This is unusual for me. I’m generally an honest person and, even if I weren’t, I am a terrible liar. If I set out to consciously tell a lie, I stammer and stutter and take a long time and look at the ground. If there is a simple way to tell if someone is lying, I will exhibit that behavior. And since telling even embarassing truths is better than being caught lying, I usually tell the truth.
Here’s what happened: Mrs. Pluto and I were shopping in the local mall. We went down to Sears and looked at their Vise-Grip pliers that were on sale, but they were out of stock and we had to get a raincheck. We walk out of Sears and Mrs. P. says she next has to stop at the Bon Marche and buy a new bra. Since I am generally unhelpful in this regard and as we are just passing Radio Shack, I volunteer to stop at Radio Shack and buy the cable we need to hook up our stereo video game to our mono TV set.
Now I know before I go in there that Radio Shack is going to ask for my address. But I don’t want any mail from them. I don’t want a catalog, a sale flyer, a special offer, a free sample, nothing at all. So I try to think of a way to get out of giving them my address. I’ve tried in the past to just refuse, but then they refuse to ring up the sale (and we really need this cable and I don’t know where else to get it). The OBVIOUS answer is to make up a fictitious address, but, like I said, I have this terrible time lying. It occurs to me that I could give them someone else’s address (my sister came to mind, I don’t know why) but that is still a lie and then someone else gets the annoying mail. So I realize I’m just going to have to sign up for some advertising. Ironically, while I’m waiting in line with my purchase, there’s a sign with a picture of the CEO of Radio Shack explaining that they absolutely must have your address but, if you sign a form, they will not send you any mail. (Hah! Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?)
So I buy my $2.79 cable and he asks me my name. I tell him. (Why?) And then my address. I tell him. (What a wimp!) He starts typing it in. He stops. He asks, “Was that 133rd Ave?”. It wasn’t, but at that moment my heart starts to pound, my breath gets short, I fell a rush of adrenalin – I can tell him A LIE! All I have to do is say yes!! No complicated stories, no details to verify, no way to get caught as long as I don’t faint dead away. I struggle with the word, but finally I get it out: “Yes!” He types it in, not realizing he has been duped! City? Zip Code? I tell him everything but it won’t do him any good. 133rd Avenue!! It will all end up at the Dead Letter Office!
I take my purchase, secure in my iniquity and walk with elation out of the store. You know, when you stop and think about it it wasn’t even really a lie! It was more like a misunderstanding – a miscommunication. And there was no controlling legal authority anyway. I misspoke. I only left a false impression.
Next time, though, I’m buying the bra!