Loving this . . . how about J.R.R. Dickens’ A Christmas Carol?
Ok another one. But prolly someone could make this better. but here I try anyway:
Recipe for Helms Deep’s favorite battle
INGREDIENTS
Portion 1.
A thousand Ugly Orcs
A million Ugly UrukHais
Couple Mutated Trolls
Portion 2.
One Crazy King
A hundred Teenage Boys
A hundred Hopeless Farmers
A handful of Frightened Soldiers
Portion 3.
120 Arrows
Over 200 Swords
A couple Explosives
Lots and lots yelling
One flash of White Light by Gandalf
In an extra large bowl, saute together the Portion 1 ingredients, until black and roudy.
In a medium pan, boil together the Portion 2 ingredients. Cook until all are wilted and tender.
Pour the contents in the large bowl into the pan. Mix it until they are overflowing and a great mess is made. Add in the Portion 3 ingredients and stir until well mixed.
Add yelling to your taste.
Heat the oven to 700 degrees F and cook until it’s completely black.
Remove from the pan.
When you think you can’t make any more mess out of this concution, Use the flash of Gandalf light to make things all better.
A Christmas Epic, by J.R.R. Dickens
Chapter 1 - Isildur’s Heir
Isildur was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He was shot quite full of arrows by a party of orcs and left floating in the river. Sauron willed it. And Sauron’s will was great upon Middle Earth, for anything he chose to put his mind to. Isildur was as dead as a barrow-wight.
Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a barrow-wight I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a barrow-wight as the deadest denzien of all the undead hordes. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or Middle-Earth’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Isildur was as dead as a barrow-wight.
Sauron knew he was dead? Of course he did. How could it be otherwise? Sauron was Isildur’s Bane, the Doom of Men, the slayer of kings, the Dark Lord, and the Lord of the Rings.
Nobody ever stopped him in the street to say, with gladsome looks, "My dear Sauron, how are you. When will you come to see me.’’ No Men implored him to bestow his magic rings, no hobbit offered to share with him their pipe-weed, no elf or or dwarf ever once in all his life inquired the way Barad-dur or the Dead Marshes, of Sauron. Even the blindmen’s dogs appeared to know when his great eye was upon them; and when they felt him looking towards them, would tug their owners into doorways and up courts; and then would wag their tails as though they said, "No eye at all is better than the evil eye, dark master!’’…
The door of Sauron’s black tower was open that he might keep his eye upon his prisoner, who in a dismal little cell beyond, a sort of torture chamber, was rolling about and moaning about his Precious and theiving hobbitses. Sauron’s Eye was wreathed in a bit of fire, but the prisoner’s fire was so very much smaller that it looked like one coal. Wherefore the prisoner huddled in the corner, and tried to warm himself with thoughts of raw fish and his Precious; in which effort, not being a man of a strong imagination, he failed.
"A merry Christmas, Dark Lord!’’ cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Sauron’s minion, The Witch-King of Angmar, who came upon him so quickly on his winged steed that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.
"Bah!’’ said Sauron, "Humbug!’’
It was foggy and wet that morning in London. Frodo arrived at Bag End, 221B Baker Street, to find Gandalf examining a curious circular object. “I say, what have you got there, old chap?” he asked.
Gandalf laid aside his crack pipe and replied, “Suppose you tell me.”
Frodo picked up the object. “I’d say it was a man’s gold wedding band, of the sort you can get for fifty shillings or so on Carnaby Street.”
Gandalf replied, “Guessing is a rotten habit that spoils the reasoning faculty, Frodo. I myself have been researching the whole morning in the library at Mithra. When I was quite finished, I returned home to test my suspicions. In my chemical laboratory, I first heated the ring to a temperature of precisely 212 degrees, at which point the script of Mordor appeared upon the ancient ring, for such it is.”
“So, it’s an antique. Why does it matter to you?”
“Ah, I have learned that the ring is greatly valued by someone–that is, my old nemesis and arch-enemy. You know the one, Frodo.”
"Sauron? The one the police call “The Great Eye?”
“Yes, a man willing to commit any crime. This case may be our most challenging case yet. Now, will you share a cab with me to Rivendell!”
–by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
After reading this thread, the realization comes forth and cannot be denied.
I am lowly slime, unworthy to visit the great intellect that frequents this site.
Much of this stuff is bloody brilliant and way beyond my capability to contribute.
I stand in awe.
AAAAH HA HA!! WOW! SidheWolf, that was bloody brilliant! Oh my. “My dear Sauron, when will you come to see me?” LOL!
aw, and andymurph64, despair not! i was totally totally blown away when i first arrived at this thread–but adding to it is SO much fun. i’m sure you’d rock! XD
-epi
I’m still waiting for someone to do a script of Angela Lansbury in “Mordor, She Wrote.” But anyway:
**John Keats - La Dam Ring sans Merci **
O what can ail thee, Frodo lad,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge is wither’d from the shire,
And no bards sing.
I see a lily on thy brow
With anguish moist and Mountain Dew,
As though Nazgul with morgul blades
Stuck it to you.
I met her inside Rivendell
Full beautiful, a faery’s child;
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her ring-envy wild.
I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing else saw all day through,
For I am short and way up there
She’s out of view.
She took me to her elfin grot,
And there I ate lembas and thought
She’s nice and all but what the
Hell’s an ‘elfin grot’?
And there she popped a DVD,
And there I saw-Ah! woe is me!
The latest dream I ever dream’d
That cartoon version by Bakshi.
I saw tall Ents, and Strider too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried-“La dam ring sans merci
Hath thee in thrall!”
I saw their starv’d lips in the gloam
With horrid warning gaped wide,
And I awoke, and found me here
On Mount Doom’s side.
And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is wither’d from the shire,
And no bards sing.
Great thread!
I wrote this a few months ago (to Edelweiss):
Saruman, Saruman, has joined forces with Sauron.
Once was white, now by night, he makes orcs walk in daylight.
Hobbits in snow trudging with Frodo, Ringbearer forever,
Taken by Urak-hai: the Fellowship is severed.
And I just came up with this bit:
Mr. Tolkien:
It has come to our attention that throughout your history of Middle Earth you make reference to “the One Ring”. This terminology is misleading to the average reader, as it obscures the contributions of the Free Ringware Foundation (FRF) which made creation of the ring possible. While it is true that Sauron did forge the ring in the fires of Mt. Doom, his labors would not have achieved such recognition and success, were it not for the pre-existing accomplisments of the founders of the Free Ringware movement, such as metallurgists, miners, and goldsmiths–and to a significant degree myself, since the forge code was written using my rmacs (Ring MACroS) ringware. Furthermore, the ring was released under the GNU General Public License, version 2 (or any later version, at your option) which is why Sauron was not the only being who could invoke its power. (Although it is a pity that the info documentation was misplaced, thereby preventing Bilbo and Frodo from making full use of the ringware.)
In light of these facts, we request that you abstain from the phrase, “One Ring”, and replace it with the preferred term, “GNU/One Ring”. While it is acceptable to use “One Ring” to refer strictly to the metal band, “GNU/One Ring” is the proper term to use when referring to the entire GNU Ring Operating System, consisting of the central ring, the networked rings and their associated powers. (cf http://www.frf.org/WhyGNUOneRing.html ) By doing so, you will demonstrate your support of the Free Ringware movement and your solidarity with the FRF. You will also help to ensure that the FRF artisans, without whose work the ring could not have been forged, will received due credit for their labors, as well as advancing the cause of Free Ringware in society as a whole.
RMS
(I’m a b-a-a-a-d boy, Abbott!)
Anyone want to take a shot at a John Ringo version ?
Andrew
Of course, there has to be a response…
COME NOW the Defendants, FRODO BAGGINS (hereinafter “Frodo”) and SAMWISE
GAMGEE (hereinafter “Sam”), and hereby serve and file their Answer,
Affirmative Defenses, Counterclaim and Third-Party Complaint as follows:
-
Admitted that Sauron is an unnatural person. Denied that in his present
excorporeal state that he is capable of residing or being domiciled
anywhere. -
Denied that Frodo and Sam are natural persons, but admitted that they
are natural halflings. -
Admitted for jurisdictional purposes only.
