Don’t feel too guilty you are under the influence of a drug produced when you carry on these online affairs. You are far from alone but hopefully you will recognize it for what it is worth and get yourself back together.
Very valid points. I seriously doubt my husband enjoys being cuckholded though, he’s just never been the jelous type. I attribute it to his unusually high level of self esteem, which is one of the traits that attracted me to him
Something similar happened before, many years ago, and my husband even knew I was hanging out with a guy friend. Hubs said, “I trust you,” and when this guy friend tried to confess his love for me I told my husband who told me to cut the guy loose, so I did. I respect his feelings, which is tantamount to me, even over my own.
I really respect my husband and his attitude about marriage. I come from divorced parents and his parents were til death did they part. Because of his religious conviction he believes marriage is an eternal binding commitment and he works hard with me to keep it strong. We’ve done couples counselling.
You had a flirting relationship with a man who wasn’t your husband, you expressed your erotic feelings toward him to him, you say you got a rush whenever he texted you.
This is cheating. He may not have put his wiener in you, but you emotionally cheated on your husband. These feelings you’re now feeling are either 1) Guilt over cheating on your husband or 2) You sorting out if you really want to be with your husband or take it further with the other guy.
If you really love your husband and don’t want to hurt him, just forget about having this other guy as your friend. End it. It’s crossed a line. If my wife did what you did, I’d be crushed.
This exactly. Every word.
No he doesn’t.
WtF does that second to last paragraph even exist? Of course I’m not deciding on wether to be with my husband or Guy Friend. That is Ludicrous.
And whatever line you and your wife have drawn in the sand about opposite sex relationships doesn’t have any bearing on male/female relationships as a whole. It’s attitudes like that which cause guilt for normal human behavior. That’s your hang up, not mine.
Let me quote to you from this incredibly inciteful article I read:
[Quote=Husbands Who Extinguish Their Wives' Libidos | HuffPost Women]
Men are naturally competitive. They don’t want to have to compete for a woman they’ve already won. Sure, they want the erotic thrills that come from seduction and pursuit. But they also want to know, now that they’re married, that they have a comfortable, safe haven to come back to. So they want to know that their wives are not attracted to strangers or attractive to strangers, at least not in a way that’s in any way unsettling. Also, if they want to pursue their own erotic thrills by finding women outside of the marriage, they don’t want to feel that their neglect of their wives will lead their wives to pursue other men in order to satisfy their own erotic needs. Much better, therefore, to subtly and even subconsciously extinguish her sexuality.
What ensues is the boring domestication that most married couples suffer. Two people who live in the same house, share a life, share kids, have perfunctory sex, but never make love. Two people who are married but never generate true erotic friction
[/quote]
Thank gawd my husband is more secure than that.
Trust me, he does. I’m pretty easy to please. Help with house chores, give me a card for special occasions, and give me a break from the kids every once in a while, plus crazy hot sex 3-4 times a week and I’m happy.
Only when those criteria start being neglected do I feel neglected. We talk about it, we respect each other’s viewpoint, and adjust our behaviour as necessary.
Our couples counselling last year helped tremendously with our ability to communicate when we are feeling dissatisfied without worrying about our egos getting in the way and causing offense
You are pretty much full of shit. You are still flirting with the Guy friend. You are trying to push the envelope. Perhaps even rationalizing going over the edge. Your disclaimer is a way for you to avoid responsibility when things go too far.
Telling a man about your erotic feelings for him has exactly NOTHING to do with how good your husband’s self esteem is. You are leading the guy on, but, fortunately for you, he didn’t toss you over; his silence was his trying to figure out how to keep from sabotaging the arrangement that you made to be with him. He understands that you have little to no self-control, (or perhaps a deliberate plan in mind) and that with just a little bit of effort, you will ‘accidentally’ have a few drinks too many and will sleep with him.
You crave attention, and you don’t care how you get it. (This isn’t a judgement-whatever you want to do, I have no dog in the fight, so, I don’t care what you do.) You may be suffering from middle-age crazy, or the seven year itch, or any permutation of the same. Perhaps you get off by doing this stuff, and then, contrite, telling your husband about it. Who knows? It’s not a common thing, I suspect. What I do suspect, however, is that you will be doing the horizontal mambo w/your buddy, unless your bizarre fantasies include your backing out at the last minute.
ETA: I forgot about the couples’ counseling. I think that it didn’t help, at least, not in a way to help your marriage. This is no reflection on you, tho; couples’ counseling is usually a complete waste of time.
Good luck.
There is a range of what kind of behavior is OK within a marriage, and what constitutes cheating.
