I pit you, the general public.

[DrDeth]

@Askthepizzaguy

It’s tough to tell you with a straight face to pay the delivery man a percentage. I personally don’t agree with it, because it ends up being unfair on one end, and then unfair on the other end as well.

You can skip to the bottom line if you don’t feel like reading my reasoning.

A percentage shouldn’t apply in my world, because it costs me the same amount in gas and effort to deliver 10 dollars worth of pizza or 70 dollars worth of pizza. It only becomes a real hassle when I have to make a second trip to my car, or the order is so large it requires several drivers being dispatched as the pizzas are being made.

Speaking from the driver’s perspective, of course, we’d LOVE to earn a percentage. But I’m not going to tell you with a straight face that’s what I deserve from every run.

If my customers paid me 20 percent, I’d earn 200 dollars a night. While that’s great, that’s what my boss the restaurant general manager earns. I’m not going to tell you not to tip that amount if you want, but I’m also not going to tell the world that this is what I need to earn.

I NEED to earn 2 dollars on every delivery, minimum. That’s the non-negotiable bare minimum wage I need to earn in order to pay my bills every month, and that’s also after expenses. So the delivery fee isn’t part of that.

Ergo, I request that no matter who you are, or how much you’ve ordered, or how much you make, you please do me the courtesy of promising to do the following:

1. If you want pizza delivered, ensure you have two bucks for the pizza man first. Not after the fact, do it before you place the order.

2. If you don’t want to pay that amount, please go get the food yourself, or ask a friend to split the bill with you and share.

Cheapskates, this means you: Please don’t bother me with your sob stories about how little money you have, while spending 20+ dollars on one meal. I cannot afford that, therefore your sob stories mean nothing to me. You obviously can afford the tip if you’re blowing 15-20 bucks on one meal. And that’s per person! Don’t ever give me that crap, please. I will laugh in your face, but I’ll be pissed that you tried to insult my intellect that way, so it will be a very sarcastic, angry laugh. Do not complain about how little you have when it’s a lot more than I have, that’s the first rule of capitalism. It’s why Republicans lose elections in a centrist/conservative country. Senators and Congressmen complaining that $200,000 dollars isn’t enough to feed their family? Fuck off with that noise.

Now, with that having been said, you know as well as I do that everyone is not going to get with the program and tip the minimum.

So, you’re one of those nice people, and you’ve got a driver who is clearly earning his keep, and giving you great service, give him some extra.

The extra is up to you. I’m not about to impose some ridiculous guideline here. What is it worth to you, sir or madam?

After that 2 buck minimum, each additional dollar is like an additional star in a hotel rating to me. You tip 3 bucks, you’re a 2 star hotel. Comfy, but not outstanding. You tip 4 bucks, you’re a 3 star hotel. Definitely worth staying in. You tip 5 bucks, you’re a 4 star hotel. You’re what I dream of when I want to go on vacation, and folks like you? Hell, you help me afford one. You tip more than 5 bucks and you’re 5 stars, baby.

If you want to think of it as a percentage, which, I don’t, but here it goes.

Minimum: $2 tip. No percentage.

Decent tip: $2 tip plus 10 percent.

That amounts to 3 dollars total for the tip on the minimum 10 dollar order. 2 dollars plus 1 dollar. See? 3 dollars is not an outrageously expensive ask. It is still much cheaper than the taxi ride would be.

If you ordered 20 dollars worth of food, by that metric, you gave me a 4 dollar tip. 30 dollars or more, you could give me a 5 dollar tip. I can live on this amount of money, and this is middle-lower class dollar amounts we’re talking here. It’s easily affordable if you’re spending the 20, 30 dollars on the meal as it is.

If you’re on a budget, okay, go ahead and tip me the bare minimum 2 dollars. I won’t be offended. Trust me, it’s more than half my customers give.

---

BOTTOM LINE: 2 dollar minimum, the rest is up to you.

You know, I can see your reasoning on how much you need to survive. But here’s the point- at a nice sit-down restaurant, where the waiter takes my order, gives me suggestions, bring me food & drinks, refills my drinks and so forth- I tip 20%. It seems silly to ask me to tip that same 20% to the guy who delivers a meal.

Mind you, yes, I always tip $2, (unless the order is large, but my order is mostly for $20). And usually it’s $2 plus the change.

OTOH, my home is within a mile or so of the places I call to.

[Zeriel]

@DrDeth

You know, I can see your reasoning on how much you need to survive. But here’s the point- at a nice sit-down restaurant, where the waiter takes my order, gives me suggestions, bring me food & drinks, refills my drinks and so forth- I tip 20%. It seems silly to ask me to tip that same 20% to the guy who delivers a meal.

Counterpoint, already addressed obliquely: the waiter in a restaurant doesn’t have to maintain an automobile and spend thousands of dollars yearly in gas, maintenance, and insurance expenses out of his own pocket to get your food to your table.

