I’ve gone around and around about this and have come to no real conclusion, so maybe someone more level-headed than myself (or someone with more knowledge about such situations) will be able to help me get a handle on it.
I’m getting divorced, and will have full custody of my older two and probably full (or very nearly so) custody of the younger two as well. So: Mom, four kids, numerous cats and dogs and a lot of stuff to deal with.
We (my soon-to-be ex and I) currently own a home (still another 24 years on the mortgage). I’m living here with the kids, and have tentatively planned on staying after the divorce, but I’m not entirely sure if I should or not. The payment is huge, I’m not overly attached to it, and the ex still considers it HIS house–a situation that I think unlikely to change. I’m not sure that he will ever accept (perhaps barring a court order) that he can’t simply walk into the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom as if he still lives here.
It so tempting to pack it in, sell the house, and walk away. Oh, so tempting. On the other hand, it is almost equally tempting to put some money into fixing it up so that it feels like MY house again, and staying put where I’m comfortable.
I’m trying to think with my head instead of my emotion here, and frankly it’s so confusing that I’m not sure which is which. It’s all very tiring.
Any ideas or input? I’m probably leaving out vital facts, but I’ll answer questions as needed.
IMHO - if you can get some $ out of a sale, do so and put the proceeds down on a new (to you) house. Best of luck to you and the kiddos/pets! Everything will fall into place.
Sell the house and make a fresh start. The last thing you need is the EX showing up one night unannounced, acting like it is still his house. The payment, you said, is huge. Find a house with a lower payment, one you can be comfortable with and that the kids will like. Let the kids be part of the decision making on which house you choose.
We bought it together and have maintained it together; at this point neither of us has paid into it more, at least according to Indiana law.
He’s not attached to the house and in fact doesn’t WANT the house, or I’d let him keep it and the problem would be solved. He’s attached to the idea of being able to walk in, refuse to leave, threaten to kick me out, etc. It’s an entitlement thing, like so many of the problems that crop up with him.
That’s part of the reason it’s so tempting to just walk away and get a fresh start, provided I can manage it financially.
Is there any reason your soon-to-be ex should still have the keys? That, at least, is a problem easily and cheaply solved: change the locks.
(Maybe somethingas simple as a fresh coat of paint and rearranged furniture would make it feel more like yours again? Won’t you end up paying a lot of money in commissions and such if you sell?)
Have you thought about buying your ex’s half? The court may have to order this, but it can be done.
It’s a great time to sell real estate and a lousy time to buy it. Even if you are divorced, you and your ex will have to sign everything, and those are some of the worse sales to handle. You’ll each need different attorneys (get real estate lawyers, do not use your divorce lawyers).
Yep, getting the locks changed is on the To Do list. And there will be absolute hell to pay for it, too, but that’s to be expected.
I’m doing a lot of painting and redecorating already, and it does help a bit, but there are just those times that I feel like I won’t be really free if I don’t get out of here, y’know?
I’m not sure about the commissions, etc–that’s exactly the sort of thing I need to be looking into, I think. Next step, I believe, will be to contact the mortgage company to make sure I could get a loan if I wanted, and then to talk to someone to find out how much we owe, how much it’s worth, etc. It’s intimidating stuff to me.
I think that would basically be the situation, if I keep it. We don’t have much equity in it, so I’d probably just take over ownership and put off any payment to him until I sell it somewhere down the line.
If it turns out that I owe him…well, I am so NOT putting cash into his hands. If it comes to that, we’ll have to sell it and split whatever profit or loss there is.
I guess that would make the decision for me, wouldn’t it?
I’d sell, split the profit, and put your money into a smaller purchase. The older kids aren’t going to be there much longer anyway, so if you’re a bit cozy for a few years, that’s ok.
There’s two things going on here, the financial commitment and the emotional commitment.
Bodypoet is looking to make a fresh start. But she’s not sure if she can swing it financially.
I would discuss things with your attorney to see what s/he suggests is best for you financially. Perhaps your ex can buy you out, then you can use the money to get your own place. Or, you could buy it from him, rent it out, and get another place more in line with your income.
Or, you could mention to your attorney that your ex comes over unannounced, and get that covered in the settlement.
Get a real estate agent to do a CMA. This compares the value of your house to similar houses in the area. Who knows, it may have appreciated enough that you would be stupid not to move.
umm, nobody mentioned looking into refinancing the existing mortgage?
and i’d second the consult-your-attorney nomination, not only about the Entering Without Invitation issue, but also pros/cons and strategies about acquiring total ownership of the house and mortgaging options.
while selling would certainly give you a nice, clean new emotional slate, you might have to deal with unpleasant interims of where to keep everything/everybody while you’re locating your new domicile. that could be an uncomfortable period, if you have to vacate the old place and the new one isn’t ready for occupancy yet. sometimes the timing works just right; sometimes there’s a couple months time in limbo inbetween.
No matter what you do, you’re going to have unpleasant interactions with your almost-ex on the subject – if you don’t move, you have to somehow deal with his sense of entitlement, and if you do, you’ll have all the negotiations on how the finances break down. Right? So is that really a reason to go either way? Maybe you can leave that out of your mental equation. Unless you think he would never leave it alone. Will you have hell to pay (after getting the locks changed) just the once, with one big battle, or is he the type to beat dead horses?
Do you know what your kids think about moving or staying? Not that it’s their decision, but the stress of the divorce and the move together might be a lot to lay on a kid all at once. I’d probably want to weigh the stress of moving against the stress of seeing Dad come in and pick fights with Mom for them (and for you too, for that matter).
Can you afford the payments on the house you have?
Could you afford to hire professional movers if you moved? I can’t imagine moving a household of that size without a lot of help. Well, actually, I can imagine it… OMG… I need a nap now.
Mostest bestest of luck to you and please keep us posted.
The older kids would love to move. The little ones would do fine with it, I think, aside from the expected upheaval. My ex has been gone for nearly a year, and they’re quite young, so it’s not a matter of having one huge change piled right on top another.
emily is right, of course–I shouldn’t let this decision be dictated by his behavior, because there is going to be trouble on some front no matter what I do. As to the hell-to-pay re: the locks: It will be one big battle, followed by weeks of menacing and threatening behavior, followed by months of the beating of the dead horse. He can be scary, but he’s smart enough to not make any direct threats, so the courts aren’t much help. (Aside from what I might be able to get written into the divorce; I’m checking into it.)
Payments on this house are nearly unaffordable–it would be a situation where I’d be okay most of the time, but could easily get myself into big trouble if we go through a rough financial spot. If I get a less expensive place, it would probably save $300-400/month, which is a lot when you consider my income. I could, of course, refinance this place, as lachesis mentions, but I don’t think I could drop the payment that much, and truthfully, the money isn’t even the main issue.
I’m just not sure I want to stay here anymore. I don’t know if I can ever make it feel like home after all my family has been through in this house.
I would say definately move. Get what you can out of the current house and get something that you can afford more easily. You do need to find out what your house is worth right now in comparison to others in the neighborhood - who knows, this may end up working out great for you at least financially.
Get all the info you can on the specifics of refinancing, staying, and moving. You can’t choose between these options without knowing what it is you’re choosing from.