Definitely keep in touch with him - especially the sexting and all of that. And absolutely go visit him. You can totally handle it, and it’s great that your husband is cool with it. Most importantly, keep on posting in this thread, because it is an absolutely glorious trainwreck and I never want it to end.
So… how many years until I zombie resurrect this thread to tell my story (that did not involve having sex with my online male bestie that both my hubby and I met after I got over my lust that hubby knew about)? Oh, well. Might as well tell it.
Boring story… friend and I connected from a game, we yakked and yakked, I got to know him, called him (with hubby’s blessing because friend was ill) and my lusty dreams stopped because friend, while looking a lot like my husband… sounded totally wrong for all the lustful dreams I had for him. Met him with husband and 2 boys in tow… and he wasn’t near as cute as my husband. But by that time his looks were not a thing… and I still love him. As a friend. And my husband does as well simply because he knows how much I care about the guy.
Although there were a few months of “Friend better have a big enough truck to haul all of your stuff when he comes to get you.” Now he knows I am not going to run off and really never had plans to do so… he asks how the guy is doing. He is flattered that my friend and many, many movie stars who look similar to my husband… are the ones I get my thrills from. Yeah, I have a type and it’s my husband.
The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. In my case the other side had no job, lived at home (both of which is why he could play all day on the games we shared…) and was pretty much a gentleman in our messaging. I let Mistermage read our messaging and while there were a few “I would, if I could” flirty messages… the majority were just game playing info messages.
In our case Mistermage and I have enjoyed 20+ (almost 30) years together. So a bump was expected. And I told him about the guy I connected with who looked like him from the beginning.
I’m still friends with my bestie. But even before we met I knew he wasn’t going to be my white knight. I decided my husband would be that when I married him. And he knows that.
Unless we … errr. I… win a bazillion dollars from the lottery (which… I don’t play/buy but once a year) and then… I’m getting/paying for a 25 year old pool boy 
He plays now and then… his next wife can have the parrot who is more than 20 years old if she wants hubby. I already told him that )
Otherwise… hubby and I are hitched for the rest of my life (cos women live longer than men.) (Except I have sucky health so since 3 of his 4 best friends’ wives have died early… maybe he will be the one looking for a new life-mate.)
Posting this … not to tell people to have online “affairs” but to let those people know you can get over those fantasies. To tell them that fantasies are fun… but fantasies are not real. Real is not fun or roses all or any of the time but… it’s what you hold onto and build on.
You know, I was trying to think of a famous trainwreck to compare it with, and I totally blanked on one: I can think of shipwrecks, and plane crashes, and even some car crashes are pretty well-known but trainwrecks just don’t seem to hit the popular consciousness in quite the same way. Perhaps this thread will change all of that.
What on earth where you doing replying to him at 3am your time?
Do you think that is, literally and figuratively, the right message to send?
This seems like a really tough crowd – loads of criticism for April R, and having fun being cute about it too.
Well, ZipperJJ is perhaps the best exception. Yeah! What about this guy’s behavior? What about April being decent to and protective of April?
But still, a pretty tough crowd.
April, you seem to have a struggle on your hands, and you’re trying to figure it out and not do damage in the process, and you seem to have avoided hurting other people in the process or at least avoided any major disasters. That’s a good thing. You’re skating close to dangerous edges, but so far you’ve stayed on this side of them, and you’re pulling back, all of which is good. Many of us can’t say the same about our own struggles. Good luck with figuring it out with your network. Good luck with the rest of it, too.
I doubt the guy is doing anything quite so conscious. But he is testing your boundaries, April R. He’s sending you messages at crazy times to see if he can get you to respond. And you did. You scolded, but you responded.
Boundaries are really important things, and they can’t be external. They can’t be things that your husband has decreed or that society has decreed or that your religion has decreed. They have to be things that you have decreed. This and no further. Here is the line. This is my space. This is my limit.