Intense emotional involvement isn’t necessarily cheating. Spouses are never going to supply all the interpersonal things we need from other people, and some of these things are emotional in nature, and there’s nothing wrong with friends supplying them.
Extramarital flirting seems pretty common. I’m more than uncomfortable with it; I just can’t abide it. When I see other married people doing it, I’m a bit amazed. It’s similar to when I go through a yellow light I think I should have stopped for, and then see a couple more people behind me also go through it. I think it’s possible to stray into the flirting zone and then come back out and behave ourselves, but I think it’s dangerous.
Likewise confessing erotic thoughts. I bet for most of us this amounts to playing with fire.
You certainly sound like you have things to work on, and like you are aware of this. Some of what you say sounds like red flags, like you’re taking chances with the fidelity of your marriage, but it’s still possible you aren’t at great risk of cheating. I don’t think those of us outside your head can really know.
But I don’t think what you have recounted is cheating, and I don’t think emotional closeness with opposite gender friends is off limits.
I also think his response “No I’m good. […] kinds rambly” could perfectly well be in earnest. I think if I wrote that, I would mean it.
I agree. People do have lives and do get busy.
I guess it’s not this simple, but just try to stop the flirting. I wonder though then how much you will have to talk about?
See where your communication ends up with out the flirting, and find out if you two are really friends.
My best friend and beer drinking buddy is a woman I’ve know longer than my Wife. We are much like brother and sister and share pretty much everything.
@handsomeharry
I don’t drink, so yeah. You seem to have a very dank view of women in general, but your view is pretty understandable and culturally consistent.
@Napier
Thanks for that perspective.
@enipla
It is definitely worth cooling.the flirty flirts, he is a very interesting person and in know I at least would have plenty to talk.about without the other BS
If your husband were constantly texting an attractive female former classmate about a) your marital problems, and b) his erotic feelings for her, how would you feel?
April, I could take your original post, change a couple of minor details, and you would be my ex-wife. The same “need” to have other men attracted to you that is evident in your actions, the same “I get a rush from the supposedly innocent communications” and the same “but my marriage is perfect” denial of reality.
Notice that she is the EX now. Stop, just stop trying to rationalize this into something that is okay. It’s not. Quit cold turkey, or you will eventually wind up hurting a lot of people.
I’m not saying that no one is capable of having a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex without it getting weird. I think someone with adequate levels of self esteem, self control, and a somewhat normal ability to discern situations can do so. Based on your OP and subsequent posts, I don’t think you are that person at this point in your life.
Drama llama.
April, after reading through this thread I think I want to say you’re probably asking the wrong forum about this kind of thing. It’s clear your relationship with your husband and with others has some aspects which don’t fulfill a lot of general stereotypes about what behavior is appropriate to express which level of devotion or whatever. (I am basing this on the statements above that your husband is fully in the know about your communications and is not fundamentally opposed to them.) Personally I think that’s just peachy. But when you put it out on the internet, yay even the Dope, there’s this weird socially conservative back-reaction you’re going to get. No big deal ultimately but if you’re making yourself vulnerable at all by posting here, it’s not going to go in a healthy direction.
Hope that made some sense.
As to directly addressing the questions you’re asking in the the OP and elsewhere in the thread–I think the basic answer is you got more worried than you needed to, and remember that text conversations are sometimes very slow, and that a long pause could just mean someone is trying to word things carefully (which means they care about their relationship with you) or they broke their phone or they had to go swimming or something, see what I mean? 
Initially jealous, then ask him what fantasies he’s having, then do my best to fulfill them. Because, like I said before, I love sex and would like to participate in role play.
If it went beyond text or not in person talking, then we’d have more to talk about. There is very little he couldn’t come back from, except physically violent or child sex. Those two things are so distasteful to me it would instantly make him unattractive and sick in my eyes.
I’d want to know why he cheated and if it was to break things off that would be worse than an affair that happens because he was infatuated but not in love with another woman. If it ended up being another guy, we could still be friends but I wouldn’t stay married to him because I’m not attracted to bisexual or gay men
April the only way a physically and sexually able married man would be OK with his wife continuing her relationship with her male emotional fuck buddy is not because he has such a rock solid ego, but rather because (1) he is not that overly invested in your sexual and emotional fidelity as his wife (and that has its own subtext) or (2) because he’s getting off on it.
If your hubby has stated he is OK with you and your buddy continuing to maintain this this type of relationship and you are (obviously) excited that it will be moving forward that’s entirely between the three of you. This arrangement is effectively emotionally polygamous so us addressing advice-wise as a standard two person committed, exclusive marriage is kind of a waste of time.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be, especially if I avoid even trying 
Thanks Fry, you are always very thoughtful in your responses 