My relationship with my girlfriend has hit the 1-year marker, and I personally feel that we are not that much closer after a year- in fact the more time that passes, the more things we grow to resent/dislike about each other simply by finding out more about ourselves.
Recently we went on vacation together. The intention of the trip was to celebrate the anniversary of us being boyfriend/girlfriend. The trip itself was enjoyable, but as for helping our relationship, it was a total flop. We bickered the whole time, and were so angry with each other over miscellaneous things that we didn’t talk to each other for the duration of the three-hour drive back home. When we got back, we talked on the phone to each other a few times but fought about stuff as well.
For the first half of our relationship, I was totally smitten by her. She wanted to eventually get married and have kids, and I was looking forward to that prospect. As time passed, I started to wonder if this was really the direction I wanted to take in life. There are some aspects of my life I like to plan out- my career, my budget, when I will get around to get a TB test, etc. But with other things, like a relationship, I want to take my hand off the tiller and just let it go where the current takes it. More time past, with her thinking about when she would like to get married, where it would happen and who she would invite. She even thought up names of her future kids. This made me feel like I was just a part of her dream, and not a mutual one.
As such, the relationship started to become a matter of unwritten obligation. As I am a person who loathes being sucked into doing things I’m not 100% comfortable with, I began to wonder if the relationship was doomed to failure.
So now I am in relationship limbo. We’re still together, but I’m not quite sure either way how I want to take things. Right now she hasn’t talked to me for a couple of days and I wonder if it is a sign of things to come.
Do I recall correctly that you’re living a couple of hours away from each other? That can be enough of a distance to put a strain on a relationship. How much had you been seeing of each other the last couple of months before your vacation? Anything else going on in either of your lives to increase tension (job/unemployment stress, moving, family hassles)?
We usually see each other 2 weekends a month. School has started up again for her, plus she has a part-time job. One thing I think has hurt the relationship is our collective unwillingness to move in together just yet- she doesn’t want to risk things going sour and having to move back home, potentially comprimising her education because of a relationship. And I don’t want to move there because I like my current job/school district and I too am in a stable financial situation that I’m not willing to upset. So both of us have this kind of ‘truce’ about the matter until she graduates.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a whole lot of faith in the phrase, ‘Things will be better when ‘this’ happens.’. I want things to be better now. I don’t want to necessarily say that I think the relationship is over; but her and I will agree we are unhappy about the current state of affairs- I wish circumstances will allow the two of us to either get along better or to seperate amicably, whichever is more feasable.
You didn’t exactly impy this in your OP but it’s a gut feeling I got anyway reading it.
If you feel like she’s manipulating you or if she’s talking to you like you’re a child…
Run, run, run away!
Also, people say I’m an ass for thinking this but…
People please, wait untill you’re al least 30 before you get married. Here’s why from the OP’s post:
I don’t know how old you are Incubus but trust me. You will not be the same person in your thirties as you are in your twenties. Which can be a BIG problem if you get married that young.
I’ve been with Hardship™ for nearly four years. Last year was hard. I dont know how we managed it. She’s very demanding, and sometimes it all feels too much for me. I always say, ok Bub, the next big fight, thats it. End game. But, when we do fight, I always find myself fighting to hold on to her.
Maybe this is not so much Love as it is dependancy.
I get the feeling that if I didnt really love her, she’d be long gone. And whoever said it was an easy row to hoe? Love is hard. If you didnt love this girl, you wouldnt be with her. And if you love her enough, then you’ll find a way to make it work.
No reason why you should be happier than the rest of us
Over the years my relationship philosophy has crystallized to absolute certainty. For me, to date and spend time with someone and get to know them really, really well is done for one reason: to see if they’re a good fit; to see if it’s a good match for the long haul, to include marriage, kids, whatever. If, as time passes, it becomes evident that that’s not the case, why waste any more time?
That doesn’t mean it’s a “bad thing”; it just isn’t a good fit, and logically (I know, I know, logic doesn’t always come through at times like this) you want to move on to try and find someone who is that good match.
It’s not rocket science, but it’s served me well. When I met The-One-And-Only, at about the one year mark, there was no doubt about moving forward… none. The match was good. It sounds to me that in your case, there’s plenty of doubt lurking.
Obviously I can’t tell you what to do, but I know what I’d do in your situation: bail.
My one piece of relationship advice is, don’t talk to us, talk to her.
If you’re just moaning about it then moan quieter, but if this is something that really matters, the only solution is to talk to her and figure out a solution.
Okay, I’ll throw in my $.02. What set off alarms for me about your story, Incubus, was the M word. I was in a relationship for 19 months, and in our stunning naivete my then-girlfriend and I decided about 4 months in that we knew we were going to get married in a few years. I managed to become unenthralled with this notion eventually, but she didn’t, paralleling your situation. What happened in my case was, we had become attached to the idea of getting married rather than to each other, and that prevented the relationship from developing as it should have, which in turn led to the breakup.
Now, I don’t know if the same applies to your case, but I do advise you to take marriage out of the equation. Making lifelong plans like that in one’s early 20s is a toweringly bad idea.
This sounds very familiar to what I go through. About 3 months ago, her and I were particularly nasty to each other- no phone call could end without us having a fight about something or other. I was getting fed up and sent her a text message saying I wanted to spend 1 week not talking to each other just so I could evaluate my own personal stake in the relationhip, and whether it was worth continuing. After 3 days, I started to regret my decision, feeling that I shouldn’t have shut her out. When I called her back, it was apparently too late- she wanted to break up with me. She had torn down the pictures of me and threw them in the garbage, the whole nine yards. I was kind of surprised but ambivalent about our fate. If she really wanted to break up with me, that was fine by me. After a day of being ‘broken up’ she called back and said she changed her mind.
This incident made me kind of feel that while we feel unhappiness toward each other, we do remember and enjoy the good moments we share. Its not like things have gone downhill, but rather that they’re more complicated than we care to have them be. I really like her family, when I visit them they really make me feel welcome. This makes me wonder about all the good things about the relationship that are harder to quantify than the bad things. If we broke up, there would be a lot to the relationship that I would miss. I know this sounds mean, but I wouldn’t go through the effort of driving over there every other weekend if we were ‘just friends’. I put through the effort because I love her.
Just something for you to think about, Incubus - are you in this relationship to be in a relationship, or are you in it because she’s a very special person to you, and your love, respect, and trust for her mean you’d be willing to work through rough spots and the stress of a semi-long-distance relationship? Do you go through the effort of driving because you love her, or because you’re in a relationship?
My advisor back in grad school was reknowned in the field of social psychology, specifically interpersonal relationships. She talked often about the power of “habit” in a relationship, and how due to just forming expected “patterns” in interacting with someone - even very negative ones like fighting - you could find that you miss it when you’re gone because it’s what you’re used to, and without these patterns in your life you feel out of sorts. So did you two get back together because you were too worried about being alone?
Only you can really know these answers; I’m not suggesting one way or the other, I assure you. I’m just pointing out questions to ask yourself.
