If Elvis was alive right now?

Crystal Meth.

Went to a Perkins restaurant in Wisconsin, and they had peanut butter and banana french toast.

I’ve had grilled PB & 'nanner sandwiches – PB gets a bit runny, though. I grew up in the south eating PB on sliced bananas.

He would have gotten clean with the help of a variety of 12 step programs, opened his own series of clinics and be doing motivational speeches and selling self help books and CDs.

People would barely remember that he used to sing.

I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Right up until he died he was still playing sold out concerts.

And I’ve seen footage of his last concert. The crowd was huge and his singing was really horrible. So they weren’t coming because he was still good, but rather because he was Elvis.

Quentin Tarantino said in an interview a while back that if Elvis were alive, Tarantino would desperately have wanted Elvis to play Bill in the Kill Bill movies. Ever since I heard him say that, I can’t get over the thought of how unbelievably awesome that would have been. Elvis had amazing charisma and could dominate a movie screen like nobody’s business, plus he famously had martial arts training.

If he were alive now he would by necessity have gotten himself clean and taken up some kind of healthy(-er) lifestyle. I suspect he’d still be recording, continuing to sing the gospel music he loved (and for which he won his only Grammys). I hope, and strongly suspect, that he’d still be living here in Memphis. Assuming he had some shrewd business advisers, he’d be insanely wealthy, having made $4.2 billion up to 1977.

He’d be spitting nails over Lisa Marie being involved with Scientology and marrying Michael Jackson.

Eh, I think he’d be over it by now. She’s turning out OK. She was a little, ah, “confused” for a while there, but heck, so was I; it’s probably best for the morale of the nation as a whole that I wasn’t followed around by TV cameras during the early 1990s.

Jacko, however, would have actually needed all that cosmetic surgery when E got done with him.

You win at the internet!

But so were a lot of people who are now headlining in Branson. The quasi-religious stuff really didn’t take off while he was (corporeally) alive.

There’s a legend about a Hollywood agent who, upon hearing of Elvis’ death, paused, nodded, and commented “Good career move.” Turns out he was right.

Elvis for president in 2008!