I’d consider individually contacting the people who asked or announced if they could add to their invitation. For one it shows you want to smooth things over with that specific individual or family, and it’s just harder to be annoyed with someone when they get in touch with you personally. (You could have parents contact the people they know better) Second, it’s chance to clear up any miscommunication – the person who asked about a “date” actually has a boyfriend she’s been seeing since the summer, etc.
You’ve put yourself in a tough spot. There’s no ideal solution, but here’s a formula that tends to work as well as any: honesty, humility, apology and clarity.
Words to this effect:
'Hi everyone. I’m sorry, but I messed up when I sent out those invites. So now I’m contacting you all again to try and put things right. Let me explain the position.
I love you all and that’s why I invited you to be part of our special day, and I’m so pleased that so many of you are making a special effort to join us in Vegas. But here’s the problem. We’ve booked a chapel, and it only holds so many people. When I sent out the invites, I really ought to have been clear: I can’t extend the invitation to your friends, partners, significant others and so on. It’s not that they aren’t welcome, but the fact is there won’t be room for them in the chapel I’ve booked.
Whose fault is it that I didn’t make this clear? Mine. One hundred percent. I accept full responsibility. I wasn’t sufficiently clear, and I’m truly sorry. I know some of you will be very upset with me, and frankly I don’t blame you. I would be too. I can’t go back in time and un-make the mistake. All I can do is deal with it and put things right as best I can, as quickly as I can. Hence this letter.
So, to be clear: the only people I can invite to the actual ceremony in the chapel and to the reception after are the people actually named on the invitation. If anyone else turns up… well, I just won’t have anywhere to put them. It really is that simple.
I know some of you have already mentioned this event to friends, family, partners and potential guests, and some of you have even begun making plans. Well, where at all possible, some of those plans may have to be revised or amended. I am under no illusions that this will be either simple or straightforward - which is another reason why I very much regret that I wasn’t clearer the first time.
As far as is practical, I will be contacting you all individually over the next few days and weeks to talk about this - as well as to apologise again in person. And of course you can always contact me - to be honest, I’d love to hear from you, even though I wish I hadn’t made this very unfortunate mistake, and even though I know some of you will be angry with me. I still want to hear from you, because I have to put this right, and I can’t do it without your help, co-operation and (I hope) continued friendship and love.
Yours… ’
This, IMHO, is all class.
Uh no. Not in any universe. An invitation to a single person that is addressed only to that single person, i.e. “Miss Queen Tonya” is an invitation for that person. If it’s acceptable to the host, the person footing the bill, for you to bring a guest then the invitation should be addressed “Miss Queen Tonya and Guest.” If it doesn’t say guest, you don’t get to bring one.
And a reminder, even for a destination wedding, a save the date card is not an invitation. The people in the wrong are those who got a save-the-date evite in their personal inbox and presumed that they could start planning a family vacation around pbbth’s wedding. That’s just not how it works. You don’t RSVP on a save the date, and you don’t take for granted that your kids or your casual date are going to be invited just because you have been advised that you will be.
What tumbleddown said. In fact, “and guest” invitations are silly – you shouldn’t invite people you don’t know; they’ll be bored stiff watching strangers get married, and you’ll be stymied in trying to make conversation with people you don’t know. I haven’t a clue why a stranger would fly across the country to watch a stranger to get married.
I favour Campion’s strategy. Do not admit error; as far as I can tell, you made no error; the error is on the part of those who rudely assumed that your wedding could accommodate uninvited guests.
There’s no reason in the world why someone shouldn’t plan a vacation around your wedding, but they do it on their own steam and nobody who doesn’t get an invitation is invited to the wedding.
I have little tact when it comes to traditions I find pointless. So with that said…I’d just tell each of them through the same mass email that only they are invited and nobody else. No kids, no significant others, no family, no friends. Should take all of 5 mins
You didn’t include the exact wording of your Evite, but you suggest that it wasn’t a formal invitation, just a notification. I think that you’re entirely justified in saying “no” (privately) to anyone who is not on your invitation list, no matter whether or not they decide to bring someone else. I am assuming that you only sent out Evites to people you were eventually going to send an invitation to. They have no right to assume you’re inviting anyone else. If they think otherwise, then they’re the ones not being polite, not you.
But I’m probably not the person to ask about weddings. I mostly have nothing but contempt for them.
This is perfect.
Yep. Campion’s approach and wording are excellent.
I don’t understand ianzin’s suggestion. Why should she grovel and “accept responsibility?” That makes no sense. She didn’t do anything that needs apologizing for. It’s the invitees who are taking liberties.
She did too fuck up, by not being clear from the beginning about how limited the invitations were going to be. No one else is taking liberties. She fucked up, and she needs to be forthright and apologize.
I think Campion’s proposed addendum about children comes of as snotty and condescending, though. Don’t try to sell it as “good news” that the hotel has childcare (and how does she even know that it does?), just be upfront about not wanting children, and apologize for it. Don’t try to put a happy face on it. That’s insulting.
Actually, Campion’s entire proposed statement comes off as condescending. Be apologetic and contrite, don’t act like you’re giving them exciting, happy news.
