s cooperation.
She had set up an appointment for him with his doctor before he took off. I don’t know if she’s been in touch with the doctor since then. Very likely she has.
Sounds like your dad has found a cheap hotel to have as many sexual encounters without worry about being busted in on by your sister. When that thrill wears off, he’ll probably head home.
Good to hear she’s still proceeding. I guess as long as he hasn’t been formally declared incompetent and neither had begun to file for divorce, it’s kind of hard to stop your spouse from using marital funds to go on a solo vacation… (yikes)
Are you sure that he is going to be able to find his way back when he is ready to leave? I would be concerned that with the dementia that he may not be able to. I definitely agree with making sure that his doctor knows what’s going on.
He’s bound and determined to stay there. On the upside, he’s decided that he wants to live in a continuing-care facility. He gets a small apartment with two meals a day (he’s on his own for the third meal) and basic housekeeping. He’s acknowledged that he has some cognitive deficits, and he’s concerned that if he lives completely on his own, he could get into some real trouble (ya think?). If his mental or physical state deteriorates, he can easily move to assisted living, Alzheimer’s care, or full nursing facilities in the same community.
Mom has taken steps to take her assets out of joint control, so they’re safe. She should be OK, money-wise. We’re concerned that Dad will blow through his half of the money, though. He has enough to live decently if he’s prudent, but I’m not sure I believe he can do that.
Mom and I will go to the place where he’s been staying. At this point, we just want to know that this care facility isn’t a total shithole. I have a copy of the rental agreement to review, so I can assure myself that Dad isn’t committing to something unreasonable.
There’s more, but I’m kind of burned out at the moment.
So basicly, since the start of this thread (over the last 2 weeks), your dad was the subject of a sting operation perpetuated by you, your mom and sister. Upon his outing, he fled hundreds of miles away and has now decided that he’s relocating to an assisted living place away from all of you. Bizarre.
Wow… Well, I hope prayers/thoughts/positive energy from random strangers helps. Seriously, I’m praying for your dad’s safety, and the sanity of everyone in your family.
Geez, when my dad wandered away, it was just down to the drugstore…
Funny, Mom, sis and I see it as: Mom confronted Dad with evidence that he was cheating on her, and when Dad was finally caught arranging a “date,” he ran away rather than try to work something out. I thank you for your… insight.
Dad has installed himself in the “independent living” portion of the assisted living place. He has an apartment, but he’s expected to check in each evening so that the management knows he hasn’t wandered off or died during the day. He sounds happy.
Mom and I went out there to take a look at the independent living place and to make sure that Dad is OK. The facility seems to be clean and in good repair. The residents we met seemed to be well cared-for and oriented to place and time. The population is overwhelmingly female, not that this makes much difference to Dad. Dad seemed to be doing well after taking care of himself for a few weeks. He was well-groomed, and his living space was clean and tidy. He has lost some weight; he does not cook and his appetite appears diminished.
Mom and I agreed that as long as he’s playing by the facility’s rules, he should be OK. They have our numbers, and they will contact us if there’s a problem. If Dad becomes incapable of living on his own, we probably will move him to a facility closer to Mom’s home, whether he likes it or not.
Mom’s assets are now protected so that Dad can’t spend or liquidate them. We are working with Dad to put his assets into a trust with me as a co-trustee. He’s amenable to this, and it gives me some control in case he tries to do something really stupid, financially. It will also make it easier for me to make sure his bills get paid, should he become unable to manage his own finances.
So that’s where we are now. Mom is getting on with things. Dad is getting on with things. I play switchboard operator and make sure that communication happens.
Wow, it seems like this could have turned out so much worse. I know you wish none of this had happened but maybe it will be ok. Better than you feared, at least. Good luck with coping with all this and good luck to your mom too.
Thanks for updating us all cwthree, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was wondering if your dad was okay and how you all were going.
kayT has it right, that of a bad situation this is probably one of the better outcomes. Especially given your dad’s amenable to your helping handle his financial situation.
cwthree, I do not envy you. You appear to have your plate full with your parents. I wish you the best as things proceed. It does sound like you all love each other and that probably counts for the most.