[billfish678]

Not to mention 15 to 30 minutes of his actual TIME.

I doubt I’ve ever had a waiter spend more time on me than a pizza delivery dude.

[Deser2]

@DrDeth

You know, I can see your reasoning on how much you need to survive. But here’s the point- at a nice sit-down restaurant, where the waiter takes my order, gives me suggestions, bring me food & drinks, refills my drinks and so forth- I tip 20%. It seems silly to ask me to tip that same 20% to the guy who delivers a meal.

Mind you, yes, I always tip $2, (unless the order is large, but my order is mostly for $20). And usually it’s $2 plus the change.

OTOH, my home is within a mile or so of the places I call to.

So why don’t you walk/drive your lazy ass there to get it? If you don’t feel that the delivery is a convenience worth at least as much as the waiter who as someone else mentioned, is spending much less time bringing you the food then get the food yourself.

Edit: I just want to make it clear that I am not, nor have I ever been, in the waiter/delivery business.

[choie]

Here in Manhattan my delivery places are all within a three or four block radius. The delivery folks use no car, usually a bicycle or possibly just old fashioned walking.

Doesn’t matter to me. Everyone gets a $4 minimum tip – that’s baseline. If I’m just ordering a Chinese dinner special and soda, and the order comes to $13, the guy is still getting that $4 tip. I figure he’s providing the same service whether my order is $13 or $20.

Orders for me alone are usually under $18 unless I’ve gone particularly upscale; orders for me and whoever else is dining w/me range from $20 - $29. All get the $4 tip. Once we’re in the $30+ range, I bump up to $5 - $6. Unless I’m ordering from some super chi-chi restaurant, an order costing $30+ probably means a meal for 3 or four people, so that means more food/drinks, and thus more weight and bags for the delivery person to handle. Snow or major rain? More money.

They always get a hello and thank you from me. The Chinese guys (they’re always guys from the two restaurants we use) get a slight head-nod/bow as well when they give me one.

They’re providing a service of physical labor and they do it fast. Why on earth wouldn’t I afford them the respect and gratitude they deserve? I genuinely can’t comprehend a $2 tip – and I’ve been through poor times myself. Of course, during those times I usually wasn’t ordering out all that much; my mental calculation of the cost of ordering out includes the $4 tip, and if I don’t have enough, I don’t order.

Finally, I admit my apartment isn’t always clean, but… y’know, I’m not inviting the guy inside; this isn’t a porno film. I usually open the door only slightly in those cases. And for pity’s sake when I open that door I’m always dressed in a minimum of pajamas or jeans/sweatshirt. Again: not a porno.

Anyway: not surprised that you’re good at ranting, pizzaguy, heh. Very well done. Just like I like my pizzas, in fact…

[Askthepizzaguy]

@DrDeth

You know, I can see your reasoning on how much you need to survive. But here’s the point- at a nice sit-down restaurant, where the waiter takes my order, gives me suggestions, bring me food & drinks, refills my drinks and so forth- I tip 20%. It seems silly to ask me to tip that same 20% to the guy who delivers a meal.

Mind you, yes, I always tip $2, (unless the order is large, but my order is mostly for $20). And usually it’s $2 plus the change.

OTOH, my home is within a mile or so of the places I call to.

The counter to this-

I don’t just drive. I also answer the phone, take down your order, suggest items on the menu, let you know about the specials, coupon the boxes while I’m folding them, bring you a cold non-fountain 2-liter soda that actually stays carbonated for more than 3 minutes, which you don’t need a refill for, for what the restaurant charges you for a single glass of soda, and of course, I do bring you the food all the way to your house, in whatever kind of weather there is, using my own car.

While a waiter will visit you more often at the table than I visit you at the house, I do as much work, incur more expenses and risk, and I am more convenient. However, I’m not suggesting that waiters don’t deserve 20 percent, or suggesting that I do. I am suggesting that 10 percent is not unreasonable for what I do, and as always, if it’s not worth it to tip me, then it must be so easy to get it yourself, that you probably should do just that. Generally speaking, not directed at you per se.

[Muffin]

Effort bears limited relation to remuneration when a person’s job is at the bottom of the shit pile.

What a person earns depends on supply and demand. For ATPG’s location, the demand is for delivery of pizza for minimal cost to people who are trash.

Pizza delivery drivers who are willing to meet this demand are a dime a dozen, and can not expect either the trash to change their disgusting ways, or the business to change its using the drivers as lowest cost fungibles. Comparing job conditions and earnings with other people in the service industry is an exercise in building sand castles.

Uber_the_Goober got it in one.

To me, it makes no sense to either be treated like shit by a business, or to move up in management in that a business and thereby be responsible for treating subordinates like shit, all in the name of greater profits for the business. Part of taking pride in one’s occupation includes standing up and saying “No. I will not be treated like this,” or “No. I will not treat others like this,” and then making career changes accordingly.

