If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
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182

The party emerged from Mordor, each looking thoughtful. Aragorn spoke first.

‘It is needless to say that we all regret the loss of Gandalf. He was truly a person of eminence and grace’.

‘Yet’, interrupted Legolas, ‘The cynical and suspicious might find your heartfelt grief at his untimely demise perhaps lacking a touch of sincerity, given that his death at this time perforce elects you to leader of our little group’

’ The implication in your words, Legolas, I find disturbing in the extreme’, answered Aragorn.

‘As do I, although the implication in question is perhaps a different one’, said Boromir. ‘Why is Aragorn, as you say, ‘perforced elected’ to leadership? Surely this matter should be referred to a larger referendum than just yourself, Legolas, intelligent though you may be’

‘I used the specific appellation…’, began Legolas. Gimli interrupted.

‘Regardless, and I must say I find these small-minded squabbles of yours irksome and inappropriate, we are on the borders of Lothlorien, a realm whose inhabitants have certain unusual customs, which the unwary traveller often falls foul of. I suggest that our friend Frodo renders the Ring on to me until we are through Lothlorien and in a place of more condign safety, or perhaps an even greater period of time’.

Pippin frowned. ‘Your suggestion has merit, although I would deem it wiser that someone more suitable, for instance I, should have the laborious and dangerous duty of actually carrying the Ring…’
‘Lord of the Rings’, by Jack Vance

183

Ooh, Fiat Lux! I’m a big fan of the pointedly courteous enchanters of The Dying Earth and that made me smile.
Excellent first post.

184

Thank you very much :slight_smile: I wasn’t sure how well-known Vance would be, so I’m glad you’ve know him.

185

Excet from JD Salanger’s The Lord of the Catcher in the Rye:

     When Gandalf told me that Gollum used to be a hobbit, I just got so depressed all of a sudden.  I really did.  I mean, if he's supposed to be a hobbit, why can't he just BE one?  People should just stay what they are and not go changing into goddamn slimey reptile creatures.  To be honest, this whole ring thing was really making me depressed as hell.  The quest was giving me a big pain in the ass.  If anyone ever tries to give you an all powerful ring, don't take it, it will only make you more depressed, I swear to God.
186

3d progris riport
martch 5 – Mr Gandalf and Mr Elrond say it dont matter about the writin on the ring. I tolld them i dint carv the words in it and I coudnt see anything on it. They said maybe they will still use me. I told Mr Gandalf that Bilbo never gave me tests like that only riting and reeding. He said Bilbo tolld him I was his bestist pupil in the Baggins family of retarded hobbits and I tryed the hardist becaus I reely wantd to quest I wantid it more even then hobbits who are smarter even then me.

Mr Gandalf askd me how come you want to go to Mordor all by youyrself Frodo. How did you find out about it. I said I dont remembir.

June 20 – Perhaps I should have waited before going to see Bilbo; or not have gone to see him at all. I don’t know. Nothing turns out the way I expect it to. With the clue that Bilbo had gone to Rivendell to finish his book, it was a simple matter to find him.

How could I tell him? What was I supposed to say? Here, look at me, I’m Frodo, the nephew to whom you left the One Ring? Not that I blame you for it, but here I am, all fixed up better than ever. Test me. Ask me questions. I speak twenty languages, living and dead; I’m a tactical whiz and I’m planning a stealthy invasion into Mordor that will make Middle Earth remember me long after I’m gone.

How could I tell him?

I wasn’t his nephew. That was another Frodo. The Power of the Ring had changed me, and he would resent me - as some others from the Fellowship resented me - because my growth diminished him. I didn’t want that.

June 29 – Before I go back to Hobbiton I’m going to finish the projects I’ve started since I left the Cracks of Doom. I visited the New Age of Man Institute for Advanced Study, about the possibility of utilizing the pair-production nuclear photoeffect for exploratory work in biophysics. At first he thought I was a crackpot wizard, but after I pointed out the flaws in some of his older scrolls he asked me to come back to the Institute to discuss my ideas with his Council. I might take him up on that after I’ve finished my work at the lab – if there is time. That’s the problem, of course. I don’t know how much time I have. A month? A year? The rest of my life? That depends on what I find out about the psycophysical side-effects of bearing the One Ring.

