I’ve never written fiction until recently. I’d appreciate your comments and criticisms very much. Please be blunt, yet gentle. But if you can’t be both, go for the blunt thing.
This is a sequel of sorts to this story. I say a sequel of sorts because, though there is some small continuity, the Wanda character is based upon two different people. I’d still recommend reading it first though.
You can download it in PDF format, with better formatting and improved legibility HERE.
Some of the things I’m most interested in knowing are:
-Which jokes were good (if any) and which fell flat.
-Your opinion on the pacing and the plot in general.
-What did you think of the characters?
-The (numerous I’m sure) technical flaws.
And of course, any suggestions on how I can improve, or suggestions on where I should shove my writings and with how much power are positively welcome.
I have had to cut the story in two posts since it exceeds the character limit (20k). If you decided to skip the PDF for some reason, here goes:
Preface: I write this story for one of my very best friends. She inspired it and, though she might be misrepresented and her character abused, I know she’ll forgive me all the same. The dystopic caricature of Poland in general and Warsaw in particular is based on an old private joke I share with her. I assure any polacks reading this that Wanda has represented your species well and has made me much more likely to preview polish porn. So Wanda, thanks for all the good things, and here is to hoping for more. Enjoy.
Polish adventures
Written by Fimy, starring Wanda
“How many times would I have to smash my head against that wall to achieve blissful unconsciousness?” Wanda wonders idly. She knows that if she has to translate one more page about the therapeutic qualities of lemon-marinated beets, she would have to hurt herself as a punishment for making herself go through the pain of said translation. This thought process didn’t make much sense but then, Wanda was never big on making sense. She sighs heavily and forces her eyes to focus on the screen. She could swear that the words were laughing malevolently at her and is considering stabbing at the screen with one of the empty syringes littering her desk when a chat window pops up on her screen:
Fimy: May I take your order?
Wanda: You could just say “Hi”, you know.
Fimy: You could just shut the hell up, you know.
Wanda: sigh, I’m busy translating stuff right now, can we talk later?
Fimy: Oh I see, so you’d rather have fun translating stuff than talk to me.
Fimy: Well that’s just great. I’m glad to know how little you care about me.
Fimy: Hello? Hello?
Fimy: nudge!
Fimy: nudge!
Wanda: I am NOT doing this for fun. I’m translating things for prospective employers and it’s torture but I have to do it anyways. Some of us have to work, you know?
Fimy: Yeah well, you can work on your own free time. I don’t see why I should have to be penalized because of this crap. You have got to stop being so self-centered; my patience has limits.
Wanda: What? WHAT?! What the hell is WRONG with you? I’m slaving on a Sunday , effectively doing free work for many of these prospective employers who have zero intention of hiring me, working on the hardest, crappiest translation materials possible and I’m self-centered? You’re penalized? I have no words…
Fimy: Relax, it was a joke. So what are you translating?
Wanda: …something about how beets are good for your health.
Fimy: Oh, are they? Well I have a health! Tell me more.
Wanda: I am not talking to you about beets. I don’t want to think about beets, eat beets or even see beets ever again. Beets are evil. No, they are more than evil. They are EEVEEEL.
Fimy: What if you see beets in a supermarket?
Wanda: Then I will burn it to the ground. And I will do the same to you if you don’t stop talking about beets. Got it?
Fimy: Sheesh. Why so testy? Are you having your period?
Wanda: Before I burn you alive, I will cut off your penis and chew on your balls.
Fimy: My most abject apologies, please spare my sword and jewels.
Wanda: Good, now let me work in peace, will you?
Fimy: Just one more thing, what did you mean when you said many employers had zero intention of hiring you?
Wanda: Some of them submit documents they have to translate as tests and basically get free translations out of victims like me.
Fimy: Those foul villains! This sounds like a job for…a Pirate Ninja!
Wanda: Oh no. Not again. Bye.
Fimy: Do you still have that leather suit I gave you?
Wanda is offline and cannot receive messages at this time.
Fimy: Crap!
Fimy: Well, she must have gotten disconnected. I have no doubt she will appreciate my heroic intervention in this matter. To Pol…umm…no, to Germany!
Fimy: Why am I talking to myself?
Fimy: You’re not talking to yourself, don’t worry about it, you’re perfectly sane.
Fimy: Well that’s a relief.
