“Now then, let’s see, what was I gonna say…?”
Oh, yeah — now then. What the heck does that mean?? It’s either now, or it’s then; can it somehow be both??
Well… I hope someone knows or has a theory. (‘Well’ is another one)…
I like “Going to hell in a handbasket”! It gives you this great image…hehe. I can’t remember any whoop-di- do-whiz-bang ones but that will change when I get a free moment or two. HEheh.
Similarly, a friend of mine in college would say, “Hey- who’s fucking this dog?!?” in that situation. I’ve used it a couple of times, but people look at me strangely.
To describe a disorganized, messy, confusing, or mis-managed situation:
"It’s like an octopus fucking a bagpipe!
[sub]Personal Favorite[/sub]
I’ve always liked a device they sometimes use on NYPD Blue to further demean the subject of an disparaging remark. Instead of saying something like, “Some moron left his business card at the murder scene,” they’d say, “Some half a moron left his business card at the murder scene.” I like it. Subtle, not too flashy, but effective.
“So confused he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.”
“The best part of you dribbled down your mother’s leg when she got out of the back seat of the car.”
[ul]
Mad as a cut snake
May your chickens hatch into emus and kick your dunny down
I’d rather hang out of that than a gum tree
Three axehandles across the backside
Goes like a cut cat
You’ve got two chances: Buckley’s and none
Belted piss and pickhandles out of 'em
[/ul]
My friend’s dad used to say,“Well, it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.”
My mom is fond of saying “My stomach feels like my throat’s been cut” when she’s hungry.
I love the similies Dennis Miller uses in his rants, like “more adept at slinging bullshit than a Pamplona street sweeper” and “more tort happy than Pavarotti turned loose in an Entemann’s factory.”
It passes the inter-ocular trauma test-for something that hits you right between the eyes
“Strong like ox, smart like tractor.” For full effect, speak in as heavy a Slavic accent as you can muster.
“Better than a kick in the teeth with a frozen mukluk.”
For the old “praying to the porcelain god”, we have “calling Ralph over the Great White Telephone”, and “going bowling”.
His elevator don’t go to the top.
The porch light’s on but nobody’s home.
All his dogs ain’t barkin.
Her butt looks like two bulldogs in a sack.
I feel like a bagful of sore assholes.
Whaddaya think, your sh*t don’t stink?
I ain’t eaten in a bear’s age.
Threats:
I’m gonna be all over you like:
~ white on rice
~ ugly on an ape
~ stink on sh*t.
I’m gonna rip your head off and drink outta the hole! (a personal favorite)
Bill Cosby (to a disobediant child):
I’ll beat you so bad you don’t grow no more.
I brought into this world, and I’ll take you out.
Bad come-on lines:
Baby, I’m gonna tickle your bellybutton from the inside.
Curses:
Jesus Christ on toast with little fishies on the side!
Probably the most awe-inspiring curse I ever heard was from a spanish-speaking friend who translated it as something like:
Quit slapping me in the face with your dck covered in sht from f*ing Christ in the a!
Filling the thunder mug.
She dropped him like a turd from a tall cow’s ass.
slicker than snot on a glass doorknob
slicker than catshit on linoleum
From the movie Matewan
I wouldn’t piss on him if his heart was on fire.
you have three chances: slim, fat, and none
The redneck word of understatement is “about.”
Instead of saying “he’s a real asshole,” say
“he’s about an asshole.”
I always used “going bowling” for smoking weed, but that was back in my drug days. (Pot pipes being referred to as “bowls,” hence smoking a bowl was “going bowling.”)
When it’s really hot out, you might hear me say that I’m “sweating like a hooker on double-coupon night” or “sweating like a slut on prom night.”
-Syko
“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” - Ralph Wiggum
Oh yeah … “bleeding like a virgin on her wedding night” is another favorite of mine. Sorry about the double-post but it totally slipped my mind.
-Syko again
(and Ralph’s cat’s breath still smells like cat food.)
Great thread. I have tons of Silky-isms…at least that’s what my friends (well, people that know me) call them.
“I’m so hungry I could eat the ass end out of a rag doll.”
“Aw, that bitch makes my clit itch…” (I know, kinda raw for IMHO, but anyway…)
“I wanna (insert instance of choice here) so bad I could shit purple monkeys.”
“Damn. Some people’s kids.”
“If you can “huh?”, you can HEAR.”
“Hooty by far…” or “Hoot-square”.
“I gotta shit like a crippled 'coon.” (That’s a Mr.Silky favorite)
“She/he looks like she/he’s been shot at and missed and shit at and hit.”
Nah, they’re not all original, by a long shot. But nobody I know knows that! 
Speaking of Ralph Wiggum:
“My cat’s name is Mittens.”
“It tastes like…BURNING!”
“When I grow up, I’m going to bovine university!”
“That’s where I sawed a leprechaun. He told me to burn things.”
And of course, Ralph’s leprechaun:
“Aye, you’ve done a fine job, laddie. Now ya know what ya got to do…Burn the house down! BURN THEM ALL!”
“You’ll be so surprised, you’re eyebrows will re-define your hairline!”
I like also, “paying thru the nose”. Any idea of the origin?
Someone remind me to always preview my posts.
“You’ll be so surprised, your eyebrows will re-define your hairline!”
So-and-so “got beat with an ugly stick,” or “fell out of an Ugly Tree. (and hit every branch on the way down.)”
And as the all-knowing Ralph Wiggum so eloquently put it, “I bent my wookie.”
-Syko