Nov 18 – prof Elrond was very nice when I came back to Rivendell. Frist he was very suspicius but I told him what happened to me and then he looked very sad and put his hand on my shoulder and said Frodo you got guts.

Evrybody looked at me when I walked into the room and started working in the chamber pot sweeping it out like I used to do. I said to myself Frodo if they make fun of you dont get sore because you remember their not so smart like you once thot they were. And besides they were once your frends and if they laffed at you that dont mean anything because they liked you to.

Nov 21 – I did a dumb thing today I forgot I wasnt in the Felloship any more like I used to be. I went in and sat down in my old seat in the circle and he lookd at me funny and he said Frodo what are you doing. So I said hello Mr. Elrond Im redy for our talk today only I lossed the ring we was using.

Mr Gandalf started to cry and run our of the group and everbody looked at me and I saw alot of them wasnt the same pepul who used to be in my Felloship.

Then all of a suddin I remembird some things about the Cracks of Dum and me getting smart and I said holy smoke I reely pulled a Frodo Baggins that time. I went away before he came back.

Thats why im going away from here for good to the Gray Havens. I dont want to do nothing like that agen. I dont want Mr Gandalf to feel sorry for me. I know evrybody feels sorry for me back in the Shire and I dont want that eather so Im going someplace where there are a lot of other litl pepul like me and nobody cared that Frodo Baggins was once a ringberer and now he cant even reed a book or rite good.

Anyway I bet im the frist dumb person in the world who did something inportent for Middle Erth. I did somthing but I dont remembir what. So I gess its like I did it for all the dumb litl pepul like me in the Shire and allover the world.

Goodby Mr Gandalf and Samwise and evrybody…

P.S. please tel Sauron not to be such a grouch when pepul take his stuff and he woud have more frends. Its easy to have frends if you let pepul share your stuff. Im going to have lots of frends where I go.

P.S. please if you get a chanse put some flowrs on Smeagols memoreal in the bak yard.

Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Sméagol

187

Deep Mines, by Jack Handy

Since we couldn’t get over Caradhras, we went through Moria.
And, you know, that Balrog isn’t so bad.
SuzMac

188

Sauron Pie

(Sung to Don MacLean’s American Pie)

A long long time ago
I can still remember how that Ring used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
I could make those Numenorians dance
And maybe they’d be off my case, for a while.
But Isildur made me shiver
With every digit he did sever.
Elf host on my doorstep
I couldn’t take one more step
I can’t remember if I cried
When I heard that my Balrog died.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the One Ring fried.

So bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin’ miruvor and rye
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die.

Did you write the Book of Lore?
And do you have faith in Valar’s shore?
If the Elves tell you so.
Do you believe in the Hobbit’s role?
Can he destroy my immortal soul?
And can he reach me in Amon Sûl?
Well, I was not afraid of him
‘Cause I thought the fellowship quite dim
But the Hobbits shook off pursuit
They left their all their friends en route.
I was an almighty evil fu*k
With a huge army and a lot of pluck
But I knew that I was out of luck
The day the One Ring fried.
And now I’m singin’

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin’ miruvor and rye
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die

Now for Ages I was on my own,
And grew fat on blood and bone.
But that’s just how it used to be.
When I whispered to Kings and Queens
My wraiths, they all rode unseen
And I gleefully poisoned those damn trees.
Oh, while Fingol was looking down
The Silmarillion was leaving town.
The Valar court was adjourned
No verdict was returned.
And while Bilbo wrote the Red Book
The orcs were driven off by Took
And Angmar sang dirges in the dark
The day the One Ring fried
We were singing

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin’ miruvor and rye
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die

Helter Skelter in Orthanc’s smelter
The Ents pulled down Saruman’s fallout shelter
Eight fathoms deep and filling fast
It poured out foul on to the grass
The Uruk-hai tried for a forward pass
With some Hobbits on the sidelines with a cask.
Now the air was filled with sweet perfume
While hobbits smoked and Ents did “HOOM”!
The Orcs were handy with a lance
Oh, but they never got the chance
'Cause the armies tried to take the field
The Fangorn woods refused to yield
Do you recall whose doom was sealed?
The day the One Ring fried?
We started singing

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin’ miruvor and rye
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die

Oh, and there we were all in one place
Armies meeting face to face
We were mighty sure we’d win
But, Baggins was nimble, Baggins was quick
Baggins survived Shelob’s prick
'Cause Gamgee was such a loyal friend.
Oh, and as I spied him on Orodruin
I knew this my day would ruin.
Who knew a hobbit from a dell
Could break my mighty spell?
And as the flames climbed high into the night
Just before I lost my sight
I saw Gandalf laughing with delight
The day the One Ring fried
He was singing

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove your hoards to the fords
And your hoards did die.
And us Elvin Lords are drinkin’ miruvor and rye
Singin’ this’ll be the day that you die
This’ll be the day that you die

I met a Balrog who sang the blues
And I asked him for some happy news
But he just roared and turned away.
I went down to the hellish forge
Where I’d made the Rings years before
But the forge was cold, no longer fey
And in the skies the Nazgûl screamed
Wormtongue cried, and Saruman schemed.
But not a word was spoken
Mordor’s gates were broken.
And the three men I loathe the most
Aragorn, Elrond and the Wizard Ghost
They caught the last ship for the coast
The day the One Ring fried
And they were singing,

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove your hoards to the fords
And your hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin’ miruvor and rye
Singin’ this’ll be the day that you die….

189

Lord of the Rings—Eminem

Do you know what it’s like to be given a quest
To be told that my best is a jest in the mess of a world my parents confessed?
To be told that I’m going to fail no matter what I do
That everything’s gonna go black
To be given a ring that my uncle’s addicted to like smack?
A ring he won’t let go
It’s mine,’ Bilbo says, just let go, Frodo,’
Fuck you,’ I say, You know yo flow is blow, that ring ain’t no fucking memento.’
My man Gandalf comes in and lays down the law
Oh no motherfucking Bilbo sees his flaw
‘Take this thing,’ he says to Gan, and hands it over to the man
‘Now it’s been given,’ he says to him, ‘given and now I’m going to Rivendell.’
Rivendell, hell,” Gandalf says, ‘elves run that place like some fuckin’ jail cell, you do well to go to a Deep of Helm’s,’ he said. I’m going to Rivendell,’ Bilbo said. `I’m sorry Gandalf but I’m going. Now take that fucking ring before it blings and fucking makes me cry like some fucking halfling.’

190

I was hoping for a CATCHER OF THE RYE & by God, it didm’t disappoint! unlike the actual book

Flowers for Smeagol actually choked me up.

and Sauron Pie- just freakin brilliant!

Suggested Titles I’m too lazy to expand upon-
another Rand GANDALF SHRUGGED

Tim LaHaye & Jerry Jenkins LEFT BEHIND IN MORDOR series -the
Elves & WIzards have all been removed to the Grey Havens except for Elrond, Galadriel, Arwen & Legolas, and Gandalf & Saruman- the latter seeking an alliance with rising charismatic leader Sauronae Mordoria. The Elves & Gandalf join with Gimli, Aragorn & Boromi and Frodo & his hobbit friends to form the
TRIBULATION FELLOWSHIP (Book 2) - their ultimate goal being to destroy Sauronae’s Ring which controls all who pledge loyalty to him & receive their own duplicate of THE RING (Book 27), his means of controlling the NEW MIDDLE-EARTH ORDER (Book 58) so that those faithful to Eru Illuvatar can welcome THE RETURN OF THE KING (Book 70).

Bram Stoker’s SAURONULA - Solicitor Frodo Baggins travels to Castle Mordor to arrange for mysterious Count Sauron to buy an estate in Middle-Earth (The Count’s purpose being to find his missing Ring there). Various characters are the wise Dr. Gandalf Van Mithrandir, Galadriel WestHavens, her suitors Dr Jack Elrond, Lord Merry Shirewood & Pippin Morris, the Ring-maddened fish-eating lunatic Gollum, Aragorn & Arwen Harking.

aw hell- I feel inspired!

Phonographic Journal of Dr. Jack Elrond…

Galdriel had been dead and yet there she was, beautiful & vivid, the crimson vigor in her eyes contrasting with the white of her
death shroud, and in her arms she cradled a whimpering halfling child, trying to put a ring on its finger…

“It is she and yet not she” whispered Dr Gandalf. Lord Merry stepped forward, “Galadriel…?” he asked yearningly.

“Merrrrrry!” she sighed “My Preciousssssss! Come, kiss me! And wear my Rrrrring! You will be my Dark Lord and will be your White Queen and allll shall love me and despairrrr.”

Merry nearly stepped into her embrace, but Dr. Gandalf lept forward, brandinshing his glowing staff “I Am the Servant of the Secret Flame and you shall not pass!” She screamed and fled to her crypt.

There we found her, lying totally dormant.

“Dr Gandalf, what is she?” I wept

“She is our Lucy, held in thrall by one of the Count’s rings, which is controlled by the One Ring held by friend Frodo. If she were not stopped, she will continue her ravaging of young ones, feeding off the fortunate, giving rings to those less so to make them the parasite spawn of Sauronula that she has become.”

“So she can only be freed by the destruction of the Ring?” Pippin
said.

“That is the only way she could be restored to life and freedom, but in that time how many more like her might she enslave and how deeply might this ring corrupt her- till even the poor Ring-debauched lunatic Gollum be more sane and less dangerous?
But we can free her to the Grey Havens. But there is one here who has more right than I to do so- the one who loved her best, whose arm she would choose to deliver the liberating blow.”

Merry stepped forward “What must I do?”
…

At Van Mithrandir’s instruction, he removed her ring and placed it,
glistening over her heart, then Merry held aloft the Wizard’s staff and with all his might plunged the ground-point through the ring and deep into her heart with a cry of both victory and lament - “I am the Servant of the Secret Flame. Receive my beloved Galadriel, O Elbereth Githoniel!”

White light burst from her chest, silver blood gushed from her mouth and a barrow-wight’s scream tore loose from her lips-
then she collapsed with a look of peace. Her eyes looked to the Wizard “Dr Gandalf, my own true friend” she sighed in her own sweet whisper, and then she looked to Merry “My beloved Merry, kiss me.” And she died.

The Wizard cleaned her face with a cloth “Yes, Merry, kiss her now. It is safe and right. She is free.”

Later, all shaken, we tapped a cask of miruvoir to steady our nerves and enable us to sleep later. “You see what we are up against” said Dr Van Mithrandir, “why we must defeat Count Saronula and destroy his ring. Before he enslaves more like Gollum and our Miss Galadriel and makes them worse than Orcs…
we are pledged to set Middle-Earth free.”

191

I think this has to come close to the most epic thread of the SDMB. :slight_smile:

192

Sorry but it had to be done. - Suzanne
Sam looked down at Frodo & smoothed back his wavy hair from his bruised face. He knew no one would understand but he longed to kiss him. His eyes were burning after long hours spent without sleep watching over Frodo and he knew that he was close to losing control of his desperate emotions.

Frodo roused and said, “Sam, you’re still here.”

“Of course I am, Dear Master. How could I leave you? How could I ever leave you?”

Frodo moved closer to Sam and said, “I’m so cold Sam.” He looked up at him with luminous eyes, eyes that began to fill with soft shining tears. Sam’s heart swelled and he reached down and put his arms around Frodo. “I’ll always be here to keep you warm, Master.”

As they moved closer together, needing warmth, they realized that they needed much more from each other than the warmth of bodies. They needed the warmth that only two souls joined in anguish & purpose could give each other. Frodo stroked Sam’s cheek & shyly said, “You know that I care for you more than anyone, Sam.” All of Sam’s fears spilled away in a river of tears and he tremorously leaned closer and kissed Frodo on his beautiful mouth, as he’d longed to do as long as he could remember.

“Sam, Sam” Frodo whispered into his hair, against his neck, “Let us not worry about tomorrow tonight. And Sam, call me Frodo.”

193

Addendum to the Galadriel scene in SAURONULA…

…then she collapsed with a look of peace. Her eyes looked to the Wizard “Dr Gandalf, my own true friend” she sighed in her own sweet whisper, and then she looked to Merry “I… have passed…
the test. My beloved Merry, kiss me.” And she died.

194

Slim Baggins, from his movie 8 Mile

Look, if you had one ring, of power
That would seize everything you ever wanted - one ring
Would you destroy it or just let it slip?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on his sweater already, Sam’s spaghetti
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop the ring, but he keeps on forgettin
Why he came to Mount Doom, the whole world goes so loud
He opens his hand, but the ring won’t come out
He’s chokin, the whole world’s ending now
The clock’s run out, time’s up, over now

195

Lord of the Ringpiece
by William S Burroughs

Ever see an elf shot? I saw a wight catch one in Mordor. We rigged his grave with a one way looking glass and charged an orc kin to watch. He never got the arrow out of his arm, they don’t if the shot is right. That’s the way they found him, barrow full of buried treasure, dawn of a new day. The look in his eye when he was hit - it was tasty. The Took cafe overlooked one end of Bag End. A maze of hobbit holes, tiny barns and stables. Perilously low doorways entered into underground lairs. On a stool sits naked Gandalf, sucking glowing leaves through an alabadter pipe. Wizards have no livers and nourish themselves excluvisely on smoke. A thin, translucent beard covers razor sharp teeth. They have razor sharp staffs with which they frequently blast each other to shreds in fights over manuscripts. These wizards secrete an addicting fluid from their upright staffs which prolongs epics by producing sequels. Adicts of wizard fluids are known of fans.

Any rings for Bilbo?

196

Ring Quest by Anne McCaffrey

Prologue

Anor, in the Tolkinian Sector, was a golden G-type star. Endor, its third planet, was enveloped by an atmosphere that sentient beings could breathe, boasted water they could drink, and possessed a gravity that permitted many life forms to walk confidently erect. It had five major peoples (elves, dwarves, hobbits, men, ents) along with numerous stray groups it had attracted and held in recent millennia (wizards, orcs, goblins, trolls).

About every 200 cycles around Anor, Endor came into contact with a pernicious Maiar, known by various names—Sauron, Gorthaur the Cruel, the Necromancer, the Eye, the Nameless One, Ringmaker, Black Hand. His evil penetrated Endor spreading insidious threads that grew, multiplied and destroyed all life. The sentient peoples bonded together to fight this recurring menace. But not all believed the red eye would return yet again.

3018, the eleventh month of the twentieth cycle

The first rays of the sun glanced over the weyr’s star stone. The blue watch dragon let out an uneasy keen. Eowyn, Weyrwoman of Edoras, paced the cool flag stones of her weyr, her bare feet pushing aside a few stray grains of sand. She had awoken early after an uneasy night, unable to banish thoughts of the vivid the red eye growing larger in the east.

By the Shards of Narsil, how dared those hidebound oldtimers at Rivendell hold a so-called Council of Elrond and fail to inform her! She’d expect no less of Boromir. But the others!! They must, all of them, even the usually reliable G’mli and L’golas, be dazzled by that upstart Weyrwoman Arwen and her proddy dragon Eevenstarth.

She’d learned last night that F’rodo, son of D’rogo, rider of rogue dragon Samth, had apparently impressed a golden fire lizard, giving it the outlandish name Ringth. Master Harper Gandalf was of course only telling her half the story in true harper style. He’d admitted that the firelizard egg had come from a pirated clutch from the queen Precious, stolen by the renegade outcast Gollum and later appropriated by F’rodo’s uncle. This much was certain, but he would tell no more.

Fortunately his youthful apprentices, Meriadoc and Peregrin, were less closed mouthed. A few cups of Edoran wine and she’d gleaned from them the fact that there was some dispute about ownership of Ringth. As if a firelizard could look to more than one being at a time. Well, she’d have something to say about this! There would be time later to deal with the intractable Lord Holder Aragon. Why did that man distract her so.

197

A la Mercedes Lackey:

Legolas looked longingly at Gandalf in that white Wizard outfit of his. Just the sight of him astride Shadowfax made the elf’s heart beat faster with a mix of love and desire! “I know he’s not really ‘yrch’ like me, but since he walks in two worlds at once, maybe…” thought the son of Thranduil.

“Gandalf”, he called. “Let me help you down off of your horse!”

“He’s not a horse, dammit!” replied the member of the istari testily. Ever since Gandalf had traded his grays in for his new whites, he seemed more aloof and unapproachable.

:I’m not a horse, dammit: said Shadowfax, mindspeaking directly for the first time to the stunned Teleri. :I am an Oromëa! A colleague, if you will. If you and Gandalf get it on, can I watch?:

198

Nice one, Zane. I didn’t see yours at first. I think you hit Lackey closer to dead center than I did.

199

Thanks Quagdop! I enjoyed your’s too. You had lots of right on details I left out of my ML mimic.
:wink:

200

Well, I can’t take credit for this one Alternative Lord of the Rings:

Lord of the Rings, by Gene Roddenbury

“The Halflings, cap’n, they will na take the strain”

“Strider, we’ve got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?”

“Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain.”

“Do you know what it is?”

“I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn’t be unknown.”

“Cap’n, we’re in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie.”

“Captain, what are we going to do.”

“Boromir, put on that red armour.”…

201

Robert W. Service
The Cremation of Sam Gamgee

There are strange things done in the Middle Earth sun
By moiling for rings of gold;
The Hobbit shire has seen transpire
What would make your blood run cold;
Now I’ve seen a Gollum and a what-dya-call-em,
The dudes that look like a tree.
But the sorriest sight occurred on the night
I cremated Sam Gamgee.

Sam was a friend from old Bag End, where the hobbits work and play.
Said he, “all I need is my pipe weed and a chance for some hobbit bootay.”
Then Gandalf the Grey comes up one fine day and sticks me with this “One True Ring.”
So I get the hell off to far Rivendell and Sam comes along for the fling.

We’re told this here ring is a powerful thing, but using it must be eschewed.
So then it’s my fate to be Ringwraith bait; If I use it I’m royally screwed.
I’m not so annoyed that it must be destroyed, but I am assigned to the chore.
O’er mountain and steppe I’ve now got to schlep this friggin’ ring off to Mordor.

When up in the pass of Mount Caradhras, it’s cold as an old titches’ wit.
My frostbite’s beginning, but Sam keeps on grinning, that genially, happy old twit.
He’s so optimistic, I’m going ballistic, his throat I would so like to cut.
Talk of your cold! Right through the cloak’s fold, it’s freezing my furry Hobbutt.

We get to the Crack of Doom and alack, Sam flubs up on Gollum-guarding.
So here comes old Smeagul, and just for a giggle, I give him the finger – and ring.
So I turn to old Sam, with whom ticked off I am. I am smiling to cover my ire.
I said, “My Samwise, you go in there likewise,” and I kicked his butt into the fire.

There are strange things done in the Middle Earth sun
By moiling for rings of gold;
The Hobbit shire has seen transpire
What would make your blood run cold;
The ancient knights have seen queer sights,
But the strangest they ever did see
Was that night in the gloom at the Mountain of Doom
I cremated Sam Gamgee.