-
Denied. Specifically, Sam denies ever possessing the Ring (except for a
short period of time during which he was under the reasonable, albeit
mistaken, belief that Frodo was deceased). Further, Frodo denies that he
converted the Ring or trespassed on the same while the Ring was in the
possession of Sauron. -
Admitted that the Ring was destroyed on or about the last day of the
Third Age. However, Denied that either Frodo or Sam caused the destruction
of the same. The Defendants are without knowledge of what activities were
being undertaken by the Plaintiff or his minions at the time of the
destruction of the Ring and therefore the allegations regarding the same are
denied. All remaining allegation in this paragraph are denied. -
Without knowledge and therefore denied. It is specifically denied that
Sauron can recover for loss of consortium with the Ring, as this would be
considered an unnatural act under the Middle Earth Code which is applicable
to the plaintiff, despite the fact that he is an unnatural being. -
Denied.
AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSES:
-
Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Frodo was a bona fide owner and
holder in due course of the Ring, and had no knowledge that it was stolen at
the time it was transferred to him. Frodo received good title to the Ring
either from his cousin/uncle Bilbo Baggins, or by the Counsel of Elrond. -
Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Sauron committed a fraud upon
the elves, dwarves and men when he created the Ring, and therefore he has
waived all interest in ownership and possession of that which should never
have been made. -
Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that they did not destroy the Ring,
but rather the Ring was destroyed by the independent intervening acts of a
third party, namely one Smeagol a/k/a Gollum. -
Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Sauron does not come to this
Court with clean hands, as he caused nine unnamed co-conspirators
(hereinafter collectively, “Nazgul” or “Wraiths”) to assault and batter
Frodo and Same when they were returning the Ring to Mordor. -
Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Sauron’s claim of ownership of
the Ring is barred by the statute of limitations and by the doctrine of
laches, as the Ring had not been in the possession of Sauron for many
centuries at the time it came into the possession of Frodo and/or Sam.
COUNTERCLAIM:
COME NOW the Defendants/CounterPlaintiffs, FRODO BAGGINS (hereinafter
“Frodo”) and SAMWISE GAMGEE (hereinafter “Sam”) and sue the Plaintiff,
SAURON, and state:
-
This is an action for personal injury, the intentional infliction of
emotional distress, and product liability. -
During the events described in the Complaint and Affirmative Defenses,
Sauron attacked Frodo, either personally or through his agents, the Nazgul.
These attacks were either physical (e.g. the dagger to Frodo’s shoulder) or
psychic in nature. -
Further, during the attacks referenced in the previous paragraph, Sauron
and/or his minions negligently or recklessly caused physical and emotional
damages to Sam, during their self-help attempt to recover the Ring. -
Additionally, the Ring, created by Sauron, was a defective and dangerous
product manufactured by Sauron. Specifically, it contained no safety device
which prevented its use by anyone other than its true owner. As a result,
Frodo and/or Sam suffered additional mental and physical trauma.
WHEREFORE, FRODO BAGGINS and SAMWISE GAMGEE demand judgment against Sauron
(or his Estate) for damages and costs, and demand a trial by jury in their
county of residence, Hobbiton.
THIRD-PARTY COMPLAINT:
COME NOW the Defendants/Third-Party Plaintiffs, FRODO BAGGINS (hereinafter
“Frodo”) and SAMWISE GAMGEE (hereinafter “Sam”) and sue the Third-Party
Defendants, SMEAGOL a/k/a GOLLUM, BILBO BAGGINS, and ARAGORN a/k/a STRIDER
as personal representative of the ESTATE OF ISILDUR, and state:
-
The chattel refered to herein was stolen from Sauron by Isildur. This
stolen chattel was later possessed by Smeagol/Gollum and Bilbo Baggins. -
Isildur (and his heirs), Smeagol/Gollum, and Bilbo Baggins were all
aware that the Ring was stolen. -
The Third-Party Defendants, either collectively, individually or in some
combination, are responsible for all damages suffered by Sauron, and
therefore are liable to Frodo and Sam for indemnification. -
Further, Smeagol/Gollum assaulted and battered Frodo, causing him
personal injury, to wit, the loss of a finger.
WHEREFORE FRODO BAGGINS and SAMWISE GAMGEE demand judgment against the
Third-Party Defendants for indemnification, and FRODO BAGGINS demands
further judgment against SMEAGOL/GOLLUM for damages caused by the
intentional tort herein described.
(As Frodo was not married at the time of Smeagol/Gollum’s battery, no claim
for loss of consortium can be brought arising out of the loss of the finger,
and besides, this is a family publication.)
Respectfully submitted,
CELEBORN, GALADRIEL & ELROND
Attorneys and Gladiators at Law
There were some kicks in The Shire but the world was calling and Frodo’s offer seemed to stir something almost holy in me. We had a few more drinks then called on Merry and Pippin for a laugh. We were never ones to travel heavy but the extra voices sounded good in the night and by the time the sun was up we’d raided Bag End for all the smoke we could carry and had decided to follow the directions the old man had given us, even though it seemed unlikely he’d ever really join us at the Pony. I tell you all this because what happened after the old man didn’t join us is a tale that’s too good to tell and you can either believe in it and feel the spirit of what were beating out of the countryside with every footfall or disregard it as an entertaining bit of fiction. Either way, it’s my tale to tale and that’s the way it started that summer.
-Sam Kerouac-
Mr. Baggins
(with apologies to Misters Simon and Garfunkel…)
(Refrain)
And here’s to you, Mr. Baggins
Middle-Earth’s future depends on you, whoo whoo whoo
You must be brave, Mr. Baggins
A quest you must venture upon today
Hey hey hey hey hey hey
You need to get away from Bag End for a while
We need your help to save the world
Look around you, all you see is one big flaming eye
Maybe you can make it, if you try
(Refrain)
Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
Put it in your floor among the papers
It’s a little secret, just the Baggins’ affair
Most of all, you’ve got to hide it from the wraiths
Coo coo ca-choo, Mr. Baggins
(Refrain)
Slogging off towards Mordor on a Sunday afternoon
Stumbling across a filthy creature
Try to hide it, try to fight it, when you’ve got the Ring
At least you also have your Sting
Where have you gone, Gandalf the Grey
A hobbit turns his lonely eyes to you, woo woo woo
What’s that you say, Sam Gamgee
Gandalf, he has left and gone away
Hey hey hey, hey hey hey
It was a dark and stormy night.
The Nazgul jumped out from behind the bush.
“BOO!” he yelled.
(Wow! That’s scary.)
only doing this so someone can one-up me… ah, the possibilities are endless!
The Army of Dwarfness
Gimli: All right you soldiers of Sauruman, listen up. See this? This is my BASHSTICK! It’s a twelve layer, double forged axe, S-mart’s top of the line. You can find this is the orc-hunting department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in the Mines of Moria. Retails for more than you can imagine… It’s walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and can cut a hair. That’s right. Shop Smart, Shop S-mart. Ya got that? Now I swear, the next one of you creatures even touches me …
And I agree with Hunter Green… anyone want ot try Eddie Izzard?
At the banks of the Great River, ANDUIN. BOROMIR has just tried to take THE ONE RING from FRODO. FRODO slips on the RING and escapes. LEGOLAS with ARAGORN and GIMLI confront BOROMIR. FRODO has slipped off the RING and stands nearby . . .
LEGOLAS: How you boys doin’? (No answer)
LEGOLAS (to Boromir): Am I trippin’, or did I just ask you a question.
BOROMIR: We’re doin’ okay.
LEGOLAS: Do you know who we are?
Boromir shakes his head: “No.”
LEGOLAS: We’re associates of your business partner Elrond Halfelven. You remember your business partner dont’ya?
BOROMIR: I remember him.
LEGOLAS: Good for you. Looks like me and Aragorn caught you at breakfast, sorry ‘bout that. What’cha eatin’?
BOROMIR: Lembas.
LEGOLAS: Lembas. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda Lembas?
BOROMIR: Waybread.
LEGOLAS: No, I mean where did you get’em? Rivendell, Mirkwood, where?
BOROMIR: Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS: Lothlorien. That’s that joint where the Lady Galadriel lives. I heard they got some tasty lembas. I ain’t never had any myself, how are they?
BOROMIR: They’re good.
LEGOLAS: Mind if I try one of yours?
BOROMIR: No.
Legolas grabs the lembas and takes a bite of it.
LEGOLAS: Uuummmm, that’s tasty lembas.
