I saw a drunk old man masturbate at Friday's!

So there I was, sitting in a Friday’s after a long night of a Tech rehearsal at my school (Charlotte’s Web, if you must know), enjoying myself and my $2.79 basket of fries (enslaved fries, no less), when I notice a guy standing up against the railing behind my buddy, who was sitting across from me. He was standing really funny, leaning out pretty far with his pelvis pressed up against the rail. I thought he was just drunk and looking for someone.

Twenty minutes later, I noticed that he was still there, with his pelvis still pressed up against the railing. I noticed that he was slowing shifting up and down in a rather… ah… awkward fashion. It took me a while to realize what he was doing. He was rubbing his penis, through his pants, up against the pole.

“Nah,” I thought, “that’s ridiculous.”

Of course, I didn’t want to stare. I only glanced up every now and then to watch the spectacle. I noticed that he had an erection - not terribly pronounced, mind you, but every now and then the cloth of his crotch would be pulled taut and the outline of Happy Captain Winkie would be made apparent. At one point, I saw him reach into his pants, apparently trying to be inconspicuous about it and failing miserably. I feared that he would whip it out right then and there… but I guess he was just shifting what leg it was going down or something.

Anyway, he kept this up for a while. He kept rubbing, me and my friends were trying REALLY hard not to bust out laughing (hey, we’re theatre people, we don’t frighten easily). Finally, at one point, his rubbing just kinda stopped. He stood perfectly still for a second… and then he poured some water from his cup (his drink had long since been partaken of, but the melted ice remained), poured it on the railing and smeared it around, as if washing something off, and then walked away.

The clincher, however, was seeing a guy grab ahold of the bar, a minute later, to lean on it… only to pull his hand away a second later, stare at the fluid on his fingers in confusion, and then wipe his hand on his pants. People kept touching or leaning against this railing for the rest of the night.

The moral of the story? Don’t touch railings. You never know when a drunk old man might’ve jizzed all over it.


You’re fainting, appletreats? Just be glad this is Spoofe’s one masturbation story that doesn’t involve toothpaste.

I have wondered about stuff on seat cushions in theaters and on public transportation, too. :frowning:


Was this at the Friday’s over on Canoga Boulevard?
I need to know if I should bring handi-wipes if I ever go there.


I saw a guy jerking off at Arby’s here once. He was at least sitting down so his crotch was under the table, but it was pretty obvious what he was doing. The 15(+/-) year old girls were either horrified or laughed about it.

Either way, they called the cops and he got taken away by the Mounties.

Cheer up, SPOOFIE, this time it took 2 replies to be brought up, not 1. At this rate nobody will remember in…oh…about 2344. :wink: :smiley:

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

Oh, icky! ICKY ICKY! Gross gross gross!! I could’ve gone my whole life without thinking of that! I’ll never touch a railing ever again!

thud as IThinkNot hits the floor

Indeed it was, Java. On the railing next to the bar, just to the left of the entrance as you’re coming in, to be exact.

Y’know, I gotta start bustin’ some heads around here. I’m a stage manager, it’s within my power…


I worked in the bar of the bowling alley one time. There was this sad old creepy dude who used to come in all the time, Fred I think his name was. He couldn’t speak normally due to a tracheaotomy (sp?) necessitated by throat cancer. He had a weird little buzzer which he would press to the side of his neck to help him talk.

Any way, one night I’m waiting tables and this young couple is in the bar. This was a typical cocktail lounge, kinda dark and smarmy place anyway. So the young man says to me “there’s a guy jacking off over there in the corner.” Me: “huh?” I look around and old Fred is over there, next to the cigarette machine, but I can’t tell what he’s doing.

I go to the bartender, he says “don’t worry about it”.

Next time I go to the table the young man says "If you’re not gonna do something about this, I will ! "

Back to the bartender. He reluctantly comes out of the Pit, and with couple of regulars, confronts Fred.

The last image I have is of Fred being hustled to the men’s room, pants akimbo. Yuk. I wasn’t ever able to look him in the eye after that.

When I was 13, my mother and I were sitting down to a meal in a restaurant when I noticed that her gaze was fixed on the table next to ours. At first I didn’t pay much attention, assuming she was just being nosey, but then I leant over and asked what was so fascinating.

“See that couple over there? She’s got her hand under the table, and she’s playing with his whanger!”

I turned around very slowly, trying to be discreet, and looked across at the couple in question. Sure enough, the guy was sitting there with a big grin on his face, while his girlfriend was busy tugging him off.

Talk about public displays of affection!



That’s a sig line waiting to happen.

If you want to live down your “toothpaste” story SPOOFE, you might try changing your name around here. Oh wait, you did that once. You do it again and you’ll be “SPOO”. I don’t think that would help things.


Oy. Oh well… At least he was considerate enough to attempt a clean-up job. :wink:

EW! What a world, what a world!

I just saw these sequential thread titles:
I saw a drunk old man masturbate at Friday’s!

I’m just a guy trying to get laid - Won’t someone help?

Funny thing is, if it was a drunk girl masturbating, it would be a different story. :slight_smile:

Back when I was poor and desparate for a job and didnt know any better I worked night shift in a 24 hour donut shop. (Never never do this… closed shop, professional donut wench, please observe local lawa and posted speed limits) I was helping the baker with the donuts, the powdered sugar ones, putting the jelly or cream in the filled ones… (Insert nasty joke here, but thats not the story…) and occasionally helping the “out front” waitress Tammi when it became busy. She was new, very young (15… first job) and easily overwhelmed.

Well it was saturday night and right after closing time at the bar across the street… and it was winter which means it was minus 40 with wind chill etc. I kept going out front and noticed this guy (most likely of the “homeless” persuasion) semi passed out at one of the tables. This annoyed us, (feng shui says nothing about putting a drunk passed out smelly guy at a window table) and the other customers who wanted a table, but this was nothing new, I’d seen this man before. I tried to remind him of the !5 minute no-loitering policy, to which he just grunted. I was too busy to make an issue, and Tammi was too scared.

Finally Tammi comes back and says the man has to leave…could I get him to leave…

I go out front and not only does our drunk semi conscious friend have his penis out, he’s having an enthusiastic “date” with it, pumping and murmuring “oh oh yes, thats good” just as he climaxes.

He then wipes the “evidence” on his hat!

I go over and ask him to leave again. This time he passes out completely.

So I phone the police. (Yes I had to phone. Which in itself is odd enough… since usually they were there…Dispatcher sounds tired and bored … “Well is the man causing a disturbance?”


Is he shouting? Hurting people?

No, He’s actually pretty quiet.

Well can you just let him sleep it off there? There are a lot of calls tonight…

Look, he just masturbated and wiped his cum on his hat!

OH well I will send someone right over…

They did, and the man was "escorted from the premisies. We had a lot of cops that night. Every 10 minutes all night someone came by to see if we needed help. (and helped himself to a coffee and donut). And they all loved the story.

Don’t ask me what the same guy did the next night for an encore… :-P:eek: