After a life full of painful fits and starts, I finally found someone to love completely. We’ve had nearly three years of a very happy relationship. We’d see other people having problems, and I would always think, “Wow, I sure am lucky to have found someone so good to me.”
I appreciated the hell out of him, and he did of me. I was as committed and happy as I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t comprehend a future without this man in it.
But I have to now.
A week ago today, I got “the talk.” He’s confused, he doesn’t know if he can make a full committment with his damaged heart. He needs space, which I have given him, breaking my own heart in the process.
I’m lost and frantic and spinning out of control. I couldn’t post about it here - too painful. I’ve written about it on my personal journal site - if anyone cares to wade through the misery further, there it is. I warn you, it’s pretty self-absorbed.
But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know what to feel. I just remember being one of the lucky ones, and can’t help but feel that I was asking for it somehow.
I’m still in limbo too. He could yet come back. I just don’t know.
First off, I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I’ve been there, it’s tough, and without resorting to cliches, I’ll just say that it’s really bad right now but it will get better and you will get through it. Just take time for yourself, let yourself cry when/if you want to, and please, take care of yourself. Eat, get as much rest as you can, and be alone/be around friends as best suits you.
I will say just one word of advice, though: the “limbo” thing is, quite possibly, going to drive you insane. The uncertainty, combined with hope, combined with hurt, combined with anger, combined with self-doubt…it’s not pretty.
I’ve gone through that twice, and it was much, much, much harder than just making a clean break and walking away. If this does not resolve quickly, you might have to be the one to walk (no matter how hard or impossible that sounds) instead of getting yourself further hurt. That might be the only way to get closure and healing.
In the words of ParentalAdvisory above, trust me on this.
You should start by taking some control in the relationship. Right now, he has total control and that is not a relationship.
You need to lay the law for him.
Tell him straight out what you expect in the relationship and he can’t do that, then YOU dump HIM.
There is no reason for him to be treating you like this. He can’t commit because of his damaged heart? Did you damage it?
Lay down a time schedual for him to either commit to your relationship or get out. This, go out and have your space for however long you need it, is not going to work. Sooner or later his space is going be with someone else.
You are in charge of you life. Put your hands back on the wheel.
He may feel like his heart is damaged, but, believe me–you’re gonna come out feeling even more damaged if you let this limbo thing go on. I know it’s tempting to keep going in limbo mode, because it offers you hope. Unfortunately, that hope is most often false.
And, really, unless you force the issue, he has no real impetus to take you out of limbo. You may well have to be the one to cut him loose, not the other way around. I know that sounds hard–maybe impossible, even–but do it if he doesn’t give you a firm answer by some time that *you’ve *decided is reasonable. It’s so easy to let yourself get pushed around in situations like this, but that just causes more pain and misery for you. You’ve got to be good for yourself, and start thinking about what’s really in your best interests, whether or not this guy agrees with your decisions or not. Focus on taking care of yourself.
It’ll get better over time. Really, it will. In fact, maybe one day you’ll turn around and say, “I can’t believe I was with him for so long! How could I have been so blind!” And, even if you don’t–3 years in a genuinely good relationship is a lot more than a lot of people get in their lives.
Besides, a breakup is actually a good opportunity to rediscover lots of things about yourself that you may have submerged in the interests of keeping the relationship alive. Is there music that you like and he can’t stand? Places you want to go, things you want to do that your SO would never have put up with? Hey–now’s your time to revel in those things. Rejoice in those things. Do stuff with the friends you have that he hates. Oh, yeah–and, definitely, tell all your friends, any family members you love and trust–you’d be suprised how many people will be there for you.
Cowgirl Jules: I feel your pain. I dated a girl for eight years, until she finally got a steady girlfriend. Man, was I a sap! Then there is my recently-ex fiancée. We’d been frinds since high school. I asked her to marry me, and she said no. We stayed friends, though. Last summer she suggested I ask her again. I did. She said yes. We kept it a secret for months; she, because she doesn’t like her relatives, and I, because I felt it would be more dramatic to announce it at Christmas. She came out for Christmas. On Christmas Eve I produced a ring and asked her again. She said yes. A week after she went home, she called to say that she’s scared of giving up what she has and moving across the country again. I really thought I would finally get lucky (no not that way – although I’m ashamed to say how little play I’ve evern gotten), and then the rug was pulled out from under me.
Oh – I’m taping a video about a guy who has never been lucky in love. There is a chance meeting with a girl, and they fall in love immediately. Happy ending. The bugger seems to have written a story of my life – and added the ending I never got.
I’ve been there, it’s tough, and without resorting to cliches, I’ll just say that it’s really bad right now but it will get better and you will get through it. Just take time for yourself, let yourself cry when/if you want to, and please, take care of yourself. Eat, get as much rest as you can, and be alone/be around friends as best suits you.