Hello? Am I caller number 20? Did I win the prize?
Liberal, why is it that the candidates from the major parties haven’t adopted your positions on the issues? Is it because corporate interests are keeping them from listening to the will of the people?
::::wonders what life would have been like under God Handy::: :eek:
Sorry, the show’s been cancelled. Luckily, MPSIMS has picked it up for another season.
Hello? Am I on yet? Is it my turn? Do I go now?
Now?
Hi, Liberal. I’m a first time caller. I want to know why everybody is so much against Global Warnings. I would think that people would be grateful for Warning systems. I like to know when there are going to be like tornadoses and hurricanes and suenammies. And wild fires in California. And mud slidings.
I am goin’ to hang up now and listen to what you have to say.
I think the Brits are better than that, frankly. Remember that they have been our friends for a long time. We couldn’t have won the Revolutionary War without them.
Sorry, you missed it by 1. But try again because we’ll have great prizes for the caller after you.
Actually, Zoe, it’s not Global Warning. It’s Global Worming. But don’t worry. Most reputable scientists don’t believe it in anyway. They believe in a young earth. We won’t need to worm people on a global scale until a couple thousand years from now, after the sun burns out.
That’s part of it, but the bulk of the blame is shouldered by our seventh president, Andrew Jackson. His pacifism and charitable heart gave noncoercion the bad name it has today. Had he not allowed the courts and Congress to run roughshod over him, it is entirely possible that he could have eliminated corporations altogether. He loved corporations as much as he did Indians and slaves. We also have to blame him for the invasion of Iraq and for the failed Mars missions.
Dear Liberal,
Are you part of the conspiracy and/or conspiracies that hate America, heterosexuality, capitalism, the military, the free market system and freedom, and if so, can you tell us the passwords and how to do the secret handshakes?
No doubt, Knowed Out. Yes, I hate all those. The password is […whispering…]. The handshake is a clevis rag shake, similar to the popular ouato handshake between Japanese and Polish merchants of the 13th century. But keep the thumb open.
Hello? I’d like to order a large supreme with extra toppings and I’d like to pay by credit card.
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. Dr. Mustapha Bello.
No. 16, Kingsway Road, Ikoyi-lagos, Nigeria.
Tel/fax: 234-1-7747907. 21st, March,2001.
ATTN: LIBERAL OF THE STRAIGHT DOPE MESSAGE BOARD
SIR,
REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP.
First, I Must Solicit Your Confidence In This Transaction. This Is By Virtue Of Its Nature As Being Utterly CONFIDENTIAL And TOP SECRET. You Have Been Recommended By An Associate Who Assured Me In Confidence Of Your Ability And Reliability To Prosecute A Transaction Of GREAT MAGNITUDE Involving A Pending Business Transaction Requiring MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.
We Are Top Officials Of The Federal Government Contract Review Panel Who Are Interested In Importation Of Goods Into Our Country With Funds Which Are Presently Trapped In Nigeria. In Order To Commence This Business We Solicit Your Assistance To Enable Us Recieve The Said Trapped Funds Abroad.
The Source Of This Fund Is AS FOLLOWS : During The Regime Of Our Late Head Of State, Gen. Sani Abacha, The Government Officials Set Up Companies And Awarded Themselves Contracts Which Were Grossly Over- Invoiced In Various Ministries. The New Civilian Government Set Up A Contract Review Panel (c.r.p) And We Have Identified A Lot Of Inflated Contract Funds Which Are Presently Floating In The Central Bank Of Nigeria (c.b.n). However, Due To Our Position As Civil Servants And Members Of This Panel, We Cannot Acquire This Money In Our Names. I Have Therefore, Been Delegated As A Matter Of Trust By My Colleagues Of The Panel To Look For An Overseas Partner Into Whose Account The Sum Of US$31,000,000.00 (THIRTY ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) Will Be Paid By Telegraphic Transfer. Hence We Are Writing You This Letter.
We Have Agreed To Share The Money Thus: 1. 70% For Us (the Officials) 2. 20% For The Foreign Partner (you) 3. 10% To Be Used In Settling Taxation And All Local And Foreign Expenses.
It Is From This 70% That We Wish To Commence The Importation Business. Please Note That This Transaction Is 100% SAFE And We Hope That The Funds Can Arrive Your Account In Latest TEN (10) BANKING DAYS From The Date Of Reciept Of The Following Information. A Suitable Name And Bank Account Into Which The Funds Can Be Paid.
The Above Information Will Enable Us Write Letters Of Claim And Job Description Respectively. This Way We Will Use Your Company’s Name To Apply For Payments And Re-award The Contract In Your Company Name.
We Are Looking Forward To Doing Business With You And Solicit Your CONFIDENTIALITY In This Transaction.
Please Acknowledge Receipt Of This Letter Using The Above Tel/fax Number. I Will Bring You Into The Complete Picture Of This Pending Project When I Have Heard From You.
Yours Faithfully,
DR MUSTAPHA BELLO.
Liberal, why doesn’t everyone realize how smart you are? Is it because you are too good looking?
Zebra from Brooklyn
I have a Mazzarretti 227ZDG with dual muffler bearings and chrome torsion valves. What is the correct wine for the radiator?
Sounds good to me! I’ve sent a cashier’s check made payable to “CASH”, along with a personal financial statement listing account details of all my investments and banks. Just send me my share when it’s convenient for you.
Good question, Zebra. I think it’s just that they aren’t smart enough to realize how smart I am. My producers tell me that I have the highest IQ of anyone in the Western hemisphere. That sort of dedication to fact-finding and unbiased information is why I pay them so much more than they could earn anywhere else.
That depends, elucidator. What color is your car? And is it a kit fitted onto a Volkswagen chassis, or is it in fact a genuine Maserati? If you can’t figure any of that out, I’d just go with a White Zinfandel. Even though it isn’t really white. You can usually buy it by the jug.