|Topcat - Flowers for Sméagol is brilliant. I too choked up. Flowers for Algernon remains the only SF story to have me in tears.
Firebat023!
Brrrrrwah! Tee-hee-heee! LOL!! LMAO!!!
That’s great. That’s just F-ing great man! Thanks for honoring my humble request. 
We have now crossed the 200 reply barrier folks. We are now in uncharted terrortory my friends. 
<blushing>
Aw hey…thanks.
The story has that same effect on me.
Not a problem, Fingolfin. I actually had a hell of a lot of fun writing it, and I’m looking forward to actually doing the whole Fellowship of the Ring in rap form. It’s fantastic making Hobbits rhyme with “John Wayne Bobbit.”
SPOT ON MATE, well done!
ESPN
*Commentator #1 * And the teams are coming out for the second half and the Fellowship really has to come up with something here, right Bob? Espescially since Boromirs injury seems to have sidelined him for the rest of the game.
Commentator #2 Yes, exactly right there Niel. They should throw their game plan out the window. They’re looking at third down and forever and they need to come up with some answers.
*Commentator #1 * They can’t cough it up here. I mean if they loose the Ring here the rout is on, right Bob? I mean, obviously, the final score is the only statistic that matters, right?
*Commentator #2 * Absolutely Niel, turnovers will be the key here. Remember that in the end off the day the team with possession of the Ring is the team which will be leaving the field as winners. And since their offense has been sputtering all day you need to play tight and not make any mistakes at this point.
*Commentator #1 * Gimli seems confident and has stated in the half time that he’ll bekilling a lot off opponents today. But he’s up for a tough task dontcha think Bob?
*Commentator #2 * Yes. I couldn’t agree with you more Niel. Sauron plays in-your-face defense and Middle Earth is always a tough place to play.
*Commentator #1 * Aaaaand we’re off! Wow, look at that! Great fake play by Aragon. The defenders are keying off on him and Frodo is going right down the side line without a defender near him.
*Commentator #2 * That was a blown coverage there by the Nazguls. At this point they need to prevent the big play and stay in their deep zones.
*Commentator #1 * Looks like we’ve got some extra-curricular activity on the field. Gullom is covering Sam and Frodo like a blanket. I believe that’s a penalty, isn’t it Bob?
*Commentator #2 * You’re right there Niel. The refs really should call that one. OUCH! Looks like we’ve got a player shaken up. Sauroman got blindsided! That really cleaned his clock. He’s slow getting up.
*Commentator #1 * He really got his bell rung there. We hate to speculate on the injury… but it looks as if he might have broken his wand.
*Commentator #2 * In any case he’ll feel that one on Monday, Niel. I hope it’s not to bad. Sauron can ill-afford to lose him at this point.
*Commentator #1 * Right, well Frodo is coming out a new player this half. If he only could get close to the goal line we got a new game on our hands. Right Bob?
*Commentator #2 * Right you are Niel. This is really what the game needs. You really gotto hand it to Gandalf. He’s coaching the socks off Sauron at this point.
*Commentator #1 * We’re going down to the sidelines were Leslie has gotten hold of Mr. Balrog who was at the loosing end off last weeks upset. Over to you Leslie
you wanted Ayn Rand, you got Ayn Rand…
Excerpts from Ayn Rand’s LordHead of the Rings Shrugged
Excerpt 1
The Lord of the Nazgul overheard Frodo Baggins saying to the tittering hobbits, “Well, the Ring is the root of all evil anyway, and being enslaved by the Ring, the Nazgul are typical examples of greed and selfishness.”
Frodo did not think that the Lord of the Nazgul could have heard it, but he saw the Ringwraith turning to them with a gravely courteous smile, invisible to all but the Ringbearer under his sable hood.
“So you think that the Ring is the root of all evil?” said the Lord of the Nazgul. "Have you ever asked what is the root of the Ring? The Ring is a tool of power, which can’t exist unless there is a benevolent ruler strong enough to bring order and happiness to Men’s lives. The Ring is the symbol and the carrier of that power. The Ring is a tool of invisibility with which to gain knowledge and hide from enemies. The Ring is the material shape of the principle that those who wish to create a world fit for living in must acquire the might and the justification to do it. The Ring is not the tool of the moochers, who soak off of others’ power and benefit by it, who claim the Ring out of need, and do not even have the strength to use it, or of the anarchists, who would have you destroy it. The Ring was made possible by one who wished to bring such benevolent power into the world. Is this what you consider evil?