[Askthepizzaguy]

@FairyChatMom

So, reassure me that good tippers are remembered by address, please!!!

I’ve been delivering to my area for years. I can tell you just by the number of the address which side of the street it is on, what floor, and the orientation of the apartment in the building, and which building it is in. I see some addresses and remember that I delivered to you a few months back and you tipped great. I may not remember exactly when it was, but when I pull up to your house, I don’t get that “aw fuck” feeling like I do at the non-tippers house. And yes, if you’ve tipped me five bucks, I remember you. I’m going to be extra nice with you, and for a customer like you, and really, any customer who hasn’t crossed the line and treated me like poo repeatedly, I’m going to go above and beyond to try to rectify any issue you might have with our service. I am a manager, but if I were just a driver, I have a phone I can call one directly. I can get the price changed if it’s really late, or put a credit on your account. I am here to help you. I remember you just from the numbers on my paper slip, if you’re a really good tipper. I’ll be taking you your pizza first if I have two deliveries in my car. Whatever I can do to offer you better service, because out of all my customers, you people who tip me well pay me about 70% or more of what I earn per night. Truth be told, I’ll blow off the customer whose pizza is already late to get you yours early, if I know that other customer has always been a dick to me. I remember him by address, what his house looks like, and I even know him by name. He might not be aware of this, but I’m on a first name basis with him. I know him, and I will never forget how shitty he is.

The folks who fall in between, who are good customers but not outstanding, I don’t treat them poorly in any way. I assume today is the day they will tip me well for my time, and give them great service. The only thing they should know is if both runs are very close, and the other guy tips well, he’s still getting his first. He is why I can pay my bills even when others don’t tip me. That deserves being first in line.

[Askthepizzaguy]

@DrumBum

Somewhat related to this post is this story from Reader’s Digest that tells us the secrets they have uncovered about Pizza delivery guys.

My (lengthy) commentary based on this linked article, asked for or otherwise, and spoilered for easy scroll-past:

[spoiler]1) “My other line is ringing, so choose the toppings before you call”.

On the one hand, oh hell yeah. You guys know we have like 4 phones, and 12 of you are calling at once, right? You realize we need to complete the call in just a couple minutes or we’re going to lose the folks on the line who want to order, but can’t get through because our lines are busy. Then calls get routed to a regional call center and they do a thoroughly shitty job answering the phone because they’re contractors, not people who work for our store or even our chain alone.

On the other hand, I understand you want to order pizza, and would like my help suggesting things. I am completely okay with this, I have a number of suggestions for combinations of pizzas and sides and drinks and will inform you of things on the menu that you may not know are there. We sell potato wedge fries. Bet you didn’t know that. We sell apple pies. We sell fried mozzarella cheese sticks. We sell calzones. We sell pizza rolls. We have new specialty items every few months that you’ve never tried before. Go ahead and call me if you would like suggestions.

That being said, once the suggestions are made, you need to decide, or call back when you’ve decided. I *am *pretty effing busy. I’m more than happy to HELP you, but I can’t really afford to sit there and listen to you say “ummm” like you’re searching for cosmic enlightenment. It’s not going to happen during the length of this call, so hang up and call back!

2) "We know when kids are prank calling us."

Yeah. This falls under the “duh” category. They can’t stop laughing on the phone. I usually just hang up mid-call. It doesn’t work, kiddies. We also know when adults are prank calling us. Why? You people are fucking morons when it comes to this shit. This is what you geniuses do: you intentionally order big giant meals that make no sense, because wow, wouldn’t that be funny for us to have to make, deliver, and have someone go “I didn’t order that.” So freaking genius! Except nobody, even the folks who like the stuffed crust pizza, orders 10 of them, you fucking douche. And they don’t order all of them to be super supreme either! And they don’t order 128 wings. And they don’t order 5 double orders of cheese sticks. And 5 bottles of soda for 10 dollars. Doesn’t this shit SOUND stupid coming out of your mouth? You have no self-awareness whatsoever.

We, on the other hand, are not retarded like you. We take down the phone number, AND we call it back to confirm it, because you are a “New Customer”. We don’t have a record of you in our system, dumbass. And if you’re so fucking stupid as to use your actual phone number to call us, we trace it, and we press charges. That’s the real prank, and boy, do we laugh at you. You’re so clever! It’s kind of easy to find your address. The police don’t even have to leave the station to call your phone provider and get that info. And since you’re also dumb enough to prank your *local *store, they can get to your house in 10 minutes, moron. Yes, I will press charges, because you’re essentially stealing food and wasting my time. I want you to have a criminal record, so nobody ever hires you for a job again. What a hilarious prank that would be.

3) “Accidents happen”

Yeah, sometimes the box tilts to the side. But the rule is, if it leaves the box or the box lands on the ground or the food is no longer presentable, then it’s going to be remade and you’ll get a call letting you know it’s delayed 10 minutes. That’s how long it takes to make you a fresh one- and we donate the ugly or cancelled pizzas to a program that feeds the needy. I’m not worried about having to remake a pizza.

4) “Patience please”

It takes 10 minutes to cook in our oven, because we’re a quick service restaurant. I am sure some other places slow cook, but maybe I’m not sophisticated enough to tell the difference. It’s 450 degrees, and the pizza is fully cooked. This is very good and very safe to eat, and the belt moves at a constant speed so undercooked pizzas are not possible.

More about patience- what causes the delay is NOT the cooking time, and NOT the drive time. It takes 10 minutes to cook, and 10 minutes to drive to your house.

If I had unlimited drivers, I could deliver every order in 20 minutes.

I don’t.

I cannot afford to hire 27 drivers just for 3 hours worth of dinner time rush. I can only afford as many drivers as I can give at least 30 hours a week. Therefore, I have maybe 4 drivers some days, 6 drivers on busier days, 8 drivers on the busiest days. That’s as much as I can afford, and we’re paying them half minimum wage. Each driver should be able to take 3 deliveries an hour or more, at 20 minutes a run. 7 minutes to get there, 7 minutes to get back, 6 minutes at the door. Shouldn’t take six minutes but some of you can’t find your credit card, wallet, correct change, or the person who ordered the damned pizza in the first place. So, six minutes. I can’t wait longer than that, I have other customers waiting.

So, for every driver I have, I can do 3 deliveries per hour, comfortably. When 50 of you order at once, stuff goes out late. I’m sorry, it’s simple math. 4 drivers means 12 deliveries on time that hour. 6 drivers means 18 deliveries on time that hour. 8 drivers means 24 deliveries on time. If 50 of you order, half of you will get your pizza at the one hour mark.

That’s just the facts of life. I can’t teleport the pizza to you. There are dispatching tricks and routing methods I can use to increase efficiency by a few per hour, but that’s it. A driver cannot take 8 runs per hour, sir or madam. You have to wait, or get it yourself.

When we quote you 45 minutes or an hour or more, it’s because you picked the busiest time of the night to order. Should have ordered sooner, or later, or opted to do a pick-up order. Like I said, I cannot just throw 8 more drivers on the schedule, not unless you like 15 dollar pizzas.

5) Why won’t we deliver to some neighborhoods?

A) Gate code and spikes that ruin tires, and you don’t have the code, and won’t answer your goddamn phone, you stupid fuck. I’m not wasting my time delivering to you if I can’t get in the fucking gate! I could wait five minutes so the illusion of safety your gate represents disappears and I follow someone else into the apartment complex, but I don’t have five minutes to spare, jackass. Tell your apartment complex to keep the gate open, or give me the gate code over the phone. Those are your options. I’m not meeting you at the gate. You know why? You take too long, and other customers are waiting for their food. The rule is: Givea me the code, or I no givea you the pizza.

B) This apartment complex has robbed us several times. Your neighbors are fucking criminals. Sorry, I’m not getting robbed at gunpoint again. Once is enough. I’m terribly sorry this affects you. We have carry out specials just for you, severely discounted because we know this is a pain in your ass and you’re not at fault. We want your business, we just don’t want to be shot in the head, okay? It’s not worth it for a pizza. Please understand that.

C) It’s too far away. I can’t afford to have a driver gone for 45 minutes on a run. The business model doesn’t allow for that. I can’t pay him 4 bucks to take one run per hour. That doesn’t fly. I have other customers closer that need servicing, and I can service three of them for one of you. If there’s no closer one, come pick it up. We’ll make it worth your while with carry out specials.

D) I won’t deliver to your house specifically- You have prank called us before, and wasted 50 bucks worth of food. You have abused our generous credit or refund system, by saying your free remake pizza was wrong, and you keep insisting on more free pizzas, and the MANAGER made your pizza, so we’ve blacklisted you. You were verbally abusive toward one of our drivers. You put your hands on one of our drivers. You intimidated one of our drivers. You fucking pissed off the manager by being a complete jackass to the guy whose JOB it is to give you free shit so you’ll be happy and not complain to corporate on us. Or, you live at a house formerly occupied by such a person. It sucks to be you. You may order carry-out from us. Do this nicely enough times and maybe, just maybe, that nice manager man will un-blacklist you. But it will take a while, sorry. Trust is earned once broken, that’s the way of the world.

6. “I’m a human being”.

I think it would be nice for you to invite me inside during inclement weather. However, please be advised- I might not feel safe doing so in your neighborhood. Please don’t take offense to that. You might be very nice but I have no way of knowing that, and like I mentioned earlier in this thread, driver just got robbed in this neighborhood this week. I’m not being victim number two.

I also do not serve you the pizza. I hand you the packages, at the door. That is my function. I am not a butler, and I will not move more than 3 feet from the front door. There’s no need. Serve yourself your own food. I have other deliveries to take. You’re an adult, you can feed yourself.

7. “Use your manners”.

Answering the door while on the phone? This is another way people get away with not talking to me while I am there. It’s beyond rude. Go fuck yourself with broken glass if you do this kind of crap on a regular basis. You can tell the person on the phone “can you hold on one second, the pizza guy is here”. It takes all of 10 seconds to ask for the total and thank me. I deserve that much.

If you absolute must continue your conversation, please tip me so I know my work was appreciated, and say thank you really briefly. That’s fine. A little rude, but I’ll live.

8 “Wear clothes”

Duh.

9. Tips should be X amount.

Already covered, not sure I fully agree. Use your judgment. 2 buck minimum please.

10. Gate-community stereotype.

This section is nonsense. Rich poor and middle class can all be stingy.

11. I remember every customer who doesn’t tip.

You do it more than once, then yes. I remember when I pull up to the house- this guy stiffed me last time. You do it every week, and I will openly despise you to your face and not speak to you at all when I am at the door.*If the delivery guy won’t say hello to you or reply when you thank him, that means you’ve never tipped him properly and you’ve screwed him out of being able to earn money on his runs several times. You’re wasting his time, there are customers who will pay him for his time and you’re not one of them. He hates your fucking guts. *
I won’t give people the silent treatment the first or second time, but three strikes, and I’m done even speaking to you. Your disingenuous “thank you” is not welcome. I can’t pay my rent with a thank you. It’s disrespectful to thank someone for doing a good job while basically telling them their work is worth precisely nothing to them. It’s a contradiction. You would be better served by not thanking me, that would be more honest. I know I’ve said thanking me for my time is a big deal, but not when you count it out to the exact penny. That means you’re deliberately making sure I take home nothing after waiting on you. “Thank” yourself with a rusty chainsaw.

If you say “preciate it” at that point, I will feel free to tell you that “I don’t”, meaning I don’t appreciate your business or your disingenuous thanks.

12. I can’t wait forever

This is obvious. As mentioned, I have to take 3+ deliveries this hour, or stuff is going to be late. Stuff might already be late. I can wait precisely five minutes once you’ve answered the door. I will wait precisely 2 minutes if you don’t answer the door.

Also, for your information: If you order pizza, and then leave to go to the store, I will ask my boss to blacklist you on the first offense. You’re a fucking idiot! The estimated time is not guaranteed, I might be at your house in 20 minutes because I’m doing a great job. Order pizza and then leave your house, and you’re a gold-star moron. I don’t ever want to have to visit your address again! Didn’t you think this could possibly be the outcome? I arrive and you’re not there? I can’t begin to describe how incredibly retarded you are. You should be expecting me like I’m the goddamned cable guy. You don’t leave. You don’t order food for when you think you’re going to be home. You be home, then order.

And if you don’t have your credit card on you, your boyfriend took it to the store, you can’t get the pizza. Not just store policy, company policy. I’ve got to see it. Or your ID and the card, depending on the chain. Remember your credit card. Have it ready when I arrive, or you’ve wasted your time and gotten a charge on your card that takes 5 business days to remove, and it’s not my fault. It’s yours. Don’t you dare get pissed at me for this. I will walk away while you’re yelling at me, because I will not be yelled at for your stupidity.

13. Some people want more than pizza

That’s “cute”, but don’t ask me to move furniture. I am busy and there are customers waiting. I am also not obligated to stop at the store and buy you cigs. You know why? I gotta buy it with the store’s cash or my tips, and guess what. I’m not going to lose money on either one of those for cigarettes I don’t even smoke, not for you, not for the glorious tip you promised that ended up being a dollar.

If I know you personally like we’re pals, and you’ve always tipped me well, we’ll talk. Otherwise, talk to the finger because that’s all you’ll get from me.

Anyhoo, some of these others aren’t very interesting. Skip skip skip.

16. I’m just a kid.

Not anymore we’re not. The economy changed things. Kids aren’t working, and adults are now working these jobs. Most of my drivers are married with children. Treat them like adults, please. This is a dangerous job and we get guns pointed at us. This is not a kid’s job, sweetheart. You might think so but that’s because you live in stupidland.

Get a better job isn’t always an option. They can’t afford to move, and this is all there is in my area. Stop with your trite advice that makes you feel better but helps no one. If they could leave, they would.

17. No checks.

No checks. Talk to the restaurant general manager for exceptions, it is his store and his money to gamble with. I’m a manager and I can’t make exceptions. Talk to my boss. My answer is no. I don’t care who you are, the answer is no.

20. We use our own car.

Never saw a place where they provided one. That’s why you should tip.

21. I’m actually a nice person.

This thread should tell you all you need to know. I’m grateful for every customer except the total dunces who disrespect me. I love, love, love my good customers and I treat my fair customers very well. I am more than happy to help you, and I can explain anything you might need to know. I love doing so, particularly here where I can use salty language and keep it from being completely boring. I obviously won’t be this coarse with you at the door, in uniform, while representing the company. I am representing myself here.

And if you’re a total douche to me, I’ll do nothing, and say nothing (unless you’re being verbally abusive to the point of crossing the line, then watch the fuck out) You’re not worth it. I’ll wait until I get back in my car to flip you off and cuss you out, because your kids might be present, and I don’t want to dress you down in front of them no matter how much of a flaming jackass you just were. The reason I don’t retaliate unless you’ve committed a crime (and I will press charges if you do) is because I can lose my job and therefore be unable to serve my nice customers. You’re not worth it. They are.

23) If you live across the street, don’t order.

Incorrect. Please go ahead and order. I get the same gas money either way.

Caveat- you still need to tip me. My other customers tip me, and when I’m delivering to you, I’m not delivering to them. Don’t cost me money due to lost opportunities. I don’t care if I’m not losing money, I’m not earning it either. If you don’t want to pay me, because it’s so close, I completely understand. Go get it yourself then, smartass. I didn’t hire me, YOU DID.

26) I don’t have the authority to give you a discount

True, most drivers don’t. They’re not the manager, so call the manager. The driver might be happy to connect you, but he’s actually gotta go, and any issue with lateness or incorrectness of the order wasn’t actually the driver’s fault. He doesn’t make the order, and remember, it takes less than ten minutes to get to your house. It was late when I left the store to bring it to you, because we had too many deliveries and not enough drivers. Lateness is almost NEVER the driver’s fault!

Call the store, talk to the manager. Lateness is because of understaffing or mismanagement, or a simple mistake. That falls under the manager’s responsibility, so he or she can handle it.

Forcing the driver to wait while you call the store doesn’t help. The manager can give out remakes and credits, the driver just needs to go to his next delivery. The exception being if your order is significantly late (not ten minutes, folks) and you won’t accept it without a discount. Then I’ll wait for you to talk to the manager. Or, being a manager myself, we’ll talk. But the other drivers will have to wait in that circumstance. Otherwise, please let them go do their job.[/spoiler]
PS- snide comments not directed at you personally, but my beloved “general public”.

[Askthepizzaguy]

@Muffin

To me, it makes no sense to either be treated like shit by a business, or to move up in management in that a business and thereby be responsible for treating subordinates like shit, all in the name of greater profits for the business. Part of taking pride in one’s occupation includes standing up and saying “No. I will not be treated like this,” or “No. I will not treat others like this,” and then making career changes accordingly.

That’s a nice sentiment that has little bearing on the real world. This is another “just quit and move away” piece of advice, and it has further erroneous assumptions. I don’t intend to stay here forever, nor is my goal solely to make a profit, nor would I ever be responsible for treating subordinates like shit. I can take pride in my occupation without quitting.

I’m sure your advice comes from a good place, but it doesn’t make it any less unhelpful or meaningless to most people. It’s sound-good, feel-good, do-nothing advice. Not everyone can quit and move. Sorry.

[Thylacine]

@DrumBum

Somewhat related to this post is this story from Reader’s Digest that tells us the secrets they have uncovered about Pizza delivery guys.

I have no problem with most of that but

23. If you live across the street, please don’t call for a delivery.

Get off your rear end and pick up the pizza yourself.

is ridiculous, if I am prepared to pay a delivery fee (and tip if in the US) wouldn’t an address across the road be a preferred destination as much easier money for a delivery person than 10 miles uphill both ways in the snow?

What say ye Askthepizzaguy?

[Askthepizzaguy]

@billfish678

Not to mention 15 to 30 minutes of his actual TIME.

I doubt I’ve ever had a waiter spend more time on me than a pizza delivery dude.

A waiter can serve an entire section of customers in an hour. I can serve three customers in an hour. The waiter may be able to serve only one large party, but in those circumstances he’s getting a mandatory minumum gratuity. I have no such thing.

Now, in the waiter’s defense, he is performing a different kind of service, and does return to serve you in various ways several times. My service mostly involves the driving and carrying part, and I rarely make a return trip. Apples and oranges, but it’s within the realm of fairness to compare them as long as you remember they are two different kinds of services. For example, when determining how much to tip, even I will admit you tip the waiter a higher percentage than me. I just require a minimum because it’s costing me actual money to serve you, whether you think I deserve a nice tip or not, I need my basic costs covered.

[Askthepizzaguy]

@choie

Here in Manhattan my delivery places are all within a three or four block radius. The delivery folks use no car, usually a bicycle or possibly just old fashioned walking.

Doesn’t matter to me. Everyone gets a $4 minimum tip – that’s baseline. If I’m just ordering a Chinese dinner special and soda, and the order comes to $13, the guy is still getting that $4 tip. I figure he’s providing the same service whether my order is $13 or $20.

The business model is quite different in an urban area, indeed. Crime rates might be higher, and there might be a lot more in the way of lengthy elevator rides, or loads of staircases. As such, the tip is less a function of distance and more a function of risk and flight-climbing.

