I year ago, I smoked, and wrote this:

[MyFootsZZZ]

I wrote this on another message board a while ago. Understand that it IS long, and incoherent most of the time. It trails, and it’s scattered, but I want to know what you think, if you decide to reply.

Things to know before reading:

I’m dyslexic (+?), and have had to deal with not letting my obscure understanding for… ‘everything,’ get in the way of my socializing. Here’s what I wrote while I was ‘messed up’ one night, and sick of never ‘releasing’ myself through writing, out of fear that someone will increasingly find me to be quite the moron.

I hope to one day to redefine “smarts”. change the textbooks. Broaden peoples perception on what “smart” is, but not “cheapen” it. I want to back up my “brand” of “smarts” so there’s no debate on my acctual “smarts”. I don’t want to be --declaired-- “smart” by others over hippy pitty they have for me; People who WAY deep down know that I an NOT smart, but convince themselves out of pitty that they don’t know they realy feel.

I don’t want them to know I’m a dumb kid who has to try and convince people that he has a brain…

–(Strange and Ironic twist)–

If I were so confident I’m smart, why do I begin this thread explaining these mussings of mine!? my more “SEMI LOGICAL” side will be used to explain in a coherant manner why I might be spewing out so much shit! I will probibly bring up the fact that I am dyselexic and my writing style I use in this post are a representation in the world I am confronted with each time I look within myself. And I will probibly write a “dissclaimer” declairing that I AM a little ‘high’. as if that REALLY changes my sadness and bitterness twards the human race. As if these thaoghts don’t exist deep within, and I don’t trust that they are worthy of my contemplating them. “Garbage thoughts” that you consious brain ever SO slightly acknowledges pre ridding of it asifit’s rubish. I will explain this BS the best way I can. Why do I need to explain to you why I say the things I do if I’m so smart, Why do I have to sell this little speach I’m making? Why will I write “please read” on the tittle?

MAYBE I hope that someone sees it’s art form of this post? If no one replies, does that mean that they didn’t “get it” or that they didn’t care? As if they were above it all. Are they?

Maybe I do it because VERRYY subconsiously I hope to find a woman who “gets it” because that means she is at the same “level” of “worldly unserstandings” as me? Not nessisarally (worse)than others, but the “same”? The question isn’t “are we all brilliant in different ways?” it’s “Are we all dumb in different ways?”

WHY CAN’T I TRUST THAT I’M SMART!?
That I’m worth a damn upstairs? It’s just so lonely being yourself, why even messure it?
But I feel it. Why can’t I take a scientific aproach on subjects that don’t have to do with science? That we have a soul, and a good one at that. Why can’t I aply the science of “weighing in all solutions”, and not only aply what other people feel about your feelings, but what you acctually FEEL. Should we rule out our precieivng something more than science? Magic. how can we rule out our own gut feeling? That’s important too!? Why can’t I learn to trust my instincs and not others? If I am “free” with freewill, maybe that means People in genereal are worht a damn, and aren’t just “advanced” insect. If that’s true, than I could be worht a damn.

You judge me with your eyes, looking at what I do (like writing this) in disgust because the way I look, (clothing and such) /or sound/ or act doesn’t match what you have been taught was “RIGHT” way before you went to grade school, and before you took your first step, and before you left your mother’s stomache. How you were taught to look, sound, or act is something that I don’t think I could ever be. My brain is a monster to you. Not an evil monster, but a defformedy where people hear my thoughts as if they were looking at Frankenstien. A monster. There are more PC tittles I would love to aply to my conssiounes, like “different”, “deformed”, or I would even rather “cripple” to “monsterous”.

It’s really just different. I hope it’s just different, and not retarded. I hope that it’s just not put together the same way, instead of the “right” way. Maybe there’s a reason why I misspell word, use words that don’t exist, don’t sum up my whole argument in one parragraph at the end, use words that mean other things in our langage, have a hard time learning things assosieted with numbers, and go on and on about one thing no one cares about, and don’t use proper grammer… Maybe I have a brain that’s relevent, and I’m letting others trick me into thinking it isn’t. If I go on thinking that I’m smart, I have to make sure to remindmyself that I’m not Christ. I have to be humble about it, even in the mists of dissbeleife. I shal never give a shit what you might think of me; and that means I must not do anything to sway someone’s free will into thinking otherwise. I must know that, at heart, am normal and harmless to others. I must fight for those who would judge me…

-now I’m starting to sound like Jesus again (slaps head).

~fin~