What I am about to say is strictly off the record. On that understanding, I shall give
you candidly and without circumlocution the best estimate of our present plight that
I have been able to make. The following paragraphs are intended as an initial,
open-ended sketch of how bad the current situation is. I like to think I’m a
reasonable person, but you just can’t reason with perfidious apostates. It’s been
tried. They don’t understand, they can’t understand, they don’t want to understand,
and they will die without understanding why all we want is for them not to
advocate power-drunk contrivances.
There’s a lot of talk nowadays about Straight Dope Message Board’s sadistic belief
systems, but not much action. Straight Dope Message Board’s cronies can be
stereotyped as postmodernist tools of prepackaged political ideology and dotty
mudslinging wimps to boot, as evidenced by the way that Straight Dope Message
Board will desecrate religious objects because it possesses a hatred that defies all
logic and understanding, that cannot be quantified or reasoned away, and that
savagely possesses subhuman ruffians with disruptive and uncontrollable rage. We
must worry about two sorts of delusional ignominious bureaucrats: lethargic and
disorganized. Straight Dope Message Board is among the former. For the record,
that fact is simply inescapable to any thinking man or woman. “Thinking” is the key
word in the previous sentence.
A central fault line runs through each of Straight Dope Message Board’s prophecies.
Specifically, someone has been giving Straight Dope Message Board’s brain a very
thorough washing, and now Straight Dope Message Board is trying to do the same
to us. In a sense, Straight Dope Message Board’s lackeys all look like Straight Dope
Message Board, think like Straight Dope Message Board, act like Straight Dope
Message Board, and undermine serious institutional and economic analyses and
replace them with a diverting soap opera of uncompromising conspiracies, just like
Straight Dope Message Board does. And all this in the name of – let me see if I can
get their propaganda straight – brotherhood and service. Ha! My point may be
made clearer by use of an allegorical tale. Suppose a hypothetical group of three
people is standing in a room. One of those people realizes that Straight Dope
Message Board’s henchmen don’t see the chaos that will be unleashed if they get
their way and extirpate the things I cherish. Another goes on and on about Straight
Dope Message Board’s cantankerous subliminal psywar campaigns. But the third
can’t understand why human life is full of artificiality, perversion, and misery, much
of which is caused by the most witless blockheads I’ve ever seen. In this
hypothetical situation, it should be obvious that when people say that bigotry and
hate are alive and well, they’re right. And Straight Dope Message Board is to
blame.
Straight Dope Message Board’s sexist brain-damaged solutions engage in or goad
others into engaging in illegal acts. News of this deviousness must spread like
wildfire if we are ever to overcome the obstacles that people like it establish. Just
because uncouth parasitism exists and has for a long time, there is no reason for us
to accept it from Straight Dope Message Board. Straight Dope Message Board is
not as irritating or churlish as you might think. It’s more so. The account I have
just given of Straight Dope Message Board’s smears undoubtedly shows that there
can be no argument that its assistants remain a small isolated minority, except
during times of economic or social stress, when a mass following develops to blame
testy fetishism enthusiasts for the problems besetting society. And if that seems like
a modest claim, I disagree. It’s the most radical claim of all.
Should we blindly trust such obnoxious authoritarians? Straight Dope Message
Board’s helpers are the carrion birds of humanity. Equally important is the fact that
the really interesting thing about all this is not that it is not too far-fetched to claim
that Straight Dope Message Board publicly disavows its ties to anti-intellectualism
while secretly encouraging its toadies to reopen wounds that seem scarcely healed.
The interesting thing is that if you look back over some of my older letters, you’ll
see that I predicted that it would incite racial hatred. And, as I predicted, it did. But
you know, that was not a difficult prediction to make. Anyone who has bothered to
learn even a little about Straight Dope Message Board could have made the same
prediction. In a recent essay, Straight Dope Message Board stated that profits come
before people. Since the arguments it made in the rest of its essay are based in part
on that assumption, it should be aware that it just isn’t true. Not only that, but
someone once said to me, “The intent of this letter is certainly not hatred, but a
probing look into an obviously significant issue.” This phrase struck me so forcefully
that I have often used it since. The moral of the story: Straight Dope Message
Board’s blatant indifference towards the feelings of others is due to intense
misunderstanding, suspicion, and fear.
Courtesy of Scott Pakin’s Automatic Complain Letter Generator.