(to Aragorn): Strider, you ever try lembas from Lothlorien?
ARAGORN: No.
Legolas holds out the lembas.
LEGOLAS: You wanna bite, it’s real good.
ARAGORN: I ain’t hungry.
LEGOLAS: Well, if you like lembas give 'em a try sometime.
(to Boromir): You know what the Dale-men call lembas?
BOROMIR: Cram?
LEGOLAS: Check out the big brain on Boromir. You’a smart motherf***er, that’s right.
Boromir, you know what we’re here for?
Boromir nods his head: “Yes.”
LEGOLAS: Then why don’t you tell my boy here Strider, where you got the s**t hid.
GIMLI: Frodo took it –
LEOGOLAS: I don’t remember askin’ you a goddamn thing.
Cut to Frodo, seen from behind. We can’t see what he’s holding up on a chain, but a small gold glow shines on him. Frodo just stares at it, transfixed.
LEGOLAS: We happy? (No answer from the transfixed Frodo.)
LEGOLAS: Frodo! (Frodo looks up at Legolas.)
LEGOLAS: We happy?
FRODO: We’re happy
BOROMIR (to Legolas): I just want you to know how sorry we are about how f***ed up things got between me and Elrond by my trying to take the Ring to Minas Tirith. When we entered into this thing, I only had the best intentions –
As Boromir talks, Legolas takes out his bow and loads it with an arrow from his quiver. Boromir has just s**t his pants. He’s not crying or whimpering, but he’s so full of fear, it’s as if his body is imploding.
LEGOLAS (to Boromir): Oh, I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about “best intentions.” (Boromir can’t say a word.)
LEGOLAS: Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what Elrond Halfelven looks like? (Boromir still can’t speak.)
Legolas SNAPS, SAVAGELY KNOCKING Boromir to the ground. Boromir now sits on the gound like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.
LEGOLAS: What country you from!
BOROMIR (petrified): What?
LEGOLAS: “What” ain’t no country I know! Do they speak Elvish in “What?”
BOROMIR (near heart attack): What?
LEGOLAS: Elvish-motherf***er-can-you-speak- it?
BOROMIR: Yes.
LEGOLAS: Then you understand what I’m sayin’?
BOROMIR: Yes.
LEGOLAS: Now describe what Elrond Halfelven looks like!
BOROMIR (out of fear): What?
Legolas takes his bow and PRESSES the tip of the arrow HARD in Boromir’s cheek.
LEGOLAS: Say “What” again! C’mon, say “What” again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherf***er, say “What” one more goddamn time!
Now describe to me what Elrond Halfelven looks like!
BOROMIR: Well he’s …he’s…an elf –
LEGOLAS: – go on!
BOROMIR: …and he…he…wears a headband –
LEGOLAS: – does he look like a dwarf?!
BOROMIR (without thinking): What?
Legolas rolls his eyes and SHOOTS Boromir in the shoulder. Boromir SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM.
LEGOLAS: Does-he-look-like-a-dwarf?!
BOROMIR (in agony): No.
LEGOLAS: Then why did you try to toss 'im like a dwarf?!
BOROMIR (in spasm): I didn’t.
Now in a lower voice. LEGOLAS: Yes ya did Boromir. Ya tried ta toss 'im by taking the Ring from Frodo. You ever read Elven-lore, Boromir?
BOROMIR (in spasm): Yes.
LEGOLAS: There’s a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: “One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.”
Legolas empties his quiver of arrows into Boromir. Aragorn plunges Anduril into Boromir. When they are finished, the massacred carcass just sits there for a moment, then TOPPLES over. All is quiet.
As if by Anne Rice
I am the Lead Rider of the Nazgul, and it has been more than two millennia since I received the Dark Gift from Sauron, the One Who Made Me. I had been a might King of Men, accustomed to all the finest things: tapestries from Rivendale, damask and silk robes from Gondor, crisp Numenorean wines and, when the mood arose, the occasional spanking.
Of course, all that changed…
My Master had bid me to reclaim a seeming trifle: a Ring. The ring was hidden away in the Shire, in the possession of Frodo Baggins.
When I beheld Frodo, I was utterly transfixed! His skin was as pale and clear as porcelain, his eyes a piercing blue, his curls dark and lustrous and his lips full and red. It was almost as if he’d received the Dark Gift already, and, in a way, he had. He was tiny and delicate, and I longed to preserve him that way, so we could always be together.
I might be over 2000 years old, but I do have needs, ya know.
As if by Rush Limbaugh
(Pretenders guitar riff – Chrissy Hinds is mortified.)
Here, in my formerly nicotine-stained fingers, I hold notes for a new book. The Way the “Lord of the Rings” Ought To Be
(loud rusting of paper)
Sauron is the archetypical LIBERAL. He doesn’t understand that he’s defeated, he just keeps coming back for more (are you listening, Tom Dachle?) Their plan is to loot pillage and plunder - through HIGH TAXES AND BIG GOVERNMENT.
Sauruman, on the other hand, is a liar. He SEEMS like a moderate, but take a closer look and he’s an honest version of Bill Clinton.
And doesn’t the Balrog look suspiciously like the Junior Senator from New York? In the 2004 election, she’ll drag us all down into Khazad-dum.
Well Mr. Snerdly, let’s go to the phones. We have a cell phone call from San Diego. Hello, Wolfgang.
“Giga dittos from the Left Cost, Mr. Limbaugh, it’s and honor to be on the program.”
It certainly is.
“What I want to know is – What’s your Environmentalist Wacko pick for this week’s Helm’s Deep Bowl Game – the Fighting Uruk-Hai of Insengard U., or the Rhohan Riders?”
I like the Uruk-Hai over the riders by ten points. Their bench is MUCH deeper. Watch for the Isengard quarterback to throw a bomb right through the Rider defenses. They’ll have Rhohan on the defensive for the entire game. But, the Riders have been know to pull it out at the last minute.
But the Environmentalist Wacko Pick. They’d choose wild horses over ravening beasts any day of the week.
We’ll be right back after commercial. We’ve got a lot to talk about. Is Barad-Dur a secret training camp for Al Qaeda?
My own poor contribution-
The Fellowship of the Email
by Every Damn Office I’ve ever worked at.
To: “Frodo Baggins” <f_baggins@shire.com>
From: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
Subjeect: Your Uncle’s Ring (vry impt!)
Frodo! This is VERY IMPORTANT!
Don’t let ANYONE else know about your Uncle’s magic ring! I think it may be a source of ultimate evil, and must be kept hidden away and safe.
“Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
From: “Frodo Baggins” <f_baggins@shire.com>
Subject: Re: Your Uncle’s Ring (vry impt!)
okie. by the way, i think sams been reading my mail. merry and pippin too. that a problem?
> Frodo! This is VERY IMPORTANT!
> Don’t let ANYONE else know about your Uncle’s magic ring! I think it may be a source of ultimate evil, and must be kept hidden away and safe.
>
> -
> “Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Frodo Baggins” <f_baggins@shire.com>
From: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
Subjeect: Re: Re: Your Uncle’s Ring (vry impt!)
AGH! Yes that’s a problem! Damnit!
Alright, look. We’ll organize a meeting at the Prancing Pony, noon sharp in three weeks. And bring anyone that you think knows about the ring!
“Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Strider” <rangers_rock@riven.net>
From: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
Subjeect: Meeting at the Prancing Pony
Hey, Aragorn, think you can make a meeting at the Prancing Pony in a few weeks? Say, three? Got a messanger boy, and I want to make sure that he gets to Rivendale safe-like. Also has something your family’s interested in. Tell ya more later.
“Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Saruman the White” <admin@isen.org>
From: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
Subject: The One Ring (VRY IMPT! PLS READ IMDTLY!)
So, I think I’ve found the One Ring. I’ll tell you more in person when I get to Isengard in a few days. Just FYI. It’s been in the Shire this whole time! Can you believe it?
“Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
From: “Saruman the White” <admin@isen.org>
BCC: “Sauron” <admin@mordor.com>
Subject: Re: The One Ring (VRY IMPT! PLS READ IMDTLY!)
> So, I think I’ve found the One Ring. I’ll tell you more in person when I get to Isengard in a few days. Just FYI. It’s been in the Shire this whole time! Can you believe it?
Very interesting. I hope to have a complete report when you get here.
