I'd like to introduce you to my husband's "friend"

[Litoris]

This bitch is a work of art. Her husband – who is actually my husband’s friend – is a nice guy. A little odd, but otherwise pretty cool. I like him ok. The wife – I shall call her “Willow” – is another story. She’s one of those people that is always complaining. About anything and everything. Nothing is ever her fault – she has trouble understanding that the only common denominator for all of her failed relationships, job interviews, attempts for promotions, etc is HER.
She goes through the most predictable cycles every few weeks:

1. I hate my job, everyone there is incompetent except me, they all suck, the rules are stupid, I hate them all.
2. Oh, wish me luck, I just applied for a new job! I think I will get it because I am so awesome and my boss said he would recommend me!
3. I decided I didn’t want that other job, mine is so much better, and the people I work with are so much smarter, nicer, cuter, cooler, etc.
4. I didn’t get that job, oh well, I think I am about to get a promotion.
5. I got fired! WTF? I am the best person in the world, and I have superpowers, how dare they! Oh well, I can get any job I want, I am so awesome.
6. I got a job. I am being trained to be master of the universe and GM.
7. I hate my job as a cashier, everyone here sucks, ad infinitum

I read her blogs for the same reason you slow down and rubberneck when you see a wreck – I just can’t fucking believe anyone could really be that bad. Ugh. I just thought I would share this week’s blog with you all, as it really shows her inner beauty. Copy/pasted all misspellings/racism/idiocy intact:

Ok so I haven’t blog in a while and if you have been reading my moods at times you’ll know that this job gets on my nerves! It’s not a hard job but it’s very, very, very repetitive!! So, not only that but they have cut all of our hours down. So instead of getting the 40 hrs a week like I was suppose to get, I’m getting maybe 28! This really sucks! That I’m so tired of every stereotype that walks into the store. Black and white! For example, I’m tired of Tameka and Bay bay’s kids coming in. Gurlfriend got her nails done and hair done and got food stamp, but she’s carrying a Dooney and Bourke purse with a Louis Vuitton change purse. So if it’s not real! I know where your priories stand! Your ancestors once were slaves and you are too. A slave to the government is what you are! I’m also tired of the Obama “bling”. Does our president know that he’s a sell out to all…and I’ll be nice…negros around the states. Do understand I’m not racist but the stereotype still lingers. If you want to act ignorant, do it somewhere else! You don’t have always live in the ghetto! Better your freaking selves! You don’t have wear stupid shit like that to get attention. Yes I know you voted for him cause his “black” but do you really know about his politics? I didn’t think so. Also some hospitals go by the mother’s race. Wasn’t Obama’s momma white? But I Goggled him and they say “He is the first African American to hold the office.” I think they need to look at the birth record myself. He’s about as black as I am! Yeah and take a look at the picture on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama. You’ll find a picture of his granddaddy. Wow he’s white too! I know in your eyes he’s “black” but in my eyes is white and his politic suck. I know there should be only one race and that is the human race but you have stepped on that boundary and pissed me off. If I had one thing to say to you is that my people were slaves long before any Africans were. Nothing was said when the white man came and sent all of the Native Americans to reservations. If it’s anyone that needs “attention” is the Native Americans, they were here first. Hey, along with the Mexicans. That’s why they’re all coming back over here to claim their ancestors land. Anyway, I had to rant about race because it seems that since I’ve been over in East Nashville I see the “typical stereotype” and never really talked about it openly. Heck some of the black girls I work with talk about them too! Pretty funny if you think about it. I feel that this generation of blacks, a few not all, really forget the true meaning of what some of their leaders stood for.They take it to the next level of hate and the attitude of someone owes them something. A burden that has been carried on probably from generation to generation. This burden has either made them a better person or makes them into that “stereotype”. I think about when my parent we in high school and the people they knew that went through segeration and fought for their rights as equals and succeeded and went on. Then there are those who thought that wasn’t enough. Those are the stereotypes. You want to be equal but yet you want to ignorant? I when I mean by that you have to have the best this and the best of that and be outlandishing ( is that a word) and outshine the others by wearing bling and stupid shit like that. I’m also so tired of hearing your stereo. Not ever one likes crap, I mean rap. And the speakers only make your trunk rattle. This will evenually make your bumper lose and cause it fall off since you got a old hooptie Caddy! I really don’t get it? Maybe I’m the ignornat one?

[corkboard]

I think her last sentence says it all.

[Litoris]

That was my thought, too.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

I like the last sentence and the preceding four.

