It becomes one of those unwinnable arguments, because the points made by someone with no particular drinking problem who wants to continue drinking more than the trivial amount generally accepted as “social” these days… sound just those of like the drunk in total denial, because they’re countering that ingrained, religious-gospel AA-think that’s tainted and distorted the discussion for three generations or so.
Everyone Knows Drinking Is Bad. But A Little Is Okay. You Drink Too Much, Though, and Therefore You’re Some Stage of Alcoholic No Matter What Your Actual Personal Health and History. Nyah.
I’m more or less in the ‘John’ boat, drink fairly heavily about one (weekend) night per week. If ‘Jane’ asked me to stop, I’d probably conclude we weren’t a good match for each other.
Can you grok that society/life is stupid and irritating? Or at least grok that some feel that way? Beers makes me feel less stabby and dumbs me down into toleration instead of irritation.
Having said that, back to the OP:
I don’t like being hammered. I like GETTING drunk more than BEING drunk. A nice mild buzz is best maintained throughout the day/night (days/hours off work/after everything gets done)
The wifey on the other hand, drinks only the weekends, but when she does, she gets super stupid sloppy.
Our different drinking patterns annoy each other. (she hates there being constant beer cans/bottles everywhere, I hate that she loses her phones/keys/wallets/cloths) But we would never try and get the other to stop dead.
So, in conclusion, based on my one stupid anecdote, Jane can go fuck herself.
I would greatly weight a time element to deciding one way or another. If Jane came up with this in week one of a relationship then he should run the other way. If they have been together 3 years then there is more to the story of why this is coming up now.
Do you feel the same way about marijuana? How about Heroin? Cocaine?
Which drugs are an inalienable right and which are OK to prohibit in a relationship?
Has anyone mentioned age as a contributing factor to consider?
In my 20s I mostly just drank at parties. In my 30s I might go to a bar, but it was for food and drinks usually. In my 40s I began drinking more often in bars, and in my 50s I added wine at home with meals to the equation.
I met with my Wednesday drinking buddies last night and I realized the only one of us who ever gets shit from their SO over drinking is the youngster, who is 34.
other - cut back a bit, if he has 5 beers on Friday nights, cut back to 3
Being able to make that choice is a clear indication he can control his drinking.
Jane might notice personalty changes after he drinks too much. Cutting back a bit means he can get a slight buzz and still be the same guy she took out.
I’d moderate my drinking given Jane’s family history. I would not stop entirely.
If I were John I would certainly be open to negotiation. If I agreed to stop drinking perhaps there’s something she could agree to do that would make me happier.
I feel like even if he quits drinking the next demand is he stop hanging around with people who drink because they might tempt him to drink and that makes her uncomfortable.
I would have the same reaction if she casually smoked pot or snorted coke, but wanted her boyfriend to give it up entirely. The fact that she uses the drug casually without a problem makes it clear that she knows it’s a possibility, so her asking him to give it up entirely
In a more general sense, I would treat pot about like alcohol - even if it’s not technically legal where you are, the legality is not generally a big deal. It’s definitely possible to use it for fun without addiction, and it’s probably safer than alcohol. You don’t have to buy in to an entire lifestyle to use it either.
Drugs like cocaine, heroin, and meth are very different. For one thing, they are much more addictive, and being a casual user of them is pretty damn rare. They are also significantly more illegal than pot, so there is a big legal risk around possessing them, and their distribution channels tend to be a lot more scary. With the legal and social climate around hard drugs, I’m not sure that it’s possible to even be a casual user like you can with alcohol. And I’ve never known anyone who used them regularly who fit into what I’d call a legit lifestyle, there’s always a lot of shady stuff going on next to them even if they’re not actually criminal themselves.
I would argue that only drinking one night a week indicates that he can control his drinking. In addition, the question is if John was to cut back would there be any other reason than “I’ve had alcoholism in my family”? Does John become a bad drunk, so to speak? If John is a perfectly friendly drunk and doesn’t drink and drive, then Jane is simply not trusting him due to what others have done. That sort of thing isn’t really healthy.
For most people, the amount of alcohol you’d need to drink to be over the legal limit for driving is surprisingly small, so I don’t really think that just because you’ve had enough to drink that you shouldn’t drive means you’re inebriated or drinking excessively.