If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
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522

Machiavelli – The Ringbearer (excerpts)

When those ringbearers which have been acquired are accustomed to living at liberty under their own will, there are ways of holding them. One is to forge another ring, with the power to control and the will to dominate and rule the others. And if the ruler of the one ring rules a free-willed ring bearer and does not destroy his will, he can expect to be destroyed by it, for the ring bearer can always find a motive for rebellion in the name of liberty and free will.

523

Bag-feld

Frodo Bag-feld is sitting in Bag End, his shelves crammed with opened boxes of Lembas cereal. Kram-dalf comes careening in, knocking his hat off and tossing the staff into a chair.

KRAM-DALF: Whoa! Frodo, there’s a new brew down at the Green Dragon, you just gotta try it!

Frodo sputters and waves his hands angrily.

FRODO: Kram-dalf, what is your problem? You come barging in here like the place is meant for big folk and keep knocking over all of Bilbo’s knickknacks! Really though, what is up with knickknacks? They don’t knick. They don’t have a knack.

Kram-dalf snaps his fingers and pops his lips.

KRAM-DALF: That’s gold Frodo!

Samwise Costanza enters and plops between the two, looking more sullen than usual.

FRODO: Please, make yourself at hole! I insist!

SAM: Shut up Bag-feld. Rosie just broke up with me. What is with me and women? I mean, I cater to all their carnel desires, why can’t they cater to mine?

FRODO: What is it with carnel desires? They always seem to get the best of us. Take this ring I got from Bilbo. It’s small, unobtrusive, yet it continues to grow on my mind.

KRAM-DALF: Like a canker sore, with lemon juice poured on it?

FRODO: Exactly.

There is a knock at the door. Frodo opens it and Loth-man steps in.

LOTH-MAN: Hello Frodo!

FRODO:(Disgusted) Hell-o Loth-man. What do you want? Don’t you have an other obscure relatives you can pester?

LOTH-MAN:(Laughs manically) Oh, Frodo, Frodo. I just stopped by to inform you about a series of recent purchases I’ve just made.

He hands him the deed to BAG END. Frodo looks at it aghast.

FRODO: How did you get this?

LOTH-MAN: Apparently, someone hasn’t been paying there rent fees lately.

FRODO: I sent a check just last week.

LOTH-MAN: Well, you know how it is with the postal service.

FRODO: No, I don’t know how it is with the postal service. Care to educate me, fat boy?

Loth-man sneers and turns around.

LOTH-MAN: You have a day to get off my property, or else, I toss you out! Ta-ta!

Kram-dalf smacks his lips.

KRAM-DALF: You know, you could have avoided this entire problem is you had just used the UPES.

FRODO: The WHAT?

KRAM-DALF: United Elf Parcel Service.

FRODO: Then that would be UEPS!

KRAM-DALF: Well damn, now I’m really confused!

SAM: Will you all shut up! Let’s start focusing on what’s important here hobbits! ME!

Ar-laine comes in and slams the door behind her.

AR-LAINE: Well, I’m going to die.

FRODO:(Sarcastic) What, you’re STD test come back?

AR-LAINE: Shove it shorty. I’ve just promised myself to that Aragorn Putty twit, and now I’ve been banned from crossing the seas to Valinor! My Dad can be such a jerk sometimes.

KRAM-DALF: Hey, I know what could really cheer you up. This awesome ale down at the Green Dragon. It’ll knock your socks off.

AR-LAINE: Wait? The one made by Gaffer Costanza?

KRAM-DALF: Giddy-up!

AR-LAINE: Get out!

She shoves Kram-dalf into the fireplace. He lets out a yelp and rolls around on the floor in flames.

SAM: Oh, well that’s swell! And still no one’s comforting me over my sudden and irresolvable break-up!

AR-LAINE: Knowing Rosie, and knowing you, I’d say it was your fault.

SAM: Oh really? Where you there? Did you witness it for yourself?

Ar-laine gives him a wry look. He fumes silently and wrings his fists.

SAM: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I planted her new elanor greens under the window sill, and she didn’t like it, so (whispers) I set them on fire.

FRODO: God, let’s get down to the Green Dragon!

AR-LAINE: I don’t know, what with Mr. Pyromaniac along for the ride, won’t he burn the place down?

SAM: It was an accident! An Accident!

FRODO: All the same, we’re keeping the matches away from you. Come on Kram-dalf, I need to figure out how to get Bag end back from that idiot cousin of mine.

