I win.

The BBQ Pit
1

In first grade I endured seemingly incessant taunts about my clothing, my appearance, my hair, my lunch, my parents, my grandparents, my school, my financial situation. Yeah, I was poor. Damn, even. I was dressed in clothes from yard sales and the Salvation Army, ate butter sandwiches, I had a hyphenated name (in the 80s, this was not a popular thing), . . . it wasn’t fun.

It continued but got more physical in second grade, when I was taken out to the playground by two girls (I will not disgrace this board with their names), punched in the nuts repeatedly and called a “pecker.” I know about this particular incident solely because my father reminded me about it several yeas ago; I had blocked it from memory and still do.

Fourth grade saw a classmate’s mother get cancer; he got karate lessons; I got to be his sparring partner. I learned very quickly how to kick as soon as he did, else my shins got bruised. A year later he was proclaiming to the entire class “Hey, girls, come outside, I’m going to make Patrick cry.” We traded kicks for a few minutes and then he planted one where he knew I would cry.

It got steadily worse as the years went on; there were fewer people in my class, but those who were still around had honed their skills. In eighth grade my grandfather was dying not a hundred yards from where I had Latin and Social Studies, but that didn’t prevent a girl in my class from holding a door shut so I couldn’t return to class.

I deliberately went to high school 500 miles from home; I did not want there to be a snowball’s chance in Hell that anyone would know me there except through my father, who had gone there to escape a similar school situation.

The students didn’t know me, but that only delayed them two weeks. This time, however, home was five feet from where some of them lived; I couldn’t go to my parents and hide. I faced them for four years (I won’t go into exact details here except to say that it was enough to nearly kill me).

I graduated from that place in May of 1999 and thanked God that I was still alive.

Here is the text of the email I got today (which I almost deleted, thinking it might be spam):

"I am writing and teaching a graduate course for teachers on Bully Prevention. I would like to use the personal testimony you wrote for the Raven Day’s website in my student materials.

I think it is important for teachers to hear from the victims of bullying behavior. Too often teachers see this behavior as a rite of passage rather than the trauma it really is."

I emailed her back basically saying “Anything you want, just ask.”

I win.

2

Good for you, 'punha.

It’s way the hell past time that the educators of this country recognize bullying as what it is–terrorism that can scar its victims for life, and can cause the kinds of rage that we see on the news as students shooting up schools. We are now preparing to stomp some terrorists who attacked innocent people; it’s a fine time to do something about the ones in schools as well.

3

Wow, Patrick, that is so awesome!!!

Not to upstage you, because this is not nearly as bad as anything you went through, but I was enrolled in a private day school in 4th and 5th grades. Some of the older boys used to terrorize me. I’d come home from school with pounding headaches, bruises, and really not wanting to go back. Ever.

My parents, especially my mother, used to tease me that these boys liked me, or else they wouldn’t give me this kind of attention. Ha!

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when two or three of them herded me into a closet and beat the shit out of me. I have blocked out most of it, except I know I wasn’t raped. I was moved back to public school in short order.

I like the fact that someone is finally taking this problem seriously. Kids have died from this, and the ones who survive are left with scars that last for life. It’s taken me years to learn to trust other people, and my experiences were relatively mild.

Robin

4

I was bullied as a child, and now I am a teacher. You can bet your sweet ass that I put a stop to anything that looks remotely like bullying, no matter how much the kids complain that they’re only horsing around.

The trouble is, physical bullying is pretty easy to spot and stop when you’re there. Other types of bullying - verbal and social - are a great deal more difficult because you have to overhear the comments, and kids are smart enough not to say things so loud a teacher can hear.

Because this is my first year teaching, I’m pretty overwhelmed. However, if I stay here, I’m going to talk to my principal about putting together an all-school anti-bullying program. I’m not naive enough to think that if we say “Bullying’s bad, mmmkay?” the kids will stop. I do think that if schools would start talking about the problem, enforcing anti-bullying rules, and helping the targets of bullying overcome the attacks, things would be a lot better.

What grates on my nerves is that you probably won’t see schools address bullying because it’s the right thing to do. They’ll start doing something about it because they can be held accountable by lawsuit for what happens. Still, whatever the motivation, at least they might start looking for one.

Punha, MsRobyn, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. My experiences were verbal and social bullying, almost nothing physical (not counting the time I was pushed down a flight of stairs, or the time a couple of boys through pebbles at me) happened, and they were enough to leave pretty deep scars.

