FUCK.
I am writing a paper about something that I don’t really even understand.
No, let me rephrase that. I understand it in the most simplistic terms. And that’s fine. I get what the cognitive and physical paradigms within information science are, but I’m having a hell of a time writing about them.
I’ve been working on this paper for a week and a half. About three hours a day. I got a page and a half writtten, and realized I was going off incompletely the wrong direction and started over last Thursday. I worked on it Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday AND I’ve been working on it since 7:30 this morning. I just started page three. Thank the fucking lord that the due date has been pushed out to Friday instead of Tuesday because at the rate I’m writing I’ll be finishing it at 11:59 Friday night, when I’m supposed to be at my parents’ house to leave for this trip to Memphis that mom wants to make during the first four days of spring break.
Spring break…yeah, that’s a joke. I’ll be writing a paper and doing the reading for the following week. How the hell do people manage to go places and enjoy themselves for spring break? Even as an undergrad I always had so much due just after the break that actually relaxing was not something that was going to happen.
This just pisses me off. It’s not like I’m procrastinating on assignments. I’m starting them well ahead of time, putting thought and research, blood, sweat…whatever into them. Am I just to damn stupid to get through this? Maybe I was an idiot for even wanting to go back to school. I could have been a corporate drone for the rest of my working life and survived*.
The worst thing about this is that my writing style tends toward the short and concise, but what I got from the remarks on the first paper is that more…descriptive language is desired. Which is why I’m struggling to get to where I need to be with this.
And I’m fucking starvign and need some lunch badly. But I also need to write, and get at least through the third page before I go off and eat anything. I did eat this morning, but stupid human body requires energy input at somewhat regular intervals. Piece of crap.
*ok, so I hated my job. And I know that’s why I’m back in school. I’m just in misery over this assignment.
Well, at least you aren’t in the workforce. Heck, that’s why I’m in law school. It might suck for stretches at a time, but there are also some lulls. There aren’t many jobs you’ll get where you can take a nap in the afternoon, or head home for lunch to catch your favorite soap opera, etc.
Life is downhill once you get that first 8 to 5 job. You went out and worked, hated it, so you went back to school. You did the smart thing. Joining the workforce is intellectual death and the end of all that’s fun in the world. I’m putting off as long as possible. I suggest you do the same and just enjoy the ride.
Oh…I write “directly” myself. Which is fun for philosophy papers which are expected to ramble a bit. (Or in my opinion a lot.)
The technique I’ve come to use is to write the paper out the way I want to, covering all my points, making happy little paragraphs, etc. Then, when I’m ‘done’ and have half the number of pages required, I go back through and repeat everything using different words. And add adjectives. Lots of them. And quotes. And examples.
Don’t know if it’ll help, but you can give it a shot.
Hell, I work at the university where I get a lot of great benefits (but not the great pay I’d get in the private sector) in a job I enjoy, but I still miss grad school.
At the time I was stressed out like you seem to be, but realized after a bit that it (1) wasn’t as difficult as many of the other students made it seem and (2) that it was perversely easier the more relaxed the manner in which you approached the courses/coursework. I don’t know about your program, but much of the difficulty (for lack of a better word) of the English program I went through was politically inspired. Figuring out the politics of the department helped me figure out the paths to choose. If that makes sense.
Some people think I’m crazy, but I’d love to have another shot at it. (No doctorate for me, though, thanks.)
I honestly have no idea if this is advice or pointless reminiscing. Sorry
Yeah…this class is a theory class and basically acts like a philosophy class. Your example is basically what I’m trying to do, but seven years of business writing has beaten that out of me that it’s like fighing my instincts to go back and restate what I already said once.
The paper’s about the physical and cognitive paradigms of information and how they cope with information as a theoretical object. The worst thing is…it’s interesting stuff, I just hate writing about it.
But I think I’m going to have to go get some lunch before I can even consider writing anymore. I’m starting to disturb people with my stomach growling.
I don’t know about you, but I did it for the chicks and prestige. You mean you’re not worshipped as a god and legions of undergraduate women aren’t throwing themselves at you?
I’ll send you a postcard before I come back from Fantasy Land.
Please though, go eat something and relax for a bit. You’re not accomplishing anything right now and deserve the break.
Yeah, sure ya didn’t.
Ok, I ate. I have 2.5 hours before I need to be elsewhere, which means that I will have spent 9.5 hours today working on this paper. It is going to get done today, isn’t it?
Rub it in why don’t you.
I don’t recall if I congratulated you then, but hooray Cranky!
And Lsura, I’m with you on how much it sucks at times, how tempting it is to get out, and how easy it is to second-guess your decision to continue with school. I go through on a weekly if not nightly basis. But I’m sure you stick with it for the same reasons I do: I’ve come too far to quit now, I really like what I’m researching, and I don’t know when I’ll ever have this opportunity again. Good luck with the paper, and I hope you get to relax a little on spring break.
