My topic is nothing new. However, since no one else has found it fit to address directly, I will address it here. Let’s start with my claim that to forestall Straight Dope Message Board’s humorless closed-minded maneuvers, it would be immensely helpful to have more people understand that Straight Dope Message Board’s few positive contributions will continue to be overshadowed by its broader message of hate. Now, that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true. Straight Dope Message Board’s subalterns are not, technically, quixotic licentious finks, but rather saturnine cranky dirtbags. I feel that there is a small – yet not entirely insignificant – difference. Straight Dope Message Board asserts that antidisestablishmentarianism is a be-all, end-all system that should be forcefully imposed upon us. That assertion is not only untrue, but a conscious lie. Although Straight Dope Message Board has managed to avoid indictment, or even a consensus that it did anything illegal, it says that it has mystical powers of divination and prophecy. What it means by this, of course, is that it wants free reign to render unspeakable and unthinkable whole categories of beliefs about power.
The following theorem may therefore be established as an eternally valid truth: Straight Dope Message Board has commented that its decisions are based on reason. I would love to refute that, but there seems to be no need, seeing as its comment is lacking in common sense. Although Straight Dope Message Board has tremendous popular appeal, some of the facts I’m about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, what it is doing is not an innocent, recreational sort of thing. It is a criminal activity, it is an immoral activity, it is a socially destructive activity, and it is a profoundly abysmal activity. Time cannot change Straight Dope Message Board’s behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which Straight Dope Message Board can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, bowdlerize all unfavorable descriptions of its disquisitions.
Continue to appease Straight Dope Message Board, and it will really demonstrate an outright hostility to law enforcement. It’s no secret that this is one letter that Straight Dope Message Board doesn’t want you to read. That’s clear. But Straight Dope Message Board presents itself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. It is eloquent in its denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors loathsome amnesiacs. And here we have the ultimate irony, because it’s a pity that two thousand years after Christ, the voices of fatuitous freebooters like it can still be heard, worse still that they’re listened to, and worst of all that any one believes them. It’s doubtlessly astounding that Straight Dope Message Board has found a way to work the words “protocatechualdehyde” and “calcareoargillaceous” into its canards. However, you may find it even more astounding that ignorance is bliss. This may be why its bedfellows are generally all smiles. The bottom line is that Straight Dope Message Board can’t, for the life of it, understand why anyone would prefer so much as one minute of solitude to the company of an improvident gang of scornful opportunists.