At our Thanksgiving gathering yesterday (at my mother’s), one person, Harry, was there as a guest of my sister, Jeannette. Harry said something extremely mean to another sister, Marjorie, while Jeannette apparently stood by and did nothing.
Marjorie left the gathering in tears, just after explaining what had happened. I wasn’t a witness.
Enraged, I confronted Harry and told him his behavior was unacceptable. He admitted to what he had said and left the gathering shortly after.
Jeannette now says that she is going to sever all contact with Harry.
As you can surmise, Harry isn’t overloaded with friends. In fact, Jeannette is probably his only friend. And my spastic overreaction has caused him to lose that friendship.
I’ve known Harry for years. I don’t particularly like him, but I don’t dislike him. He has an overwhelming tendency to say stupidass shit, and he has the social skills of a wolverine. Jeannette didn’t castigate him for his comment to Marjorie because she assumed Marjorie knew that he was “that way” and that she wouldn’t take him seriously.
Had I butted out, everything might have blown over. But I was too angry, on behalf of my sister, and on my own behalf from frustration with years of this sort of behavior.
Well, he’ll either turn into a mass murderer, or he’ll do what I did: make an effort, tone down things that are inappropriate, and attempt to think before he makes “funny” but snarky comments.
If Marjorie was hurt, then she was hurt, and you were justified in addressing inappropriate behaviour. If Jeannette wants to see him again, she will.
Unfortunately, I don’t even know if he thinks the comments are funny. I have to elbow my husband sometimes for inappropriate (to the audience) humor. But Harry goes beyond that.
The conversation allegedly (all three parties agree) went like this.
Jeannette: Marjorie, this is Harry, a friend of mine. Harry, this is my sister Marjorie.
Marjorie: Hi, Harry.
Harry: Oh yeah, you’re the sister who’s a bitch.
Maybe he meant it in that kidding, “Ooh, I’ve heard stories about you!” sort of way. I don’t know.
I fail to see how any of this was your fault. Marjorie really was upset and he really did say something inapproriate. You don’t blame the person breaking the news for any of that. You have a right to protect from your family from any type of abuse inclusing emotional especially when he was guest at YOUR MOTHER’S house. Guests don’t come into other people’s homes and start saying crap like that to their family members on a major holiday that was supposed to be about thanks and togetherness.
I probably would have pulled a gun. He got away lightly.
Goodness. Is Jeanette all that fired up about having a friend that is rude and obnoxious?
I agree that if Jeanette still wants Harry’s friendship, she’ll patch it up with him.
Just knowing the facts as you’ve stated them, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Standing up for your sister was the right thing to do. She obviously didn’t know Harry was “that way” evidenced by her reaction to his inappropriate comment. Also, she was apparently just meeting him for the first time.
The important thing to consider is if your reaction caused any hard feelings between you and your siblings. It seems to me that that is the important relationship to consider here and Harry can fend for himself.
You don’t suck. You stuck up for your sister, and Harry didn’t disagree with your version of events. If Jeannette doesn’t want to be friends with him over it, that’s her decision, not yours, and not necessarily a bad one, either. You were being a good sister, and I for one think your guilt is misplaced. I can’t see where you did anything wrong. Cheer up!
Objectively, maybe it isn’t. Subjectively, seriously, I feel like I’m kicking a guy when he’s down.
My husband, who dislikes Harry, keeps saying, “He brought it on himself. He’s a jerk.” And I know that’s true. But I also know that everyone has their own demons, and most people deserve at least one friend.
I guess it’s pity, though I don’t feel condescending, just upset and sorry and frustrated and I’m also hungry because there weren’t any leftovers.
Dopers always make me see things in different lights, though. That’s why I post whiny OPs like this.
Ahhh, sometimes people say stupid shit and need reminders they need to watch what blurts out their mouths. Two days ago I sent a woman who’s a guest of my father’s storming out of the room with the following comment.
HER: Excuse me if my feet stink. I had to take off my boots. My feet are killing me.
