I base this upon the fact that I am living most of my day-to-day life lately without wearing a shirt. Yeah, it ain’t pretty. But neither is this heat.
If you’ve ever watched “COPS,” you know once you go shirtless, your law-abiding days are behind you.
Soon I will be almost incoherently drunk, telling a police officer I haven’t had a thing to drink, and saying things like, “Man, I didn’t do NUFFIN!”
I send you my business card 
Add a cigarette in one hand, an empty beer bottle in the other and a ho in your lap and you’re ready to go.
and a tattoo of your own name on your chest at the same location where it would be on your work shirt, if you worked.
Try as I might, I just can’t think of anything negative to say about a shirtless, sweaty, Milossarian.
No! No! You’re only on the road to a life of crime if you’re also starting to wear shorts made out of old blue jeans and not shaving or combing your hair for long periods of time.
Oooooh, sounds like a party in a bag 
All real criminals need a sidekick. In this case I’m picturing a chick with a halter top on, fat rolls hanging over the side of her too-short and too-tight shorts (think Mariah Carey here), alternately yelling, “You lousy bastard!That’s the LAST time I let you lay a hand on me!” and (to the cops) “Don’t hurt him!”
Give me some peroxide and I’m your woman.
You mean to say, "Don’t hurt him. I love him.
I think I need a new pair of shorts. These are staying up too well for my new persona.
I need a pair of Marlboro sweatpants with poor elastic at the waist, that I can cut with a dull knife into shorts.
Re: Qualification for COPS tv show
Make sure not to shave for at least a couple of days and have your hair tied back in a greasy ponytail or get a mullet. Have absolutely NO idea what’s going on when the cops arrive at your door.
–Nut
I thought it was “That’s my baby’s daddy.”
Am I invited? And if you got your fat stick-up-for-ya-bitch, you got to have a mistress. One of those long, skinny ones with dark messy hair and way-too-dark lipstick. Too much eyeliner and not enough loving. Kmart jeans and trashy underwear.
Can I do it?
“…I think.”