524

The Remains of The Ring by Kazuo Ishiguro

It seems increasingly likely that I really will undertake the expedition that has been preoccupying my imagination now for some days. An expedition, I should say, which I will undertake alone, with only the companionship of the gardener, Sam (a hobbit such as I, you see-- daring perhaps to place myself among the great hobbits of my generation-- a hobbit such as I is accustomed to referring to those under him in the staff by their given, Christian names); an expedition which, as I foresee it, may well take me through much of the finest countryside of Middle-Earth, as well as some of the most perilous, to the Rivendell home of the Elves, and may keep me from the Shire for as much as one or two months. The idea of such a journey came about, I should point out, from a most urgent suggestion put to me by Mr. Gandalf himself several evenings past. An evening when, as I recall, I had only just returned from the pub, and thus perhaps did not give this request the thought it merited. I use the word request loosely, for the desperation in which it was delivered was not at all akin to the easy and free manner with which my friend is in the habit of conversing with me. I must admit, I am uncertain as to what he wishes from me in regards to these conversations. Mr. Gandalf, you see, is very fond of the small witticisms in which he indulges, a state not entirely exclusive, I believe, from the large amounts of pipe-weed he consumes. We of the Shire are not used to this bandiment of jest, and I find myself at times unable to produce more than a weak smile. Still, I am mindful that he is a foreigner, and if the fulfillment of my duties requires the exchange of these witticisms, then I shall pursue their execution to the best of my abilities. But I digress. On the particular evening, as I recall, I was seated before the fire, gazing at the fine picture of the Old Took which has hung over the mantlepiece now for a good many years. It was then that Mr. Gandalf entered, placed the volumes he carried haphazardly on my writing desk, and threw himself down into an armchair (an armchair which, i might add, was rather too small for him, being made to the measure of a fully grown Hobbit) and said, with great distress,“You realize, Frodo, that it’s not safe for
you to remain here in this house with the staff of Sauron abroad. I’ve an idea. It seems best if you take the Ring to my old friend Elrond in Rivendell. He’ll tell you what to do.”

all i can think of at the moment. Has anyone done a Nora Roberts one?

525

hi all, i’m new but i somehow found a link to this thread and it blew me away so i signed up…dunno if anyone’s done these yet, but they came to me and i must. apologies in advance!

captain frodo and the fellowshippers

gandalf!
gimli!
legolas!
strider!
hobbits!
(and boromir)
goooo fellowship!

by your powers combined, i am captain frodo!

captain frodo, he’s our hero!
gonna take that ring right down to zero!
he’s a halfling, from the shire,
fighting on the gandalf siiiiide…

(members of the fellowship):
we’re the fellowshippers, you can be one too
cuz destroying this ring is the thing to do!
evil domination is not the way.
here’s what captain frodo has to say:
(frodo):
gooooo us!

526

There’s gotta be a way the Chicago Reader could make money off this thread!

527

sponge bob square pants?
gandalf: arrrre ya ready kids?

hobbits: aye aye, gandalf!

gandalf: i cant hear you!!

hobbits: aye-aye, gandalf!!!

gandalf: okaay…
whoooooooooooooooooooooooo
lives in a hobbit hole out in the shire?

hobbits: frodo baggins!

gandalf: so furry and short and freaky is he…

hobbits: frodo baggins!

gandalf: if seeing much bish-iness is what you wish,

hobbits: frodo baggins!

gandalf: then go watch the movies and drool like a fish!

hobbits: frodo baggins!

all: frooodooo baaagginss, frooodoo baaagggggiiiinnnnnss, froodoooooo baagiinnnns, froodoooooo baaaaagiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!

528

billy troll’s scenes from a tolkien-ian trilogy

(frodo)
a ring made of gold, it might make me dead,
perhaps gandalf should take it instead?
oh crap, it’s gotta be me
I dont wanna leave this old familiar place
catch you face to face in breeeeeeeee

(new line cinema execs)
tom bombadil, where did he go?
he was in the book, not in the film, though
we’ll just add in liv tylerrr
in our neew zeaaland film.

(frodo in rivendell)
things are okay with the hobbits these days
made it alive, chilling with elves
got some new toys, eating some lembas
and pal bilbo is old
oh, we think we’re going home
you’re all weak, i didn’t know
i’ll take it to mordor, after all this m$#er f&#ing time!

(merry and pippin’s lament)
do you remember those days hanging out back in the shiire?
elevensies, bag end, parties, all that fun
oh, we’d drink and sing and have some jolly fun
back in hobbiton
cold beer, hot food
our sweet romantic tweenage nights

(billy troll)
a dude called saruman was the popular wizard
And a smartie in middle-earth
strutting around with his fancy staff
And his magical powers
Nobody looked any finer or was more of a hit at the orthanc diner
We never knew he could want more than that out of life
Surely s-man and gandalf would always know how to be friends

arwen and strider were still going steady in that summer of the third age
When they decided the marriage would be after 1000 pages
Everyone said they were crazy
arwen you know you’re much too elfy
And strider could never own up and be king of gondor
But there we were while arwen waved strider goodbye.

(fellowship-ers)
we all joined a fellowship and had us some fun
now theres paintings of us up at sears
they travelled to moria and found out there’d
been no one alive there in years
but they started to fight when the orcs were in sight
and they just didn’t count on the bridge

(billy troll)
well they ran for a while in a very nice style
but it’s always the same in the end
gandalf met his doom at kazad dum
and parted from all of his friends
then the soon-to-be-king took the rest outside
and they never went back there again.

our man frodo had had it already
By the time that they left lorien
from the high to the low to the end of the show
he decided to go it alone
his friends couldn’t escape their attractions
so the fellowship broke up into factions
but we always knew they would all find a way to get by
oh, that’s all I heard about books one and two
can’t tell you more cause i told you already
and here we are waving frodo and sam goodbye

(legolas, gimli, and aragorn)
so long boromir
let’s go chase some ooooorcs
i’ll meet you hobbits later on
in our fine old triiilogyy

529

An idea for anyone who’s recently read Return of the King … Eowyn fits nicely in the space of “Kerowyn” for Lackey’s song “Kerowyn’s Ride” … grin

hmmm… Lackey doing LotR songs… eek. What does it mean when you filk a filk? vanished to work on that idea, be back tomorrow

530

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started out from Rivendell,
and was named a Fellowship.

The Ring was wanting Saruman
to wraithe our Frodo pure.
So nine brave souls set forth that day,
for the forge of Mor-a-dor, the forge of Mor-a-dor…

The Balrog started getting rough,
the dwarf would not be tossed.
If not for the courage of Grey Gandalf,
the mission would be lost; they all would have been lost.

The rest of them continued on across each scenic mile
with Aragorn, and Archer Elf,
and Boromir, and the Dwarf,
with true-blue Sam, the hobbit twits and Frodo’s angst,
all in Tolkien’s grand style!

531

yeah i keep remembering stuff iwanna add: you all need to visit this website: http://www.jerrythefrogproductions.com/fellowshipofthering.html it is AMAZING.

532

okay, got one…
Mercedes Lackey does a song tape for LotR - track one:
Threes

Deep into the stony hills, miles from Is-en-gard,
a horde of Urk-hai running, running fast and running hard.
Tthey carry with them halflings, stolen at their lord’s command:
he seeks the Ring of Power to adorn his gnarled hand.
Three things see no end,
a flower blighted e’re it blooms,
the message that miscarries
and the journey that is doomed.

Some amongst the uglies call a halt to their hard flight,
they’re hungry and they’re footsore, and they’re glad to pick a fight.
The group begins to argue, and a head or two gets chopped,
the hobbits try to flee but are by hungry goblin stopped.
Three things never trust in,
the wound that will not heal,
the ally who keeps secrets,
and a hungry mob with steel.

From ambush Rhorim screaming charge the Urk-hai and their prize,
and every one who’s not on horse is taken by surprise,
and all but three are cut down as a woodsman fells a log:
the hobbits started running and the goblin ran along.
Of three things be wary:
a Rohan man on horse,
a Sheild-maid who is angry,
and the Fanghorn Forest, of course.

The hungry goblin chases and the frightened hobbits flee,
they try to hide themselves up in the branches of a tree,
But it’s an Ent who’s napping, and once awake he sets things right:
stomps the goblin, takes the hobbits off to meet the Wizard White.
Three things never anger
or you will not live for long:
A dwarf with axe, a wizard true,
and an Entish sense of wrong.

(yes, it’s awful, and not the same length as the original, but, well…) (and for those who have no idea what I’m talking about, check out Firebird Arts and Music).

533

With apologies:

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tiny town,
that Bilbo had just slipped.
The hobbit was a hobbit not a man,
the wizard brave and sure.
Three people set off that day,
to thwart the Dark Lord, thwart the Dark Lord………
The Nazgul started getting rough,
the tiny group was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
the Ring would be lost; the Ring would be lost.
The group took ground on the shore of this Lorien elven wood,
with Frodo, Strider too,
Tom Bombadil, and Legolas,
Sam Gamgee, Gimli, Boromir Merry and Pippin,
here on Gilligan’s Isle.

So this is the tale of our fellowship,
they’ll fight a long, long time.
They’ll have to make the best of things,
it’s an uphill climb.
The hobbit and the wizard too,
will do their very best,
to make the others live right through,
this horrid Sauron pest.
No food, no drink, no sex at all,
not a single luxury.
Like the Cracks of Doom,
it’s primitive as can be.
So join us here each year my friend,
you’re sure to get a grin.
From Peter Jackson’s telling,
Of the Lord of the Rings.