~
To: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
From: “Frodo Baggins” <f_baggins@shire.com>
Subjeect: Re: Re: Re: Your Uncle’s Ring (vry impt!)
so like three weeks from when you sent the letter? or three weeks from when I read it?
> AGH! Yes that’s a problem! Damnit!
> Alright, look. We’ll organize a meeting at the Prancing Pony, noon sharp in three weeks. And bring anyone that you think knows about the ring!
>
> -
> “Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
From: “Frodo Baggins” <f_baggins@shire.com>
Subjeect: Re: Re: Re: Your Uncle’s Ring (vry impt!)
dude! where are you! answer your damn mail more often! im gonna assume it was from the day i got it.
> AGH! Yes that’s a problem! Damnit!
> Alright, look. We’ll organize a meeting at the Prancing Pony, noon sharp in three weeks. And bring anyone that you think knows about the ring!
>
> -
> “Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
From: “Strider” <rangers_rock@riven.net>
CC: “Elrond Half-Elven” <admin@riven.net>
Subject: Where are you?
We hung around for a few days, but a bunch of ringwraits tried to ruin our day. So, I’m skipping the meeting and heading straight to rivendell. Be there in a few!
PS- Elrond, tell Arwen I’ve been thinking about her. 
To: “The Eagles” <flyinghigh@mistymount.org>
From: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
Subject: I hate Orthanc (vry impt!)
I don’t suppose you guys could arrange just one more trip for me? Please? From the top of Orthanc to Rivendell?
“Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “Gandalf the Grey” <gandalf1671@shire.com>
From: “The Eagles” <flyinghigh@mistymount.org>
Subject: Re: I hate Orthanc (vry impt!)
sigh Alright, Gandalf. But this is the LAST TIME. Seriously.
> I don’t suppose you guys could arrange just one more trip for me? Please? From the top of Orthanc to Rivendell?
>
> -
> “Do not meddle in the ways of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”
~
To: “The Leaders of Middle Earth Mailing List” <leaders@riven.net>
From: “Elrond Half-Elven” <admin@riven.net>
CC: “Frodo Baggins” <f_baggins@shire.com>
Subject: Committee meeting!
ALRIGHT FOLKS. WE’VE GOT A RING OF ULTIMATE EVIL TO DEAL WITH, A TRAITOR WIZARD WITH MORE POWER THAN OURS, ANDA COUPLE OF HOBBITS. WEE NEED A MEETING FOR DAMAGE CONTROL ASAP. I WANT TO SEE EVERYONE IN MY OPEN AIR OFFICE IN ONE WEEK.
I, also, was in awe - but you’ll find something which will allow you to contribute inevitably.
Resistance is futile. Really. It’s not just for Borgs anymore.
No one’s requested this – I’d be very afraid if someone had – but here it is, regardless.
[QuickPost MESSENGER approaches the Sackville-Baggins hole with utmost dread. He tries to silently sneak up to deposit an envelope in the letter slot in the door, but just as he reaches for it, the door opens to reveal a stern LOBELIA.]
MESSENGER: Oh. Heh. Why, hello, Mrs. Sackville-Baggins…errrr…Sashvee-Bayzheen.
LOBELIA: Hello, my good hobbit! Surely you have a missive from my dear Lotho in your bag?
[MESSENGER looks dubiously in bag and sees no such item.]
MESSENGER: No, ma’am. Few bills is all.
LOBELIA: Bills? I expect those will be from the Buckland Mint. For my Royal Hobbiton with the hand-painted periwinkles, you know. But surely there’s a letter from Lotho (you remember Lotho, first in his class at Isengard) – gilded foil wrapping, mark of the White Hand, all that?
MESSENGER [wanting to escape]: No, ma’am. Here, see for yourself. [Hands LOBELIA her mail and tries to step away.]
LOBELIA: Now see here…!
MESSENGER [fearfully]: Yes…?
LOBELIA: It is clear to me that dispatches from my little Lotho are being mishandled by the QuickPost! They are not to be plumbed or pawed or diverted to Westfarthing and back! Is that understood?!
[MESSENGER opens and closes his mouth a few times, then simply stalks off. LOBELIA shakes her head and goes back indoors.]
LOBELIA: Otho, I shall have to have a talk with the QuickPostmaster. It’s unacceptable the way they’re employing rude young tweens these days.
