I seem to be unattractive to the point of being utterly invisible to men and it’s driving me crazy.
I can’t decide if it’s my personality or my lack of physical attractiveness that puts men off. Is it possible for women to look presentable and nicely dressed (I’m often complimented by friends and work colleagues about my clothes) and yet just be Not Sexy to others? I don’t have obvious physical flaws that I’m aware of. I’m not as slim as I’d like to be (US size 10, UK 12/14) but I’m not vastly overweight either. Anyway, I see plenty of larger women who do well on the boyfriend front so I don’t think that’s it. I just think I’m inexplicably not attractive to anyone.
I know this seems to be a female version of the Nice Guy moan but it’s not – those blokes think they know what the problem is, i.e. it’s with the women not appreciating them for the great catch they believe they are. I, OTOH think the problem is with me. What I can’t do is locate it and frankly, the process of analysing all my physical and personality flaws to try and detect the source of what makes me unappealing is starting to really get me down. I feel as if there is something really offputting about me that everyone but me can see very clearly.
I don’t think I’m a jerk to others but the thought that haunts me is that probably every jerk thinks that too. But how would I know? On very rare occasions I’ve asked my very closest friends and they just reassure me that I’m fine as I am. Except I’m obviously not.
I know this seems whiney (and it is!). I promise I’m not usually so self absorbed – this is usually just something that sits at the back of my mind rather than something I obsess daily over, but for various reasons, today I can’t get it out of my mind. Any advice gratefully received.
I had a long-winded post here, but I seem to have sent it into cyberspace. Long story short, if you’re shy or reserved, take some steps to force yourself to take the initiative in social situations. Start the conversation. Approach the guy you’ve had your eye on and ask him out for coffee. You might even work with your circle of friends to plan a singles party (or at least be sure everyone invites some single people). It may be that you’re inadvertently giving off a “leave me alone” vibe if you’re the quiet type.
I read your post and was compelled to briefly leave lurkerdom to reply.
I’ve suffered from the ‘women do not notice me syndrome’ fairly often. At the moment I’m regarding it as a step up from the ‘women keep looking at me in disgust’ syndrome I have suffered previously.
My initial thoughts are:
If you were truly that unattractive you would be getting attention, just not the good kind (ie people pointing and going eeewwww). This would appear not to be the case
Guys are looking at you but you’re just missing their looks. I’d say this was fairly possible. Us guys can (on rare occasions) be quite subtle when checking women out (granted we can also be incredibly unsubtle, breast staring pervs)
You’re so convinced that no-one is checking you out that when someone is you simply disregard it as nothing more than an innocent stare.
Not sure any of that helps, but thought I’d share anyway…
Attraction isn’t exctly formulaic, but there are many factors, from body language to whether or not your eyes shine.
I’d wager that’s also part of what may be a turnoff. Would you be more attracted to a happy, confident guy, or a guy who spent his time wondering what was ‘wrong’ with him?
That attitude is, more likely than not, the offputting thing.
It’s hard to get out from under that trap, but it’s possible. The secret, as always, is to work on yourself and just let things happen, then they’ll fall into place.
Despite all the good things about personality and who’s inside, one thing I have noticed about my own life is that there is a direct correlation between my looks and how often I get hit on - even since I’ve been married. For me it’s weight. Put on pounds, no attention, take them off, women pay attention. People are basically shallow.
I’m not saying the weight thing may necessarily be true for you: indeed I know several 14+ women who are total knockouts.
One thing you may want to consider, regarding the compliments you get, is the gender of who is complimenting you: often, the clothes and hairstyles women like on other women are not necessarily what are appreciated by (straight) men. I’m not saying you should dress like something out of FHM, but, for example, the fashions in Sex and the City nearly made me vomit, while my wife totally loved them. As an aside, I personally think short hair takes a particularly striking woman to be able to carry it off.
Finally some women can be attractive, or on the attractive side of plain, but just not “sexy”. Sexy does carry attitude for me - a woman who’s got a bit of fire in her belly, and is prepared to look after herself and indicate what she wants.
Actually there are quite a few clues in the OP that indicate that there is nothing wrong with you. You have friends, you are self aware, you seem bright enough. And 12/14 is about 90% of modern women I would think so that shouldn’t be a factor.
