Once upon a time there lived a man named Johnold Strumpf.
Mr. Strumpf was the son of a wealthy real estate tycoon. But living a fairly prosperous life of luxury wasn’t enough.
Johnold Strumpf learned the ropes through his dad, and would go on to put himself out there as a man who wore many different hats, often entertaining the public or opening lavish amenities.
Strumpf became interested after all that in becoming a ruler, and that is exactly what he did when he campaigned and the people elected him over the next in a line of aristocrats.
Johnold Strumpf became the most powerful ruler in the world. Strumpf was a peculiar ruler who often did not speak or behave conventionally.
One thing is true: Johnold Strumpf did not have any permanent enemies.
Oh yes, many people did not like him, many people thought of him as their permanent enemy. But Johnold Strumpf was different. He didn’t consider anyone an enemy to that degree, and because he was so much more powerful, that was all that counted.
It wasn’t because Johnold Strumpf was ever a kind man. It wasn’t because he was a forgiving man. It wasn’t because he was a forgetful man.
No sweetie, the reason Johnold Strumpf did not have those kinds of enemies was because he viewed every other person around him as objects, not as actual human beings.
Strumpf knew objects could be used, objects could be manipulated. And he liked that.
All Johnold Strumpf had to do was trick others and he’d always get what he’d like if they went along with it. So he could easily grapple classlessly with an enemy one day and work with them to build a road the next.
One of those peculiar things though was Johnold Strumpf truly believed every single person loved him. He believed every single person thought he was funny and interesting. Many people who helped him become ruler did continue to love him, certainly.
In some cases this belief was more challenging because of Strumpf’s many past lawsuit foes and former lovers.
Johnold Strumpf reasoned even if things ended badly with a former lover or even with legal fallout or accusations, those former lovers still remembered what a great lover he had been and continued to love him for it.
As far as those who had been involved in difficult lawsuits on the other side, Strumpf knew that in a way by suing or being sued by him, those people had intersected with greatness. It would be a most fascinating story to tell their grandkids, so how can you not help love someone who enabled personal memories of the world’s most powerful man? It would be like getting Billy Joel’s autograph after a show on a guitar he played, even if he acted like a total arrogant fucking douchebag, doesn’t the awe of that memory transcend it all.
Even in his old age, Johnold Strumpf could always walk or travel anywhere with smiling confidence, knowing he was loved deep down by all.
Nonetheless, Strumpf made sure he had bodyguards and other security forces around him at all times because after all, he still did have enemies, they were simply ones that weren’t destined to last over time.
After Johnold Strumpf became ruler, some of his undercover staff began to pick up on a possible horrifying reality. Out in the land appeared to be one person who did not love Strumpf. This person was first identified on social media where Strumpf’s name was hardly ever mentioned by them, and never directly. This person’s other accounts, where some anonymous postings were made, did make some mentions of Strumpf but never in any way that betrayed any sense of finding him an interesting or clever man, only as a boring manipulative con artist.
What was unfortunate for Johnold Strumpf’s staff was another peculiar thing about Strumpf was periodically he was extremely insecure, meaning there was no way to keep a secret of this magnitude away from him forever.
The agents took turns sneaking into this person’s life, trying different sales pitches for different products and ventures using methods similar to what Strumpf would use. Yet the person did not respond or show interest in any of this. “Couldn’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with,” later said one who ostensibly was a Batman fan. “I’ll grant you this person didn’t seem to want to watch the world burn either.”
Some of the agents left their duties to go into hiding, while the remaining ones inevitably where shaken down by Johnold Strumpf until they were forced to admit such a person existed out there in his jurisdiction.
At first Strumpf was in complete shock and disbelief. He went into seclusion and hardly ate anything for days.
Then Johnold Strumpf decided to commit suicide.
The end.