ME: (slight pause) Oh, that was YOU? I thought maybe someone was burning tires down the street.
Your sister might be just as tired of his shit as this woman was of MINE. A separation, permanent or otherwise, might be just the wake up call the dude needs.
Harry’s problems are his problems. Just because he’s a misfit, has demons, or has a limited number of friends doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to treat people like shit.
Ok, Harry’s remark isn’t the remark of someone with Asperger’s syndrome or homeschooled or whatever-- he sounds like an oafish dick. He needs to learn how to deal with new people.
I don’t know this guy, but I’ve known a lot of social misfits in my day. I used to think the best thing to do was be nice to them and overlook their foibles, even though I didn’t care for them much. But the truth is, that’s treating them in a false manner, and they’re never going to learn to deal with real people in reality if everyone treats them falsely.
You did this guy a favor - you taught him the consequences of his comment. If you hadn’t, he would have thought it was okay to say things like this in the future. Now he knows better. Call it tough love or something.
there was a guy who hung with my crowd about 10 years or so ago. He was socially inept. Completely. I chose to ignore him. One of the crowd made him her project. It didn’t help. One of our crowd called him on every faux pas. That didn’t help. He eventually stopped hanging around with us. Some people are beyond help.
Think of it this way - Harry says shitass things. Harry gets the shitass consquences which he deserved. And the Balance is preserved. Don’t make his shit your shit, it’s not worth it, and it only get his hand dirty.
If he says something which is bad enough to make your sister cry, then by gosh you done nothing wrong to tell him off. Besides, your sister might already have made up her mind to have nothing to do with Harry after that incident.
If Harry deserves friends, then he shall have work on behaviours that will attract friends to him, and most importantly, keep them. It is his responsbility, not yours, to have a social circle. And how does he go around doing that when he just keep sprouting hurtful stuff from his mouth?
If Harry lost his only friend, there’s probably a good reason for it-he’s a jerk. Simple. Friendship isn’t a right. Anyone who makes my sister cry would NOT be worthy of my time or energy. Period.
So, let me get this straight… Harry said something extremely mean to Marjorie.
Now Jeannette doesn’t want to be friends with Harry because of it.
And Harry has no other friends because he’s been an ass to unspecified other people.
I don’t see jsgoddess anywhere. But hey, you say it’s your fault, who am I to argue? Oh, and do you think you could take the blame for the Iraqi insurgency, avian flu, and my flight being late on Wednesday, too? Thanks, you’re a big help.
jsgoddess:Martin Hyde has summed up my overall feelings on this as clearly and as succinctly as if I’d written 'em myself, but I do kinda dig where you’re coming from, too, what with the whole “kicking a fella while he’s down” vibe.
It says more about your good nature that you feel bad for costing a possibly irredeemable asshole one of his few (if only) friends. Give yourself a hug, and don’t beat yourself up too badly over it.
A. Jeannette actually said Marjorie was a bitch to Harry, in which case, Marjorie should have turned and slapped Jeannette.
B. Harry was making an inept attempt at making a joke.
Marjorie could have come up with a retort, “and you are her dickhead friend?”
Marjorie could also have said, “fuck you.”
Marjorie should have just laughed it off and left it for a conversation later.
Jeannette could have said, “thanks for blabbing.”
Jeannette could also have said, “Harry, what the fuck is wrong with you?!”
In other words, fault is with both sisters. Maybe they too could learn social graces and the fact that everybody got their panties in a bunch sounds like there is more going on than simply Harry being blunt.
I tend to agree w/ Dmark. I don’t mean to be cruel as you have indicated that you are a sensitive person, but why did you get involved? Did Marjorie come to you? I think you should have stayed out of it unless you were asked for assistance, in which case you should probably told your sisters to work on their assertiveness skills. So Harry’s a jerk, there seems to be little doubt about that, but from your own description of events, you only exacerbated an already unfortunate incident.
Don’t beat yourself up over this, just remember, a social faux pas is best handled by ignoring it, the band keeps playing and the merriment goes on.