I met an old friend from high school at my 30 year reunion. He was doing great, married to the same woman, doing what he’d planned to do in high school (teaching), has good kids, and a good relationship with his family.
At first I thought, “How boring for you…” But on further reflection, I stopped to wonder if I could really consider my life better. I’ve never married, never had kids, had a couple of crazy affairs and some fairly serious emotional distress, don’t have a “career” (I’ve had a couple of long-term jobs, but not a “career”.) I’m starting to worry that the jokes I made in high school about ending up as a bag lady might come true.
My parents were married for almost 50 years, until my father’s death. I never heard them fight. I very rarely heard them disagree. They raised 5 children to be both intelligent and polite. To understand that people will judge you by the actions they observe. That to disagree doesn’t mean you have to shout, call names, hit each other, etc. How sad for my poor family to treat each other with respect.
I posted to the Functional Family thread, and trust me, my family is not Stepford. (I’m giggling at this thought, actually.)
It’s possible for a family to be functional without being zombies. Sheesh. I’m looking over that thread again now, and I think “smugly perfect” is a pretty inaccurate description of most of those posts. I sense bitterness.
ummmm…hm.
Maybe I should define “Stepford” a little better than. Cookie cutter, everybody looks like everybody else, every house is painted the same, every child has basically the same names, everyone has basically the same attitudes, and anyone who does not fit this mold is looked down upon for daring to be different, when obviously, this suburban dream is heaven itself. That is my idea of “Stepford.”
And so far, Kyla ], most of the bitterness and sarcasm has been directed toward me. How dare I point fingers? When, actually, I didn’t. I said this post was a counter point. I did not single out any one poster.
PS…Oh, yeah. And everyone owns the same car. Probably a Land Rover.
I think you need to re-read it, as you missed two very important points.
The OP was asking if there were any families out there that hadn’t experienced abuse, rape, alcoholism, and other rough events. People were chiming in saying whether or not they had a non-dysfunctional childhood or not. Are you really saying that if you didn’t have a drunken dad that raped you nightly, you’re a Stepford zombie?
Plenty of people noted that they had eccentric families, argued, and otherwise had things that might be considered “dysfunctional” yet they still loved each other deeply and stood by each other. Heck, I admitted to having mental/emotional difficulties that the white picket fence out back didn’t protect me against. So if they don’t count, what exactly does one have to do to be a non-conformist around here?
I would suggest you buy a finer-tipped brush, as you’re painting with far too wide of one.
I’ve been told (off-boards) that I come across as smug when I talk about my marriage.
I had no idea being content and happy with my life = smug.
As far as others marriages go, if it works for you, I’m happy for you. I’m absurdly happy with my life, but I don’t for one second think that others would be happy with it. It would be boring if everyone wanted the same out of life as I do (not to mention more expensive!).
I guess I’m trying to say, I for one don’t give two hoots if you want a Stepford-style life, a non-conformist wild life, or whatever. Just do what makes you happy and ignore the detractors from both sides.
I’ve always wondered about this. A few years back I was interviewing for nanny postitions. Of course, they were all in the “rich” area of town. Every single mom that interviewed me was a stay at home mom. Now, the ones who worked at home, I can understand. But the ones who didn’t? Who also had housekeepers? What are you doing all day that you need a nanny??
I don’t understand all of the hostility being directed towards Maureen. Defensive much?
Well, I posted to the other thread before I read this one, but I have to say…my family was so far from “Stepford” that it made me chuckle to think of it.
My mom worked when no one else’s mom worked.
My dad didn’t wear a suit…he worked for the city. The street department. He was essentially a laborer. He was promoted to supervisor at one point, but he didn’t like it…he had to "pick on people"and “wear a suit” and he didn’t like it. So, back to the jackhammers. After work, he went to his second job at a hardware store, where he fixed things, delivered things, whatever they needed him to do. On weekends he mowed lawns.
Mom worked full time, sewed all my clothes and volunteered to anything that had to do with us kids.
And they both worked tirelessly in our church.
“Stepford Family?” Heh…I don’t THINK so. More like real people who loved each other and the children they were blest with. Who struggled with life but held TRUE priorities close to their heart. People with hopes and dreams that weren’t all that inflated…just dreams for their children to be good and honorable people who knew what was REALLY important in life…and for their children to know that you have to work to get it. And that you have to give to others or you aren’t doing what we were put here on this earth to DO.
That’s a heartwarming story scotticher but the OP wasn’t accusing all families that stay together as “stepfords”, she was describing a certain “type” of family. Which obviously, yours wasn’t.
I had no problem with the OP as it stood, though I do understand the point of the posters who were commenting on the “must adhere to non-conformism” aspect. What I personally didn’t like was the later comparison to the posters in the “non-dysfunctional family” thread; I thought it missed the point of that thread entirely, especially since that previous thread had been posted in reaction to other threads. And yes, perhaps I am defensive - I resent being called a Stepford wife just because I had a (lower-)middle class family that had a white picket fence around their suburban house, a dog, and no divorce/abuse/alcoholism/arrests.
Besides, maybe I’m just not conforming by speaking up.
Though this thread spins off from several in IMHO it’s better suited in The Pit.
And lest this move be used as fuel for flaming, the OP notified with second thoughts about placement. Discussions build and grow. Since this topic is getting heated I’m just gonna tactfully shuffle the group into another room.
I’m sure your poor ma would have appreciated some conformity that day.
If they are happy–and not just pretending to be “perfect”–why is this hell to you?
Unless these kids are sad, you shouldn’t feel sorry for them. Not every kid is a Tom Sawyer or Ramona Quimby. And if they were, that would be conforming, right? I would hate a world full of farting loud-mouth, grubby-looking kids.
Sorry…but aren’t you doing this? Looking down on couples who don’t have your idea of a perfect marriage? Their idea of “cute” is dressing up the same. Your idea of “cute” is wearing different clothes. Why is your opinion more valid than theirs? Could it be that what works for you wouldn’t work for them and that no one is “right” in this situation?
Not everyone wants the same thing out of marriage and family. You obviously like learning and growing and being intellectually challenged. Some people just like to have someone warm and snuggly to come home to. Maybe they aren’t as smart as you, but that doesn’t mean that “stagnant” is bad for them. I know when I think of my future spouse, I don’t want a sparring partner. I just want someone who will say, “Don’t worry, baby. Everything will be fine” at the end of the day. If we get into debates, fine. But that’s not exactly what I’d be looking for in a mate. I would never think to judge someone who did, though.
maureen, were you even reading the same thread that the rest of us were? I did not see any posts in that thread that described a family life that you deplore so much in your OP. The fact that you’re reacting so strongly against a stereotype that wasn’t even expressed in the original thread is what causes me to think that you are bitter.
The thread was about functional families. I posted to it because, yup, my family is functional. My parents are married, own their home, sit down to eat dinner together, my dad coached my softball team when I was a kid, and my mom volunteered for my 4-H club. I live thousands of miles away from them now, and I get in trouble if I don’t call or write often enough. Happy family time. (Like I wrote in the other thread, my sister is a crazy person, but she’s a teenager. So we live in hope.)
Does that mean we are some weird creepy conformists, who all wear Gap clothes, have Starbucks coffee and have highlighted hair? I sincerely doubt it. (Especially the Starbucks bit, since my entire family boycotts them.) My parents were married barefoot with flowers in their hair in Berkeley in 1973 and they’ve been doing their own stuff ever since.
Am I the only one getting suspenderzzzzzzzz flashbacks?
Lezlers,
Usually we see eye to eye on stuff, but not this time.
Here is why I think that hostility is being directed toward Maureen:
It’s great to have opinions and all, but in this case, what’s it to her? Honestly now? She goes on to say how, really, she’s only talking about a certain type of family…but proves other wise when she refers to people in that other thread as ‘smug’. But, keep in mind, she is not trying to slam anyone. Riiiiiiiiiight.
She isn’t pointing fingers, either…except at the people in the other thread.
What it comes down to, I suppose, is that if you are happy in your own life, why should you (the general you) give a shit about how other people live their lives?
Why should you give a shit if they have cookie cutter homes, if they have Nannies or drive a land rover?