I’m also so tired of hearing your stereo. Not ever one likes crap, I mean rap. And the speakers only make your trunk rattle. This will evenually make your bumper lose and cause it fall off since you got a old hooptie Caddy! I really don’t get it? Maybe I’m the ignornat one?

I’m a really big fan of this little stream of this little stream-of-consciousness segment:

If you want to act ignorant, do it somewhere else! You don’t have always live in the ghetto! Better your freaking selves!

[lieu]

I’m not much of a fan of “segeration” either. Now Steve Miller, him I like.

[Boyo_Jim]

What language is this woman speaking? I can imagine her ranting about ebonics, but ebonics is practically Shakespearean compared to the pidgin English she’s writing.

[Polycarp]

@lieu

I’m not much of a fan of “segeration” either. Now Steve Miller, him I like.

You should be shot with a silver bullet* for that one!

*This is an effort at making a bad pun, and should not be construed to imply wishing death, harm, or even constipation on lieu or any other person who is staff, member, guest, or in any other way affiliated with these boards.

[Hampshire]

That’s pretty funny. If you want to know what goes on inside a white trash gal from East Nashville’s head there you have it.
I’m glad that she cleared up the fact for me that she’s not a racist but the stereotypes still linger.

[Nava]

Remark from one of my coworkers, seeing the OP in passing “what a wall of text! Does the writer work in construction or something?”

[Minnie_Luna]

I’m not racist but

always accompanies a racist statement

[Litoris]

Seriously, one of my favourite blogs of hers was one in which she ranted about how her coworkers had “such bad grammer” and “coulnt spell there way out of a papar bag!” I am admittedly a grammar nazi and it actually is painful for me to read her blogs. This one, though, takes the cake.
Hampshire – the funny part about what you said is that this woman is from a very privileged home. White trash (like any other racial stereotype) is not based on finances or upbringing, but on individual ignorance.

[zweisamkeit]

Ha ha! I have a friend on LiveJournal that I keep for the same sad entertainment value. This is the girl who will complain how she’s gotten SO FAT (she’s now a size 8) since she’s gained about 20 lbs since moving, but then write:

Those Roastburgers from Arby’s are pretty good. I had the bacon cheddar one, and it was yummy. Only downfall is that it (along with curly fries) was not remotely filling. I think I’ll stick to the Pick 5 because 2 Arby Melts, curly fries, apple turnover, and drink are much more filling, and cost the same price as the Roastburger combo.

Jesus Christ! Two arby melts, curly fries, a turnover and regular (she doesn’t drink diet) pop is around 1550 calories! No freakin’ wonder you’re gaining weight!
Or this gem:

Sorry if this seems racist, but to me MLK Day is one of the most pointless national holidays. My sorry WHITE ass has to work, while all the fucking BLACK kids get the day off school and spend it at the mall where I work. That’s some service they’re doing for the community… They don’t even give a fuck about MLK or Obama. They just want a day off school because they’re BLACK. I love how they think they’re going to be alright now that we have a BLACK president (even though he’s a halfy and not 100% black).

Also, I love that my mom refers to MLK Day as “Martin Luther N****r Day”.

(asterisks are mine). She’s obviously very sorry if it sounds racist, since she goes ahead and posts it anyway. I also love how she doesn’t seem to realize that there are BLACK workers who had to work that day and WHITE school kids have the day off, too. Apparently only black students get MLK day off. And everyone who is white has to work or go to school. Or something.

[Cisco]

Ignorant people often accuse others of being ignorant
Racists often accuse others of being racist
Lazy people often accuse others of being lazy
Liars pretty much always accuse everyone else of being a huge liar
None of them are intellectually honest enough to admit to seeing a problem in themselves, or to change

These people can either be funny or completely maddening to watch, depending on your attitude. I teeter on the precipice.

[Half_Man_Half_Wit]

I’m a bit sorry I read that, since it means that because there’s apparently a real person behind it, I can’t hold on to my desperate hope that whenever I read something like that on the net, it’s really just a sophisticated postmodern parody.

[Litoris]

I thought I might drop a few excerpts from her other blogs for everyone to get a better view of “Willow”. This is from right before she quit her previous “management” job – and speaks volumes about her work ethic (or lack thereof):

So, I go in today at the *********** to get my stuff to take my drug test.( I’ll pass with flying colors!) Then I go in Monday at 8am to the ********* store for orientation and get that out of the way. My last day at RTG is Dec. 27th and I start at ********** the 5th. I told them at ********* that my manager wanted me to stay til the first of the year since we’re so short handed. Yeah I lied. I’m giving myself a week off. I have 3 vacation days and a personal day that *********will pay me out. So no real worries on the cash flow. I also got some savings if need be until i get paid for my new job. I’m not really worried. Yesterday really proved myself on how much I really need to leave ********. I had this customer, big drama queen, really heavy on the queen, that I have been working with of almost 3 weeks. He has had lots of returns and reselects and he demanded we straighten his funds out as far as dollar transfers go. He claimed that we still owe him $1200 on his Master Card and $6000 on his GE finance part. Looking at all the orders (he had like 10) we didn’t owe him a penny. All the dollar transfer were applied and he would get back $5000 on GE. About a week and half ago he called and said he got his GE bill and he got the $5000 portion back but we still owed him $1000 on GE and that credit on his Master Card. I told him I would have my boss look into it and have her call him. Well, she’s been really busy going from store to store. She was in Knoxville for a while cause they fired the office manager and ther asst. manager. Go fig! Anyway, she never got around to calling him but she did send me and e-mail about having **********talk to the guy. Now he’s the last person on the earth that I would want to deal with this guy! So, yesterday the queen called and was yelling at me since no body had called him and nothing was taking care of his funds. I apologized and told him how busy ********had been. He didn’t care and had the nerve to ask me, “how the hell did i get a managers position?” Boy that struck a nerve in me! At this point I put him on hold, called *********, left her a message and told her I was giving him her cell number. I really didn’t care of the outcome on this. What would they do, fire me? So I got back on the other line with this faggot and gave him *********'s number and slammed the phone down and hung up. About five minutes later, ********was calling on the backline, screaming at me! “You don’t give my cell to ANY customers!”, she yelled. I tried to talk but she keep interupting me. “I can’t believe you did that,” on and on she went. I finally got a word out. Told her this customer was pissed and insulted me and insisted that I give him her number. She said something else about never doing it again and hung up.I thought “I won’t do it again. I won’t be here much longer anyway!” So anyway, I walked into the break room fuming with anger.Customers are yelling at me and now *********. What a great way to exit this job! Then the backline ran again. It was ********again,this time with different attitude. Her voice calm and sweet. Totally different. She asked if I would e-mail her the orders of the customer and she would look into it. WOW! Jekyll and Hyde there for a brief moment! Now I wonder what the reason for her to call back with a calm and serene voice was all about? Like nothing ever happened. I’m beginning to wonder if she forgot about my 2 weeks notice. Maybe she thought she’d better be nice to me on my last 2 weeks here. Cause if I leave early she’ll have come up here to Nashville and play office manager.I mean, I really wouldn’t care if I left early. I know I wouldn’t get my vavaction days, but that would leave only 2 people in the office for the holidays and that would suck! I am trying to be nice these last 2 weeks! Don’t push me!

So, basically, a guy has the nerve to be upset that no one bothers to contact him about approximately $6000 in errors – how dare he? So she thinks the proper action is to give out her boss’ personal cell phone number? I kid you not. If I had been that boss, I would have fired her on the spot for that, regardless of how short-handed I was.

****'s used to protect the innocent, this idiot doesn’t care, so I had to re-read the trainwreck to make sure I didn’t leave any names intact. WTF is a “vavaction day”?

[Harmonious_Discord]

That blog would make an awesome greeting in a card. Maybe send it to her for her birthday.

[Litoris]

I do apologise for the “wall of text” but that is a cut and paste exactly as it appears on her blog…sigh…

[billfish678]

Rejoice…

For you have found the ancient one reincarnated…the one who was the model for all SDMBers to follow

[Jackmannii]

I don’t think there’s actually a DSM category for this person’s personality disorder, but there should be.

I am also hazarding a guess that her cellphone bills are astronomical.

[Missy2U]

It never ceases to amaze me. The sheer - what would you call it? Self involvement? of some people. They put this kind of crap on the internet - on a “blog” - because WHY? WHO FUCKING CARES (I mean other than for the comedic value - Litoris - I will send you $5 if you email me the direct link to this - she makes me feel SMART!) about the minutiae of her sad little life - is she deluded enough to think she has a FAN BASE???

I can’t work up enough enthusiasm to give that much of a shit about my own damn day let alone someone elses. Snort - this just cracked me up! And I’m serious - she makes me feel smart! Thank you for sharing, Litoris!!!

Seriously - I’ll send you $5 for the URL - I would love to pass this around to some friends, too! It’s a riot and a 1/2!