I suffer from clinical depression

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have suffered from CD for a good many years,from the non suffers viewpoint it seems odd and weird,from my viewpoint it seems totally logical,whatever we do,whatever we’ve achieved ,all finishes when we die.
God?
Life after death?

Totally want to believe in that,just give me some proof and I’m your man!
I’m going to die .
Everyone I love ,ever loved or might want to love in the furture will eventually die,including my pet dog ,or cat or rabbit.

I’ve always been terrified of dying(Though it seems to be less so now)

So subconsciously I’ve always put myself in the way of dangerous experiences to I assume immunise myself from them.
Being shot at,being in the bad guys territory,being shelled,parachuting ,climbing,diving,abseiling…
Even now I feel totally ashamed of my fear and depression but I don’t want sympathetic words,I hate pity,I just wanted to after so many years to expres s myself ,get it off of my chest

2

This is just my un-educated opinion: But the trick is to file away bad knowledge and forget about it. Some say to supress things is bad. I say bollocks to that. Supressing bad knowledge and feelings is necesary in order to lead a reaonably happy life. Everyone does it.

I used to be depressed a lot. And still do get depressed. But I find I’m a lot happier when I stop myself from thinking bad thoughts. Look on the bright side. The more you do it (looking on the bright side) the better you’ll get at it. Same for supressing dark thoughts. The more you switch them off the better you’ll get at switching them off.

ETA: I just noticed your dopername, and the irony is not lost on me.

3

I don’t know if this will be helpful or not, but I’ve recently heard that you don’t want to suppress your “bad” emotions, you want to experience them, transform them, and integrate them.

Bud that’s for transient emotions. Clinical depression is on a whole different level.

4

Some people have left a lingering effect, for better or worse. But even for everyman, I believe in karma. I don’t mean that in a religious sense necessarily, just in the everyday “What goes around comes around” sense.

A little kindness can go a long way, for instance. Suppose you let someone cut in front of you in traffic. Maybe that person has been having a hell of a day, can’t get a break, etc. So he gets home, he’s a little more patient with the wife, the kid, etc. There’s that ripple effect. Likewise, if you’re a real jerk to someone, maybe he goes home and tees off on everybody in the household, and they pass it along to others they meet as well.

And little things can mean a lot. I once saw a woman stranded at the side of the road, and I guess nobody had stopped to help. So I changed a tire for her…maybe that was going to make her late for work, cost her a job, or she couldn’t afford to call a tow truck and was going to sweat out the job in the hot sun for eight hours. Actually, when I saw her work, I thought she could have been seriously hurt because she jacked it up in the wrong place, didn’t have the parking brake on, etc. Anyway it was no big deal to me but maybe it was a huge deal to her.

The past is gone; let it go. If you feel like you’ve screwed up horrendously, maybe you have. Or maybe you’re a moral perfectionist, remembering only the bad stuff and not giving yourself credit for all the good you did. But whatever the case, today is a new chance. Just do the best you can and let that be good enough.

I think in many cases, we have neuroses because we can afford them. E.g. my parents both went through the Great Depression; their main concern was food on the table and a roof over their heads etc. They didn’t have time to worry about whether they were fulfilled at work, whether they’d made an impact on the world, and all those sorts of things. You may get some relief from volunteering or otherwise keeping yourself busy, getting out of your own head.

@Lobsang: I think it’s important to learn from bad experiences so you don’t repeat them. But I agree, it’s senseless to beat up on yourself about them years after the fact.

Song that just popped into my head: Dan Fogelberg’s “Part of the Plan.”

Meanings awake and you see your mistakes,
You wish someone would buy your confessions.
Days miss their mark and the night gets so dark.
And some kind of message gets through to you,
Somehow a message shoots through.

Full lyrics here:

Video here:

RIP, Dan. Good luck, OP!

5

I agree. It just doesn’t bother me.

I also have no fear of death. Fearing death seems like so much work. I figure, when death comes, I’ll be dead so it won’t bother me.

See, the logical part of you thinking is, “all this will one day be gone.”
The illogical part is, “that means everything is shit and worthless right now.”

So, you are observing something totally logical and factual, and drawing an illogical conclusion, one biased by your brain chemistry/personal trauma/habit of thought/etc. You believe you are seeing an objective reality, which cannot be changed, but you’re seeing a subjective reality, one which can definitely be changed.

IANATherapist
IANAPhilosopher

6

re-reading my post, it sounded a little cold. Clinical depression is no joke - it is not a weakness in fact from my observation, to endure it and keep trying at life shows a great strength of character - and I hope that you start to feel better about things and experience some joy in the now.

7

I have it, too, but it’s under control with medication. The advice above is all good, but if you’re really down you won’t be able to act on that advice. So if you’re not taking meds, please see someone, and if you are, then see them again and get your meds changed. Not to make it seem like meds are the solution to everything, but when you’re seriously depressed, you need them.

8

Like you I have in the past been troubled by thoughts along the lines of since the entire universe is destined to die at some point in the future then our lives have no real meaning. If we cease to exist then we may as well have never existed.

This is of course abnormal thinking that non-depressed people are not troubled by. I’m not sure if it is merely a symptom of depression or a cause. But I do know that it can be treated so speak to your doctor about it.

9

Do you really think people who haven’t been “diagnosed” with clinical depression don’t think about that?

Just because we die doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for a good life while we’re here.

10

People who aren’t depressed don’t ruminate about it to the extent that it dominates their thoughts.

11

I’ve found that supressing the bad thoughts is not a good idea. Think of a BAD THOUGHT as a worm. It burrows into your deepest part of your brain eating and pooping until there is nothing left but a hollow core.

What I’ve done with my bits of depression is recognize whatever it is that is depressing and why it makes me depressed. Then, I ask myself what can I do to work towards making it/myself feel better, then I do it.
[Not Mandatory Reading/Self Indulgent Twaddle.]

**Example: ** My last brother is in a nursing home. He will die there. He is the second brother to end up in a nursing home ( out of four) who will die there. (One died at home via the joys of suffocation via pnuemonia. The other died in ICU when we removed life support because his lungs were collapsing and he was suffocating to death. The level of indifference that borders on neglect combined with the joys of the smell of overcooked cabbage and the various bodily fluid smells that pervade every freaking nursing home I’ve encountered is not to be born. Yes, I’ve been reading loads of Jane Austen lately, why do you ask?

Fun stuff, right? ( If that doesn’t cheer you up that you are NOT ME, I don’t know what will.) Loop it and put it on HYPERSPEED and you have just one of the BAJILLION **Negative Cyclical Patterns **that are ON! ON! ON! all the time in my head.

(The others, just as a sampler would be: Mom’s old/I get to care for her and bury her, My husbands job is hanging by a thread, My inlaws have issues, The cat hates me, I can’t find a job so I am really stupid/unemployable/a loser, if I don’t keep my kids on task they will end up a loser like me, money/money/money.)

What I have to do to keep myself from going farking insane is:

[ol]
[li]a) take my medication.[/li][li]b) do something positive to offset the NCP (negative cyclical pattern) that is a hamster on the wheel of death in my brain.[/li][li]c) do something positive that is in my control. ( related to issue at hand or just doing something like gardening/walking/knitting/exercise. Something to release the feel-good endorphins.)[/li][/ol]This is the big one:

[ol]
[li]d) Ask myself: Did I create this problem? Is this my problem to clean up? Did I give birth to this problem ( not my kids, not my problem.) and in ten years will this really matter?[/li][/ol]

[/twaddle]
Recognize you are not alone and you don’t have to isolate yourself.

I completely understand and GET the need to put myself in a cave and say " FUCK YOU ALL!" to the world, this is known as *going Theodore Kaczynski* but I recognize that if I did this I would miss out on FUN and FRIENDS and this crazy thing called LIFE! Life is so farking amusing when I fully engage in it.

Understand that everyone has a night or three staying in SUCK CITY. Suck City always has rain and traffic and ants. When it creeps towards a weekly visit it can easily spiral into living on the couch in the basement in the House of GLOOM right in the middle of SUCK CITY for the rest of your life. THAT IS NOT CROMULENT!

12

I’ll second this and ask if you’re seeing someone at the present. You know, depression is nothing to be ashamed about. Would you be ashamed of having appendicitis? They’re both perfectly natural conditions suffered by many, many people all over the world. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help and getting treated. You’re not weak, whiney, or self-centered for doing so. It’s just being smart.

As far as your philosophical points, well . . . I wouldn’t worry too much about those. It’s not like worrying is going to change anything, and really, if you think about the ramifications of those thoughts, it’s pretty liberating, right? Live your life to the fullest the way you want to, because if your life doesn’t mean anything to the world at large, it might as well mean something to you and yours. But you have to take care of yourself and your depression first.

13

I’ll second Linty Fresh. CD is a chemical imbalance in the brain…it’s like being addicted to heroin or caffeine or many other things, except it isn’t voluntary.

If you’re depressed, maybe you’re a wet blanket at parties. So you stop going and/or stop receiving invitations. So you seclude yourself…bad idea. Then you can lie awake nights, worrying about this stuff so that come morning, you’re exhausted and have no game socially.

Maybe in addition to meds, you need a counselor or just someone you can vent to.

Sez Wikipedia:

People who may have had depression include English author Mary Shelley,[250] American-British writer Henry James,[251] and American president Abraham Lincoln.[252] Some well-known contemporary people with possible depression include Canadian songwriter Leonard Cohen[253] and American playwright and novelist Tennessee Williams.[254] Some pioneering psychologists, such as Americans William James[255][256] and John B. Watson,[257] dealt with their own depression.

And you may find Viktor Frankl interesting.

His best-selling book, Man’s Search for Meaning (published under a different title in 1959: From Death-Camp to Existentialism, and originally published in 1946 as trotzdem Ja zum Leben sagen: Ein Psychologe erlebt das Konzentrationslager), chronicles his experiences as a concentration camp inmate and describes his psychotherapeutic method of finding meaning in all forms of existence, even the most sordid ones, and thus a reason to continue living. Frankl was one of the key figures in existential therapy.

14

I hear you. I have recurring CD that I can usually keep under control with exercise (yes, it can be as effective as drugs!) and cognitive behavioral therapy.

But, still, I kind of think being smart and logical and tending to depression is especially hard. As my therapist said, there are tons of idiots walking around perfectly happy. It takes a sharp mind to convincingly shoot down every argument for happiness.

The thing to remember is that when you’re depressed, your illogical, delusional emotions hijack your wonderful intellect for their own dastardly purposes. I urge you to get medical/therapeutic help, because as much as you can convince yourself that your current stance is 100% logical, it is almost certainly an artifact of fucked up brain chemistry.

That said, I also argued myself out of the whole despair-and-terror-of-death thing before I even sought help. I figured death being what it is, I had three choices: off myself right away,* which is monumentally stupid because fearing death was half the problem; I could live in constant dread and anguish; or I could say, “Yeah, that totally sucks, might as well make the best of it.” I’m very glad I chose the third option. And when you do, it gets easier over time to be unperturbed by the whole issue.

So please, go get some professional help! It does help, honestly.

*Please don’t construe this as instruction or permission to commit suicide - if you have any suicidal thought please call a hotline immediately.

15

Just want to thank everyone for their advice,I will certainly try it out.
I have sought proffessional help in the past and even tried the pills they gave me but to no avail.
I try not to let people know IRL that I’m a sufferer as most people tend to avoid you like the plague, either because they feel embarassed or because having a wet blanket close to them brings them down as well.

I have studied my condition over the years with a view to self help and believe that it is caused by bio chemical imbalance ;but as I am so close to the subject as it were, I could well be wrong.
I have suffered what many people would consider traumatic experiences over my life, but believe that self pity is the worst thing to indulge in.

Bad things happen to people because they happen,not because its some sort of plot by the universe against poor little me.

I am not nor have ever had suicidal tendencies as I am terrifeid of dying;though as I said in my earlier post I have tended to put my self in life threatening situations for much of my life.

I must admit that it gives me a warm feeling knowing that the community of Dopers are around me(Even if I do sometimes P people off on occassion with my argumentativeness) .
Sorry its taken me so long to respond but thats down to pressure of work.

Thanks again to all,you are all STARS.

16

I have had CD for about 50 years, but only diagnosed for about the last 25. It sucks, but medications help. In spite of this I have a very positive philosophy of life and a very supportive partner. All in all, things could be a lot worse.

17

I’m pretty sceptical about so called complimentary medecine and herbal remedies as I believe that anything that can be sold without a prescription must be mostly innocuous and so have no genuine effect other then the placebo one.

But on a whim I tried St Johns Wort and it honestly has been working, though to be honest its only been a week.
From what I’ve read it doesn’t work for everyone but I rcommend anyone with CD to at least give it a try.

Just want to say for those who are suffering from depression now,you WILL come out of it even if it doesn’t seem so at the moment,also we’re all with you,you’re not alone.
Keep fighting.