A couple of days later. Fimy makes his way to Miami International and arrives at the ticketing counter.
Airline employee: Good evening sir, may I have your passport please?
Fimy: You may have more than that, hun! If you catch my drift! Hehehe.
**Airline employee: **You can’t tell it by reading because the word “employee” is gender-neutral but I’m actually a man.
Fimy: Shit. What kind of retarded author lets stuff like this happen?
PANTLESS Fimy: I’m sorry O great and brilliant author, may I please have my pants back?
**Male airline employee: ** Are you done with your shenanigans sir? There are people waiting.
Fimy: Well fuck YOU! And fuck THEM! Nobody tells me what to do!
Shaquille O’Neal, who just happens to be standing behind Fimy: What did you just say?
Fimy: Ha! You don’t scare me! You can’t catch what you can’t s…grlbrbrghh…
**Shaq: ** You were saying?
Fimy: pl…glrb…ease…stop…glrbl…cho…king…me.
**Shaq: ** Next time, I’ll use all 5 fingers.
Fimy: I shall be cough going now, a good cough trip to you Mr. O’Neal.
Vowing revenge on everything within a 50 yard radius of the counter he just left, Fimy proceeds to the security checkpoint. While waiting in line, he dials Wanda’s number.
Fimy: Hey! How are you doing?
Wanda: snort spit , Fimy? Why are you calling me at 3 in the morning?
Fimy: Hehehe. Crazy polacks and their crazy time. So, were you sleeping?
Wanda: What the hell els…
Fimy: Hold on to that thought for a second.
Annoyed but still holding on to the thin hope that there was a reason for her awakening. Trying to believe that, somehow, the universe didn’t just allow this gratuitous suffering to happen to her for no reason at all, Wanda listened to what was being said on the other end of the line.
**Security officer: ** Sir, is this a sword in your carry-on luggage? You are going to have to check that in, sir.
Fimy: What? I am a pirate ninja for crying out loud! That katana is an essential tool of my trade. What if a terrorist boarded the plane, huh? Next thing you know, you’ll say I can’t take my flash bombs aboard either!
**Security officer: ** terrorist? Bombs? Security! We have a code 2, repeat, code 2!
Fimy: Where? I’ll take care of it for you! Wait…why are all these men running towards us? Shouldn’t th…click
Wanda: Why doesn’t this surprise me? --Wait…why was he at the airport?
Wanda: I’m talking to myself too, now? This is not a good sign.
While she was trying to fall back asleep, muttering old gipsy curses under her breath, our hero finds himself in a small interrogation room in the airport.
Fimy: This is unacceptable! Intolerable! I demand to see my consul!
**Federal agent: **Sure thing, here is his number. Hey! Toby, tell the guys to come over, this guy is going to call his consul!
**Toby: ** Hahaha. I’ll be right back!
Fimy: It’s ringing, you’re going to regret this! I’ll have your jobs! Aha! He picked up!
**Recorded voice: **If you’re calling because a Moroccan national wants to speak to his consul, please know that Morocco has total faith and confidence in the judgment of the U.S government and reiterates its absolute support for its policies. And hey, as far as we’re concerned, a little torture never hurt anyone. Have a nice day.
Fimy: This is not good.
**Federal agents: ** You can say that again.
Fimy: This is not good.
**Federal agents: ** It was a figure of speech…Now tell us all about your evil plans.
Fimy: Look, you got the wrong guy, I am a pirate ninja. I fight for justice and freedom, wherever criminals lurk, I root them out, wherever they prey on the weak and the innocents, I hunt them down, whenever they…
**Federal agents: ** Look, just give us some money, ok?
Fimy: I have 73 bucks.
**Federal agents: ** we’ll take it.
After reluctantly checking in his Katana and having his flash bombs confiscated, Fimy finally gets on the plane. He remembers that he rudely hung up on Wanda so he calls her again.
Wanda: What the hell man? It’s 4 in the morning! I have to wake up in less than two hours! Why must you ruin my sleep? WHY?
Fimy: Well, that’s what I get for trying to be polite. Talk about no good deed going unpunished…
Wanda: sigh…what do you want Fimy? Please make it quick and let me go back to sleep. Please?
45 minutes and most of Wanda’s patience later…
Fimy: And that’s how I came to be called “The curse of rocky island”. Anyways, I’m coming to see you.
Wanda: You’re coming to Warsaw?
