If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Pierre Menard, author of the Lord of the Rings by Jorge Luis Borges

Any insinuation that Menard dedicated his life to the writing of a contemporary Lord of the Rings is a calumny of his illustrious memory. He did not want to compose another Lord of the Rings - which is easy - but the Lord of the Rings itself. Needless to say, he never contemplated a mechanical transcription of the original; he did not propose to copy it. His admirable intention was to produce a few pages which would coincide-word for word and line for line-with those of J.R.R. Tolkien.

The first method he conceived was relatively simple. Know English well, teach at Oxford, fight briefly in the war, forget the history of the world between 1974 and the present, be J.R.R. Tolkien. Pierre Menard studied this procedure (I know he attained a fairly accurate command of early twentieth-century English) but discarded it as too easy. Rather as impossible! my reader will say. Granted, but the undertaking was impossible from the very beginning and of all the impossible ways of carrying it out, this was the least interesting. To be, in the twenty-first century, a popular novelist of the twentieth seemed to him a diminution. To be, in some way, Tolkien and reach the Lord of the Rings seemed less arduous to him - and, consequently, less interesting - than to go on being Pierre Menard and reach the Lord of the Rings through the experiences of Pierre Menard.

“The Lord of the Rings,” Menard explains, "interests me profoundly, but it does not seem to me to have been - how shall I say this - inevitable. I cannot imagine the universe without the interjection of Edgar Allan Poe, “Ah, bear in mind this garden was enchanted!” or without the Ancient Mariner, but I know that I am capable of imagining it without the Lord of the Rings. (I speak, naturally, of my personal capacity, not of the historical repercussions of the works.) The Lord of the Rings is an accidental trilogy; the Lord of the Rings is unnecessary. I can premeditate writing, I can write it, without incurring a tautology.

My problems are undeniably considerably more difficult than those which Tolkien faced. My affable precursor did not refuse the collaboration of fate; he went along composing his work a little a la diable, swept along by inertias of language and invention. I have contracted the mysterious duty of reconstructing literally his spontaneous work.

To compose the Lord of the Rings in the midst of the twentieth century was a reasonable, necessary and perhaps inevitable undertaking; at the beginning of the twenty-first century it is almost impossible. It is not in vain that fifty years have passed, charged with the most complex happenings - among them, to mention only one, that same Lord of the Rings."

In spite of these obstacles, the fragmentary Lord of the Rings of Menard is more subtle than that of Tolkien. The latter indulges in a rather coarse opposition between good and evil in the imaginary land of Middle Earth; Menard chooses as “reality” the land of America during the century of Bush and the “War against Terror”.

Equally vivid is the contrast in styles. The archaic style of Menard - in the last analysis, a foreigner - suffers from a certain affectation. Not so that of his precursor, who handles easily the ordinary English and extraordinary Elvish of his time.

There is no intellectual exercise which is not ultimately useless. A philosophical doctrine is in the beginning a seemingly true description of the universe; as the years pass it becomes a mere chapter - if not a paragraph or a noun - in the history of philosophy. In literature this ultimate decay is even more notorious. “The Lord of the Rings,” Menard once told me, “was above all an agreeable book; now it is an occasion for patriotic toasts, grammatical arrogance, and obscene deluxe editions. Glory is an incomprehension, and perhaps the worst.”

Lord of The Rings

by Aaron Sorkin

ELROND: The ring can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom in Mordor.

BOROMIR: We can’t use it ourselves?

GANDALF: No, the power of the ring corrupts all.

BOROMIR: Yes, but I thought maybe we could use it ourselves… you know, to defeat Sauron.

GANDALF: We can’t use the ring ourselves.

BOROMIR: So your saying we can’t use it ourselves.

GANDALF: No, we can’t use it ourselves.

BOROMIR: Because it would be really cool if we could use it ourselves.

GANDALF: Boromir…

BOROMIR: I know, we can’t use it ourselves, but if we COULD…

GANDALF: Which we can’t…

BOROMIR: But if we COULD… it would be neat.

GANDALF: But we can’t.

BOROMIR: I’m just saying that I think we should use it ourselves… if you say we can’t, fine.

GANDALF: We can’t.

BOROMIR: Fine.

Trent… just when I thought this thread was dead, you do something THAT brilliant!

I’m in awe.

Arlo Guthrie:
This song is called Barliman’s Restaurant,
and it’s about Barliman,
and the restaurant,
but Barliman’s Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that’s just the name of the song,
and that’s why I called the song Barliman’s Restaurant.

You can get anything you want/
at Barliman’s Restaurant/
You can get anything you want/
at Barliman’s Restaurant/
Walk right in/
It’s a real fine sight/
Just a half a league/
from the barrow wight
You can get anything you want/
At Barliman’s Restaurant.

Now it all started…

The tower goes suddenly white, as if struck by lightning. I stare south, amazed. They have destroyed the Ring! I cry, I bawl like a baby. I’ll die! I howl. The night is aflame with winged men. Then darkness. I really will die! Cold, sharp outlines, everything around me: distinct, detached as dead Orcs. I understand. “Melkor!” I bellow. “Melkor, Melkor! I’m dying!” But his love is history. “It was an accident,” I bellow. “Blind, mindless, mechanical. Mere logic of chance.” I look down past the rivers of lava to a terrifying darkness. I seem to recognize the place, but it’s impossible. “Accident,” I whisper. I will fall. I seem to desire the fall, and though I fight it with all my will I know in advance that I can’t win. Standing baffled, quaking with fear, three feet from the parapet, I find myself, incredibly, moving toward it. I look down, down, into bottomless blackness, feeling the dark power moving in me like like an ocean current, moving me slowly to my voluntary tumble into death.

Again sight clears. I discover I no longer feel pain. Uruks and Easterlings gather around me to watch me die. They watch with mindless, indifferent eyes, as calm and midnight black as the chasm below me.

Is it joy I feel?

They watch on, evil, incredibly stupid, enjoying my destruction.

“Poor Sauron’s had an accident,” I whisper. “So may you all.”

  • John Gardner, Sauron

I can’t believe no one has done this one…

Jane Awesome’s Sauron and Saruman

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single hobbit in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of an adventure.

However little known the feelings or views of such a hobbit may be on his first receiving his inheritance, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of wandering wizards, that he is considered as the rightful recipient of one or the other of their magic rings.

“My dear Mr. Sackville-Baggins,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that Bag End is vacant at last?” 

Mr. Sackville-Baggins replied that he had not.

“But it is,” returned she, “for Mrs. Bracegirdle has just been here, and she has told me all about it.”

Mr. Sackville-Baggins made no answer.

“Do you not want to know what has happened?” cried his wife impatiently.

“You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”

This was invitation enough.

“Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Bracegirdle says that the ring was taken by a young hobbit of large fortune and is heading east to Rivendell; that he eloped secretly with the wizard Gandalf, who has a fortune of six thousand a year, and that he is to remain in sole possession until Michelmas; though the Lord Sauron de Morder has indicated his evident displeasure and refused to give his consent; and, my dear, Gandalf’s fortune is nothing compared to his; it is certain that some of his servants are to be in close pursuit by the end of next week.”

Adventure at Mount Doom
A Choose Your Own[sup]TM[/sup] Adventure

page 1

You are sitting in your little house at Bag End enjoying a nice cup of tea with your friends Sam, Merry and Pippin, when suddenly there is a loud knocking at the door. You open the door to see a tall, gray-haired old man. He points a bony finger at you and says, “My name is Gandalf, I was a friend of your uncle Bilbo. I have come to warn you of a terrible danger. Do you still have your uncle’s ring?”

“You mean this ring?” You hold out the ring to him. You don’t remember much about your uncle, except that people always said he was a great adventurer. Could he have known this strange old man?

“It’s too dangerous for you to stay here,” the old man snaps. “There are dangerous people searching for this ring as we speak. You must go to Bree, where I will meet up with you and take you to someone who will know what to do. Will you go?”

“Yes, I will” Turn to page 20.
“No, thanks” Turn to page 49.
page 49

The old man looks worried. “Are you sure? It’s very dangerous to stay here.”

“I really think we should go” says Merry.

“Me, too” says Sam, “think of the adventures we could have!”

“Ok, I’ll go” Turn to page 20.
“No, count me out” Turn to page 14.

page 14

Gandalf frowns at you. “Very well, if that’s the way you want it… Alakazam!”