Pfft. Anyone who thinks a save the date card is meant for anyone other than the name on the to address is a moron. Campion’s wording is perfect.
A save the date card is not an invitation. It is not meant to convey the same depth of information as an invitation, merely that Bride & Groom will be wed on a particular date and to say that an invitation is forthcoming. It is the invitation that will then contain the full scope of wedding information: things like the specific location, whether or not single guests are being invited with a date or if it’s an adults-only event. For singles to presume that their receipt of an STD means that they’re welcome to bring a guest, or for parents to presume that they’re welcome to bring their children is, indeed, taking liberties and putting pbbth at an obligation to either accommodate guests that she did not plan to invite or look like the bad guy for having to say “uh, no you can’t do that.”
Normally there’d never be any sort of situation where people were responding to an STD but eVite treats them as invitations and is, consequently, not an ideal means of disseminating this particular type of information. But all the same, the fault lay solely in the people who are making presumptions. That isn’t pbbth.
I don’t think it’s a big deal to just let people know ‘Hey, we didn’t expect this big a response, but we only have room for 90 people’. 90 people is still a lot of people; nobody is going to get pissed over that.
I guess I’m clueless when it comes to “Destination Weddings.” To begin with, I’d never heard of such a thing before now, possibly because a large percentage of my social circle is prohibited from the right to legally marry. There’s no way I could afford to attend such a gig. A lengthy drive with a night in a motel, sure, especially if I was close to the bride and groom. But a “Destination” invitation wouldn’t even require thoughtful consideration before sending my regrets, as it would be financially impossible for me to attend (with or without a date.)
I’m truly puzzled by this type of wedding, though. If I were to receive such an invitation, my thought would be that my friends were more interested in having a wedding somewhere unique or exotic because it’s their wedding (and absolutely their right to have the wedding they want,) but that sharing such an auspicious occasion with friends and family wasn’t really a priority…unless those friends could afford it.
I’m not sure yet, but I think I’d be a little bit offended by such an invitation. I’ll have to give it more thought, but that’s my first reaction.
Then again, if your friends and family are all in the same comfortable financial bracket where attendance wouldn’t require scrimping and saving, it’s really not a problem.
Do you already have more than 90 people saying they will come, based on 85 invitations? My wife and I spent hours agonizing over who to send wedding invitations to. What a waste of time that was. We ended up with about 50% attendance, and ours was a local wedding.
Anyway, stop agonizing. The whole cult of etiquette around weddings will guarantee that someone’s nose will get out of joint no matter what you do. (QED some of the responses in this thread so far.)
Be short, straight, and to the point. “Hi, I see there was confusion around my evite, so let me clear that up for everybody. I asked you to save the date because I would love to see you at my wedding. And I will be inviting you and one guest to the ceremony. I’m absolutely thrilled so many of you can bring your family/friends along for the trip, but due to the huge response there just isn’t room for everyone at the wedding ceremony itself. Hugs and kisses, pbbth”
Your close family and good friends will be supportive. Anyone who isn’t doesn’t really belong at your wedding, do they?
I agree that Campion’s approach and wording are very good.
Regarding my own approach, I am not saying that the OP has actually done anything wrong, or actually has anything to apologise for. But people are not always cool, rational beings governed by fair logical thought. In this situation, I reckon some people could feel that they were not given sufficiently clear information in the first announcement, and may even have started to book things like flights and accommodation that they wouldn’t have booked if the ‘just you and no-one else’ intention had been more explicit (and the OP seems to be concerned that this might have happened). This being so, some people might get a bit iffy, and the approach I advocated was intended to calm ruffled feathers as much as possible. Sometimes, compelling logic needs to be balanced against the psychology and the emotions involved, which is what I was trying to do.
Campion’s suggestion reads perfect to me. Whilst I understand where ianzin is coming from, I think it’s too sycophantic in tone and actually invites the reader to take offense whereas Campion’s is simply about clarifying facts.
I did copy Campion’s text word for word and just inserted the dates where appropriate. I also contacted my fiance’s mom and sister and my own family to reiterate that there will be no room for extra people no matter what their age so that they can spread the word when people contact them.
I got a Save the Date for a friend of mine for a wedding in April. It was a fridge magnet, which I thought was a cute idea.
Anyway, I’m waiting for the actual invitation to arrive. A Save the Date is sort of a “heads up, please keep this date free, more formal paperwork to come soon” sort of thing. Then, when you send the actual invitations with the RSVP, you can include **Campion’**s most excellent wording.
From what I’m told, this is usually the case with people who do destination weddings, although there are often a few outliers. I’ve even heard of certain people who you know can’t afford it getting the tab picked up by the bride and groom.
I would think that, if one of my friends were to do something like this, they’d also have a more traditional wedding reception at home, since a lot of people wouldn’t be able to attend. (I live in a relatively poor community.) That’s what has happened when certain friends eloped–the family threw a party when they got back.
I just thought of one other thing. These days, a lot of people have friends and relatives that live far away. So, even with a local wedding, significant travel would be involved for some of them. I don’t think I’d feel insulted getting a wedding invitation from my family in Florida, for instance, even if I couldn’t attend.