Anyway: not surprised that you’re good at ranting, pizzaguy, heh.

I am a big fan of Lewis Black. I’m a big fan of unhinged lunatic outrage that, at its core, is actually quite sane and logical, and delivered for the sake of being humorous or informative, rather than just being angry for the sake of it.

People keep saying I should write a book- well, I’m more of an essay man, or a rant kind of guy. Maybe I can do a collection of essays and rants. My brain is nowhere near organized enough or one-track enough to pay attention long enough to write a whole book. I can certainly write the volume required but it gets tedious if I’m not switching topics constantly. The problem is I can write too much about one thing, and then it’s like, move along already…

[Askthepizzaguy]

@Thylacine

I have no problem with most of that but
is ridiculous, if I am prepared to pay a delivery fee (and tip if in the US) wouldn’t an address across the road be a preferred destination as much easier money for a delivery person than 10 miles uphill both ways in the snow?

What say ye Askthepizzaguy?

Already addressed in this post but I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read all that. Threads are better for the short response style of writing and I veer into long response sometimes.

Incorrect. Please go ahead and order. I get the same gas money either way.

Caveat- you still need to tip me. My other customers tip me, and when I’m delivering to you, I’m not delivering to them. Don’t cost me money due to lost opportunities. I don’t care if I’m not losing money, I’m not earning it either. If you don’t want to pay me, because it’s so close, I completely understand. Go get it yourself then, smartass. I didn’t hire me, YOU DID.

[Askthepizzaguy]

@Deser2

On the flip side, I have no problem tipping zero for shitty service - both at a sit-down restaurant or delivery. You take an hour to deliver from 3 blocks away you can kiss my ass. Even better is tipping something like 50 cents - I think thats even more effective than tipping nothing.

I can understand where this comes from, and while I disagree with your response, I’m not going to fight this particular battle.

A customer believes (rightly so) it is his right to not tip if the delivery time is long. That is your right.

However, the delivery time is a function of how much business we currently have, not a measure of how well or poorly the driver is performing. The driver does not take an hour to move a pizza 3 blocks away.

I know folks unfamiliar with the business think that the driver is somehow wasting time, and the pizza is cold because it sat in his car for 45 minutes. Under no circumstances does this ever happen.

The driver is timed, while he is not obligated to get the pizza there in under 30 minutes, the manager knows how long he is gone (30 minute guarantee causes accidents, no major chain offers 30 minute guarantees, that’s total horseshit, and it was horseshit when the big chains did offer it). If we do any serious level of business, there will be spikes in sales so large that it is impossible to service all customers in 30 minutes. It’s a fact of life.

If a driver takes 30 minutes to do one run, I immediately pull him off the road and ask him what happened. No single run takes that long. I need to fire him if it keeps happening and there is no excuse. A slow driver is making no money for himself, and he’s wasting space on my schedule. I know I’ve said 3 deliveries per hour, but that’s if they’re all going in 3 different directions. If I have 2 going in the same direction, they can leave together. You CAN have an average of 5 deliveries in an hour if you’re good (in my area, depends on the area, some areas are better or worse) but 2 would be unacceptable anywhere if the store is busy.

If a driver is caught going through the drive-thru, he’s canned. If he doesn’t fill up the tank BEFORE his shift, he gets documented. Managers enforce the fact that the drivers, while not expected to speed (we give them 10 minutes to get somewhere that takes 5 minutes to get to!) are expected to work with a sense of urgency. If they aren’t hustling, they’re being coached, documented, or fired.

Therefore, any delay in your meal is not the fault of the driver. 99 times out of 100. Sometimes a new driver will get lost. That’s the exception, because he’s new. All the other times, it’s because 50 people are ordering this hour, and you happened to be number 49, and we have to serve our customers in the order they placed their deliveries.

If you’re 3 blocks away, but we are serving 30 customers before you, you still have to wait. The delivery time is in NO WAY a function of DISTANCE, and hardly ever, ever a function of the driver being lazy or incompetent. It’s always because we are backed up, like a line in front of the roller coaster at Disney World. You have to wait your turn. The line isn’t five miles long, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a wait time.

Follow?

I realize you’re not obligated to tip, and if you think we did a bad job, fair enough- but a 60 minute delivery time from 3 blocks away is never, ever the fault of the driver. If you choose not to tip him, you won’t be teaching him any sort of lesson- he’ll just think you’re a dick.

If you want money off for it being late, call the manager. That’s where you get your discount from. That’s who you need to talk to to voice dissatisfaction with your service.

*Stiffing the driver doesn’t even clearly communicate the message that you are dissatisfied! *I have hundreds of other customers who don’t tip for no reason at all! How do I know you’re not tipping me for lateness? 9 times out of 10, I’m not being tipped because the person NEVER tips anyone!

