I am such a mess

The BBQ Pit
1

This just gets on my nerves so much… the hole withdrawal thing is terrible and then my dad and I would love to break his fucking neck. And I hate that too cause he is a good dad - and I shouldnt want to break his neck.
Besides I d like to break a lot of necks and I am not sure if it is right to blame the withdrawal for all of this.

So I went to bed (it is 8 PM now) to read a bit and if possible not make a single move because the withdrawal includes me feeling sick whenever I make a single move.
I started “Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe” and after an hour or so I stopped and got up to go online agian. But my dad had used the modem and when he put it back on my computer (both of us have laptops) some plug must have went out of place so it didnt work when I tried to dial in.
So I get furious (and I blame that on the withdrawal too LOL) and go upstairs to ask him why the fuck he always puts the damn plug out when he uses the modem but not back in.
So he goes down stairs and is damn furious because I was screaming at him - and I hate it when he gets furious, cause he will always get so near you that you can hardly stand it and scream at you from 1 inch distance and I just want to break his neck for that. And he also speaks very slowly then just as if I am some kind of retard. And now I am crying cause I already had an attack in the morning and now I just did something I havent done in ages again and I hate the idea that I ll have to put my dose up to 20mg to stop me from going crazy…
and this is all so shitty and I just want to scream and cry and break everybody’s neck…
excuse the randomness… I have to put something on my arm or my mom will ask questions tomorrow…

a very “disturbed”
dodgy

2

PS: I could use a smiley or two

3

Smileys for Dodgy: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :smiley: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :j :cool:

4

oops… messed one up… ;j

5

Here’s hopin you get to see the blowjob smilie soon! :o

6

lol blowjob smiley?
hehe

Thanx… I am much better now :slight_smile:

7

Am I missing something here? What withdrawal?

8

I’m lost, too.

Dodgy, are you trying to quit something at home, on your own, without a friend there to keep an eye on you, and without telling your parents what you are going through? This adds several levels of shittiness to the whole process and makes it more difficult.

What are you quitting? How long were you taking it? When did you stop? My email is dropzone@about.com if you want to talk.

9

::hands dodgy carton of smilies::
:slight_smile:
there you go! They like it when you tickle them behind the ears… :smiley:

10

Maybe I’m the only one who A. noticed this and B. felt compelled to comment . . .

Honey, please talk to someone . . . email, AIM and Yahoo! SNs are in my profile.


:D:D:D:D:D      :D:D:D:D:D
:D:p:p:p:p:D    :D:p:p:p:p:D
:D:p:p:p:p:p:D  :D:p:p:p:p:p:D
:D:p:p:p:p:D    :D:p:p:p:p:p:D
:D:D:D:D:D      :D:p:p:p:p:p:D
:D:p:p:p:p:D    :D:p:p:p:p:p:D
:D:p:p:p:p:p:D  :D:p:p:p:p:p:D
:D:p:p:p:p:D    :D:p:p:p:p:D
:D:D:D:D:D      :D:D:D:D:D
11

Oh, I noticed. There are just so many things one needs to cover up on one’s arm: cuttings and needle marks.

Dammit, seven thousand miles seems so far right now.

12

I don’t know what’s wrong, and nothing I can say will make any of it go away, but hang in there, and if you need any help, there are lot’s of people who are here for you.

:slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

13

Um, a link on her site takes you to her mother’s web page, with email addresses for mom and the Stefanie who did the page–same first name. Should someone contact her? Her mother? I’m meddlesome enough to do it, but would rather somebody who wouldn’t come across as some middle-aged stalker did it.

14

uhm… before somebody emails my mom:

I am going off of Paxil aka Seroxat anti depressant and it is “monitored” by my shrink -

I put aloevera on my arm and the cuts are doing fine though I ll tell many “cat claw” stories in p.e. today–

dodgy

15

okay… more explanation here and a big fat thanx for all the smilies :smiley:
I ve been on quite a lot psycho meds in the last year - but lately it has only been paxil which is pretty hard to stop because you get phsycially addicted to it.

So now that my therapy is finished and I am thought to be reasonably sane -hehe- me and the psycho lady decided to reduce the dose. (I was on 40 mg and take 10 mg less all three weeks)
The first week on a lower dose is pretty shitty - as I get pretty tough withdrawal such as…
~ twitching all the time
~ hot and cold fleshes
~ sickness
~ drowsiness
~ feel like being drunk
~ headaches
~ irritability

But hey! it could be worse - lots of people get psychological withdrawal as well and end up in hospital if they go of their meds too fast.

As for the cutting - havent been cutting in over half a year and I hope I dont fall back into my old habit of slicing myself up :rolleyes: just because I abused that little letter knife once :frowning:

dodgy

16

Is it OK if I hug you?

((BornDodgy))

I came off Seroxat a few years ago. The first time I tried, it was the wrong time. I had to go back on. I felt very detached, and I’d get irrational violent impulses. The day I nearly started a fight with a random person on the street on the way to my boyfriend’s house because they might have been looking at me was the day I decided to go back on Seroxat.

Later on, it was the right time to come off. I needed a bit more talk therapy to get me to a point where I was secure enough in myself to come off.

Even later, it was the right time to stop the therapy sessions.
So, what I’m saying is this: If it’s the case that you can’t come off right now, don’t worry. Don’t feel like a failure, or a lesser person who needs chemical help (I felt like that for a while, and it can’t have been helpful). You won’t have to stay on the pills for ever, but there’ll come a time that’s the right time to stop.

By the way, the way you describe you and your dad fighting sounds exactly like the way me and my Dad used to fight. Eerily so, in fact. The most valuable thing I found out in therapy is that he was yelling because he was terrified of being a bad father who’d raised a bad/imperfect daughter. Unfortunately, scared parents look exactly identical to angry parents. (I’m going to hold onto that thought really tight, because one day I might be a mother (a long way away)) And to think, all that time I thought they were angry with me for having bad emotions. “Only good and worthwhile emotions allowed in this house,” or so I thought.

I never cut but I used to pinch my wrists and hit myself in the face (quite hard actually). I didn’t mention it in the other threads about cutting, but because what you described was so similar to what I used to feel, I sort of felt the need to let it slip out. I did have a relapse fairly recently, after my team leader at work told me that I was responsible for the boss having a poor opinion of the whole team, which made me feel worthless and bad. Today is the day when I’m going to tell him that his actions were counterproductive in terms of team morale (without, of course, letting on that I am a loony)
Does any of that help? or at least ring some sort of bell?

you can email me if you like.

17

I used to have all sorts of problems, now I only have one problem… DRUGS.

18

I just wanted to say that in the main I’ve been mentally very well for the last 3 years. Relapses happen, nasty thoughts happen, but they aren’t the end of the world. They’re pretty rare, and I always pick myself up afterwards. So, one relapse doesn’t mean going back to where you were before.

positive thoughts for Dodgy.

(PS: I brought my stuff into the thread because I thought it might be relevant, and there’s a kind of happy ending/happy progress if you wanted to use it as an analogy. There’s no intention to burden you with it)

19

Whew! That’s a relief! Sorry for the over-reaction, but I have friends who have been through the OTHER withdrawal and certain words trigger a specific procedure. First, make sure the person isn’t going through this alone.

The possibility that you were going off an anti-depressant also crossed my mind (the 20mg was a clue), but many people try doing that unmonitored with tragic results. Even the more innocuous ones, like Prozac.

So, basically, you are doing the right thing the right way. Very happy to hear that. Tell your mom I like her paintings. And keep us posted on your progress.

20

Um, dumbass question?

Why are you going off the medication? If you’re having this severe of a reaction, and are cutting yourself…personally, I’d stay on it. But that’s me. (FTR, I take Paxil. I’ve quit twice cold turkey on my own, because I was a moron, and never had withdrawal. I’ve now accepted that I’ll be taking it for the rest of my natural life.)