We don’t set and keep boundaries to be mean, or to be good wives, or to look religious or righteous. We set boundaries because it’s healthy to have limits, and not healthy to discard them.
If you say “Don’t do that” and then that person “does that,” they are violating your boundaries.
It’s not okay for people to disregard your wishes, and it’s definitely not okay for them to then require that you also disregard your wishes in order not to be the bad guy. You don’t owe people something when they violate your boundaries.
That’s it, exactly.
This is perfect. As someone who is still struggling to establish and keep boundaries at 47, jsgoddess is right on the money. I have plenty of things to regret in my life, but not being able to do this consistently has wreaked havoc for me in more ways than one, for longer than I can express, therefore it’s definitely one of the biggest. I work everyday on correcting it. I only wish I had begun fifteen years ago.
I haven’t read more that the first page of this thread and the last one but here is my recommendation based totally on an unqualified opinion of a happily married man. Go watch a few Datelines and see how many of the “friendships” turn out. One, you’re completely fucking with a stranger’s emotions. I say stranger since you don’t know him and haven’t known him since high school. You yourself seem to understand that you have some emotional issues and a need for attention. You have no idea what this guy’s issues are and what kind of weird relationships he has gone through as an adult. In my opinion you could potentially be putting your life, your husband’s life, and even worse, your kid’s lives in the balance. That may seem harsh and unrealistic, but you’ve basically lured a complete stranger into strong feelings for you and then you tell him to turn them off. Sort of creepy that both of you keep playing this game.
I doubt he has strong feelings.
He is the one who said he wanted to be “just friends” and wasn’t totally on-board with me visiting, so I am pretty sure we’re safe. I don’t get the feeling he is or was invested in this whole thing as more than a distraction and way to pass time.
I’m not trying to jerk anyone around. I fed into the attention and he fed in to mine, it got way out of control but we didn’t consummate any thing.
My husband knows what happened and, apparently incredibly so, isn’t upset or angry or hurt. He said he was just disappointed I didn’t tell him how I was feeling sooner so we could talk about it.
I’m trying to cut off communication with guy friend WITHOUT completely abandoning the possibility of future friendship. That’s not me, I don’t cut people off because of my mistakes, that’s just awful.
I am taking a long Facebook and texting break to hopefully break this emotional hold this whole situation has over me. Chemical, whatever it was, I was enjoying the crap out of it, like a drug. So I’m avoiding the drug.
And you’ve replaced him with us. I feel so…used. :rolleyes:
I’ve gotta do something. I feel like crap. I have a big knot in my stomach, I’m super irritable and anxious.
Maybe it’s a mental detox? I don’t know, but whatever it is I don’t like it. I want to text him so bad.
I’m so stupid. 
Hi. AVID reader of this thread.
Just want to point out that by replying to him at 3:00 am when he’s drunk tells him he always has your attention. Probably not what you meant, but I’ll bet he sees it sort of like that.
If you decide to text him, might be good to point out that drunk texts won’t work next time.
Ok.
Hi April, long time viewer, first time responder. Love the show.
You need to wake up and smell the coffee, girl. You’ve got a hero at home so why waste time with a zero? This marriage is like a team sport, honey, and there ain’t no “I” in team. There is a “me” though, but that’s besides the point.
Ya know, I think this guy friend of yours needs a reality check. Go on and tell him that you ain’t gonna stand for his shenanigans no more. You are a strong proud woman and he’s just going to have to accept that.
So I say keep on keeping on. Go on with your bad self. We got your back here!
Start a one-way, anonymous conversation in LiveJournal, if it still exists. I’d suggest you email me at the address in my profile, except I remembered the password the other day. I need to change it to one I’ll forget better.
What, does nobody else keep an email account for those times you have to give an email address but you never want to check it? That’s mostly what I use my landline phone for, too.
Thanks Dr. Laura.
Seriously though, he didn’t do anything wrong.
Careful DZ, I may take you up on that offer. I doubt you could handle this bag o crazy.