With a wave of his wand, the room starts to spin around you. As your vision fades, you feel you feet start to slip out from under you…

Turn to page 20.

page 20

After a long hike, you arrive at the Prancing Pony Inn with Sam, Merry, and Pippin. The inn is full of people drinking and laughing, but Gandalf is nowhere to be seen. In the corner, you notice a strange man watching you carefully.

You order some food from the innkeeper. Turn to page 52.
You order some drinks from the bartender. Turn to page 63.
You go to your room to get some sleep. Turn to page 31.
You talk with the bartender. Turn to page 27.You talk to the stranger in the corner. Turn to page 18.

page 52

The innkeeper runs off to the kitchen to prepare your dinner. Just as you are about to sit down, the stranger strides over to your table with a sly grin on his face. “And what would you folk be doing so far from home?” he asks. “These parts aren’t very safe. You should come with me if you want to avoid those who’ll do you harm. Come up to my room and we’ll talk.”

“Ok, let’s go” Turn to page 6.
“Leave us alone” Turn to page 37

page 37

“Very well,” the stranger says, and walks back to his corner.

After supper, you and your friends go up to your room to sleep. In the middle of the night, you are awakened by a slight noise. Before you can look around, a hand covers your mouth and a sword blade plunges into your chest. As your life slips away, the last thing you feel is the ring being taken off your finger.

The End.

crap, page 6

Just as you enter the stranger’s room, he slams the door behind you and draws his sword. “Now I’ve got you!” he cackles, “hand over the ring!”

“Never! You’ll have to fight me for it!” Turn to page 13.
“Ok, you can have it. Just let us go.” Turn to page 44.

page 13

“Fools! You’re not even armed!” With one quick strike, he plunges his sword into your chest. As your vision fades, the last thing you hear is his laughter.

The End.

damn, page 44

“Ok, take it. Just don’t hurt us.”

“Well, you lot are even less brave than I thought! Gimme that!” He grabs the ring from your hand.

“You’ve got what you wanted, now let us go!” You shout.

He grins at you. “Not so fast there. I can’t have you blabbing to your wizard friend, now can I?”

Without another word, he stabs you with his sword. As you lay bleeding, you can’t help but think you’ve let a lot of people down.

The End.

shit. Ok, page 27

You strike up a conversation with the bartender, who seems eager to speak with you in between filling tankards for the other guests. Things seem to be going well until you decide to tell a joke. While your wit has made you famous throughout the Shire, but the bartended is not so taken with it. He punches you in the nose, causing you to fall back and strike your head against one of the tables. Your sight dimming as the blood flows from the gash in your scalp, you wonder how you were supposed to know his mother was a one-legged turnip farmer from Gondor?

The End.

#&@%#$$! page 63

The beer is poisoned. You die.

The end.

Book is flung across the room

I’ve been wanting to do a NYPD Blue one, or a Law & Order one, but for now…

**Dennis Miller

Rings
12/05/2002 **
I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but it seems to me that this whole ring thing has gotten just a bit out of hand. Sauron’s going after the Ring of Power like a cracked out Rosie O’Donnell after a pair of Tom Cruise’s used jockey shorts. He’s got bigger rage issues than Bobby Knight trapped in a car pool with Carrot Top, Phyllis Diller, and Kathy Lee Gifford. I can’t decide if Mordor looks more like Afghanistan during an air raid or Detroit on Halloween.

On the other hand, you’ve got Gandalf base jumping onto condors the size of DC-8’s and getting whipped by Balrug like a Sub at an all-night S&M party after the Street Fair in San Francisco. Speaking of San Francisco, that Khazad-dum bridge fell so fast, I thought I was watching footage from the 1989 San Fran-Oakland World Series.

And Frodo’s taken more hits than Ali but still comes out swinging and stabbing with his Timex Indiglo blade like OJ after a nice dinner with the wife while Sam spends more time eating than George Forman. That’s George the First, not to be confused with Georges 2-13.

These guys are less likely to reach an agreement than Sharon and Arafat, though you have to admit, they’ve been fighting about as long. Even Tyson and Holifield looking at each other saying, “Can’t we all just get along?”

