I was on NPR talking about black marriage (Talk of the Nation 3/24/11) [edited title]

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Let’s see if I get it… someone thought that “the situation of marriage among Black folk is so worrisome it ought’a get its own day”? And you got to speak about it, which means I’ll have to make a note to listen to you (can’t at work, got a doc’s appt today which is likely to run quite late) and you were horribly reasonable how dare you?

I wonder whether the head of that lady would hurt horribly if anyone pointed out to her that her notions of “traditional Black marriage” are relative novelties. Lots of Black families in the world are in polygamous areas (both Muslim and animist), it hasn’t been so long since Blacks weren’t allowed to marry in the US - and there are still people of all colors who get up in arms at the thought of interracial marriage.

22

Having listened to and read it now (love that the transcript doesn’t “clean up” the actual original text), some of the things you say make me think of the reasons that used to be given for Basque-area people to get married later than people from other areas in Spain: Basque “matriarcate”, which actually means having a relationship betwen equals where the spouses are with each other “because they want each other, not because they need each other”, it was a “matriarcate” only by comparison with our patriarcal neighbors.

And those LTRs with no papers, well, again, the paperwork part of marriage is relatively recent for Christians. In Spain (and in the western world in general) it’s becoming more and more common to delay the paperwork; I’ve known many couples who delayed it until they were going to try for children, others who didn’t wanted to get married until they could put in that 20% down without asking their parents for help (either money or in the form of signing the loans along their children), at least one who doesn’t get them because becoming “a married woman” would limit her professional options (her grandmother will ask her questions such as “if you and your husband did papers, how would it affect your taxes?”); I’ve known couples who got pregnant in an oops and either one or both made the decision to not get married (the reasoning being along the lines of “being pregnant doesn’t mean you have to enter a marriage that you wouldn’t enter if you weren’t pregnant”). So from my point of view, the paperwork-delay is something which is quite general: African-Americans are a specific study group and have their own characteristics, but many of the trends seen there are actually quite general.

23

Just now finally had the chance to listen to the segment. You handled the questions really well. It was great to hear a nuanced view of a topic that is so frequently handled in sound bites.

(It’s also amusing to hear a voice when you’re used to seeing writing. You have a deeper voice in real life than you do in writing. :smiley: )

24

What exactly is Black Marriage Day? From googling it seems to be a day celebrating black marriage (as opposed to single parent households) but what does that mean, to celebrate black marriage?

25

Awwwww, shooooot! Go on 'head, Hippy!

Man, you sounded great. Great job! Hey, what the hell is Tracy’s problem? Does she think that anyone who disagrees with her is ‘self centered’. Fuck that noise.

Anyway, I agreed with your viewpoint wholeheartedly, and I’m so glad to see you out there doing the real deal black myth bustin’.

26

I haven’t checked any of the links to listen in, variant views on marriage are beyond my ken to comprehend really, but I can’t see why it would be a complex issue, or even any issue at all.

What a strange world we live in, that two people can’t just marry if they want without others getting in their way.

27

Hippy, that was one of the three article I have missed this year. I will track down the pod-cast.

However, I understand that a sub-culture [if ‘sub-culture’ hasn’t become an offensive phrase] that was historically denied legal recognition of their marriages might be a bit sensitive about the importance of their marriages being dismissed.

No, the problem is that they can only generate “decent” hate-mail.

Unless we get some ugly feed-back about Jerry Springer on ‘Wait, Wait’.

28

You need to listen; the complexity is well-explored. And if humans are involved, I am never surprised to find that something is more complex that it appears to need to be. Same as it ever was.

29

The problem seems to be that some people want to live together, raise kids together, and yet not get “married”, and for some reason that bugs other people.

30

I had a listen, and yes, I see I got the wrong end of the stick. But I still don’t really understand. Surely that’s the opposite of my other point, and it’s their own choice. It didn’t seem to be talking about single parenting, just unmarried couples.

Anyhoo, I remain unqualified to really comment.

31

Finally listened to it - what a good interview! You did a great job at dealing with the callers, too.

32

Wow. Great Job! And thank you for thinking of me. It’s easy to feel overshadowed and unnoticed amongst all of the intelligent, accomplished people on our humble message board.

I am a NPR listener, but I missed the broadcast. Thank you for bringing it to my attention though. I really enjoyed the interview, and the subsequent “hate mail”. Suffice it to say you can safely ignore anyone lawyer who signed their mail with, “attorney at law” or, “esquire”, or anything like that. I am planning to buy your book. Is it more beneficial for you if I were to by your book from any particular place?

PS. Don’t forget to plug your book.

33

Nava: In the United States when we say black in this context we usually mean African American. So while Black History Month might include a little information about Africa the bulk of it is spent on African American history.

Hippy Hollow: I found your discussion to be interesting and gave me something to think about. On another vote I have decided that you may no longer reply with written word to messages here. You must instead upload a recording of your answer so that we can hear your awesome voice.

34

Yeah, and sometimes when you say African American you mean Black… I didn’t explain myself clearly, but the thing is, some of those African American people aren’t the children of slaves any more, those who are often got the notion of what “a proper family” is from their owners - and whether someone who’s African American is descended of slaves who acquired their masters’ notions of family yet were forbidden from having them, or from people who moved to the US of their own free will, “traditional Black families” are about as realistic as “(white) 50s families”. Both are cookie cutter molds which don’t reflect the actual reality they want to represent very well.

35

Irishman… I guess because I didn’t parrot her perspective, that makes me an enemy of the Black community. Which I belong to… oh, wait…

Nava, I think your point generally stands. Historically (and currently) oppressed groups do indeed rebel against what the power majority supports quite often. This explains a lot (not all, but a lot) of the reasons why some poor people, especially poor Black people in the U.S. have an oppositional view toward education, or moving out of oppressed communities… the thinking is that they were not welcomed or invited to be part of the majority, so why should they want that now? The fact that they have endured despite being oppressed encourages this attitude. (That’s actually from Robert Merton, not me.) Others have gone much further - think John Ogbu and the “acting White” hypothesis, which I think is taking it a little too far.

gardentraveler, it’s definitely the studio magic. :slight_smile: I did an NPR segment years ago at the WBUR studio in Boston and I didn’t sound like that. I was actually at a commercial radio station that had state of the art equipment. So you, too, can sound like a “Quiet Storm” deejay in the right environs.

Freudian Slit - I thought the point was to encourage and send a message that Black people do indeed get married, even if the media tends to forget that. And I think that’s true. Just because your parents aren’t married today doesn’t mean they won’t get married eventually. Getting married, especially if you belong to a large traditional family, costs a lot of money. Some people are waiting. I think it’s fairly harmless and actually a nice thing, unless it becomes a call to orthodoxy and gives people a way to look down on others. Which I think some folks have done.

Nzinga - I knew I forgot to mention one of the SDMB Official Black Personages! :slight_smile: I am so glad you caught it.

GuanoLad, I tend to be of the opinion that we should live and let live. So I don’t know why anyone else would care who’s married, or who isn’t. I care that kids are raised in a loving environment, and being married is no guarantee of that. :slight_smile:

Ferret Herder, thanks for the kind words. :slight_smile: The callers were cool. The first guy was more making a statement than asking for advice, and the second caller… I felt sorry for her, because I have heard that comment from so many Black women. I wanted to advise her to go to church - this coming from a lapsed Roman Catholic who goes to Mass about once every five years. Black churches are so much more than religious entities - they’re social clubs, business networking organizations, and yes, places to meet partners. And churches tend to be more open classwise and socioeconomically, so a middle class college educated woman could meet a man without those credentials. That might be less likely to happen if you hang out in places where your work colleagues frequent.

brickbacon, thank you! I don’t know if it’s more advantageous to buy the book anywhere… I just really appreciate anyone reading it. As far as I know amazon.com is fine, or directly from the publisher at rowmanlittlefield.com.

Odesio, you’re so kind, and trust me, when I’m opining on commercials or ethnic food it’s much better to see the written words than hear my screeching. :slight_smile:

36

So another blogger has taken me to task: http://withintheblackcommunity.blogspot.com/2011/03/black-marriage-day-2011-separating.html

Overall, though, I’ve received much more positivity. The story was picked up by TheRoot.com and BET.com, and I even saw a few mentions on Twitter. Social media’s fascinating stuff, I tell ya…

37

I figured you probably got a heads-up from the host what lines the interview might go along - er, did you? - but with callers you have no idea what’s going to be coming at you. Being able to “think on your feet” is a great skill to have, and you did a good job of it.

38

The producer told me the topic, which allowed me to a) Google “Black Marriage Day” and b) pull down some stats. But yeah, I didn’t talk to the host, so I had no idea where it was going. But a good thing is that I was really asked “what do you think?” rather than, “Well, what’s the answer, Professor?” The former is much easier than the latter.

She also lobbed me some softballs, like mentioning the Obama chapter in the book. That was because when the producer called, I made sure to drone on and on about the book. We get pretty good media training, and one of the messages is to always drive home what it is you want to talk about.

I think I had done some thinking about this topic on the ill-fated “On Point” show. One of the experts, Anastasia Curwood at Vanderbilt, wrote a book about Black marriages in the early 20th century, and she suggested that they invite me (she assigns our book in one of her classes). Then I got bumped from the show. But Dr. Curwood came through and recommended me again, I guess!

I actually thought that we were on a station ID break when she asked me to respond to the woman who couldn’t find a Black man to date. So I’m glad I didn’t “break composure.”

It’s a lot like teaching… I have no idea what the students are going to ask, or what part of a lecture might interest them, or tangential issue they’ll come up with. So I guess I’ve had some practice. :slight_smile:

39

Your e-mail from Tracy the Attorney kind of freaked me out, just because I know an African-American Attorney named Tracy, and that e-mail sounds EXACTLY like her.

40

Okay, you have GOT to PM me or give a hint re: her last name. It also listed her husband’s name…