534

jefferson ring ship

one ring makes you larger
the other makes you small
and the one that bilbo gave you
makes you invisible to all

535

LORD OF THE RINGS
by
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
I was born deep down in a hole-in-the-ground,
First kick I took was when I got pushed around.
Been treated like an orc who’s been beat too much,
And I spent half my life just coverin’ up…

Born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
Born in Hobbiton…

I got put in a big old jam,
when my uncle put a ring in my hand,
It got me sent off to some foreign land,
Cause I was told to destroy it by some grey old man…

Born in Hobbiton…

I had a friend named Boromir,
Fightin’ off the orcs by the Anduin,
They’re still here, he’s passed on,
Born in Hobbiton…

I come back to my home in the Shire,
But I can’t get a job ‘cause someone lit it all on fire…
I got nothin’ left but these ripped blue jeans,
and all the looks people give me that are just so mean…

Born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
I’m a cool rockin’ hobbit from Hobbiton…

536

:biggrin:

I love that song (the original). Good job

537

After all these great contributions, all I have is a couple of script excerpts.

Fellowship of the Sopranos:
Sammie G: 'Ey, uh, Tony… that the One True Ring there?
Tony Baggins: Be a helluva thing if it weren’t.

The Two Towers of Em City (a spinoff of Oz):
(Several lifers, a clique the guards have taken to calling “The Fellowship,” sit on a long bench in the weight room.)
Legolas (sitting down and putting his arm around Aragorn): You got the ring?
Aragorn: No, I don’t have the [censored] ring.
Gimli: I hear this midget’s got it.
Boromir: [censored] midgets. Struttin’ around like they [censored] own the place… someone oughtta do something.
Legolas: You do that, Warden Saruman will make you wish you’d never been born.
Boromir: Yeah? Personally, I think the warden has a thing for the little [censored].
(Frodo walks up, and climbs deftly up onto the bench next to them.)
Gimli: Someone invite you, new boy?
Frodo: What’s it to ya? Like what ya see here?
Legolas: Oh, tough guy. Say, we hear one of your kind has the ring. What do ya say?
Frodo: My kind? What is that, a racial slur? Hey, we’re all the same here.
Boromir: [censored]. Say that again after lights out, sweet cheeks.
(Samwise ambles over.)
Samwise: Frodo… did you… ah… take care of the… uh… problem?
Frodo (looking perplexed) Problem?
Samwise: You know… the, err, situation?
Frodo (unsure): I don’t know… Oh, you mean… OH! No, I, uh…
Boromir (grabbing Frodo by the collar): You do have it, you sawed-off [censored]! You have the ring!
(A guard immediately starts moving toward them, and another…)
Aragorn: Aw, [censored], man! The [censored] guards must be Nazgul! The warden lied to us!

538

The Halfling and the Istari
ala Lewis Carroll
The Halfling and the Istari
were sitting at their mead;
Relaxing after setting-to
on a very ample feed;
and speaking of momentous things
while smoking choice pipe-weed.

The Hobbit took a long, deep draw
and blew a smoke ring grand;
of this he was quite proud, you see,
and hoped a fanfare band;
But the Wizard puffed a Sailing Ship
bound for the Undying Land.

They debated deep and lofty themes
till the rise of the Morning Star;
Such as the origins of Dragons,
did they spontaneously appear;
Such as the creation of Evil
and the nature of Iluvatar.

They spoke of Quests and Rings of Power,
of Volcanoes and many things;
Like can half-elf maids die or sail,
can Rangers become Kings;
Like whether Uruks are bred or brewed,
and do Balrogs have wings.

539

Hey, don’t ask, that was terrible! I must lower the bar!

Well, let me tell the story ‘bout a hobbit named Fro’
Who found an evil ring, Gandalf said it had to go
“Fro’, land o’ Mordor is the place for rings like these!”
So Fro’ grabbed his servant Sam, and he headed for the east…

Orodruin, that is… Mount Doom… Cracks o’ fire…

Well, first thing ya know, ol’ Boromir lost his head
Tried to take Fro’s ring and ended up shot dead
Gollum’s guidin’ Fro’ and Sam, while their friends ride off to war
And together they’re a-seekin for a way to Mor-dor

Y’all count your fingers, now, y’hear!?!?

540

Oh my God.

I love you all. For being as wrong as possible.

541

The first and last paragraphs of David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of this trilogy, or whether that station will be held by another Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien must show. To begin my life with the beginning of the day I got the ring, I record that Bilbo had left (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o’clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and Bilbo disappeared from the party, simultaneously.

O Precious, O my soul, so may thy gold be by me when I close my life indeed; so may I, when Middle Earth is melting from me, like the Raiths which I now dismiss, still find thee near me, on my pointing finger!