When I was a wee kid, I came down with a wicked case of tonsilitis just a few days after I had visited the dentist. I mean I was sick. Everytime I swallowed it felt like I was swallowing a quarter and my throat itched maddeningly.
And I had feverish dreams. The zany kind of feverish dreams that you expect more from an episode of Gilligan’s Island after Gilligan get’s bonked on the head.
The itch in my throat and the recent visit to the dentist conspired to give me a loop of dreams in which I was desperately trying to get ahold of the dentist’s suction vacuum to relieve my tonsils of the itch. I realize that would actually hurt like all hell, but I was feverish and this is the crazy notion my brain was churning up in fever mode.
In my feverish dreams I desperately wanted to vacuum my tonsils… Must vacuum tonsils… Must vacuum tonsils…
These strange fever-induced nightmares must have had a profound effect on my psyche because whenever I’m sick, especally if I have a sore throat and/or fever, I dream about wanting to vacuum my tonsils.
So I got to thinking…
What if you had a nose vacuum?.. You’re sick you’re stuffed up, your choice is to carry around tissues that get all gross… and spread disease with your hands that touch the tissues… Or worse, you carry a filthy hanky in your pocket <pukey smiley here>! … Yuck!
What if instead, you attached a custom fitted hose to your face, take a deep breath and and then with one big one big —HOOOOOOOONK!-- the vacuum would drain your entire sinuses!
There you go, all clear! Toss out the little disposable vacuum baggie. Repeat if necessary a few hours from now. It’s cleaner, no trail of tissues littering the house, instant relief.
You’d just have to be careful that you didn’t set the suction too high and suck out your brain.
They’ve got 'em, and no electricity or batteries are needed.
Just use a baby’s snot bulb. You can get them at any Wal-Mart or drugstore for a couple bucks.
Now for the gross part.
When Aaron was 2 weeks old or so, he got a nasty cold. He couldn’t breathe, and every time I managed to clear out his nose, it would refill. We ended up taking him to the hospital, where he was admitted so the nurse could clear his nose with the vacuum. When we checked out the following morning, the container was about a third full with snot and saline.
Late last night, I started to feel that ichy throat thing. Today…allergies, sore throat, headache…ichy eyes.
Man I would buy one of those gadgets if it would only stop the allergy stuff! Instead…I get to face a doctor in a few days because I already know this minor irritation will turn into a full blown sore throat which will cause the ears to ache, and turn into an upper resp problem :mad:
One nostril stuffed up. Other nostril flowing like a river.
Neither a pretty sight nor conundrum: do I blow out the runny one and risk rupturing the stuffed up side, or do I snork in the runny side and risk rupturing the stuffed up side?
Either way, I have a whole box o’ tissues and hand sanitizer with me. And I’m breathing through my mouth.
I once told somebody I knew who was studying to be a nurse practitioner that I wanted to vacuum my nose when I had a cold, and she said it’d just fill up again. It wasn’t terribly encouraging, even if it was honest.
However, there is something that does work. Afrin. Or a store knock-off. The catch with this stuff is I ONLY use it at night and only for two or three nights running. It lets me get at least a few hours of semi-decent sleep, which is better than a few hours of such horrible sleep I might as well not have bothered. During the day I suffer, since I have yet to find something that’s supposed to clear my head which does even half of the job.
Even if it stings my nose, it is so damn good. I love my nose spray.
I’m a couple days ahead of you here, honey. Went to the doctor yesterday with my sore throat and achy ears. I’m hacking up all kinds of icky stuff. Serves me right for looking forward to spring. grrrr
Now why didn’t I think of a Honker Hoover? The only idea I came up with was a Nasal Roto-Rooter, and they sorta have them.
I wonder if you can buy one of those vacuum tubes for the nose from a medical supply store. For whatever reason, my allergies are in abeyance right now (and that’s despite the fact that I haven’t taken my meds in weeks), but I anticipate ragweed season with dread.
I spent the past week sick with whatever it is that’s going around - my face ached, nose all stuffed, and gunk running down my throat and causing a cough. Gaah. I’m very close to over it now, thank goodness. Coulda used a nose vaccuum.
My sister has one of these for her son. I can’t watch when she does it. The boy has pooped, peed and puked on me and I just laugh it off and change my shirt, but for some reason that little snot sucker makes me gag.
I’d always pictured it as a syringe sort of thing, without the really long needle. At least that way you don’t need a power source, only yourself. Let’s be honest, one of these days, the battery on that Honker Hoover is going to die at an inopportune moment, and then what are you gunna do?
I’ve always wanted to invent and install a stainless steel valve of some sort in the middle of my sinuses to direct all that nastiness out a tube of some kind. It might require an external source of suction such as the Honker Hoover- I guess I hadn’t considered that part!
Eats_Cratons… Did you want to patent some kind of coupling that hooks up to your product exclusively? I’m imagining the kind of connection like on an airgun or impact wrench at an automotive garage. It could even be decorative right there in the side of your nose. Gold plated as an option!
Now, what to do with the leftovers? They say that eating snots is good for you, so should we be capitalizing on the gallons of UR goo and make a health drink out of it? A mixer for vodka?
I was just going to mention the “wigger sucker”. We used to sing a little song to my boy when we sucked the snot outta him:
What does a baby boy
have up his nose? (do-do-do-do)
An eight-foot Wigger.
It was really kind of catchy, and distracted him from the fact that his folks were sucking massive quantities of funk out of him (which isn’t pleasant).
Hey, I do NOT eat “cratons”. They broke me of that nasty habit back in kindergarten.
Actually, my device will be far more brilliant. I am going to find some way of using the galloons of goo to power a generator that will refresh the power supply of the Honker Hoover. Therefore, the worse you feel as far as nasal congestion the greater the guaranteet that your Honker Hoover will be fully charged!
This addressed Dr. Love’s question as well.
I shall be rich and hailed as a kind and generous dictator – oops! I mean, er, “generous benefactor” – who has provided sinus relief (though fleeting it may be as the cranium refills itself) to my fellow humans.
Dopers will of course get a discount on the price of $1,000 per unit.
I may very well have to licence that ditty from you for the marketing campaign. My people will talk to your people. I’m sure we can come to a suitable agreement.
I’m thinking of starting with radio, then graduating to a television ad campaign, I just need to finalize our animated brand character. Originally, I thought of “Mr. Booger”, but I must confess “Mr. Wigger” has a better ring to it!
I just need a good product tagline. “It sucks!” was my first idea, but I think that could be misinterpreted in far, far too many ways.