OTHO: Yes, dear.
[A chime rings in the hall. LOBELIA runs in and pulls the cover off a palantir.]
LOBELIA [into the palantir]: The Sashvee-Bayzheen residence, the lady of the house speaking! Oh, it’s YOU, Lotho! Mummy was just talking about you!
OTHO: What does he want this time? He can’t have any more money!
LOBELIA: [to Otho] I shall not have our son’s fragile development disturbed by trifling over gold and silver pieces! [to Lotho] A break from your classes? Oh, surely you deserve it, your marks have been excellent! A walking tour of the Greenway with your friend Saruman? How nice! What else?
[LOBELIA gets a disturbed look on her face.]
LOBELIA: A mill and some pipeweed farms? For Saruman? HOW much?!
OTHO: Whatever it is, we can’t afford it!
LOBELIA: Lotho, dearie, we’ll talk about this some other time! So good to hear from you…cheers!
[LOBELIA passes her hand over the palantir to break the connection. Immediately there’s another chime.]
LOBELIA: The Sashvee-Bayzheen residence, the lady of the house speaking! Rose? What’s that? Bilbo’s doing what?? Well, just keep things from getting out of hand until we get there!
[LOBELIA breaks the connection, in great disquiet.]
LOBELIA: Otho, hitch up the wagon! We’ve got to drive over to Bag End – cousin Bilbo’s got out of the basement again!
OTHO: Is that so unusual? I recall the one time he fell in with some dwarf pensioners –
LOBELIA: Otho! We don’t need to dwell on old family scandals, we need to prevent new ones! He’s trying to give away the house this time!
[Scene changes to the interior of Bag End. FRODO is sitting in an armchair with a mug of ale. He’s wearing a sleeveless Belfalas Bay Packers T-shirt. SAM is sitting next to him in a shapeless housecoat, reading a trashy hobbit romance novel. ROSE is wearing a revealing strapless dress and is standing in the foreground by a large palantir. She breaks the connection at her end.]
ROSE: There now. Our Lobelia’s on her way.
FRODO: What’d you have to go and call our Lobelia for?
ROSE: She’ll know what to do…she has a cool head on her shoulders!
FRODO [sarcastically]: Yeah. Like Caradhras. Are you done using the tirry yet?
ROSE [oblivious]: Why, just last week, she helped me out with Mr. Proudfoot.
FRODO: 'Elped YOU out? She 'elped HIM out, with that umbrella of 'ers, after you 'elped 'im in…
ROSE: Frodo…!
FRODO: …and 'e 'elped 'imself…
ROSE: Frodo!
FRODO [changing the subject]: You going to answer me question? I said, you done with the tirry yet?
ROSE: Yes, I’m done with the tirry!
[FRODO slaps the side of the palantir. Loud clashing of swords and battle cries immediately begin emanating from it.]
FRODO: That’s better. [Gestures toward the glowing globe.] A 'obbit needs 'is intellectual exercise, eh, Daisy?
SAM: I love it when you call me that. [Starts rubbing his legs together.] Don’t forget that a hobbit needs his PHYSICAL exercise! [giggles]
FRODO: ‘Ere now, don’t go gettin’ all broody on me…
ROSE: Have I mentioned that I’m done with men, too?
SAM [hopefully]: Maybe you’d better go downstairs and check on Bilbo? We don’t want me gaffer wandering out again.
FRODO: Your gaffer? I thought 'e was me uncle.
ROSE: I thought he was me granddad.
FRODO: Heh heh! Dirty old man. Maybe 'e’s all three.
ROSE [looking out the window]: Well, whoever he is, there’s a perfect bunch of strangers traipsing all over the lawn. Looks like they’re expecting a party.
FRODO: Naww! 'E didn’t go and tell everyone it was 'is birthday again, did 'e?
ROSE: Course he did! Haven’t you been paying the least scrap of attention? And before I forget… [Walks over to Frodo and drops the One Ring in his hand.] …here’s his birthday present to you. Says it’s an artifact of ultimate evil, and you’ve got to go to Frogmorton or Mordor or some such to get rid of it.
FRODO [disgusted]: Aww, NOICE.
It’s late, so I’ll quit there.