Don’t even bother dwelling on what you think MAY be wrong with you, unless there is something so obvious that you should deal with it. In which case deal with it.
How do you think attractive and alluring women act/look/think? Just play act the part a bit. Start in small doses.
Hang out somewhere different. Meet different people.
Remember that men are dolts. In my own doltish experience I have found that quiet, understated women are in some ways harder to approach simply because it seems easier to scare them off. The slighest bit of encouragement can help.
Wait a minute, you said US Size 10? That’s fantastic. Renee Zelwegger wasn’t Size 10 for “Bridget Jones’ Diary.” My wife just slimmed down to around a 14, and she’s looking smashing. Any guy who won’t look twice at a size 10 isn’t worth having.
I think Kalhoun is probably right – by the way you dress or with your body language, you may be accidentally giving off an “unavailable” signal.
Remember, guys (especially young ones) respond almost entirely to visual cues in the early moments of a relationship. Your wardrobe may be too “sensible” or you may be holding yourself in such a way that fellows think you’re off limits.
The other possibility: You’re looking at the wrong guys. It’s possible that you’re only invisible to men who really aren’t worthy of you, and that’s shaken your self confidence to the point you can’t see the slightly dumpy but kind, sweet and truly loveable guys who would treat you with the dignity, affection and respect you deserve.
I was going to suggest a picture too (though not naked), but realized that it doesn’t really even matter that much. Sure, there are shallow guys out there, but the non-shallow ones still make up a signifigant portion of the population, and as long as you take good care of yourself such as hygene and dress nicely, and you have a good personality (no scowling all the day long and biting birds heads off), you probably just don’t notice it.
Have you considered an internet personals add? That avoids the problems of not seeming available, and you would meet a much more diverse group of men than you might otherwise. Plus, you can practice flirting via typing, which is a bit easier for a lot of people than face-to-face flirting. Just a thought.
I think your first mistake is thinking that a size 10 is “large”. Try to change that line of thinking and realize you’re pretty average. Probably “below average” - at least in the dress size department.
As Kalhoun suggested, you may be inadvertently giving off “back off” vibes just by being shy. I somewhat have that problem. Often when I get to know someone better they’ll tell me something like “I thought you disliked me,” just from the vibes I give out (apparently), when that is definitely not the case. I suck at small talk and by giving one word replies to friendly questions and consequently cutting the conversation short, I make people assume I don’t want to talk to them. I also have a sort of serious demeanor. I don’t know if this is your problem but I think it’s worth examining.
…But just to be sure I’ll also need to see some n00ds.
Allow me to back this up from a male perspective (ISTR you being female, Kalhoun; apologies if I’m wrong).
I’m a guy, and one who can be fairly outgoing when the situation demands. However, when I see a girl who seems to be keeping to herself, I’m far more likely to chalk it up to “she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, especially me” or “she must have a boyfriend and not want to meet anyone” than “oh, she wants me to talk to her, but she’s shy.”
Approaching members of the opposite sex is like what they always tell you about a grizzly bear that wanders into your campsite: remember that they’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them. And as an added bonus, the guy in the bar is unlikely to rip you limb from limb, even in a worst-case scenario.
This is my perspective. I was in a marriage for 18 years with a guy who didn’t appreciate the unique, fun, worthwhile person that I am. And…I was overweight by about 40 pounds (I know that you aren’t, but stay with me.) I walked around like I was embarrassed to be occupying space on this planet. I felt exactly as you did…invisible.
I decided to make changes with diet and exercise. I took up yoga. Now…I’m not saying that you should take up yoga. My point is I discovered that I have a passion for it. A person who follows his/her passion is vibrant, and interesting.
Now I notice that guys look at me all the time. I’m not a size 2–more like a size 8 and I have what I think is a big nose…I think I’m average looking. I’m in my 40’s so I’m not young–but youthful, definitely.
Here’re some photos of me http://yogi5943.zaadz.com/photos.
A bit of advice I picked up from studying yoga:
If you are happy, pleasant, and unselfish in your dealings with others, obstacles will shrink. If you are judgemental in your mind and selfish with your emotions, obstacles will increase.
This works for me…except in my marriage.
I hope this helps you…I don’t want to sound preachy, but this is what worked for me.