It seems to me that of the Fellowships infighting for the Ring is nothing more than high school posturing the latest cell phone-MP3-palm pilot-HDTV-DVD-pocket pussy. Everybody knows that soon everyone’ll have one and you’ll be virtually invisible and it’ll just drive you insane, but for now, you’ve got to have it.

Now, some say that this Ring controls all other Rings, but lets face it folks, I’ve been trying to figure out my universal remote for years and I still have a clock that blinks 12:00. The chances of me being able to control anything else are about as high as the Catholic Churches chances of sponsoring a summer boys camp. What, too much? Okay, then how about a weekend retreat run by George Michael, Paul Rueubens, and Elton John? We could throw in Michael Jackson, but it’s getting cold out and his face might freeze and chip if bumps his nose on one of their pelvises.

If it were up to me, I’d make a new batch of rings, one for everyone, so nobody would feel left out. They wouldn’t do anything, but at least you wouldn’t have to buy earplugs to block the Rosanne-like National Anthem screeching of a pack of Wraiths.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.

thinksnow, that’s brilliant

Thank you, much.

O my god! I have created a monster! A wonderful, warm, witty, funny, and engaging monster, but still, a monster! Over 10,000 views!? 170 replys!? And every one is brilliant!

I would like thank each and every one of you for creating one of the best BB threads of all-time. A real classic! Thank you all!

When this thread dies out, if it ever does, I am going to print out each page, and hand sew them into a leather hard back album. I am going to call it The Red Book of Straight Dope. :wink:

I have one last request. Please, someone do an Eminem version, uncut. Thanks. :wink:

Fingolfin

Seinfeld Episode 144: “The Ring”:

So anyway my uncle gives me this ring of power and I can’t even recharge my cell phone with it. What’s up with that?

“Don’t tell me you lost the ring George.”
“I had it a minute ago. I must have left it in that restaraunt.”

“No Rings for you,” cried the Soup Nazgul.

"This guy who wants me to get rid of the ring is named Gandalf. Have you ever met anybody named Gandalf? What’s up with that?

The Council of Elrond:
“Sauron created the ring of power in the year…yadda, yadda, yadda… and that’s how Frodo here got it.”

Why didn’t Sauron make a spare ring? What’s up with that?

“Ho, Frodo.”
“Ho, Gandalf.”
Pause.
Sir,” Gandalf said softly.
“I know what you’re doing, Gandalf, sir, and I’m warning you.”
“Warning me?”
“I can be the best hobbit you’ve got, but don’t play games with me.”
“Or what?”
“Or I’ll be the worst hobbit you’ve got. One or the other.”
“And what do you want, warm muffins and a full pipe?” Gandalf was getting angry now.
Frodo looked unworried. “I want the One Ring.”
Gandalf walked back to him and stood, leaning on his staff, looking down into his eyes. “Why should you get the One Ring?”
“Because I’d know what to do with it.”
“Indeed. Knowing what to do with a Ring of Power is easy,” Gandalf said. It’s getting them into Mordor that’s hard. Why would anyone in the Fellowship want to follow a little pinprick like you?"

Orson Scott Card - Frodo’s Game

This is Vindblain’s (<-----me) version of how Shakespeare would’ve written it:

Gandalf: Whither thou goest young shireling. Wouldst thou be upon a torrent of mischeif whist ring on potentcy on thy stoutly finger?

Frodo: The Weird sisters be against me in a vile conspiracy of fate to have this ornament betrixt I and my shire. Twould not be a burden twere not for the temptress within my grip. To Mount Doom I must quest, with countenance gay.

Gandalf: Be ye wary of the Weird sisters misdoings. They prance like nymphs bidding ye to commit their will while dashing ye upon a rocky graveshore like sirens…

Frodo: It matereth not. Away, I am off. Gone from this land this shireling is. Off to take my leave of my home and queeth. Perchance never to return in bodily whole.

Gandalf: A ringwraith’s gord be cast against ye if ye be not hatily on you way.

Frodo: Tis’ sooth ye speak, so away I must, off with Moria’s hand in mine. Tis’ but a minor fear I feel nestled in my heartbreast. Perhaps me take comfort in mine thumb.

Gandalf: Do you suck your thumb at me sir!?

Frodo: I sthuck mine sthumb sthir, but I doth not tsuckuth mine sthumb at you sthir!..

Heeheehee…

Selections from the soundtrack:
“All I want is a hole somewhere
Warm and snug out of the night air
And one enormous chair
Oh - wouldn’t it be hobbity?”
“Just you wait, Gandalf the Grey, just you wait!
You’ll be sorry, but your spells will be too late!”
“The ring’s the thing that I must bring and fling”
(sung by the Uruk-Hai)

We could have fought all night
We could have fought all night
And still have begged for more
We could have spread our wings (do we have them?)
And killed a thousand things
We’ve never killed before …"

(comtinuing the theme above)

Do mellyrn grow on the street where you live?

The hail in Dale falls frailly on the swale

Our narrative now concerns a Mister Frodo Baggins of Bag End, a bourgeois estate in H_____, The S____. What sort of man was he? We shall see shortly that he was not a man at all, but that sort of fellow of slight build and dirty feet and fingernail known in those times as a Hobbit. He had inhereted of a kindly relative a ring. This ring was worth at least 10 sous in the precious metal alone, but it was not the value of the thing that will concern us. It had a history, this pretty thing, and it began long before this Baggins walked the streets of H____.

[Insert 10 pages of backstory of the Ring, followed by 15 more of the political scenario that led to its creation, and 5 of the battle tactics employed at The Battle of Dagorlad]

Let us return–as we now must–to that small place away from such great things where this ring found itself…

–Victor Hugo’s LoTR (or my poor attempt at it, at least).

gonzoron, you definitely caught the gist of Hugo. It took me five tries to get through the first chapter of Les Miserables…

Oh my… why did I not see this thread until now? Who’s been keeping it from me?!!!

Ahem.

Seriously, great stuff all around. I especially love the Stephen King version (Hoops stole my idea, dammit, but did it better than I would have), the Shakespeare one, and I picked up on the Gibson version right away. And the Bogart movie version is TOO funny!

I have to admit I’m a bit surprised nobody’s done a Melville version yet. It’s been a while, but… here goes.


The Lord of the Rings
by Herman Melville

Frodo was a lowly scrivener by trade, until he found the Ring, actually, until the Ring was given to him. The One Ring, a thin band of bright gold, gleaming, flawless. A strip of shining metal, turning and turning upon itself, endless and unbroken, a symbol of raw power with eldritch letters of flame etched into its gleaming surface, a secret that only fire could tell, in words that could not be spoken safely anywhere.

Gandalf had given him the Ring, he they called Mithrandir or the Grey Pilgrim, or not given it so much as placed it in his care. On an evening not so long ago, in Hobbiton near Bag End, on a night illuminated by the moon and with a chilly wind blowing through the tall grass, moving it like waves on the sea, cresting it with a sursuruss of soft motion, then blowing it down again in a cool rush, washing it over and over in the breeze. One could hear the grass moving that way more than one could see it, the rush of air through each individual blade, the rustle of the blades as they brushed against one another, a soft music for the ears when light grew dim. And yet, the majestic sight of the plains could not be matched, sweeping one away in the sheer vastness of it, the rolling green on and on to the horizon and over it. And the moonlight, bathing the fields of grass in its pale glow, gave it an even more otherworldly and beautiful appearance.

And on another evening, more recently, with the wind blowing so majestically through the grassy hills once again, Gandalf the Grey had asked Frodo to take the Ring out of Hobbiton, out of the Shire, to the man-city of Bree, where he would be met and they would then decide upon how to best dispose of it. This Gandalf asked in spite of his knowledge that Frodo had never once been away from the Shire, and he regarded it as his comfortable home, and despite that he himself did not know what to do with the Ring, indeed, feared to touch it himself due to its power and influence over all that lives. This he asked, in spite of all his fears and doubts, because he knew that Hobbits were indeed an honorable group of people, and that their hardy stock were up to the challenge even if they did not, themselves, think it were so. He had seen one Baggins rise most excellently to the occasion once, and he fully expected to see it again on this night.

Imagine his surprise, nay, his consternation, when without moving Frodo, in a singularly mild, firm voice, replied, “I would prefer not to.”


I haven’t the strength or time for any more, but you get the idea… I don’t know if I’ve fully matched Melville’s talent for florid descriptions and wandering sentences… but I tried. :slight_smile: