If he dithers around aimlessly for a decade, this just might work

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Title reference.

My wife’s cousin, let’s call him Chad, is a case study in how bad parenting can cause lasting harm. His mother ran out on the family and his dad is a professional sponge. Chad is 26 and hasn’t been able to hold down a job. Far from being a lazy asshole though, he’s an immensely likable guy. He has no idea that he has a poor work ethic; naively useless, I would say.

A few years back he fell in love with an evangelic Christian who worked her magic on his fragile mind and then left him a foot away from the altar. It absolutely devastated him, partly because he couldn’t figure out why God would bring them so close together and then tear them apart, and partly (speculation on my part) because he was so close to finally getting laid.

After a rocky year things finally turned around; he found a new Christian girl to not sleep with, and he landed a low-paying job as a youth minister. Well, “low-paying” is a bit kind; nearest I can tell his salary came out of whatever donations he could bring into the church, like a horrible mix of an MLM scheme and brutal sales job. He put us (my wife and I) on the church’s mailing list so we periodically got nagged for money that we never sent.

Chad’s real passion, he thinks, is law enforcement, and for the past 4 years he’s applied to every miserable outpost that will let him, but with no experience, a sketchy job history, and a middling GPA, there have been no takers. He even worked some security jobs, although being that those require you to show up at a set time, day in and day out, they didn’t last very long. But he kept praying and applying, praying and applying, until God informed him of his latest plan.

This is all new to me, but apparently most police departments don’t run their own academies. Instead, when they have an applicant that they want to hire, they’ll buy a slot in a nearby school, or if they’re cheap, they’ll reserve a slot that they expect their applicant to pay for. That’s the gist I got. Well these schools have instructors to pay and buildings to maintain, so when the police departments in the region aren’t buying enough slots, they’ll start cold calling impressionable young people to try to get them to pay out of pocket for a slot even thought odds are they won’t be able to land a job afterwards.

And that was how we received a deliciously passive-aggressive letter from the scamchurch wishing Chad the best of luck in his future endeavors while at the same time bemoaning how fucked they are at having to find a short-notice replacement for a guy who’s only worked there for 8 months, despite apparently having talked a big game about how he wanted to build a long-term youth program. This letter was the first we’d heard of any of it, and while discussing it with my [Christian] wife, she said something along the lines of, “What is he thinking? What an idiot.” To which I reflexively replied, “Well, I’m sure he prayed long and hard about this decision.”

I may not have any belief in the power of prayer, but I certainly believe in the power of my wife’s ice cold stare.

I am not a smart man.

2

Apparently, your wife thinks you’ve got a smart mouth, though. :wink:

I, however, enjoyed your retort and would have embellished it further.

3

Far too many “take it to the lord” prayers I am aware of (because they or the struggle has been taken public) sound a lot like intense self-conviction of a desired outcome. A form of autohypnosis, as it were.

4

I realize it’s not your main point, but these police academies can be a good investment for somebody. As you note, local police departments generally have to pay to send recruits to these academies and take the risk that the recruit won’t quit the force after receiving the training. This is the reason why Chad was having such a hard time finding a police department willing to hire him.

But if Chad pays for the training himself, the situation turns completely around. Now that he’s had the training (assuming he completes it) he’ll have police departments from all over the state calling him up with job offers.

5

Is that really how it works though? It seems strange that a police department would choose a completely average guy over a top scoring applicant in order to save a few thousand bucks on an academy class.

Obviously that’s his plan though, to make himself more appealing to the hiring authorities. One of his other relatives who’s more familiar with the law enforcement climate where he lives painted a bleaker picture for us. He said that the graduation certificate is only good for a year and most guys who take it on spec end up not getting hired anywhere. But that’s just one opinion, I’m not taking it as gospel. If this does work out for him then that’d be great; I think he’d be a decent cop and I’d love to see him finally get his life together.

6

*"I remember, on one occasion,–when the Browns, a family of Baptists who kept a large haberdashery shop in the neighbouring town, asked for the pleasure of my company ‘to tea and games’, and carried complacency so far as to offer to send that local vehicle, ‘the midge’, to fetch me and bring me back,–my Father’s conscience was so painfully perplexed, that he desired me to come up with him to … ‘lay the matter before the Lord’. We did so, kneeling side by side, with our backs to the window and our foreheads pressed upon the horsehair cover of the small, coffin-like sofa. My Father prayed aloud, with great fervour, that it might be revealed to me, by the voice of God, whether it was or was not the Lord’s will that I should attend the Browns’ party. My Father’s attitude seemed to me to be hardly fair, since he did not scruple to remind the Deity of various objections to a life of pleasure and of the snakes that lie hidden in the grass of evening parties. It would have been more scrupulous, I thought, to give no sort of hint of the kind of answer he desired and expected.

Father prayed aloud, with great fervour, that it might be revealed to me, by the voice of God, whether it was or was not the Lord’s will that I should attend the Browns’ party. My Father’s attitude seemed to me to be hardly fair, since he did not scruple to remind the Deity of various objections to a life of pleasure and of the snakes that lie hidden in the grass of evening parties. It would have been more scrupulous, I thought, to give no sort of hint of the kind of answer he desired and expected.

It will be justly said that my life was made up of very trifling things, since I have to confess that this incident of the Browns’ invitation was one of its landmarks. As I knelt, feeling very small, by the immense bulk of my Father, there gushed though my veins like a wine the determination to rebel. Never before, in all these years of my vocation, had I felt my resistance take precisely this definite form. We rose presently from the sofa, my forehead and the backs of my hands still chafed by the texture of the horsehair, and we faced one another in the dreary light. My Father, perfectly confident in the success of what had really been a sort of incantation, asked me in a loud wheedling voice, ‘Well, and what is the answer which our Lord vouchsafes?’ I said nothing, and so my Father, more sharply, continued, ‘We have asked Him to direct you to a true knowledge of His will. We have desired Him to let you know whether it is, or is not, in accordance with His wishes that you should accept this invitation from the Browns.’ He positively beamed down at me; he had no doubt of the reply. He was already, I believe, planning some little treat to make up to me for the material deprivation. But my answer came, in the high-piping accents of despair: ‘The Lord says I may go to the Browns.’ My Father gazed at me in speechless horror. He was caught in his own trap, and though he was certain that the Lord had said nothing of the kind, there was no road open for him but just sheer retreat."*

Philip Gosse, Father and Son

7

Remember that there’s a LOT of small police forces out there who don’t have the pull to get nothing but top-drawer recruits.

I have a nephew who was gung-ho cop material from his teens. Got his BA in CJ, took POST training with the partial support of a small town that really wanted him… and as soon as he’d fulfilled his contractual obligation of two years’ duty busting drunk drivers and jaywalkers, he was snapped up by a Bay Area city.

8

I’m guessing that police departments are at least as strict as security companies with the “show up on time, day in and day out” requirement. The school itself probably has problematic attendance requirements too.

9

I don’t think he ever got fired or reprimanded for not showing up; he just hated the rigor of an actual job so he’d always quit after a few months. If he actually does like being a cop I believe he’ll stick to it (assuming he gets a job), but yeah, this is a concern of mine. I’ve heard that being a cop, especially a rookie cop, is an absolute grind. I worry that he’ll realize it’s not as fun as it sounded in his head and quit after a few months. After all, just 8 months ago he was telling me it was the Lord’s calling that he be a youth minister, and he thought for sure this was going to be his long term career. And I can’t imagine a more fuck-off job.

10

If he has trouble doing things that require “a set time, day in and day out,” he may have trouble completing a police academy curriculum. Doing a quick search, here’s one that’s 400 hours over 10 weeks. It says, “Psychological and Medical Evaluations are required.” It recommends preparing physically before admission.

Here’s the physical requirements for entry to another program.

I’m pretty sure that community colleges have law enforecement classes that he could take to see if he’s a good candidate, before committing. That wouldn’t be as expensive as signing up for the full academy. And he can test himself physically on his own.

To qualify for entry (to the one linked above):

Vertical Jump 14.5 inches

Sit Up 23 times in one minute

300 Meter none for entry, 0:64 sec for exit

Push Ups 14

1.5 Mile Run 16:11 min:sec

All of this is done at once, with a 2 minute rest after the vertical jump and 5 - 10 minutes rest between the other tests.

You may not be in a position to advise or hint, but there are ways that he can check to see if he’s likely to succeed. And there are things he could do to prepare himself, to increase his chances of success. That’s going to run into the “a set time, day in and day out,” thing pretty hard, though. Not that running into the importance of work habits wouldn’t be a good thing.

11

He’s got a 4 year degree (finance? something businessy) and may have taken some CJ electives; not sure on that. He’s fit as an ox, works out regularly and can run circles around me. I’m sure he’ll do well in the class. He’d have been a perfect fit for the military but he’s got a medical condition that bars him (shouldn’t be a problem for police duty).

Yeah, we had drinks a few years back and I was telling him about all the shitty jobs I worked before I started my career and said something along the lines of, “Every job sucks ass when you’re 20,” and he earnestly said, “Really? That’s good to know.” As though nobody had ever told him that.

12

Keep in mind there are a lot of very small police departments out there. Towns and villages might have a police department that only has three or four officers. For communities this size, a couple thousand dollars is a significant item on the budget.

13

Have you tried talking and explaining things to him? He seems like a well meaning guy trying to succeed. Lord knows I have never had much success with this, but I usually at least try.

Maybe he has some executive functioning issue?

14

I have family that is LEO and went to the very same kind of training academy. Getting hired afterwards was very very very difficult and my family member was in the top of his class, physically and academically. If your friend is willing to move it greatly increases his chances of getting hired but even then it can still be difficult to find a position.

15

Around here there are a lot of small town departments that hire a few officers part time and pull them in for one or two shifts a week at most + extra when another officer takes vacation or whatever. Usually those jobs go to guys with another department who want some extra $$ but just starting out you could probably pretty easily cobble together two or three jobs like that if you wanted if you already had been to the academy.

16

I worked at the state-operated local community college which has what is informally called the police academy, but it’s name is “Police Science” and it’s a program like any others such as welding or medical assistant, etc.

The area police had no role in picking the students or paying for their classes. They had no real need to, there were lots of young men and women applying on their own and making the same kind of payment arrangements as any other students would.

They did have (the cops) a quite a lot of input into the course content, and most of the teachers were current or former cops, so they certainly had a chance to evaluate and recruit the most promising candidates.

17

You might mention to him that most departments look quite favorably on applicants who have done a tour in one of the armed services. Four years as an MP does wonders for the resume.

18

OP previously mentioned a health condition that kept applicant from being able to serve in the armed forces (but would not be a problem with police work).

19

That’s what I get for watching tv and posting at the same time.

20

Probably watching the Kardashians.

:smiley: