… I amused myself by tormenting a kid looking for someone to “talk dirty” with him. Usually, I just ignore solicitations of this sort, but this kid was too dense for me to not entertain for a while. So, without further ado, I present Serendipity’s First Venture into the World of Cybersex. [sub]Names have been changed to protect the idiotic.[/sub] (Sorry about the length of this one.)
IckyGuy: hey baby
Serendipity: Hey.
IckyGuy:you wanna talk dirty?
Serendipity: Sure… The other night, I had to vacuum for three hours – my room was that bad.
IckyGuy:i was kinda thinking…um nevermind
Serendipity: What were you thinking?
IckyGuy: well i was thinking that maybe we could talk about sexual stuff that’s all
Serendipity: Oh, OK… You know what really seems to get guys going? Talking about the shedding of the uterine lining.
IckyGuy: that’s like your period right?
Serendipity: Yeah. Menses is fantastic.
IckyGuy: do you like have it now?
Serendipity: Nah, I’m in the middle of my cycle. Mittelschmertz and whatnot.
IckyGuy: so what is it like down there now?
Serendipity: You know, I haven’t really checked. I have awful cramps, though.
Serendipity: Midol usually helps, but I’m all out.
IckyGuy: i’m sorry…do you want to check?
Serendipity: No, thanks, I’m pretty sure everything’s in order down there.
IckyGuy: will you tell me about it?
Serendipity: About my period? Sure, it sucks. Hot and cold flashes, cramps like crazy, headaches, backaches, chocolate cravings…
IckyGuy: no i meant will you tell me about how things are “in order”
Serendipity: Well… You do know how the female reproductive system works, right?
IckyGuy: kinda…will you describe yours?
SaratogaJT: Oh, it’s just like everyone elses… Let me see if I can find a picture…
IckyGuy: do you have a picture of your own?
Serendipity: Here’s what my reproductive system looks like.
Serendipity: Basically, that’s it. (link to InnerBody)
Serendipity: Did you know that my ovaries contain about two million eggs? Isn’t that all shades of crazy?
IckyGuy: that is quite amazing…what does yours look like from the outside?
Serendipity: You know, I have no clue. It’s pretty hard to get a close look at the Fallopian tubes.
IckyGuy: no i mean, like outside outside…what do your reproductive organs look like?
Serendipity: Eh, you know, they’re pretty standard. I’m not terribly interested in looking at them.
IckyGuy: well can you describe them?
Serendipity: Well, the external organs are bordered by the labia majora – which are comparable to the scroctum in males.
IckyGuy: cool…what are your labia like?
Serendipity: The labia majora contain sebaceous glands.
IckyGuy: what are those?
Serendipity: Glands that secrete oil.
Serendipity: Oh, hey! I just found a picture of what my external genital organs look like. Want to see it?
IckyGuy: sure…um ok
Serendipity: That’s basically what it looks like. (link to the Merck Manual)
Serendipity: Cool, huh?
IckyGuy: still loading 
IckyGuy: oh wow!
IckyGuy: yours look exactly like that?
Serendipity: Every woman’s looks pretty much like that.
IckyGuy: do you have hair and stuff down there?
Serendipity: And stuff?
IckyGuy: oh i dunno
Serendipity: What sort of stuff?
IckyGuy: well…just hair?
Serendipity: Pretty much everyone has hair down there – it’s a secondary sex characteristic. Even you have hair around your external reproductive organs!
IckyGuy: will you describe yours?
Serendipity: Sure thing! Hair is a slender, threadlike outgrowth of the skin of mammals. Mammals are the only creatures that have hair – even the armadillo has hair!
IckyGuy: what does the hair down there look like on you?
Serendipity: When the individual hairs are fine and close together, we call it fur. Coarse, stiff hairs are known as bristles.
Serendipity: Like all hair, mine is made mainly of keratin, which is a protein.
Serendipity: It also contains pigment.
IckyGuy: i mean, what’s it look like?
Serendipity: You’ve got hair, right?
IckyGuy: : no…
Serendipity: You don’t have any hair? Wow! Do you have a disease, or are you just not a mammal?
IckyGuy: no i don’t have any “down there”
Serendipity: Oh… So you haven’t gone through puberty yet.
Serendipity: I know it can be a scary time, but your body is your friend.
IckyGuy: will you tell me about your pubic hair?
Serendipity: And I’m sure your parents and teachers will be happy to help you through it.
Serendipity: I already told you about it.
Serendipity: Weren’t you paying attention?
IckyGuy: well what color is it?
Serendipity: The color is dependent on the pigment of the hair.
IckyGuy: what color is yours?
Serendipity: I’m really not sure. Like I said, I’m not all that interested in staring at everything down there.
IckyGuy: may i?
Serendipity: What? Do you have hidden cameras in here?
Serendipity: Oh my God! Where are you?
IckyGuy: well no i was just wondering
Serendipity: Don’t lie to me! You’re spying on me aren’t you?
IckyGuy: yup
Serendipity: Are you the kid who sits behind me in history class?
IckyGuy: um no…
Serendipity: Are you the guy who works at Starbucks? Because I’m pretty sure he’s stalking me.
IckyGuy: um no…
Serendipity: Well, who are you then?
Serendipity: Hello?
Serendipity: Hello? Oh, come on… We haven’t even started talking about the birth process yet!