You can communicate the message very clearly- “Hey, I ordered an hour ago, what gives?”

“Very busy tonight sir, and I apologize.”

Now if the folks on the phone quoted you 30 minutes, and now it’s an hour, hey, let’s get that manager on the phone, so you can get 5 bucks off your meal.

Hey, give the driver a dollar out of that. Now his tip comes from the store, instead of your own pocket. AND you’re punishing the party responsible for the lateness- the store’s management. AND you’re getting a better discount than no tip. AND the driver will know why you’re upset- lateness. AND the driver will know that you were upset in the first place. AND the driver will know that it is possible for him to earn a good tip from you- if we were more prompt. There are better ways.

That all being said, that involves knowing our business. If you don’t know what the real deal is behind late pizzas, I get that you’re not going to tip me when it’s 30 minutes late. I also never hold it against a customer who doesn’t tip when it’s late. That’s what happens so I am used to it, even if it is completely unfair to me. You don’t know that, so you’re not the asshole under those circumstances.

Withholding a tip doesn’t effectively communicate any message at all, I’m sorry to say. Too many of my customers don’t tip anything, all the time, so your act of protest doesn’t even register on my screen, especially if I’ve never delivered to you and gotten a decent tip. I’ll just assume this is how you ordinarily behave. It’s a bad way of communicating.

Talking to the manager gets better results. And discounts. That’s the best way.

[Thylacine]

Your response wasn’t there when I started mine

Love the thread, I am devouring every word like it is smothered in anchovies

[Askthepizzaguy]

To take off my manager hat and put on my driver hat- one of the reasons I got promoted was because I had that sense of urgency (you need that inside the store, to handle the mass of customer calls, callbacks, cutting pizzas, making pizzas, and ensuring all these timed orders go out as soon as humanly possible) and I did everything legal and within my power to get my customers their pizza fast.

I brag to my fellow drivers what my delivery time average is. The store tracks all this data in the computer, and even DISPLAYS IT on a big fat screen, above the phones, so every driver knows how well they’re doing, and the manager can see who is not performing. The manager can pull drive times from every driver. Every week, we chat with our slowest drivers and coach them on performing better without speeding. (Checking orders for drinks before getting in your car, simple shit like that) Speeding tickets will get you fired.

In busy times, my record was in fact 7 deliveries in a single hour. That was possible because I had three runs going to the same apartment building. Building, not complex. Then I had two doubles, and I’m just freakishly fast, like Ed from the Jimmy John’s commercials.

That is less than 10 minutes per delivery, ladies and gentlemen. That’s really tough to crack. You’d need to constantly have triples to the same apartment building to beat such a record.

So speaking with authority on driver speediness, let me walk you through a Friday where we are understaffed.

I am taking 5 runs an hour easily, and outperforming other drivers, who are hitting their 3 or 4 delivery an hour expectation. However, there are 50 orders on the screen at 8PM.

I take my double, and I’m back in 25 minutes. The first pizza hits the first house at the 5 minute mark, and the second pizza hits the second house at the 15 minute mark. Nobody’s food is late, and I’m back before the 30 minute mark. I take another run, and everything is still on time.

But now the folks that ordered at 8:15 have been waiting 30 minutes.

I get back to the store, and I leave the building at the 30 minute mark. We’re quoting 45 minute times now, so it’s not technically late, but it’s not fast either. I get it there at the 40 minute mark. I am doing a hell of a job and I’m still EARLY.

However, I get back to the store and it is 9PM. There are other folks who ordered at 8:15 who haven’t been served yet. Their order is on 45 minutes.

There is no way I can get their food there in 45 minutes. Time is already up. None of it is my fault. I’m working my ass off. When we quote 45 minutes, it’s an estimate, and it can easily be off by 15 minutes.

And because we’re so busy, I’m taking two runs. And it’s kind of a messy double. The first pizza gets there 10 minutes late. The second pizza gets there 18 minutes late. Keep in mind, my actual drive times are phenomenal. I am in no way a slow driver.

But the lateness, still happens. It’s all due to the fact that between 8PM and 8:20 PM, 30 people ordered food for dinner.

The people who ordered last got served last. It took 45 minutes to an hour.

That’s why your pizza is late. And I’m burning rubber to get it to you that fast. It’s not the driver. It’s “dinner rush”. Happens every single day.

[Lynn_Bodoni]

If a driver is caught going through the drive-thru, he’s canned.

I don’t understand this phrase in this context, unless your pizza parlor has a drive through window, which I’ve never seen in a pizza parlor. Please explain?

[fubbleskag]

my local pizza hut has a drive-thru pickup window

[Ludovic]

@Lynn_Bodoni

I don’t understand this phrase in this context, unless your pizza parlor has a drive through window, which I’ve never seen in a pizza parlor. Please explain?

I’d guess it means wasting time while supposedly on a delivery by instead getting some food at a Taco Bell drivethru or somesuch.