(and so on for five hundred paragraphs…)
Excerpt 2
“Excuse me,” asked Aragorn firmly, “but why have we rowed ashore again?”
Legolas and Gimli looked up guiltily from their beached boat. It appeared to have been woefully mishandled and bore scratches from many rocks that the inexpert rowers had been unable to avoid.
Legolas stared straight ahead, saying nothing. “It’s his fault!” screamed Gimli, red in the face. “He kept doing all the rowing, and hogging the oar. He thinks he’s better than all the rest of us. I deserved my chance and I did the best I could! It wasn’t my responsibility!”
Excerpt 3
The White Tower of Ecthelion stood at center of the inner circle of the great city. The archway over the gate was a Numenorean portico decorated with Noldorin motifs. Massive Proto-Gondolinian columns framed the doorway. The tower itself had been designed by Guy Francondil of the firm Francondil & Keatingmir. It was an exact replica of the Spire of Khazad-Dum, except that it was topped with a marble statue of Elendil in the style of the statue of Celebrimbor at Eregion.
In front of the Tower was the Court of the Fountain and the grassy lawn where once had grown the White Tree. It had been converted into a People’s Garden for Sub-Normal Ents.
Scenes from Barry Sonnenfeld’s Get Hobbity
with Dennis Farina as Gandalf “Bones” Istaroni
Gandalf: I’m from the Blessed-fuckin’-Realm and you wanna show me the White Mountains, huh? And what about the horses, do you breed out the black ones, or have they all just run away?
Cheery Rohan Guide: They say the black horses are being given in tribute to Mordor.
Ray Barboni: That’s what they say, huh? What a bunch of fuckin bullshit.
Saruman: Grima, look at me.
Wormtongue: I’m looking at you.
Saruman: No, look at me the way I’m looking at you.
Wormtongue: Look at me, Gandalf. Look at me.
Gandalf: Take a look at this! (fires lightning bolts from staff at Wormtongue, trashes Theoden’s throneroom.)
Gandalf: This is just …(zap!!)… what I needed (zap!) after a long fuckin’ horse ride.
Whoops. Ha ha. I meant Gandalf “Bones” Istaroni. Of course I didn’t cut and paste all that
With apologies to those of you with talent, and Simon and Garfunkel:
The Ring Of Sauron (to the tune of “The Sound of Silence”)
Hello Frodo, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a Nazgul softly creeping,
Tried to kill you while you were sleeping,
And the sword-tip that was planted in your arm
Still remains
As does the Ring of Sauron.
In Moria we walked alone
In narrow tunnels carved from stone,
'Neath the halo of a staff,
Until Merry made his really big gaff
When the Balrog and I fought on the bridge
From whence we fell
Away from the Ring of Sauron.
And on Emyn Muir I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People fighting without the ring,
People hearing without listening,
People slaying wraiths that thought they would not die
As Frodo tries
To end the Ring of Sauron.
“Fools” said I, "You do not know
Where the ring-bearer goes.
In the mountain Gollum turned on him,
and wrestled Frodo for the ring.
And the ring with Frodos finger fell,
And was destroyed
In Mount Doom of Mordor
And the people bowed and prayed
To Aragorn, the kind they’d made.
And the Fellowship returned,
And found Saruman in their home.
And the hobbits said, “The hate of Saruman
is the poison in Grimas mind
And he responds in kind.”
And ends the evil of Sauron.
Topcat, Flowers for Sméagol and Zane, Sauron pie:
You are my overlords. You rule my world with an iron fist.
Oh, and whoever was muttering about LotR rap:
http://lotr.fistfulayen.com
–Mouse
theMouse, Lord of the Rhymes blows me away. I’m going to go run and hide in my closet.
Thanks! Stay tuned for Tolstoy, it is a chore, but we are taking a shot at War & Peace.
Zane
Thanx, Mouse!
Ok, as far as we know all the family names and the elvish words are correct, but pardon any errors.
Zane & Suzanne
LotR & Peace by JRR Tolstoy
Book 41
Chapter 382
Ringbearer (Ret.) Sir Frodo Drogonovich Baggins gazed upon everything as he entered Lothlorien as he’d not been here for years and was visiting because soon the Elves would be gone, taking with them all the higher graces, but tonight there would be a farewell fete hosted by the most renown social adept Contessa Galadriel Artanis Nerwen Finarfinovna, confidant of wizards, beloved by Men, Hobbits, Dwarves & Elves equally, not only for her sharp wit, but even more importantly, for her influence with Kings and her most stylish gatherings.
Contessa Galadriel Artanis Nerwen Finarfinovna was speaking animatedly to Princess Eowyn Eomundovskia formerly of Rohan but who’s fortunes had taken a decided turn for the better upon her marriage to Prince Faramir Denethorov II, Steward of Gondor (upon the unfortunate & scandalous death of his father, Steward Denethor Ecthelionov II) and lately Lord of Ithilien, and who was her favored companion when all things related to gossip were concerned.
“Toi harya alkar laisi“ she said, “You know that ever since Mayor Samwise Hamfastski Gamgee’s daughter came out, everyone in the Shire has been delighted with her.”
Princess Eowyn Eomundovskia nodded her head and inquired, “Would that be Elanor?”
“Anwa. Oh and look who has just arrived and can tell us all about her! Sir Frodo. We shall have to catch him up and ask him all the news. Sir Frodo, my dear! Come join us,” called Galadriel Finarfinovna.
Sir Frodo Drogonovich Baggins gazed about the glade, searching for the caller, until his eyes lit upon Princess Eowyn Eomundovskia and Contessa Galadriel Artanis Nerwen Finarfinovna. He began to walk toward them, feeling dejected & preoccupied with his current status, both among the Elves and in the Shire as hero without a place, for amongst the Elves he was respected and honored but still an adorable curiosity, while amongst the Shire-folk his status was uncertain, his deeds and actions not wholly understood and often looked upon with doubt, for the Shire-folk were a pastoral lot of a class little higher than serfs in apprehension of the greater world around them. Overhearing bits of gay conversation that seemed to be full of frivolity and little else, from all about him as he made his way towards the two women, he looked upon their youthful countenances and wondered, “How can they be so happy? How can their minds be so free of the burdens that weigh so heavily upon me, seemingly without care or concern, as if nothing mattered in all of Middle-Earth. How can I become as they are? Free from these ponderings that drive me to search and search fruitlessly for an answer when I do not even know the question?”
Sir Frodo arrived before the pair of jewel- and smile-bedecked creatures and took the hand of first one, then the other, giving each gloved hand a kiss and smiling genuinely but rather half-heartedly.
Opps! We forgot:
This follows with book after chapter after book of descriptions of social status, rank, fortune, wars and existential ponderings ad nauseum.
Follows Topcat’s, above [though functionally plagiarism, below]:
They need me, thought Ender Baggins, and if I fail, there may not be any Shire to return to.
But he did not believe it. Gandolf's urgency was just another trick. Then the minions of Sauron appeared, and his weariness turned to despair.
He heard Sam behind him coughing nervously. He was beginning to realize that Baggins didn't know what to do.
I don't care anymore, he thought. You can keep your Ring.
Baggins laughed. Sauron was taking this all so seriously. Forget it, Gandalf. I don't care if I pass your test.
The enemy was concentrated on Baggins, closing him in. Excellent, thought Baggins. Closer. Come closer....
Then he whispered an oath and the Ring dropped like a rock into the volcano. Baggins leaned in to watch what happened. Mount Doom, which filled half the simulator field, began to bubble. Within three seconds all of Mordor burst apart.
Baggins took off his headphones, and only then realized there was just as much noise behind him. Elves were hugging each other, laughing, shouting; some were weeping. Elrond detached himself from the others and to Baggins's surprise he embraced him, held him tightly, and whispered, "Thank you, thank you, Baggins." He tried to make sense of this.
The crowd parted and Gandalf walked through. He came straight to Baggins and held out his hand.
"You made the hard choice, halfling. All or nothing. Congratulations. It's all over."
All over. Baggins didn't understand.
Gandalf laughed. "Baggins, you never played me!" He grew serious. "Baggins, for the past few months, you have been the Ringbearer. There were no games, the battles were real, and the only enemy you fought was Sauron himself. You did it. You."
Real. Not a game. Baggins's mind was too tired to cope with it. They weren't just points of light on the screen, they were real orcs and wraiths that he had fought with and the real Ring he had destroyed. He walked through the crowd, ignoring their rejoicing. When he got to his own room, he ate a second breakfast, stripped off his mithral, climbed into bed, and slept.
Coming soon: Speaker for the Undead.
The Ring: A Freudian Analysis
The ring is clearly a symbol of the mother-figure with which the bearer feels the irresistable urge to thrust his finger (obviously a phallic symbol). The ensuing penetration of the ring is accompanied by a deep sense of elation but also a deep sub-concious shame manifested by the sudden invisibility. The ring wearer does not want others to witness his shaming fetish but is also, at the same time, acutely aware that a sudden disappearence must bring acute attention upon him. Therefore, the ring bearer must find a private moment in which to succumb to the guilty pleasure of the ring.
It is interesting to note that the urge to wear the ring becomes irresistably strong in the prescence of the Nazgul, obviously representing the 9 faces of fatherhood. The father figure sublimating his own acts of unconcious jealously towards the adopted son for his lust acts as a reinforcer towards the sons manifest desire.
The Fellowship in this case clearly represents the sons attempt to overthrow his father in order to fully take advantage of his lust for his mother. Each charecter in the fellowship corresponds to a different facet of the personality and they are constantly in conflict with each other over the desired action that they must take.
The creation of the ring itself must be noted as interesting as it was the original Ur-Father figure who manifested such an entity. From this, it is clear that the son figure is projecting his own unconcious lust upon his father. This is probably an sub-concious attempt to rationalise the killing of his father. The proposed destruction of the ring is a vain attempt to remove the power from his over controlling father and break away in order to gain his own freedom of action. However, it is clear that the son figure could never really destroy is lust and merely tries to repress it until the pressure becomes so intense that he finally performs a complete shift in personality and embraces his mother-lust.
Midnight in Mordor- Laurel K Hamilton
It was almost morning when I walked into my Hobbit Hole, blood drying under my fingernails. But it wasn’t my blood, so that’s ok. I kicked off my black boots, and left a trail of clothes on my way to the tub.
Black trews, black tunic, black vest. My leather scabbard that hold my glowing magical sword. I don’t always need a magical sword, but it’s better to have one. You never know.
I had finished scrubbing drying blood of my body, and rinsing it out of my curly brown hair. Baggins hair, my mother had always said. At least she used to say it, before she died.
I was combing out my hair when I felt it. Magic. It’s a feeling like smooth fur rubbing on your skin. I looked around, and dropped my hand to the scabbard. Sure, clothes would be nice, but a blade would keep me from getting killed. Survival wins out over modesty almost always.
He was at the doorway, leaning casually. Gandalf. I had no idea how old he was, but I could feel power leaking off of him, spreading like a pool of cold. I shivered, and reached for my tunic with my left hand. My right never strayed from my sword. Gandalf had never tried to kill me. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t.
… I’m to tired to keep going on this. If I’m up to it, I’ll jump on more tonite.
Excerpt from ‘Pulp Fellowship’ by Tarantino (please excuse the length)
- EXT. HORSE DRAWN WAGON (MOVING) - MORNING
A rickety Horse Drawn Wagon creaks down the dusty back roads of the Shire. On the drivers board are two people-- one a Wizard, the other a Hobbit – the wizard wearing Homespun Robes and a pointy hat, the Hobbit standard Hobbit clothes, with a thin tie. Their names are Frodo (Hobbit) and Gandalf (Wizard). Gandalf holds the reigns.
FRODO
That did it, man -- I'm fuckin'
goin', that's all there is to it.
GANDALF
You'll most certainly enjoy it. But You know what the funniest thing about
Gondor is?
FRODO
What?
GANDALF
It is the small differences.
many the same things we have here,
they have also there, but there they
are somewhat different.
FRODO
How so?
GANDALF
Well, in Rohan, you can buy
Pipeweed at a theatre. And I
don't mean in a rolling paper either.
They give you a pipe full of weed,
like in a guest in your parlour!
In Minas Tirith, you can buy
weed at Denethor's. Also, you
know what they call a Long Bottom
Leaf in Gondor?
FRODO
They don't call it a Long
Bottom Leaf?
GANDALF
No, they have no sense of the Shire
there, they wouldn't know what the
fuck a ‘Long Bottom Leaf’ is.
FRODO
What'd they call it?
GANDALF
Sweet Galenas.
FRODO
(repeating)
Sweet Galenas… What'd they
call Silver Star?
GANDALF
Silver star remains Silver Star, but
they call it the ‘King’s’ Silver Star.
FRODO
What do they call Old Toby?
GANDALF
I know not, I could not find Old Toby.
But you know what they put on Mushrooms
in Gondor instead of Bacon?
FRODO
What?
GANDALF
Mutton.
FRODO
Goddamn!