5

i have walked the length of three basketball courts being rammed into from behind, and repeatedly knocked to my knees from this. all because someone told this guy i had said something nasty about them. it took me this long to realise they were not going to leave me alone, and so i then had to kick their ass. :frowning:
wtf?
i have never really understood bullying, and i dont want to. it is not right. do what you can for them, they will hopefully be in a better position to stop it.

6

Good for you, Iampunha, i am still trying to figure out how i can win.

7

Good for you iampunha.

Mother of a bullied child checking in, repeated and lengthy trips to school didn’t help. We sold our home and moved. When it started again at the new school he was so overcome with frustration that he struck back and broke the nose of a child two grades older, a dead taller, and 20 pounds heavier. He’s never had a problem since. Sad that he had to resort to his fists to prevent the abuse beginning again and even sadder that he had to fix the problem himself in the 6th grade.

8

While I do believe that teachers can do a lot to report and discourage bullying, it is still going to happen. Mainly because the bully’s PARENTS don’t see the need in curbing their child’s behavior. In fact I have seen many a father encourage their son to be a bully.

I too was a victim of bullying throughout public grade school. When I entered a Catholic high school, bullying pretty much stopped. The priests and monks didn’t tolerate bullying and it met up with swift action. However, after school was another story. I had many a bully follow me home from school in order to kick the crap out of me. As my Mom applied pressure to the school, the fights got worse and worst to the point I begged my Mom to stop reporting the incidents for fear that one of them I would wind up dead.

The fact is that bullying should be handled for what it is A CRIME. Yes, I am saying that when a child assaults another child, the law should be called in and the bullies put in jail. Why should we treat children any different than adults in this regard (other than the fact that sentences will be lighter)?

A bully is not afraid of detention, and expulsion gives the bully exactly what he wants. Putting him in jail would give him a taste of what a criminal life is like if they don’t change their ways.

9

Mainly because either the bullying behaviorisms don’t exist at home, because the parents feel powerless, or because they don’t see any problem with “boys being boys”.

The first is mostly a case (from what I have experienced/read) of kids not having an environment conducive to the behavior at home. The second is usually a case of a kid being able to read his/her parents’ strengths, and the third is rather easily fixed . . . actually the easiest in my experience. You just give them a nice, clear reason for why it IS a problem, and more to the point, why it is part of THEIR problem.

I couldn’t bear the thought of putting a child in jail for bullying, nor do I want to foot the therapy bill that could result. Mostly what I do to bullies I meet these days is show them that there’s someone much bigger than them who could have his way with them without carring too much either way. Once they see that you get more power by doing the right thing than by doing the wrong thing, . . .

I dunno how best to punish them. I’m more interested in finding out the cause and working on that. Too soft, perhaps, but then I’ve almost always been soft.

10

In my case, there were three boys who bullied me. The ringleader was raised by a VERY permissive mother who did not see the need to control her son. I do know that his mother’s boyfriend was a studio musician who introduced the boy into a rather bad culture that included drugs; in fact, IIRC, he was already smoking pot at age 13. The other two were followers desperate for social acceptance.

Once the entire story came out after I’d been assaulted, my parents filed suit against the school and the school’s owners. I don’t remember the exact details of the settlement, but I have asked and will post as soon as I get an answer.

Robuin

11

I think that due to my size I was always an attractive target for bullies. It wasn’t that I wasn’t tough, with an older brother who’s goal in life was to make my life miserable I learned how to give and take with the best of them.

It took me until I was in the tenth grade to say “that’s fucking enough” and start kicking some serious ass.

I made examples of a few and the rest of my high school days were spent in relative peace.

Not all kids are this lucky to be able to stop the abuse the suffer on a daily basis. I was.

12

Good for you, iampunha. I’m glad you are dealing with this and working your way through it all.

It is real tough for kids to learn to deal with bullies by themselves. I went through it, but I didn’t get bullied nearly as much as one kid I graduated with. This poor guy got belittled, picked on, and humiliated every day of his middle and highschool life. He started out being just a little bit shy in elementary school, but ended up being completely intraverted and anti-social. Now when you speak to him, he answers in an almost panicy timid voice that you can barely hear. When I got into High School, I lost touch with him due to differing class schedules. I now wonder what he has been up to and if he is ok.