I think I’m just starting to get the hang of getting through grad school and keeping at least a modicum of mental health. I’ll let you know when I’ve got it all worked out. which might happen pretty quickly–
–by geological standards.
I wish I knew something about what your paper is on; I’d offer my help. But I’m completely clueless.
Heck, I have problems understanding my own research.
Not that there was any point to this post, but it kept me from having to write a description of my project for about 10 minutes.
Hey, Lsura, here’s another person wondering why he’s in grad school!
Gods, it’s a pain. I’m love the material and and deeply interested in it, but man, SO MUCH INFORMATION!! I spent most of last night trying to finish an article about the transition between the Middle to Upper Paleolithic period (when there were anatomically modern humans and Neandertals co-exisiting) and what caused the “upper Paleolithic” revolution. I had to stop every 30 mins. just to give my brain a rest! For those who are wondering, we don’t know, at present, what caused the revolution. It happened between 45000 and 35000 YBP (years before present). My guess is that Neandertals and H. sapien sapien interbred and Neandertal subsumed into H. sapien sapien populations.
No, you’re not stupid, but I bet the problem is information overload. So much stuff you have to digest and then synthesize. I’m sure you’ll do fine. Remember to take breaks and but then, get back to the material. Also, regular sleeping and eating is helpful, too.
About two and a half years ago, I remember your pain. I had to write a 15-20 page on the systematics of platyhelminthes, comparing the usefulness of molecular vs. morphological markers. Halfway into the paper, I realized I didn’t know what the hell I was writing about.
I finished the paper 2 weeks in advance. But like a stupid fool (and I mean STUPID), I only had the file saved on a crappy 3.5 floppy disk. You guessed it…when I decided to transfer the file to my computer, it wasn’t on the disk anymore. Apparently, I had accidently deleted it. I was so horrified that I seriously contemplated suicide (either that, or I dropping out of school and becoming a bus drive). But I kept my head and reproduced the paper 24 hours later from memory.
Flash forward to today. No papers (except for the Big One, which I’m doing at leisure). No real crises. No having to pretend I know stuff that I don’t know. Now I wish I could be in graduate school forever, but alas, I only have a year left. It gets better, I promise.
I am writing from the outside looking in … I have been working for the last 7 years and have made the decision to return to school to get my PhD (still waiting to hear back on acceptance). I don’t know if this will be of any help, and it may come across as cliche, but I encourage you to remember the great privilege you have to be in such a position to gripe about Grad school. I know, I know, “what a great privilege to be slogging away on something I don’t even understand, and being forced to write in a way that denies my better instincts.” Just try to remember that Grad School is a game that requires certain compromises, much like any other endeavour you may choose to pursue. Those compromises are only as devastating as you allow them to be. Choose the elements that you are unwilling to compromise on (content, original thought, integrity) and cut yourself some slack on the others. It’s okay to play the game somewhat because this education is training you to be able to do exactly that … to produce within a world that will constantly require compromises and ask you to negotiate within a structure you may not entirely agree with.
I am presently working in a developing country, with brilliant young people who, for the most part, will never have the chance to dedicate themselves intellectually to the issues they care most about. They simply will never have that luxury (not that they all desire this). It is part of the reason I am compelled to take advantage of the education available to me.
You need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally (eat well, sleep well, exercise, play) so that you can produce intellectually. Being worn out in the body plays havoc with the mind.
You have no idea how much this made me laugh - one of my classes discusses “information overload” a LOT. Heck, we’re going to be information professionals (well, some will be librarians)…that’s the kind of thing we talk about.
Anway, I had lunch, went back, worked until 5, went to the meeting I was supposed to go to and came home. Once I was home, I decided that I didn’t need to work on that paper anymore today and that tomorrow would be soon enough. It will get done before it’s due. I know that…but this semester feels like it started at a 100 yard dash and hasn’t stopped yet. I’m almost hoping I don’t get a GA that starts this summer - that way I have to take the summer off and just work 40 hours a week with the temp agency. Then come back in the fall all ready to be a 4.0 student again.
And kali, I know how incredibly lucky I am to have the opportunity. My last job involved travel to manufacturing facilities in developing nations, and the incredible difference between rich and poor - and between what I have (even not having worked since August) and what they have is amazing.
I feel your pain. I’m about 60% of the way through my master’s thesis right now. If it’s any help though, the light at the end of the tunnel is beautiful! I thought I’d never see it this time last year, but it does go quickly.
Good luck with your paper!
This is the pit, so… fuck you, logistic regression, bah! OK, back to making graphs and tables.
