So here it is 4:45pm on a Sunday on a long holiday weekend and I am just beginning to feel human. I spent most of the earlier morning trying in vain to sleep off a hangover that was part seasickness part brain-in –a-vice. My wife had to make excuses to my 7 year old son why I can’t come outside and play with him. Today I am not a dad, I am a drunk.
What was the big celebration last night that has me in such a state? The post-celebration hangover is nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately there was no celebration. Me and the family went out for sushi with some friends. I was the only one drinking. I had 2 large cans of Sapporo. When we got home I was feeling pretty good and there was one beer in the fridge. We started a movie and I drank the beer.
Then alco-logic took over. If several drinks=good, then MANY drinks=better…AMIRITE? I popped open a bottle of pinot grigio and finished it alone. Fast forward to today and I feel like an MMA fighter beat my ass and then took a dump in my mouth and I am thinking my last drink of the night may have been an ipecac shooter.
I am 38 and have been drinking since I was 14. In college I was a typical binge drinker with passouts and blackouts galore. When I was 25 I was completely wasted and crashed my car into someone. Thank Og no one was hurt. I didn’t get a DUI but I certainly deserved one. I spent most of my 20s dating women who probably had/have drinking problems of their own.
When I drink I have said things I regret, posted embarrassing things on Facebook, been unkind (never violent) to my wife, driven drunk, and generally made bad decisions. I have missed work and other obligations.
There are alcoholics in my family but I wasn’t really impacted by them, except possibly genetically.
I didn’t used to drink frequently, but when I drank I really drank. There is sort of a running joke about my wine rack. It holds 20 bottles. I can collect a few bottles, but if I have a drink, I will come home and drink until all the booze is gone or I get sick. The wine rack stays empty.
Whenever I make new plans immediately think about the opportunities to drink. I just booked a weekend at a place called Great Wolf Lodge (an indoor water park) for the family. I checked the website to make sure they sell beer. Last night our friends suggested us all taking a cruise and I immediately thought “seven days of laying out in the sun and having some drinks!”
But now it is getting more frequent. In the last 90 days I probably consumed alcohol on 70 of them.
BONUS!!! I have diabetes!!! I don’t take any medicine because I have excellent control via diet and exercise. In fact a glass of red wine actually helps keep my blood glucose in the optimal zone. However since the drinking has picked up, the exercise has stopped. Also I often wake up to find I have eaten sugary, high carb snacks that I usually avoid completely. Not good at all.
I feel as if I am at a turning point. I feel I am capable of stopping drinking or letting the drinking really get away from me. It could go either way. One thing I cannot do is drink in moderation.
One challenge is that so much in my life has a drinking component to it. My brother lives in wine country so we are going to visit next month to tour some vineyards. I attend a very non-traditional church where we meet in a bar and have drinks after worship. We are even about to start brewing our own beer. There is an inter-faith group that meets at my house every other Tuesday and everyone brings beer or wine and part of the experience is trying them out.
So not only do I need to stop drinking, but I need to rewire my life. But I want to be healthier and more responsible and a better father and a better husband.
Thanks for listening.