Fimy: There is no need for insults you know. I’m landing in Germany. I’ll see you at the border, if we shout very loud, it should work out.
Wanda: Ha-ha. Very funny. That joke just gets funnier and funnier every time you use it. Sometimes, it’s so darn funny I want to strangle you with it until you stop breathing.
Fimy: Must you always resort to death threats? I’m trying to help you here. I’m going to track down those evil profiteers, that’ll teach them to interfere with my conv…umm…that’ll teach them to …you know… exploit you or whatever.
Wanda: You DO realize I did not ask for your help? Right? Right?
Fimy: A true hero does not…
Wanda: I’m going back to sleep. click
Fimy: Wait! What about that leather suit?
Wanda: dial tone
Fimy: Crap!
Fimy: Don’t worry, dear me, she probably still has it.
Fimy: I hope so…wait…who are you? How can you hear my thoughts?
Fimy: Fugget abouuuut it!
Fimy: ok!
Ten hours and many adventures later, Fimy is escorted out of the plane by airport security. The first thing he does is call Wanda, of course…
Fimy: Hey!
Wanda: State the nature of your business please.
Fimy: That’s no way to talk to a friend you know. I came ALL the way here to Berlin to see you after all.
Wanda: I’m in Warsaw…
Fimy: Yeah, about that. How long will it take you to get to the border?
Wanda: Fimy you idiot! Will you just stop with that? Poland is a fine country and, except for the zombies and the snipers, Warsaw is perfectly safe.
Fimy: Zombies??? Snipers???
Wanda: I’m joking! They were all eaten by the crab people when they came out of the sewers. Really, you’ll be fine. Just avoid the streets and the buildings. Oh, and don’t breathe any air.
Fimy: Can do! So how do I get to Warsaw from here?
Wanda: Well, the only safe way is to dig a tunnel all the way across. Let me give you my GPS coordinates.
Fimy: Just give me your address, I’ll take my chances with the crab people.
Wanda: That’s the spirit! See you soon!
Fimy: Wait! Wait! Please tell me you still have the suit?
Wanda: … I still have the suit. I don’t know why…well…maybe I do. Ahem! Why do you ask?
Fimy: Oh great! See, I’ve been growing some bacteria on the inside of it and my teacher told me they can migrate to the human skin. Please don’t put it on! I need the bacteria for my project.
Wanda: May your eyes wither and fall. May crippling arthritis take your hands and may pus-filled boils cover your entire skin.
Fimy: Is that a gypsy curse? I didn’t know you had gypsy blood in you. I wouldn’t have left you alone with my stuff!
Wanda: click
Thus encouraged, Fimy made for the closest car and hijacked it, knowing full well he could always blame it on Grand Theft Auto if he got caught. He then started heading west towards Poland. Five hours later, he realized Poland was due east and reversed his course. [Author’s note: The following material has been heavily edited to spare the readers some of the most gruesome details of an otherwise lovely country, namely, Poland.]. After many wacky adventures and car chases (and a wacky death toll of 11 people), Fimy finally parachuted over Warsaw. Guess what he did next? Yeah, he called her again.
Fimy: Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Wanda: Have I told you how much I hated talking over the phone?
Fimy: Have I told you how much I didn’t care?
Wanda: Ok, score one for you. What do you want?
Fimy: I’m in Warsaw! Can’t you hear the screams and the gunshots in the background?!
Wanda: Oh really? Wow! I never thought I’d see the day. I’m proud of you. I know how much you hated Warsaw.
Fimy: What do you mean, hated? I’d rather be raped by snakes than be here. I need directions. I’m by the ruins of a yellowish hospital. There is a swamp to my left and a raptor’s nest to my right. How do I get to your place? Quick! The raptors are looking in my direction.
Wanda: Just keep going straight until you see the giant mutant rats by the green lake, then make a right and start running. Don’t ask why, just do it. And for the love of God, don’t look back. When the gunshots start getting loud enough that you cannot hear the moaning sounds behind you, make a left and I’ll throw you a rope ladder for you to climb. Do you have a bulletproof vest or painkillers?
Fimy: I…I…no!
Wanda: Well, don’t worry about it. See you in a few minutes!
Fimy: What?? Wait!
Wanda: click
It was time for Fimy to use his pirate ninja skills. And by that, I mean he called the local cab company.
