If I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars)
Well I’d buy you a house (I would buy you a house)
I would let you ( I would)!
Could it be a Cape Cod cottage? On the ocean, please.
But not a real Cape Cod cottage
Because that would be cruel.
And if I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars)
I’d buy you a Mazda (or a Kia or whatever)
I have a sudden craving for Kraft Dinner with all the fanciest dijon ketchups, mmmm.
(You know we could just go up the and hang out)
(Like open the fridge and stuff and, girl, there’d be foods laid out for us)
(With little pre-wrapped sausages and things, hmm)
(They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon)
(Can you blame them? Yeah)
If I had a million dollars
I’d buy you an exotic pet,
Like a ball python or a Vietnamese pot belly pig.
(Mini muffins?)
We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft Dinner.
We’d have Spumoni every night.
But we would anyway!
(Hawaiian rolls)
Iran is the worst country to be a millionaire. One million Rials exchanges to US$26.77.
If I had 1000000 or 100000 or 10000000 dollars, Id invent the comma.
With that kind of money, you could invent an apostrophe too. 
Thanks for the earworm, damn it!
The apostrophe was already invented, but the qwerty keyboard put it out of reach, and instead put a semicolon in its logical place. I’ve been a touch typist for 63 years (since the days you had to shift to apostrophize), and I dont think Ive typed the semicolon once. Im eliminating apostrophes in protest. What I wrote without them is perfectly comprehensible. If you cant change the world by action, change it by example.
If I had a million dollars,
(If I had a million dollars),
I’d kill the apostrophe,
But not a real apostrophe,
that would be cruel…
If I had a million dollars,
(If I had a million dollars),
I’d buy you a Hawaiian vacation…
Of course we would, we’d just eat more.
And now I’m off to buy some art, maybe a Picasso or a Garfunkel?
Yum, all the spam in Kraft macaroni and cheese we can consume at the Luau.