Don’t poison the squirrel. If it dies out of your reach, a) other animals could consume the body and be poisoned, b) it’ll decide to kick off secretly in your attic, and stink to heaven.
I vote for a .22, if you can shoot safely (“humane” can be debated, but a clean shot is a pretty instant death). Otherwise a live trap.
FWIW, I’ve had terrible luck with live traps, so had to resort to stronger measures.
My wife says lots of stuff too! “Please don’t kill the diseased vermin dear, please stop choking the neighbor, please don’t say that about my mother” I try not to listen. When I want to have fun I wait until she’s not around then I do my stuff. My squirrel problems turned into thunderous pink clouds while she visited her sister one year. They came back but that’s OK 12ga. shells are cheap and she visits her family regularly. Making the squirrel “someone else’s problem” can be very inhumane. Indigenous squirrels generally attack the new intruders sometimes to death. In a completely exaggerated way this reminds me of the ALF releasing 6500 fur farm minks into the English countryside in 1998 their good intentions caused a domestic and wildlife crisis of epic proportions
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Mine all pass away mysteriously of lead poisoning. Those that survive the cat, anyway.
I hate the fuckers.
We have a chalkboard in the kitchen that we use to keep a tally. We draw little squirrels with lines through them.
The solution to your problem is simple: Get a good quality airgun of appropriate power level and kill it. Then lie to your wife.
A word of caution:
My parents have been battling these tree lice for years. Mom would trap them live and then call the city animal control office who, allegedly, would take the them to a happy place for release. So, Mom has a stroke and Dad has to take up the standard. He catches one, makes the call, puts the trap in the usual place (in the shade at the front of the house) and then goes to a (very long) doctor appointment. Animal control doesn’t show up for hours during which the sun moves so that the tree rat is getting hot. Mom sees the whole thing but is house bound and, besides, she figures AC will be there soon.
When the jerks at AC finally show the, cute little rodent is pronounced dead (or so they say). My Dad is left a summons. In the end he has to go to court, is threatened with arrest (5 years) and fines ($5,000?, something outrageous).
End result, for catching a public nuisance, is a $500 fine and a warning, I think. Dad was so livid he wouldn’t talk about it. The important thing was that a solid citizen was taught to hate and fear his government.
Yeah, those live traps work pretty good. Just remember to tie a string to it before you chuck it in the river.
Funny you should say that…
My brother had a hell of a problem with squirrels – tearing the yard, getting into the attic, etc. Finally, enough was enough. He bought a humane trap, caught the little bugger, and drove him a couple of towns over, releasing him in a park.
Trouble was, he was replaced a few days later by another squirrel. So my brother repeated the process – trap, drive, drop off. And the process repeated on him – new squirrel a few days later.
After a few go-arounds of this, my brother started noticing a certain…familiarity with the bugger. So he took a can of orange spray paint and shot a spot onto his tail before dropping him off.
Three days later he was back, orange tail and all. It was the same damn squirrel each time, making his way back “home”.
My brother then said “hell with this” and dropped the caged squirrel into a full garbage can of rainwater. Didn’t want to do it, but as he discovered, driving them to a different area doesn’t change what the squirrel regards as “home”.
Fox urine. Predator urine scares off pests. You can get it powdered.
I’ve done alright with bone meal where they dug in my garden. It stinks a bit for two days, then your flowers bloom better and the squirrels are gone.
Holy shit. No squirrel is worth a stroke. I say you should just move to a different house.
You don’t know how much my Mom hates those things. They have battled for years over the pecans from her two trees. So far, Squirrels: 1, 035, 821, Mom: 0. She was weakened by the ,unrelated, stroke but unbroken. When the squirrels brought in the lawyers that was the last straw I think.
When you talk like that - the squirrels win.
Depending on where the OP lives, this may well be illegal. Check with your local animal control people about whether you can do that legally.
“humane”, I don’t think the word means what many of you think it means.
There are many companies that will relocate animal pests for you, you can probably find one in your area by googling. Put it on someone else and everything, including the squirrels fate, is out of your hands. If they do relocate just make sure they take it far enough away. As for your house, I am pretty sure there are materials you can use to squirrel proof once you get the guy out of your attic.
If your house and yard are attractive enough then it’s probably unlikely that this is a lone squirrel.
One more testimonial for the fox pee. We use the liquid real thing (sold at feed stores) around our garden. (We don’t mind them in the trees.) It works like magic. We have never seen a single squirrel in our garden, even with a backyard full of squirrels.
Have we learned nothing from The Fantastic Four? He’ll just get exposed to cosmic radiation and come back with superpowers.
The county ag agent told me relocating squirrels is inhumane. Drop him in some other squirrel’s territory, and the interloper will be chased down and killed. The critter is better off with a pellet gun shot to the skull.
Or, buy a party ball and invite over your friends. Once the tree rat is in the trap, take turns peeing on him, until he drowns. 
One more thing: it’s a squirrel. Just kill it already.