Fimy: Ahoy me hearty! There be some keel to be hauled ye scurvy dogs. Five gold doubloons to the first one to turn his boat a yonder! Harr!
**Polish person: **A cab will be there right away sir.
Fimy: HARRRRRR!
**Polish person: **click
A short cab ride and way too much pirate talk later, our tanned hero arrives to Wanda’s place. He knocks. Wanda opens the door.
Fimy: Avast, me beauty!
Wanda: Avast, Fimy. Is that a yardarm in your doubloons, or are you just glad to see me?
Fimy: Arrr! It be a yardarm.
Wanda: Ok, shall we drop the pirate talk please? It involves translating.
Fimy: Very well. Is it safe from the crab people here?
Wanda: not rea…umm…yeah. It’s perfectly safe. So, not that I’m not glad to see you but why this sudden visit?
Fimy: What do you mean, why? I’m here to save you of course!
Wanda: Save me from what? I’m perfectly fine. I don’t NEED saving, as I’m pretty sure I told you on the phone…
Fimy: Well, by save you, I really mean exert obscenely bloody revenge on those who exploited you (and all those who happen to be in the same building).
Wanda: Well, that’s really sweet but is it really necessary?
Fimy: Necessary? Is it necessary? Do you REALIZE that by asking a bunch of questions in an indignant tone, I can AVOID answering your question? Well do you? I didn’t think so.
Wanda: Well, I do feel like going on a carnage run I suppose. Maybe a good bloodbath is just what I need. Let me put on my suit.
Fimy: But the bacteria!
Wanda: Yeah, my skin was infected a long time ago. I’m actually maroon-green in color now, I just wear a lot of makeup. So, I might as well wear the slutt…protective suit.
Fimy: Huh? What protect…?
Wanda: Tut-tut-tut! Less talking, more slaughtering!
Fimy: You’re right. We need the addresses of all the companies you’ve submitted work to.
Wanda: I have them all right here.
Fimy: Wait a second! How come you’ve already got…
But at that moment, Wanda took off her shirt and Fimy instantly forgot the rest of the sentence, thus forever leaving a gaping plot hole in this story. Will we ever know why Wanda already had that list of addresses ready?[Author’s note: no.] Fimy regained his higher mental faculties as she finished dressing up.
Fimy: Bastards at MIA airport took my ninja flash bombs away. Do you know where I can get some?
Wanda: The glowing bumblebees by the old nuclear plant have the same effect. We can go pick up a few on the way to the first address.
Fimy: Aren’t those radioactive?
Wanda: So? Radioactivity never hurt anyone.
Fimy: Ah, well If you say so. Let’s go then. What’s the nearest address? Wait a second…aren’t all of these addresses the same? Only the suite number changes!
Wanda: Really? I didn’t notice.
Fimy: How could you NOT notice this???
Wanda: Look, accept it the same way I have to accept the premise of you being a pirate ninja, ok?
Fimy: Fair enough.
After gathering the bumblebees and making 300 bathrooms stops for Wanda, our protagonists arrive at the mysterious address. It is a tall building, with several unbroken windows and only 15 condemned balconies. At the entrance stand 4 men, armed with machetes and baseball bats, chatting and laughing amicably.
Wanda: So, when does the slaughter begin?
Fimy: Don’t be so eager to use force, for violence begets violence. The fires of hatred , once ignited are not easy to put off, and they will burn the lives of the guilty and innocents alike, leaving hideous sins and unspeakable horrors in their wake and engulfing the world in their bloody madness.
Wanda: Are you serious?
Fimy: Fuck no! Let’s massacre! It’s time for some flash bomb action! Watch this!
Wanda: Wait, don’t use those he…
But Fimy is no longer listening, he has jumped 30 feet in the air and has thrown a couple of the bugs towards the unsuspecting guards. As he prepares to land on them, katana first, one look of his dreamy green eyes tells him that something is wrong. The flash was not the only effect of the nuclear bugs; a fire has started and the men are burning alive. What’s more worrisome is that the fire is spreading, not just to the building itself but towards the street in all directions. Thanks to his cat-like reflexes, he throws a grappling hook towards the building behind him and descends in a wide arc towards Wanda, who looks in horror as the flames move towards her. Like an urban Tarzan, he grabs her by the waist, knocking all the air out of her lungs and, with a mighty pull, propels them both onto the roof, next to the grappling hook.