I was walking down 9th Avenue with a friend looking for a restaurant when—just like in a John Waters film!—“a rat jumped out and bit my new nylons!”
Suddenly not very hungry, I went to the hospital, where the doctor assured me that “rats don’t USUALLY carry rabies,” so I shouldn’t worry. That word “USUALLY” was echoing in my head for the next few weeks . . .
It looks like we will have to add Alvin to the long list of ‘child stars gone bad’ along with Todd Bridges and Danny Bonaduce.
Alvin leaves behind brothers Simon and Theodore, both vacationing at the Betty Ford clinic.
My brother tells a story about a time he and his wife were camping…
They were just about to turn in when they heard this pitiful high pitched shrieking coming from somewhere near their tent. It sounded like a small animal but they were having trouble placing the sound. Curiousity overwhelmed them so they got out their flashlights and went in search of the noise.
They followed it to its source…at the edge of the clearing was a chipmunk…IN THE PROCESS OF EATING A SMALL FROG! It was the FROG that was making the shrill shriek, obviously torn between the emotions of sheer terror, and the mortification of being eaten by a chipmunk.
Maybe my kitty’s name was Elmer, it didn’t have a name, I never gave it one, I just called it kitty. And it died from frustration over being unable to kill the chipmunks. And I am partly to blame.
My kitty, an aged, 16 year old cat with no front claws, actually managed to capture and kill one of the chipmunks. It used to spend hours sitting on my deck, watching my deck garden and lying in wait for the little beasts. One day, I heard kitty howling unnaturally, out on the deck. I went out to find kitty staring at a tarp balled up in a corner, with her tail twitching furiuously. I didn’t know what was happening, so I lifted up the tarp to investigate and a chipmunk came shooting out the back side, away from where the cat could catch it. My kitty gave me a dirty look as if to declare “dammit, you let it get AWAY!” and ran off in a huff. Sorry kitty. After that, it lost all interest in hunting, and the next year, it dwindled away and died. Poor kitty.
But I’m getting my revenge. Sometimes I catch the chipmunks on the deck, and I yell and stomp to scare the hell out of em. But I’m not trying to kill them, just scare them away. Once I had a chipmunk cornered, it froze because it saw no escape route, so I stepped back to let it get a clear path. And to my astonishment, it JUMPED right off the deck, surely a 15 foot drop. It hit the ground with a resounding SMACK. I was afraid I’d killed it, but it was back digging in my tomatoes the next day. But it definitely was deterred, it wouldn’t come up on the deck nearly so often.
So if anyone has any recommendations for repelling evil killer nazi chipmunks, I am dying to hear them.
What did you think the E stood for, anyway?
A few years back, two friends were working in Cameroon doing public health work. During a vacation to a national park in one of the neighboring countries (can’t recall which one), they were hiking down a trail when a cute lil’ monkey jumped out of the tree and started hissing at Gina. Her husband Sean interposed himself between the monkey and Gina, then turned to see if Gina was OK. Bad move - the monkey launched a vicious attack to the back of Sean’s leg. Sean dropped-kicked the cute little monkey, and it ran away.
Because the monkey got away, Sean had to take the anti-rabies course of treatment. The problem was that the anti-rabies drugs can’t be used when you are taking anti-malarial pills, so Sean had to stop taking them. As you can guess, Sean contracted malaria (for the third time in his life).
Sean proudly claims he is the only person in the world to catch malaria from a monkey-bite.
Sua
Geo the Thumbless Wolf Trap Ranger
(with even more apologies to Warren Zevon)
Geo was a ranger at a park for performing arts
Kept the traffic moving, rode around in carts
The deal was made in Herndon on a bright and starry night
So she set out for Vienna not looking for a fight
Through June, July and August, she helped patrol the park
With some smokers in the bushes, hidden in dark
Four days a week she battled gate-crashers to their knees
Patrolled to earn her living and to help out the park police.
Geo the Wolf Trap ranger
Geo the Wolf Trap ranger
Her comrades fought beside her, the ushers and the rest
But of all the Wolf Trap rangers, Geo was the best
'Til a misbegotten rodent started acting dumb.
That son of a bitch mad chipmunk bit off Geo’s thumb
Geo the thumbless Wolf Trap ranger
(Time, time, time, for another tetanus shot)
Straightdope’s bravest chick
(But time for her to find out was it rabid, was it not)
They can still see that crazy chipmunk
Showed signs of live at last
And sunk its teeth in Geo’s severed thumb
And sunk its teeth in Geo’s severed thumb
Geo searched the first aid kit for a swab to clean her hand
Her friends corralled the chipmunk, which made a final stand
They finally caught the chipmunk atop a grassy knoll
And handed off his body to animal control
Geo the thumbless Wolf Trap ranger
Geo the thumbless Wolf Trap ranger
Geo the thumbless Wolf Trap ranger, talkin’ about the babe
Geo the thumbless Wolf Trap ranger
The eternal Wolf Trap ranger
Still wand’ring through the night
Fifteen minutes later, but she still cleans up the bite.
In Arlington, in Chevy Chase, in Centreville and Falls Church
They at least found the beast
That bit off Geo’s thumb and caught it.
Robot Arm, my dear friend, I am humbled by your talent, your dedication, and your overabundance of spare time.
Really? Which archdiocese? (It’s tattooed on the backs of their necks.)
Looks a bit Bath and Wells-ish to me.