I took my Christmas lights down....

because I’ve lost the urge for Christmas and I hate how they looked, and our power went out.

“…and one sequence blinked faster than the other and…”

…and I realized I was Jewish and…

…and the blinking lights gave me a seizure and …

…and one light goes out, they ALL go out and…

…and the Gamma Radiation they gave off is making me mean …green…and ANGRY!!!

BOSDA SMASH!!!

…and I scraped my knuckles when my hand slipped trying to change the string during a rainstorm and I got even more angry and…

…and I couldn’t get the damn things to twinkle anyway, even after I checked all 20,000 of the stupid things and…

… and once, last year, I realised that the blinking pattern was kind of hypnotic and then suddenly I realised that I’d been watching them for nearly seven hours straight and I had the oddest urge to go out and buy a llama …

… and the llama wasn’t house-broken and was ill-tempered and pulled all the lights down anyway …

… and besides, the city let me know that the traffic jams my displays caused in previous years were really stretching the budget for directing traffic through my neighborhood …

… and the airplanes mistakenly trying to land in my yard were too damn loud…

…and the center bulb was the wrong shade of red and the queer eye guys were gonna be appalled…

…and it was better anyhoo than to have to feed the whole hypnotized mob that gathers everynight in the front yard, looking at those blinking lights…

…and George Bush is evil because he didn’t leave me any turkey and because this one light bulb is trying to hypnotize my dog…

…and I was tired of the monkeys trying to decipher what the blinking lights meant, even though I’d told them the pattern came to me in a dream…

…and I realized that I’d put them on my neighbor’s house instead of mine by mistake…

…and I wanted to use the lights for GOOD and not EVIL! Where is Aquaman anyway??

… and I had to Re-Knot the entire string into a giant ball before I shoved them
back in the dusty box to be put in the attic…

…and I figured hey, why not poke these lights through a sweater, hook 'em up to a battery pack and annoy the hell out of holiday shoppers by looking better than they do…