I really hate feeling like crap.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m starting this thread with the hope that, since I plan to add stuff to it, that means it won’t happen. It’s magical thinking, but I don’t care right now.

I hate feeling bad for no reason. There’s nothing scary, nothing sad going on, but I feel both spooked and sad. I can’t explain the feeling very well, but it sucks so bad.

I can’t go to a psychiatrist, because I can’t get out of the house. I can’t take any medicines that don’t make me feel worse, or don’t reinstate my addiction to benzodiazepines.

Why, oh why did the doctor ever give me them when I was having trouble sleeping? Why didn’t he just give me Seroquel, which I wanted, and worked well in the past. Why didn’t he warn me how addictive this crap is? why the hell did he give me permission to mess with my own medicines? Why didn’t he pull me off of it in two weeks like he should have.

I’d mention the religious problems, but that would get the anti-relgiious trolls started up again.

And, to top it all off, I can’t even count on the Dope itself not to change on me. When I finally thought I had this place figured out, that no one here liked change, something happens almost literally overnight with the quote button. Fuck.

There’s another thing. Before I was going through this, did you realize I thought it was immoral to curse like that? Now I can’t help myself. It’s making it easy to even rub off in real life, where it really bothers my parents (who I’m stuck living with in my housebound state) .

Yeah, I’m probably a little touchy lately. But I’m getting tired of this cycle. Things were getting better. But now that I’m starting to think about being suck alon all the time once school starts (unless I do the thing where I only sleep while people are gone.)

Yeah, yeah, none of you will feel sorry for me. Because I can’t describe in words how torturous this is. But screw it, I had to get it out. It’s been eating at me too much.

I don’t understand why benzodiazepines are legal if they cause this crap. I know it’s not universal, but neither are most other problems that get drugs pulled off the market. More people have suffered through benzo withdrawal than the measly 300 that usually gets medicines pulled.

I can’t even go to the doctor when I’m sick, since you have to wait so long.

I want to believe this is almost over, but I keep getting worried it’s not.

And the thing is, it’s not that bad right now (it’s been bad enough that I’ve been suicidal), but the dread feeling makes it too easy to worry, which cna lead to it happening again.

I’ve got to stop feeling hopeless. I can apply everything I’ve ever been taught in my 15 years or so of psychological therapy. But man does it SUCK.

2

You need to get out of the house.

Badly.

Start with a short walk.

Try picking up the phone, & talking with someone. Anyone.

Will someone drive you? Can a community service help with this?

3

I really do feel for you. You have all my sympathy. Remember that you are a good person (you’ve proved that time after time here on the Dope). I can’t offer any ready solutions, but I do have some idea of what you are going through, and I wish you all the best.

4

Which benzo were you on, and how much of it, and for how long? I’m asking because I’m on one and one day would like to taper off (because they aren’t meant to be used forever…though I’m heading towards that with being on it for more than a year.)

I’m sorry that everything is so horrible right now, and I don’t have any advice for you other than to try to think of a distracting hobby to do (no TV watching, though. That makes things worse, IMHO). When my brain gets too noisy, I absorb myself in the visual arts (flower pot decorating) while listening to really really good music. I can say confidently that this is about the only thing that I get true pleasure out of when I feel as bas as you sound.

5

The difference between feeling good and bad is very narrow. You don’t sound like you have a major physical problem so that is a major high right there. You just feel bad. I can’t even get into the psychological reasons that might be except to say everybody feels that way occasionally.

My best suggestion is to get some exercise some way some how. If you can’t get out of the house do some workouts at home. Find something on the Internet to workout to or make up your own program. Use some soup cans or water bottles for weights. Do push-ups, sit-ups and jumping jacks. Come up with a program that you can repeat each day or more than once a day. Eat nutritious food that excludes sugar and preservatives. When a food label has tons of ingredients, they may not be healthy. They could set off reactions that have never been studied. The FDA establishes GRAS(generally regarded as safe) standards for food additives, but they simply cannot test all the possible combinations that occur. One theory is that these combinations can set off hormonal changes and so forth that affect health negatively.

Longer term, perhaps you could find an exercise bike or something for home use that would allow regular exercise.

Good luck.

6

Wow, this thing actually posted. The board froze when I did it, so I thought it was a sign I shouldn’t share it. Sad when I’m indulding in that much magical thinking, but it makes me feel better.

monstro: the big problem is that I went off too quickly. If you can do it slowly enough, you can get off of it better. Some guy at the Giraffe boards is doing rather well, even if it took him 7+ years.

And it is physical, people. It’s withdrawal, literally. If you think the line is thin, then you haven’t been through what I’m going through. I never thought you could, for example, have anxiety that is worse than a panic attack.

I only became housebound half way through. Before the migraines, I was handling it fine.

Oh, and when I refer to myself as housebound, I mean I can’t leave the physical building. Every time I try to face my fear, I get another migraine. I can occasionally go out when I absolutely have to (like to the doctor), but I never know when that is. I’m definitely too scared to go for a walk.

I really need someone who can get to me. And who won’t pressure me into doing more than I can handle. And I can’t handle that much. I’m hoping to try a certain clinic in town, since my hour away doc said he couldn’t make house calls (after lying and saying he could, but that’s another story.)

7

Second Al Bundy. There is absolutely no substitute for exercise as a way to feel great with zero negative side effects.

8

After more posts from the original, I should add that the exercise needs to be structured. In other words, it should be every day. It should be a specific program like the bike or a written down list of calisthenics. He can start at any level this way and needs no equipment to get going if the choice is calisthenics. Maybe he does something for 5-10" or goes down a list of exercises with so many repeats. All that is needed is a jail cell worth of open space. Many POWs have kept their heads straight by doing just this. If there is some limitation on regular exercise, then yoga may be an alternative because it employs variation and timed poses.

9

Pilates would be another good thing to try - you need no equipment at all, and it really gives you a workout.